Monday, December 22, 2008

Dont ya hate it when.....

So after I uploaded this, I realized it looked kinda gross. But anyways... As I am a fatty I have candy in my drawer at work. And it being Monday, I was glad for the stash. But I was a little sad when I pulled up the Reese's and the bottom stuck. I just hate when that happens. It messes up the perfect chocolate to peanut butter ratio that is the Reese's peanut butter cup.
I know, I know...Spoken like a true fat girl....

Recliner heaven

I love this kid. Honestly. So I was putting back together the carseat after washing the cover to get it ready for storage and left the room for a second. When I came back I found Reed chillin in it like it was a recliner or something.

On a different note... The carseat is in great shape (neutral for either girl or boy) and I would love to pass it on to someone in need. I also took down the crib the other day (as he never slept in it) and if someone has a good home for either just let me know.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

PHOTO TAG --- AKA GAG

So, the point of this horrible tag...(THANKS A LOT STU) is to post pics that you wouldn't normally post on your blog...
This one is after a week of camping.... What a beauty!
Being stupid with Sarah......
Whoever thought this was a cute idea.... Really. Preganacy pics are horrible... The only justice in this pic is that James looks even worse than I do.

And last but not least, post labor pics.... (I think Im still buzzin from the morphine)
So, I now pass on the pleasure of this tag to: Jen, Mom Christensen, and Nicki.



Saturday, December 13, 2008

18 hours....

I remember hearing a speaker at stake conference once talk about the pioneers and how those who pulled handcarts were limited to 18 pounds of personal belongings on the trip. He went on to explain that our trial is not a limitation of personal belongings but a limitation of time. If you take out 6 hours for sleep (which is pretty close to what we all get) we are limited to 18 hours in the day. I thought this was a fabulous parallel and it stuck.
Yesterday, a day off of work for me, was filled to the brim with things that HAD to get done. I had letters and packages to address and mail, copies to make, a little shopping to do, baking to be done, laundry, dishes, etc, etc, etc. There was no downtime. As I was bouncing from one thing to the next, I kept finding more and more things that I NEEDED to add to my list. It was exhausting. Poor Reed, got shuffled from one person to another all day long. Although much of my list was accomplished during his naps, I could see in his eyes a little look of "its my turn, Mommy". But the list prevailed. I'm embarrissed to admit that he spent the rest of the evening with Ella. She was so good to him, playing with him, getting him ready for bed and laying down with him to watch movies. I stopped long enough to lay down with him until he fell asleep and then I was at it again.
When my alarm sounded early this morning to get me up for work, I thought I was going to die. I am beyond exhausted, my legs sore. But the only thing I can think of is, not that I got a big chunk of stuff off my list, but that I had a whole day off of work and only spent about a cumulative hour with Reed. And the lesson from the talk so long ago came back to me.
So back to my original 18 pounds/hours. The pioneers had a limited 18 pounds. You better believe those 18 pounds were filled with the weight of very important things both spiritual and temporal. And here I was with my limited 18 hours that was filled with such silly, unimportant things that just HAD to be done. So, today, while I still have things on my list and will never have enough hours in my day, I think I will take some time and actually dedicate it to the more important things. No, not even the "more important things" but the most important things. Our (my) time should be as precious as those pounds were to the pioneers.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Christmas past-- Here's to you Spence


I dont know what it is about this time of year that makes one (me) get sentimental. I think its that with all the festivities there are more opportunities for memories to actually keep. My brain get less and less efficient as I get older and I need those sense triggers to help me out. One of the memories that keeps circling in my brain is the second Christmas I spent in Montana. Mission Christmases were always very memorable and as I shared some of my feelings from the first, I wanted to share an experience I had just before I returned home.
As I mentioned in the previous blog, the first Christmas was filled with homesickness and I found reassurance through music. My second Christmas was spent with much less homesickness and far more "taking in" as much as I could before I left. It was spent visiting families and funning with the Elders in the same apartment complex. It was spent busy with teaching opportunities and tying up loose ends. With all this bustle there was no time to feel anything but excitement. And then I got the call that stopped me in my tracks.
I'll never forget the shake in Stu's voice as she said, "he's gone, Martin..." I didn't really understand what she was saying. After a few more sentences that I dont really remember hearing, I put it together. A very close friend of mine, Elder Platt, had died in a car accident the day before.
Platt, or Spencer, was one of my boys. Those of you who know me, know I always seem to collect "boys" everywhere I go. He was added in after I threw out a smart ass comment about one of the elders who was playing basketball without his shirt on. He was giving me trouble about checking the elder out and I just laughed and said if I was gonna look at a guy I would wanna look at a man not a stick. From then on he was a puppy that always seemed to follow close behind.
We followed each other around the mission, always running into each other at District and Zone Conferences. At first, I was kinda bugged by his attention, but after a while I came to depend on his excitement to run into me and tell me everything he had been up to. He became a little brother.
My favorite memory was when we were helping fix up a mobile home for a very large, very poor member of a ward in our District. Their daughter, about 4 at the time, followed him around all day and called him Prince Phillip. He was sweet and played along. He never lived it down and we forever called him Prince Phillip.
All the time spent around him came rushing back, kinda like now, when the call came and I crumpled. Luckily it was prep day and I didn't have to put on a mask. I was able to have a good cry. I went about the rest of the week, numb. Our Zone Conference, usually a big celebration at Christmas time, turned into a memorial. And while it felt good to share memories and feelings, it hurt to even try to enjoy our meeting.
Finally, after about a week of moping around and just keeping it all in, I remember falling apart again. I remember falling down on my knees, crying out Why? And so quickly and so very clearly my question was answered with another question. "What have you been teaching these people all this time?" I was struck. It hurt. Here I was at the end of my mission and I still didn't get it. What had I been teaching all this time? How could I teach it over and over and over and still not get it?
It was one of those moments when you realize that religion, that tenets and beliefs are not just abstract concepts. They had real life application. While I was still smarting from the forceful nature of the answer, I found a peace that I had never felt before. I knew that he was looking down on me, shaking his head, and letting me know he was busy being a missionary, if not in Montana anymore. Its funny how trite that sounds. How many times do we say, "they are in a better place", or "the Lord needed them on the other side" when we really haven't had the opportunity to grasp what we are saying. But, I knew it. And I felt comfort from both Platt and Heavenly Father.
Now, so many years later, he still comes to mind every Christmas. And I am reminded of my not so subtle lesson. And I hope, that when I get to cross my finish line, that he will be waiting with a big smile just as excited to see me then as he was every time we ran into each other in Montana.
Merry Christmas, Spence. I miss you!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The forgotten verse

My favorite Christmas song has always been "O Holy Night". Im not sure why it was in the beginning, but as I got older and life got more... well, lifelike, it took on a whole new meaning. The sad part is, as it gets played over and over again on the radio, they take out the best verse, the second verse. And in a world so cold and difficult, it seems to be the verse we need to hear the most.


O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.
He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Behold your King.


Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

I remember being in Helena just before Christmas and singing with the ward choir. We were practicing this song (for the first time) and we got to the second verse and I just fell apart. I was a greenie and so homesick and so overwhelmed with mission life. It was one of those moments where you know the clouds are opening up and you know that the verse was written just for you at that very moment. I cried for pretty much the rest of the day.

This year, a billion lifetimes since, I keep hearing it on the radio, missing my verse. But I still apreciate the message as it is and cry, if not quite as much. And everytime I hear, "fall on you knees" as an adult, I can say I know what that means. I know why every knee will bow and every tongue confess. I know what it must be like to wash the Lord's feet with my tears. And I can hope and truly feel my worth because Christ was born and fulfilled his mission. May we all realize our worth, recognize what we are really celebrating this Christmas season and may that knowledge guide us to fulfill our own missions in this life.

I love you all.

Monday, November 24, 2008

To all the Twilight-er-pated


SPOILER ALERT: Before you read this, I just want to warn you that while I wont spoil the ending for you all, I may just spoil the whole Twilight concept for you. Read with caution. If you love Twilight, loved the story, loved the books, loved the movie you may want to stop reading.

To be fair, I really enjoyed reading the books. (Actually I only read the first 2. I will get to the others as soon as I find a few extra moments in my life.) I went and saw the move on Saturday and I really liked it. I liked its quirky style. I dug the way the director chose to do things. I even kinda dug Bella's Technicolor dream when she is gonna get bit by Edward in all its "softcore porn fantasy" feel, you know kinda Elvira mistress of the dark-ish meets the legendary Vincent Price - "House of Usher"- ish. I like to call it "gaudy goth".
So you ask, what could possibly be wrong to spoil all the fun?

I was talking to a coworker on Friday about my plans to see Twilight. It was a big deal cause I hadn't been to a movie since V for Vendetta. Well over 2 years. She hadn't even heard of Twilignt. So I started to give her the basic overview. You know... Blada blada blada vampire love story. Her response was not the usual "that sounded painfully embarissing for you to admit you actually would read that kinda book" sigh. It was, "Oh, so a typical forbidden love story. Bad guy, good girl. Danger." I was like, "Yeah, ok."

Well, Damn it, Tessa, it got me thinking way too hard about it. And all I could keep coming back to was:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TEACHING ALL OF THESE LITTLE TEENAGE GIRLS"

Granted, my response comes from a lifetime of failed romances that began as, "if he could only see what I see when I look at him, he would realize how amazing he is and would accomplish amazing things". What keeps replaying in my head is that dumb mutual story about the indian and the snake. --You knew what I was when you picked me up-- But do you think all of my "project men", my "lost causes", my "my love can fix it" men were really snakes? Of course not. (Im oozing sarcasm right not... OOZING. I just dont want it to be too subtle.) They were different. Including the I just want to stomp all over the moral line of what I can and cant do guy that dismissed me the minute I decided I would rather go on a mission than give it up to him, the Montana find that teared up when we taught him the first discussion, but quickly forgot what he had learned when things got tough, and of course my drug addict baby daddy.
Before I get into too much trouble. I must say: I do not dismiss or deny what I saw in them. It was there and they were amazing but they didn't know it and they didn't really want to know it and that was the problem. From hard, hurtful, tearfilled lessons I have learned that some gambles, some dangers are just NOT worth the risk.

Maybe I spent one too many days in my Gender Differences Psych class and maybe it was a little to women's lib doctrine-ish. I know, I know, we laugh at those professors that condemn Disney for teaching little girls that they have to be saved by a prince. They are all quacks. But really guys. What are we reading and what are we teaching little girls about love? That it is more romantic when its dangerous? That its ok if he's the "bad guy" -- the books words not mine. That their love can save them? That its ok to change who you are so you can be like them so you can be together? That love should be so overpowering that you want give up everything to be with the man you love... your family, your friends, your whole life, literally?

Let me tell you from personal experience... That is not love, my friends. It is at times exciting and fun and there is nothing more heady than a new love with a "bad boy", but it turns into a nightmare very quickly. It is NOT LOVE. Its a form a mental abuse.

Now, once again. To be fair, I have not read the rest of the series and Im sure I will and Im sure I will enjoy it as much as I did the others. As of now, I do not know if Bella "changes" for Edward. But the overarching message, intentional or not, is dangerous to young, impressionable, twitterpated little girl hearts. And those are the target readers. Girls who haven't been faced with the consequences of a "my love can save him" attitude. And like I said earlier, some dangers are not worth the risk.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Thanksgiving Thoughts

So I dont know what is wrong with me, but I have been struggling lately to feel any sort of thankfulness. Before I get myself in trouble, let me preface this with a huge thankful for my family especially my mom for all the help and support with Reed and with my "imbalances" in general. But I seem to be in a glass half empty funk. I have been think about this for the past couple weeks, but part of me would just like to skip over this whole holiday routine and get on with 2009. Maybe part of this blog entry is to get myself actually thinking about all there is to be thankful for.

Every year my mom put up a giant paper tablet (kinda like the elementary school teachers used to have...) in the hallway and everyone gets to write down what they are thankful for. I have walked past it several times this year, looked at it and just shook my head. I know I have a million things to be thankful for, but I am just so frustrated with current circumstances that I have been walking around as cynical as ever... And we all know how shocking that must be.

Last year faced with all of the stresses of being a new single parent and all that goes with it, my Thanksgiving list was so very different than years past, much more detailed and kinda grown up, you could even call it "enlightened." Right around this time last year, I started having health problems that ended me up in the hospital in a fight for my life. It was a scary week or two (I dont really remember) as they used me as a human pin cushion, ran test after test and pumped someone elses blood into me. I was bruised and sliced up all over and had lost about 15 pounds, but when I was released Dec 5th, I was so glad to be going home. My world was a different place and all of the sudden my thanksgiving list was even longer than before. Although by then Thanksgiving had passed and we were deep in the throws of the Christmas routine.

So I guess my question is:

Why is it that last year when I was walking through what many would consider a hellish year, was I more thankful than ever and why is it that this year, which has been relatively calm (**Emphasis on relative) am I so lacking a thankful spirit? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Why is it when things are good or at least not bad, we want different? But when things are awful, everything around you becomes a blessing?

I guess the answer is humility or lack thereof. Now that I have written this, I realize how very telling it is about what it takes to make me/keep me humble. I have trouble keeping proper perspective when things are status quo. So maybe I will have to take a little more time and really work on a thankful list. Ill have to get back to yall.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Visit to Santa


Reed and I went down to the Bass Pro Shop to do some Christmas shopping and to see Santa. I was shocked to find out the pic was free and there was NO WAIT!!! That's right moms and dads NO WAIT for a pic with Santa at the Bass Pro Shop (on a Saturday no less). Reed was a little concerned as seen in the pic, that is until Santa pulled out a candy cane. Then he decided the guy was ok and snuggled in for a couple minutes. It was pretty funny. Reed loved looking at the Santa workshop with trains and all the stuffed animals (real animals...see the caribou behind Santa)
Reed also loved looking at the waterfall and all the fish in the giant aquarium. When we were in the elevator some kid got all excited (cause you can see the fish in there too) and said, 'This is just like SeaWorld but better" and I just thought to myself, yeah its free.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater


I just finished reading The Christmas Sweater. I bought it yesterday during my lunch. Im a big Glenn Beck fan and was excited to read it. I didn't know that I would finish it within 24 hours. I don't read much anymore. I don't have time. I still haven't finished the third book in the Twilight series yet. I know, I know.... It's impossible to imagine. But I did manage to finish The Christmas Sweater and it was definately worth my time. I sat here finishing it during some downtime at work and it took all I had not to start balling. So go out and get your copy. If you dont want to buy it, Ill lend you mine or I'll get you one, its worth the $15 at Walmart.
It our modern day Christmas Carol and has such a simple, straightforward but very striking way of putting all those things we already know, but that we just dont seem to get. It also mirrored a lot of the different things Ive been experiencing lately. And while Im kinda mad that Glenn beat me to the punch on this whole book genre, Im ok with it and I dont think it will diminish my take on things, I hope.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

All Boy


I have come to the conclusion that I will never ever understand the mind of a boy. I think he has seen papa pushing the lawn mower around so he knows "it goes". That makes it a cool thing to play with. I still shake my head when I see this pic.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Why I wish I believed in spanking....

Its a cell phone pic so its not easy to see, but those are a million little goldfish all over my dirty floor. Notice the stacks of laundry that didn't get done this past weekend. This was a helluvah weekend. And this was Reed's grand finale Sunday evening. I guess he just needed a snack or something, or he thought I needed another migrane. (And for further laughs, see the black splotch in the corner? Those are my keys, that I couldn't find this morning. ) I am happy to report we survived without a reason for someone to call CPS on me.

PS. To whoever sent me the anonymous "home spa" surprise last week, thank you. It was so fun to come home to something special. I had a hard time not feeling like a charity case, but I really appreciate the thought and the goodies. And no worries, Im not totally hopeless. I just complain a lot.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Halloween







Sorry its took me so long to put up some Halloween pics. I cant seem to download pics off a new memory card I just got. Thank you to Grandma Thompson for sending these on so you can all see how adorable Reed was. And of course thanks to Grandma Martin for designing and making this amazing costume.






The election

I recieved this email from a member of this chaplain's congregation. I thought it was worth sharing. After much political discussion with friends, I have realized the need for all Christians to band together and stand up for what we believe. Im happy to say that AZ, FL and shockingly CA passed the propositions to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. This is what we can accomplish when we work together instead of trying to fight evil as solitary sects.

More and more I am realizing that we cant do nothing. I hope that Obama is able to come to a middle ground as he serves his term (singular I hope) as president. If not, we need to be ready to stand up and make our voices heard and remind him and our other leaders that they are there to serve us and not their own agenda.

_____________________________________________________________________

I'm so grateful, with 92% reporting, that it looks like Prop 8 passed in Ca. This too is a testimony of what can happen when conservatives and churches mobilize--because it was largely their intentional across-the-board movements that made this happen. Still, amazing how close the battle...check out these numbers... http://vote.sos.ca.gov/Returns/props/map190000000008.htm

Though obviously a letdown to us that Obama was elected, America has dabbled with pushing the envelope to the left and will now experience exactly what happens when the “full force of the far left” are unleashed and their floodgates opened. Personally, I don’t believe last night’s election results reflect God’s appointment, but a reaping of what we’ve sewn as a nation and of course a representative desire of those things the majority want (though not necessarily what is best for the country). While no one is overlooking the historical magnitude of a black man being elected president (an action established long ago by our Founders in the equality clauses of the Declaration of Independence), our focus and fight here has always been upon what his positions, practices, and policies will produce (repeatedly addressed in the Norris syndicated column-- http://townhall.com/Columnists/ChuckNorris). I believe Dr. Dobson spoke quite prophetically in a “fictional letter” when he wrote recently of what a 2012 Obama America would yield... http://freedomthirst.com/documents/10-22-08_2012letter.pdf

In an Obama nation, my personal prayer now (already this morning) is threefold: (1) that people would never forget our real hope (audacious or otherwise) is in God not government; (2) that churches would at last reawaken and realize, as Edmund Burke said that evil really does flourish when good men do nothing, and that politics are equally an area in which we are called to be light and salt (just as any mission field of darkness), and, though severely corrupt in areas, is not “dirty” arenas that we are to avoid; (3) that Christians and churches would place more focus to encourage and reconnect ourselves and others to our Founders’ America, in which the church served as the moral agent and conscience of the nation. As I told the Norrises here, in an Obama America, the content in Black Belt Patriotism is needed all the more as a resource and guide, because, at its heart and goal, are these three things. There will be no reawakening of America without God’s church—revival can’t happen independent of Her. And the good news is that the darker society (government) gets, the more obvious (brighter) the church will become—if she accepts her responsibility as salt/light and quits turning away from civic service as the “dirty stepchild” of ministry. The Norrises (and I, I suppose) will be spending lots of time, in a concentrated way over the Christmas season starting in a couple weeks, with an intentional focus on Christian media and God’s Church addressing those very facts and needs, accompany the wide Christian distribution of his book across the country in Christian bookstores and on the web (www.cbd.com)
Got hope? Don’t look to men. Psalm 31:24: “Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the LORD.”
Still fighting for God and country,
Chaplain Todd

Monday, October 27, 2008

Only in dreams

So Ive been mulling over all kinds of info these days. I think my brain is completely fried. But something has been really knawing at me for a long time. (I just wish I could peg what exactly it is.)

A few nights ago I woke up from having the strangest dream. I was just arriving back in Montana. For some reason, I had returned to continue or to start another mission. I remember thinking, this is not the way it was when I came here last time. Meaning, the red tape process... I just arrived and went to it, no training, just meeting up with a companion somewhere Funny that the companion in my dream is my boss in real life (I haven't quite figured out what she is representing -- her characteristics and all) As I haven't quite pegged that part yet, it really isn't important in my story.

Anyway, I remember meeting up with Jenn and saying, "I know where we need to stop first and mentioned a family from my greenie area, the ward mission leaders house. ---This is where I feel really bad because I cant remember their names, but I loved that family. Oh Whitfield I think, maybe--- As we started toward their house, I hesitated. I remember thinking, wait a minute. I can't do this. What will Reed do? I can't be gone from Reed for so long. I was so excited to be back in Montana and was really happy to see the family again (as they were so good to me) and I was really excited to have the structure of the mission, but everytime I would start to go toward their house I would sick up. Reed would freak out. How could I even consider leaving him?

When I first woke up, my reaction was, "That is so wierd" but the more I thought about it, the more I saw what was so plainly laid out. Now those of you who know me know I am a big believer in dreams. I think I got it from my love for psychology. Now, I know I am not a dreamer in a spiritual sense. I guess the Lord knows I need more of the 2 by 4 approach. But I know that there was a definate message for me.

I have never made it a secret that the whole Shane thing has forever changed me. And it/he has been on my mind a lot lately. (Too much, according to some that follow the blog) And I suppose it is true. But I think this dream was letting me know was that it was time to stop looking back on the joys, hurts and what ifs of the past and start living in the now and looking toward the future.
Now mind you I thought I had reached that point a while back, but its funny how a little reminiscing turns to big what ifs, if you let yourself get carried away.

My mom and I have had some pretty interesting conversations throughout the last few years along these lines (usually as those old hurts I thought were long gone reappeared.) I remember her saying that we all have crossroads in our life that we look back to with a little pause. We all have few different paths we would have liked to take and that we can look back on and say, "I wonder" or "I wish I could just see what that would have been like" She said she thinks we all have another "life" or two we all would have liked to live. But that we only have one path.

The other day she was online and when I walked up to her she said she wanted to show me something. She googled some guys name and up popped the most amazing photography. Black and white, nature prints, very similar to -- but I think even more striking-- than Ansel Adams. She told me that this was the work of one of her old boyfriends. Then she went back to the search and just reading the list of results showed that he was a very successful, award winning photographer very well respected by his peers. She then said that she had also downloaded some music that he had composed. I asked her how she had found him and she was embarrissed to admit that it had just come to her one day to google him. (Maybe it was the most recent school reunion, who knows)

But I think, and I dont know how she knew all this was building up the past little while, but I have learned to not question my moms ESP, but maybe she knew I needed to know that we have all been there. Looking back, almost frozen in time as we look around at our current circumstances saying, What have I done? What could I have done? How did I get here? Her little "Ive been there" was a big nudge forward. A reminder that the reverie is alright, but not to let it consume you into thinking you have chosen the wrong "life" and in turn keep you from living life. And to remember that those memories are somehow a little sweeter in hindsight. The what ifs don't contain the realities of life. They are seen through rose colored glasses. Faults are smaller, faces are handsomer, and life is perfect. No challenges, no flaws, no trouble... And no growth.

So it came to me that as long as I was continally drawn back to the past, I was not moving forward. It was more like that part in Alice in Wonderland where everyone is chasing each other around and around in circles. AND GETTING NOWHERE.

I dunno how to sum this all up. Like I said, this has been floating around in my brain in some form or another for a long long time. So if you actually read this all the way through, Im kinda surprised. If you actually followed my train of thought, Im shocked. But I think I have some old pictures and letters to burn.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

BLAUGH....

This day will not end. I swear I have been at work for so long I cant see straight. What is it that makes some days fly by and some last forever? And why is it always the ones that last forever that you wish would end and the ones that fly by you wish would last forever?
Wow, if that wan't a murphy's law, I dunno what is.

And now I figure I will kill time by writing, but I really don't have anything to say. Well, I always have something to say... But I dont want to get started on politics again. It makes me queasy to even think about it. And not much to say about Reed. He is doing good. Been cranky lately and running a fever. I didn't think to much of it until he had his 15 month check up and realized he has an ear infection. So at least we found the reason for his grouch fest.

Im still fighting the Gall Bladder Blues... Well post op blues. My weight is out of control and for all the searching for answers all I have found are big forums filled with people just as frusterated as I am. I have yet to find anyone with answers, unless they are trying to sell something. (Isn't that how it always is?

Oh well, enough of my grouch fest for now...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

4 FUN

A) Four places that I go to over and over:
WORK (BLAGH), Walmart, Bashas, Margie's house
B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
Linda, Millie, Mom, Kirk
C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
Texas Roadhouse, Panda Express, Moki's, mom's house
D) Four other places I would rather be right now:
In bed--asleep, on vacation anywhere, Montana, anywhere but at work
E) Four people I intend to tag:
Stu, Jeanne, Emily, Trina
F) Four TV shows I watch:
Lost, The Office, Glenn Beck, Fox N Friends

Okay ladies, now its your turn. Its easy, just 4, 4, 4, 4, 4,4 things about you. Have fun.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Midnight snack

Honestly, this kid is into everything. I just installed the cupboard latches in the kitchen and he has already figured out how to open them. If it closes...he knows how to open it, if it has a button... he know what it does and pushes it at appropriate times (IE: water cooler, TV remote, DVD remote -yes he knows the difference- he even aims the AC remote at the unit to turn it on and off) He's crazy smart and Im just plain crazy from trying to keep him out of stuff.

Dennis the Menace

I absolutely love this pic of Reed. I dunno if its the face or that his little overalls and striped shirt make him look like Dennis the Menace... But I love it. Yesterday someone at church commented that he looks like he lost all the baby in him overnight and all the sudden he is all little boy.

Racecar Reed

We had a girl party to the mall last week and poor Reed hated every minute of it, until we found the race car. He was in little boy heaven and it was almost impossible to get him out of it... Until I put quarters in to make it go. It scared him to death and even with me holding on to him to steady him, he still wanted out. That is he wanted out until the ride ended and then it was back to impossible to get him to want to leave.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Breaking points

I dont really have much to say today, but as I read all my other pals blogs, I start to see a trend. Many have expressed that they have hit their breaking point. Im there. I went from being excited because today is my Friday (I now work 4 tens) and planning a "field trip" to the park with Reed and his dad to hitting a wall of exhaustion, frustration and almost tears as I got a call from my mom saying Reed was running a 102 temperature and has been lethargic all day. (He had the barfs last weekend, but I thought we were over it. )

I know that isn't a huge deal, but it seems with everything else piled on, I too am hitting my breaking point.

Add to this, a little too much election coverage, a little too much "history" in the form of some articles explaining that the steps leading up to the Nazi party in Germany very much mirror the circumstances our country is facing and the hard reality that my personal financial circumstances (which were difficult before) may become monsterous as the economy falls apart. And I cant find a logical solution. I can see the stress in my fathers eyes as he wonders "Am I always going to have to supplement Emily in raising Reed? I don't have that many more Pepsi years left in this old body...." He never says anything to me, but I can see it in his eyes. He doesn't joke about me supporting him retirement years anymore.

On the flip side, I just finished a Glenn Beck article where he talked about what we should do now. I laughed as he took basic gospel teachings (things we have been hearing for years) like planting a garden, living within our means, family night, and getting an education and presented them in a "non threatening" secular way. I love Glenn. He has been to hell and back and can sing the song of redemption. He understands the atonement. But in his article, he reminded me that in times where we hit the breaking point, those of us who are wise, return to the basics, return to what we know and are sufficiently humbled to return to our God for a renewal of strength.

After reading about Christal's nightly scriptures and prayers with her little family, I realized that I needed to be doing that with Reed. So every night we get on the "big bed" and I hand him his night time book to hold while I read a chapter from the Book of Mormon out loud. Then we have our prayers and get to read the Goodnight book Grandma and Papa Thompson gave him for his birthday. Anyway, last night we were reading about Sariah who was complaining that her boys must have died in the wilderness when they went back for the plates and didn't understand why her husband had to be a visionary man. It made me laugh. Poor Sariah. She must have been a pillar to have even made it that far....

Anyway, they finally returned and she realized her error in murmuring against God and her husbands obedience. She remembered what she had known all along... That God would provide a way to keep his commandments. She just needed to have the faith and the patience to see herself through to the end of the story (or that chapter of her story.... another one always seems to start after one ends :)

I guess what I am saying, as I am weary and I am tired and anxious about the future (and as I know so many others are...) We just need to go back to basics and take everything a step at a time. Follow the prophets, trust the Lord, and be patient. (Oh thats the hardest part for me, the hardest part....) Turn to what you know, return to the basics and remember that the Lord has an eye out for us all... Nope scratch that, the Lord has His hand stretched out TO US ALL.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Retraction...or clarification

Once again, this dumb blog has gotten me into trouble. So I must clarify for all those concerned about my frame of mind. (This is where I sigh and roll my eyes.) Previously I wrote that I wanted things for me to fall into place, like it does for Nan. I implied that I would like my love life to pan out as simply as her job situation. Very tongue-in-cheek, I included "a date, a quick engagement...." or something along those lines. AND caught Holy Hell for it. So let me explain. When I write a big ....LOL after I write something, it means I am kidding. I will elaborate so there is no confusion.

I would love for something of the sort to fall into place. It wont. I know it wont, so I can laugh about it. Even if I felt like I was in a stable enough place to want to really seriously start dating again (which Im not....I dont trust my taste in men.) But even if I was ready to start seriously dating again, the mother instinct would most likely get the better of me and I would find every flaw in the poor guys, because I want to protect Reed. And if I was able to find someone, I would still make sure that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. (Because I want to protect Reed) So for anyone questioning my judgement when I say i want a quick engagement.... Get over it. I was being silly. (thus the LOL) Im not looking to jump into something without weighing every little detail. (I have seen the consequences of others folly and lived my own... Thank you very much) I just realize its time to get back out there.

Back forever ago, when seriously considering marrying Shane, he straight forward asked me if I could be a mother to his sons. Of course, I quickly replied. This bothered him and he went on. We talked about having more kids and I said I wanted five boys. He said, we already have two and I said, no I want to have 5 of my own. He went ballistic. He wanted me to understand that if we were to get married (which we didn't-- not for this reason, others....) But if we were to get married, his boys would be my boys and there would be no distinction between families, no "stepmom" title, they would be mine. When I realized how serious he was about it and when I realized what he was really asking me, I began to really ponder whether I could do it or not. I took it very seriously and spent a long time delving inside myself to really know if I could be that kind of mom. Later, when I met his boys (after everything had fallen apart and they would not be mine) it broke my heart. Because they had become mine, in my heart, I had decided that I was going to be their mother and I mourned for the loss of MY BOYS, because I had spent so much time and energy coming to the conclusion that they would be mine. The short couple hours I got to spend with them is still precious to me and I can still remember everything that happened. How we played, what was said and the look on Tommy's face as he sat on the porch watching us drive away. I tear up just writing about it now. I swear I mourned that loss far greater than I did the loss of Shane in my life. (Maybe because by that time I had already mourned Shane, the boys just reopened old wounds....)

But my mourning is not the point. The point is, I learned a very important lesson, and now I can look back and see a reason behind the pain of the experience. I now truly understand what Shane was asking, I know why he was so serious about it. I know why he reacted the way he did. Because I have Reed. My decisions have consequences far beyond myself, my happiness. My son is included in it. And now as I begin to entertain the possibility of loving again, (as impossible as it seems, I am entertaining the idea) my thoughts trail back to that question Shane asked me and that question that will be on the forefront of my mind if I ever find someone to love again. Will he love Reed as if he was his own son? No, thats not even right. How do you put it with out an "AS IF". Its more will you be dad to Reed. No distinction, no step, just dad. Its a tough question, and a lot to ask. But its vital. I have seen step parents that have embraced this idea and I have seen step parents that make the distinction (my stepchild). It makes a huge difference.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: Any reentry into the dating scene will be cautious and with much thought and guidance by the spirit. No haphazard relationships, no quick engagements, no unprayerful decisions. But I am at a point that I need to get back out there. Like it or not.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Just another day....

No big news from the homefront. Im done training in Ahwatukee and will now be able to go back to work next week in Mesa. (It really wasn't such a horrible thing, cause I was training Nan who just got hired on. Its just a far drive and I was having to work Ahwatukee in the mornings and East Mesa in the evenings...LONG DAYS )Anyway, I was training Nan. I swear that girl is charmed. I went to work in Ahwatukee 2 weeks ago to train the new hire... Who never showed up, just left a phone message saying nevermind. At that same time, Nan was getting word that they had to downsize where she worked and she would be the one let go. She came home crying to my dad that night. And he just told her not to worry it would all work out. So by Tuesday, Nan had been interviewed, hired and allowed to start training the next day. Meanwhile, the economy was falling apart all around and I heard story after story of people that have been looking for jobs for months. She is charmed....or a favorite or something. But that really wasn't what I was going to talk about, it just interesting to see the timing of everything. Now if I could just get everything to fall into place for me. A date maybe, quick engagement.... LOL.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

YOU MUST SEE THIS GUYS

Maybe Ive been watching too much Glenn Beck. But I am furious about all this bailout garbage. Now that being said, YOU MUST WATCH THIS UTUBE VIDEO.

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMouthPeace?ob=1

This just solidifies my vote. Obama is scary. Socialist Scary. A BIG OLD LIAR. I cant scream it loud enough.

How many "unfortunate" aquaintences can one person have? Rev. Wright that hates the US and preaches against the "whities"?, the crazy bomber guy that terrorizes the US, ACORN?, or those people that want to break off anything south of the mason dixon and become their own country.... It never stops. I cannot stomach to look at the man anymore.

And after watching the video you see all his connections to Fannie and Freddie and how he and the other democrats rode the company down and collected millions for it. EVEN PRESIDENT CLINTON SPOKE OUT AGAINST THEM!!! President,"I didn't have sexual relations with that woman" Clinton tried to warn them.

Right now, Hillary is looking like a damn good alternative. At least with the Clinton's we know what to expect. I could handle another 4 even 8 years of the Clintons--- if the country must have a Democrat (because, you know, its the Republicans fault the economy is falling apart. Not useless Pelosi, not Barney Frank --who should be incarcerated in my opinion) But if we must have a Democrat... why the HELL does it have to be Obama!!! Its a nightmare!!!!

So watch it, try not to throw up. I want to I get so angry when I watch it. The gaul the Dems had when they acted all insulted that the government would even waste their time investigating inconsistancies in Fannie's and Freddie's books. How they swore there was nothing wrong. That we were trying to fix something that wasn't broken. Well guess what... They are all a bunch of LIARS and once again.... Omaba is all over in the scandal. How anyone could ever want to vote for him is insanity.

Now Im not a huge fan of McCain. Im not convinced I can even call myself a Republican. But honestly... OBAMA is not the solution, he is not the change we need. He is a nightmare and will strip and tax away everything this country stood for. EVERYTHING!!!

PS Hey all you gov officials, nice to see how the bailout worked out so well for us all, I didn't think my 401K could be any more useless than it already was, then I saw the DOW drop even more yesterday. Glad you all came in and spent my 700 billion and saved us.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

motherhood


this is why I love being a mother. Cause moments like this are picture worthy and make you smile.

Mommy and Reed




We spend much of our life on this bed... Too much time really, but this is where we have cuddle time after a long day of work and such.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Reed Tag

Name: Reed Oren Thompson

Age: 14 months

Nicknames: Reedo, Reeder, Reedo Bandito, Reeder BaDeeder, Reeder Roo, Lil Man, Pooper, Lil Poop, Bug, Boo-ger, etc, etc

Favorite activities: Playing in the hose, going to the park, getting into trouble (playing in the toilet, playing with the water cooler, etc)

Favorite Foods: Applesauce, bananas. Sometimes spaghetti. He is a super picky eater

Favorite music: We sing Old McDonald a lot. He also loves to dance when the Sponge Bob theme song comes on. (not something Im proud of)

Favorite toys: Balls, cars, and anything he shouldn't be playing with

Favorite book: Picture books with peek a boo flaps.

Favorite item of clothing: Are you kidding me? Im lucky to get clothes on him at all.

What makes him happy: Pulling the cats tail, poofing someone elses tummy, going for walks, spending time with Papa, Sponge Bob. (again, not proud)

What makes him sad: Getting told "no". Having to get into his carseat.

I tag whoever wants to show off their little kiddo...

ATTN: Montana Billings Mission Sisters UPDATE

For anyone who is interested..... I wont be there but hope ya'll have a good time.

Montana Sister's Reunion
Who: Everyone!
What: Potluck dinner
When: Sat. October 4, 2008 at 5pm
Where: 857 E. Brookshire Dr. Kaysville Utah {84037} -mapquest it or you can email me for directions
Why: Because we want to see each other! Bring something to throw on the grill and something to share. We will meet at 5 and then any men that might come along can go to the Stake Center and watch conference while we chat. Bring your old photo albums! Hope to see you there.. or here I guess :)
TELL EVERYONE!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Have you ever.....

The rules:Just copy and paste the 200 statements then bold the ones you have done!!Hope you enjoy it!! (and make sure you use a lot of exclamation points, it makes everything more fun)The idea is to highlight the things you have done out of the 200 items on the list.The things I have done are in bold print!
1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (NO, but saw an amazing one at Black River)
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking!!
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a momen
t36. Loved your job 90% of the time (massage not my other jobs)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing (indoor)
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - verbal not physical
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job (laid off)
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people .
108. Brought out the worst in people (I think there may be a few...)
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap (girl's camp!)
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe.
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway (or equivalent ) play --Gammage not Broadway
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band --Not a rock bank.. HS drumine...
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in an historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one GOOFY GOLF
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating
135. Run a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story (ya, weren't we all teenagers?)
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera -- Not yet, but on my list of things to do
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bush Bashing??

So the more I read the more infuriated I have become with the media in general. So here is my take on politics. Poor President Bush has become the "whipping boy" for every problem going on in our current society. So just a little ammo for the poor guy... Check this out. The big housing crisis was not created on his watch, it the mess from decisions from as far back as 1992. (Clinton's term) See below courtesy of my buddy Glenn Beck:

"It’s one of the hidden success stories of the Clinton era. In the great housing boom of the 1990s, black and Latino homeownership has surged to the highest level ever recorded. The number of African Americans owning their own home is now increasing nearly three times as fast as the number of whites; the number of Latino homeowners is growing nearly five times as fast as that of whites.In 1992, [a majority Democratic] Congress mandated that Fannie and Freddie increase their purchases of mortgages for low-income and medium-income borrowers. Operating under that requirement, Fannie Mae, in particular, has been aggressive and creative in stimulating minority gains. It has aimed extensive advertising campaigns at minorities that explain how to buy a home and opened three dozen local offices to encourage lenders to serve these markets. Most importantly, Fannie Mae has agreed to buy more loans with very low down payments–or with mortgage payments that represent an unusually high percentage of a buyer’s income.

That’s made banks willing to lend to lower-income families they once might have rejected.The top priority may be to ask more of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. The two companies are now required to devote 42% of their portfolios to loans for low- and moderate-income borrowers; HUD, which has the authority to set the targets, is poised to propose an increase this summer.

Although Fannie Mae actually has exceeded its target since 1994, it is resisting any hike. It argues that a higher target would only produce more loan defaults by pressuring banks to accept unsafe borrowers. "

So Mr. Pesident. You have gained a few points in my eyes. And I am sorry that you have become the most hated President in history at least in part because we live in a society that does not believe in personal responsibility

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Til divorce do us part....

So today was my child support hearing. It went well, by the way. (Minus getting duped out of about 8 months of back child support because of my stupid document prep guy.) But other than that Im just happy to have everything settled. Because my case would take the longest, I got to wait through all of the other cases ahead of me. It was the saddest thing I have ever witnessed.
See, most of the cases were divorce hearings. For the most part it consisited of the wives coming in alone, saying,
-- No, the free state provided counseling wont fix it,
-- No, I dont want spousal support,
-- No, there are no children involved,
-- Yes, I want to change back to my maiden name,
-- Yes, I have what I want in my posession and he has what he wants
And in a matter of minutes, POOF, the marriage was over. Some of the women seemed relieved, others seemed to be hit with the reality of the judge concluding the case and declaring them legally single status again.

It took minutes, guys, a couple questions, and literally MINUTES.

It was so strange to watch. You could almost picture them in their designer, overpriced wedding dresses, glowing as the best man toasted the happy couple. You could probably assume they were still paying off credit card debt racked up by wedding expenses. I wanted to yell... Hey, what was it that made you want to get married in the first place? Did you ever think it would end in this? A default case where your husband doesn't even show up to end the marriage? Lucky he was even present to start it off.... Maybe that was the problem, he was never really present for the marriage in the first place.....

I'm trying not to let this experience have a negative effect on me. (I've become quite the cynic when it come to love.... I know, not me, but believe me... its there... its subtle... LOL)

I guess I haven't quite digested it all. And I dont quite know what effect it had on me, but it really struck me as being one of the saddest things I have witnessed. EVER.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Superman Lyrics.

So I posted a while back about the Superman song by Five for Fighting. Thought I would post the lyrics for anyone that wondered what in the world i was talking about.

I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find The better part of me
I'm more than a bird... I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me
I wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd... but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed... but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me
Up, up and away... away from me Well it's all right... you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy... or anything...
I can't stand to flyI'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me Inside of me Yeah, inside of me Inside of me I'm only a man In a funny red sheet I'm only a manLooking for a dream I'm only a manIn a funny red sheet
And it's not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm... It's not easy to be me

Sunday, September 21, 2008

ATTN MBM Sisters!!!!

Hey girlies, Just in case you haven't found Mangum's blog yet, or should I say Tiffany, I figured I would pass this info on. Some of the Sisters are trying to put together a sisters reunion Conference weekend. If you are interested in details, click on the Team Thomson link on my blog list. Let her know you are interested. I know its probably close to impossible for me to figure out a way up there and with my current circumstances I dont know how appropriate it would be, but I wanted to pass on the info for anyone that was interested. Once I get more details I will pass it on and maybe Ill see you up there.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Just as requested... For you James

I must preface this blog entry. For all those faint of heart, those who don't want dirty laundry and those who feel I need to be more discriminating about my subjects this is not an entry you want to read.

James, called me wondering why I hadn't updated everyone with the current circumstances. When I told him I had, I just gave an overarching "life is stressful" statement, he didn't see that it was the same thing and again questioned why I hadn't written about him. So here is the James update, Just for you buddy!!

James has relapsed. I, by what could only be divine inspiration asked for another drug test, which he refused, again. (2 in the last how many months... 4) So that's twice now he has been caught using. (Yes the last time I lied, after all the hullaballo about me airing dirty laundry and such, I actually lied for him....)

I told him his chances to change are over and now I will do all I can to protect Reed from him and his addictions. I begged him to sign his rights away. His response was of course no.... although he hardly uses his parenting time, has never paid a dime of child support and is only a risk to both Reed and I.

Since then he has called the courts to find out when the child support case is. See, he didn't want to pay the filing fee so its a default case, and he just signed that he agreed with the terms of the parenting plan and child support amount. I was the only one supposed to go before the judge. But now that the agreement isn't good for him (Under the agreement if he has a positive drug screen or refuses to take one then it is up to my discretion when and if he can see Reed) he wants to go plead with the judge to change it.

Funny how it always has to be about him, not whats best for Reed. So everyone... applaud with me for the Father of the Year. Congrats on your accomplishments. Its your day!!

PS. Is this what you had in mind, James?

Monday, September 15, 2008

HEY NOAH......

So this past week has been crazy stressful and the thought of the next two coming weeks makes me want to cry. I have my bankruptcy hearing on Thursday (along with a meeting with my other lawyer later that day) and next Tuesday is the child support hearing. That, plus other garbage weighing me down, is making me crazy. My list is always far longer than the time I have to accomplish it. As I was sitting here at work, lamenting my current situation. I had a memory that made me laugh.

I remember going on a roadtrip, Im sure it was on our way camping or something and instead of our usual "oldies" tapes, my mom brought along an old Bill Cosby comedy tape. I remember laughing, a lot. Probably cause I knew it was the right time to laugh, not cause I really understood why it was so funny. Anyway, the track that sticks out most is his "Noah" skit. It basically took you through a realistic conversation a regular joe would have if they were in the position of Noah. (questioning why, and basically the reaction of "youve got to be kidding, Lord") So Im sitting here, as I mentioned before, lamenting my current circumstances and the big memorable tag line from the skit comes to mind. "Hey Noah, how long can you tread water...." Funny cause thats about what I feel like Im doing lately and funny cause the skit is just dang funny. Maybe, the memory came because I spend too much time trying to do it on my own and less time on my knees. But anyway...

I think I knew it was funny back when I was a kid, because I could visualize Noah treading water as the rain continued to fall. Knowing that it was impossible to tread water forever, but kinda understanding that building the arc was a kinda crazy thing to have to do.

Now as an adult, being able to relate to having those same reactions to some of the tests and trials Ive been through, the skit takes on a whole new level of comedy. The pain of being in the middle of a "project" I dont want (usually the project being my own refining) and the realization that the alternatives are even worse. Sometimes, I know the Lord finds humor in our reactions to life. I know it. Im sure of it. And sometimes, I'm sure he shakes His head at our stubborness as He has to find a way to get to us. And sometimes, I swear I have audibly heard the words, "Emily, How long can you tread water....." A little reminder that if I would just do things His way, I could save myself a whole lotta trouble in the long run.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Walk to the Park











So, the weather has cooled a little. (Meaning the mornings are no longer above 100 degrees) So to kill time before the morning nap, Reed, Millie, Ella and I walked to the park. This is the first time it has been cool enough and Reed has been big enough to really enjoy the park.

He squealed over the ducks and tried to chase after them. (He walks about like Tommy on Rugrats, he teeters and its pretty funny to watch.) So watching him try to get the ducks was a riot.

He loved the swings, until he realized how high he was swinging. And he loved the slide, til we tried to get him to go down it all alone. Good thing he had his auties to help.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

9-11

I know it is a bit trite, but I just thought I would take a second for the memory of 9-11. I was channel surfing, looking for reruns of Sarah's big first interview and stopped at MSNBC as they were playing the feed from 9-11. It was strange to watch again. Strange because it brought back all of those feelings.
I didn't get to watch much of the continuous coverage as I was in Montana and part of me is thankful that I didn't have the overexposure. But the little I did see shocked me and left me with an uncertainty for the tomorrows. Being so far from home, I remember feeling especially vulnerable. I made a couple "illegal" phone calls just to grasp on to whatever constants I could find. Yes, of course I knew my family wasn't directly affected but just hearing my moms voice helps stabalize me. Of course I also worried for those I knew that were in the service. And made another call to what was then a second family to see what would it would mean for their very devoted army serving family. What would happen to them? But even more than that, the world stood still and I had too much time to wonder.... What were all of the not obvious ramifications of 9-11?
Now 7 years later, we are much more used to the changes it brought. Some have even forgotten what even brought about those changes. Some don't even remember what life was like before. Now I dont want to get over dramatic, but so much has changed in our world post 9-11.
I think part of the innocence in me died, and I realized just how fragile our lives were. But it also brought about an understanding of what it meant to be free and safe. It helped me to have an adult understanding of patriotism and respect for those that came before and those that currently served our country.
I dont really know where I am going with this. But its funny how some of the most horrible things that happen in life bring about change, prod us to grow up, remind us that there is a bigger picture. And in the face of such devistation and nightmares, we often find opportunities for us to witness the "beauty for ashes". And the heroes that rise to the challenge and meet the nightmares unflinching. And so while I hope never to see such distruction and horrors again in my lifetime, I hope that if I am ever faced with it, that I will be one of those that can rise above and only let those experiences change me for the better.

Monday, September 8, 2008

INFO UPDATE

Hey I just sent out an email to everyone asking for updated address info so I have it ready for Christmas time. I realized I should send out the same request through this. That way anyone I missed might get it here.

So if you want the "year in review" Christmas letter and Holiday greetings, let me know.
Dont comment here. (I dont want peoples addresses hanging out there for the world) Just email me @ BLUEYEDMLE@MSN.COM and I will add you to the list.

For all of you thinking, wow, she is starting early... Yeah I guess sorta, but I have much more limited time and after last year I realized the beauty in planning ahead. And anyway, December will be here before you know it.

Loose ends

So September seems to be Loose Ends month. Or they tie-ing of loose ends month. My court hearing for both the bankruptcy and child support are both this month, in fact...within a week of each other. Its nice to be on the downhill with it all but its exhausting to wrap my mind around. I just hope that finalizing everything will help to pull me out of the past and help me to look forward to the future (on so many levels far beyond the obvious). I am scared to death to think of what the future will hold, but thank goodness it will be a far cry from the past few years. And there is so much of me actually ready to move forward. Our stake just formed a singles ward and I am thinking about going one week, just to assess. See if there is anyone my age. (Doubt it as I could only be a member of that ward for less than a year as I turn 31 next July, but hey, you never know.) I have also been looking at apartments in the area. That way Reed can have his own room and I can have a little more living space. Im afraid to commit to that, as I would be relying on the actual child support to be able to make rent, but I cant see being in mom and dad's apartment for much longer. The small space of the studio is killing me and Reed has no place to play in it. Anyway, no point in this, just burning a little anxiety and a little time at work.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Convention

For the first time ever, I spent time watching the Republican convention. All the trash on Sarah had me glued to the TV to see how she would respond. If you watched, you know as well as I do, that she kicked butt. It was beautiful and now I know why they called her Sarah Baracuda. She was smashing!!! I was so excited afterward. And between the media and the Democrats response I am completely convinced that she has scared the holy hell out of them. She is a major threat. ITS SO REFRESHING. Now that the convention is over, I am ready to go to the local Republican headquarters and sign up to help. Thats how excited I am. Which is totally out of character. I guess I heard McCain's call to fight with him. And a big part of me still doesn't really like him. But I have ordered my I (heart) SP and my SP for VP windowclings, along with my all important " NOBAMA" windowcling. YEAH...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Exhibit B - More proof that he is all male

I know its a bad pic but I laugh at the proof of just how much of a little man he is. He hates putting on his diaper after his bath. Its a fight every time. So this is his favorite game. Running around the bed refusing to get dressed. And If I had to guess, I can almost bet that Sponge Bob is on the TV.

Bug eyed


Chocolate kisses


Monday, September 1, 2008

Can Sarah Save Us?

I may not have mentioned it the blog but I have always been very outspoken about how I feel about politics. Specifically about politicians. The problem with politics is that it is run by politicians. The last thing our government or any other for that matter needs is to be run by is politicians. So our vote inevitably goes to the lesser of the two evils. The catch 22 of the whole problem is: Politicians want the job. Anyone who is qualified and would actually do a good job without keeping only their own best interest in mind, doesn't want the job. Those who have no business running the country are the ones actually stepping up and all over each other to get it.
I have been very disenchanted with this current election especially. I saw a man who might do a pretty good job drop out of the race because of the way we Republicans divvy up the electoral votes. He was a strong consisitant second through all of the states primaries, while our final choice John McCain came in dead last multiple times. I dont get it. I think we do ourselves a disservice by not following a popular vote process. In the end, I think all Americans are frustrated knowing that our individual vote is not as meaningful as it should be and as meaningful as we have a right for it to be.
In the end, my vote would only have meaning by me trying to keep someone out of the office because of his complete lack of understanding about the majority of the American people and what we need and because of his, dare I say it, very socialist views.
Both my mom and I talked about wanting another option. Wishing that we could write in a "Ron Paul" or another non party and actually drum up enough people that wanted to vote NONE OF THE ABOVE. Unfortunately we know that it would only serve to divide the conservative vote and provide help for the socialist mentioned above.
So imagine my surprise when I googled the Republican Vice President Elect. She a no bullshit kinda girl. Its beautiful. The more I read about the Alaskan governor the more I liked her. And while she cant just jump in and make McCain take a back seat, she is not a lady that will be a VP in name only. Her hands on approach to getting the job done and continually looking for ways to improve it is exciting.
Just to be sure I wasn't just reading a very one sided view of her, I called up my girl Jen in Alaska to see what a local (in the same town as Sarah Palin) had to say about the choice for VP. She had much the same to say. Nothing bad. In fact the only thing the Democrats can say is that it is foolish to put such an unexperienced VP in the position when McCain is so clearly two steps into the grave already. Seriously, is that all you got? Cause McCains team made quite a point that she accomplished far more in her year in as a Governor than Obama has in his whole political career.
So can Sarah save us? I sure hope she gets the opportunity to try cause she is exactly what we need. She can tell the good ol boy club up there in Washington to go **** themselves and to get to work for what really matters. And if what all I have read is true, she will.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Superman

So Im driving home from work yesterday and the Five for Fighting "Superman" song came on. This song first came out while I was in Montana. I remember driving home at the end of a hard day, and listening to Delilah. I know, I know, missionaries arent allowed to listen to the radio. But it was Delilah and we tried to justify it as being uplifting. But I digress....
Anyway, I remember when I first heard the Superman song. I just cried and cried. I could so relate. Trying to be perfect and just struggling. At the time, I thought it was a new Dave Matthews Band song, as they have a very similar sound. And being a huge Dave fan, it made it that much more memorable.
Sorry I keep getting sidetracked. Anyway the song came on yesterday on my way from work. Now my life is so far from that point 7 years ago. (has it really been that long...man) But the song still hits me much the same as it did now. So for all of you who are like, I dont get what is so special about that song, I will elaborate. If you have never heard it, go download it.

I think its all about persona. We all walk around with this false self. Or this self that we want people to think we are. We all do it. Im just as guilty as the next guy. Anyway, once we have built this persona or this "public image" we spend the rest of our days trying to keep up with the expectation the precedence has set. And its damn tiring. So the song is saying I may be Superman, but damn it, give me some room for error and imperfection. I spend a lot of my days lately with my flaws staring me down almost to defeat. So I think a lot of the persona I crafted so early on in my 20s has since crumpled... But damned if I dont keep trying to rebuild. Why am I trying to rebuilt that?

I remember back in my college days, I was fascinated with Psychology. I loved my Psyc classes. I need to go back. But anyway, I remember in my Personality Development class we talked about our True Self, our Ideal Self and our perspective of our Self. There was this diagram of Circles representing each. And the more they overlapped, the healthier (mentally) the person was. I suppose you could throw a circle in there for our "persona self" but the more I think about it our Ideal self is usually the persona we put on anyway.

Anyway, there will always be some discrepancy between the Selves. That is life. And while it is healthy to have the differences as small as possible, it is also good to recognize that there are discrepancies and that and really that is good. Confused? Sorry. The discrepancies are healthy as long as you use them as a catalist for change. See the differences cause stress which if used properly becomes a push to improve and become more like the ideal self.

This blog turned into so much more than I was planning. Anyway I guess my point was:

Life is tough. Be nice to others when they dont live up to the persona. Be nice to yourself when you dont live up to your persona. And just keep chuggin along and slowly your circles will get closer and closer.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

CUTE

I feel sorry for people who dont have cute kids. I think Reed is beyond adorable. I dunno if I have just turned into one of those people who just "think" their kids are the cutest or if I should get him an agent. Either way, I think he is a charmer.

Reeds 1st haircut





Reed got his first haircut yesterday. It was getting so long, he was way past due. I was afraid it would be impossible but Nicki was prepared with suckers and was amazingly quick.

TAG

1.YOUR REAL NAME: Emily Martin
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.) Emizzle (doesn't work so well for me....
3.YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal) pink crocodile
4.YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street) Ann Pueblo
5.YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name) Maremrob
6.YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) Green pepsi
7.YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (Mother's middle name and father's middle name) Anita Duane
8.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets) Black Rhoda (I dont have a current pet so I had to use the late hampster Rhoda... may she rest in peace.

Funny! Now go and do it.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Flashbacks from my earlier days in the circus

So, for some reason, Thursday night, Reed decided to resort back to his colicky days. I actually think this was worse, but my memory of those sleepless nights are vey foggy, cause I was very foggy back then. Either way, Reed cried from 7 pm (usual sleep time) to 3:30 am. He would fall asleep for about 15 minutes and then wake up screaming. When I tried to calm him, it became pretty clear that he was still asleep. So I listened to this all night. Just when I thought he was finally good and deep asleep and about the time I was falling asleep it would start up again. NOTHING PRODUCES INSANITY FASTER THAN THIS!!! So finally about 3:30pm as it started again, and I started to lose it as I had been training the new girl all week and I was tired from that and a cranky Reed the night before, I finally picked him up, walked him over to grandma's and burst into tears as I explained that I needed at least 2 hours of sleep to survive Friday.

Mom, being wonder woman that she is said: "you should have brought him in earlier." I just continued to blubber and cry and then just walked back to the apartment (still hearing Reed screams behind me) It took me a bit to calm down so I could sleep but I crashed hard and before I knew it my alarm was blaring 5:30 alreadly. There were not enough four letter words in the English language or any other for that matter to express my feelings.

Last night, thank heavens, was much better.... Just woke up screaming 3 times. (Night terrors.... not colic, not bad night habits... just night terrors. Ive been all over the internet trying to find some sort of quick fix but to no avail. Mom said I just need to make sure he is absolutely awake and then he will go back to sleep, but really there is no real solution to keep it from happening. But I will keep looking cause Im going nutty nuts)

Anyway, I dont know what my point in all this was. Maybe to say, thanks mom. Maybe to say wow, now I know why she is crazy. Maybe just to vent. And a lot of it to say, single parenthood sucks. But thank heavens we have hit the weekend and I can try to catch up. Either way, Im gonna go take a nap.

Monday, August 18, 2008

FINS TO THE LEFT......




So I was emailing pics to Nan for a mutual activity she is having and I ran across my birthday cake. I know its been a month since, but I had to give mad props to Nan for the cake she made for me. A tribute to Jimmy Buffett at my request, she made this FINS cake for Margie's and my birthday. YEAH!!! Be impressed.