So Ive been mulling over all kinds of info these days. I think my brain is completely fried. But something has been really knawing at me for a long time. (I just wish I could peg what exactly it is.)
A few nights ago I woke up from having the strangest dream. I was just arriving back in Montana. For some reason, I had returned to continue or to start another mission. I remember thinking, this is not the way it was when I came here last time. Meaning, the red tape process... I just arrived and went to it, no training, just meeting up with a companion somewhere Funny that the companion in my dream is my boss in real life (I haven't quite figured out what she is representing -- her characteristics and all) As I haven't quite pegged that part yet, it really isn't important in my story.
Anyway, I remember meeting up with Jenn and saying, "I know where we need to stop first and mentioned a family from my greenie area, the ward mission leaders house. ---This is where I feel really bad because I cant remember their names, but I loved that family. Oh Whitfield I think, maybe--- As we started toward their house, I hesitated. I remember thinking, wait a minute. I can't do this. What will Reed do? I can't be gone from Reed for so long. I was so excited to be back in Montana and was really happy to see the family again (as they were so good to me) and I was really excited to have the structure of the mission, but everytime I would start to go toward their house I would sick up. Reed would freak out. How could I even consider leaving him?
When I first woke up, my reaction was, "That is so wierd" but the more I thought about it, the more I saw what was so plainly laid out. Now those of you who know me know I am a big believer in dreams. I think I got it from my love for psychology. Now, I know I am not a dreamer in a spiritual sense. I guess the Lord knows I need more of the 2 by 4 approach. But I know that there was a definate message for me.
I have never made it a secret that the whole Shane thing has forever changed me. And it/he has been on my mind a lot lately. (Too much, according to some that follow the blog) And I suppose it is true. But I think this dream was letting me know was that it was time to stop looking back on the joys, hurts and what ifs of the past and start living in the now and looking toward the future.
Now mind you I thought I had reached that point a while back, but its funny how a little reminiscing turns to big what ifs, if you let yourself get carried away.
My mom and I have had some pretty interesting conversations throughout the last few years along these lines (usually as those old hurts I thought were long gone reappeared.) I remember her saying that we all have crossroads in our life that we look back to with a little pause. We all have few different paths we would have liked to take and that we can look back on and say, "I wonder" or "I wish I could just see what that would have been like" She said she thinks we all have another "life" or two we all would have liked to live. But that we only have one path.
The other day she was online and when I walked up to her she said she wanted to show me something. She googled some guys name and up popped the most amazing photography. Black and white, nature prints, very similar to -- but I think even more striking-- than Ansel Adams. She told me that this was the work of one of her old boyfriends. Then she went back to the search and just reading the list of results showed that he was a very successful, award winning photographer very well respected by his peers. She then said that she had also downloaded some music that he had composed. I asked her how she had found him and she was embarrissed to admit that it had just come to her one day to google him. (Maybe it was the most recent school reunion, who knows)
But I think, and I dont know how she knew all this was building up the past little while, but I have learned to not question my moms ESP, but maybe she knew I needed to know that we have all been there. Looking back, almost frozen in time as we look around at our current circumstances saying, What have I done? What could I have done? How did I get here? Her little "Ive been there" was a big nudge forward. A reminder that the reverie is alright, but not to let it consume you into thinking you have chosen the wrong "life" and in turn keep you from living life. And to remember that those memories are somehow a little sweeter in hindsight. The what ifs don't contain the realities of life. They are seen through rose colored glasses. Faults are smaller, faces are handsomer, and life is perfect. No challenges, no flaws, no trouble... And no growth.
So it came to me that as long as I was continally drawn back to the past, I was not moving forward. It was more like that part in Alice in Wonderland where everyone is chasing each other around and around in circles. AND GETTING NOWHERE.
I dunno how to sum this all up. Like I said, this has been floating around in my brain in some form or another for a long long time. So if you actually read this all the way through, Im kinda surprised. If you actually followed my train of thought, Im shocked. But I think I have some old pictures and letters to burn.
4 years ago