Stuck

Im having one of those "stuck" times. You know, those moments where you dont feel like you are active in your own life. You just float through the routine cause its easier than fixing stuff. I suppose thats not totally true. I had some major breakthrough moments these past few weeks and so I am here looking at the weight of what it all means and wondering, "What comes next?" I suppose you could say some long straggling loose ends were tied up...stuff that's been keeping me in the "stuck" times and now I dont quite know what to do with myself.

The other day I was talking with an old friend who has been through a lot since we were stupid kids in high school. (The most of it coming at her in the last couple years. ) And her reaction was, "I dont even know who I am anymore." She had lost a routine, a loved one and a way of life recently and replaced it all with new and different. At first, I thought it was strange. My reaction was to tell her not to try to put a label on stuff and realize we are all a work in progress, continually evolving. Funny how not 2 weeks later, I feel the same way. Not in a Who am I, where did I come from, where am I going sense. But in a "Who am I? Without all the labels and the daily activities that keep us so busy.... that don't really define who we are, even though we try to use them to describe us."

I dunno the more I think about it, the more I realize its kind of a stupid question to ask in the first place.... Too abstract to truly answer and too many variables to consider that effect the answer. Now my head hurts.

Wonder Woman!!

I am having a wonder woman kind of day. Maybe even last couple days...

--I think I am getting a cold, my voice is froggy, Im stuffy and I kinda have a headache.
--Work is slow and so the day is dragging...again.
--I got a big o mess of an apartment and laundry that needs attention.
--The father of Reed, who wishes to be nameless now, has pushed me to the point of pure rage. (He will now be known as Him who we do not speak of... or the donor...or I dunno any other suggestions?)
--I am lonely and need a date, just a reaffirmation that Im not a complete social retard.
--I am having a bad hair day, which is difficult as it is super short and I wear it messy and spikey on purpose. But the left side of my hair grows faster than the right and it makes me nutty nuts.
--The button on my pants fell off so I have been using a safety pin to keep it fastened, but because there is no button, the zipper wants to unzip... and if I bend down the safety pin pops open, becoming unsafe, and poking my belly.

But with all that crap, worries and responsibilities that swirl around like a whirlpool ready to pull me under.... Im feeling DAMN powerful today.

I put on a new shirt and noticed that while the cut tends to make it look like a maternity shirt, it does accentuate the not as fat as everywhere else part of my body that I rely on. It is the first time in a very long time I have not been crazy self conscious about the way I look. Add to that my pants feel big. And I start to wonder, Is it possible? Could I be shedding some of this weight?

I haven't been good about what I am eating, I haven't been taking my meds like I should, I pooped out of my exercising every day goal after about a week. But this little glimmer makes me wonder what could happen if I actually tried. YEAH!!!

Lovin the little things

Reed was especially cute this morning. I usually leave him sleeping in the morning while I get ready for work. When I walked into the room to wake him up, he was already awake, staring off into space. When he saw me he smiled. I started singing to him, as I usually do and he laughed. And laughed. It made my day.

Work today has been ordinary. While Im happy for no big crisis, it makes the day drag. I was happy for my lunch break. I had to stop at the store to return some t-shirts that were too BIG. YEAH. There is hope!!!

I went to El Pollo Loco for lunch and got me a BRC. I used to get these all the time when I worked in Tempe. In Tempe, a BRC stands for Beans, Rice and Cheese. This is what I was expecting. (Its on their dollar menu. Its cheap and good. Cant beat that) Apparently at the Pollo Loco on Power and the freeway today, BRC stands for Beans, Rice and Chicken. Jackpot!!! So I got a burro with yummy chicken in it, that would have cost me a few dollars in Tempe, for just 1.29.

Yes... It is the little things in life that help us dance on through the crap.

Domestic Goddess

My mom has been out of town playing with her bestest friend since forever and so I have been playing mommy to the fam. I have loved pretending to be a domestic goddess, trying out new recipes and cooking more than I have in I dont know how long. My favorite website is Recipezaar.com cause you type in ingredients and it will pull up recipes. So I have been able to use freezer stuff and pantry stuff to make all kinds of fun things.

It sucked to come back to work today. I could have stayed home and continued "playing" forever. Once again, I am faced with the reality that I was born in the wrong era. Damn all you women's libbers that made it almost impossible to be a stay at home mom. (Nevermind that my own choices didn't help my chances for that anyway...) Cause I like cooking and keeping house (even if Reed makes keeping it clean almost impossible.) I like baking cookies and perfecting my less than perfect culinary skills. I like my bra.... or at least what it does for me. Damn women's libbers.... Although I do appreciate some of what they accomplished, a lot of it did nothing for us and its sad to see their work go down the tubes as girls have cycled back to only being valued for their waif-like, unfeminine bodies and silicone breasts. But thats another blog for another day.

OH TO BE A HOUSEWIFE....

FYI

For anyone that saw James' temper tantrum on Facebook before I was able to remove it, Im sorry. I realize now its probably not a good idea for him to have access as a friend. It has been corrected.

Lion King

Lion King is playing in our waiting room today. As Scar was singing his little "be prepared" song, all I could think of was Obama.

Caution: Graphic images.

I needed a good different sweet snack today, so I bought Cinnamon Bears at Sprouts. MMMM. These Cinnamon Bears look exactly like the kind Gracie and I used to get in the waiting area at the hospital in Billings. We used to have play bear conversations and I remember some bears kissing at one point. We may have not liked each other much, but we did have fun at times. Memories.... Anyway, in scooping them out I accidentally semi-decapitated one of the poor little bears.

Another lesson from the fire-- Perspective

I realize the original thought that inspired the last blog entry was completely forgotten when I sat down to write the other day. So I will add it now.

As a was cleaning the soot off the wall, I looked up and noticed a huge spider web up in the corner. It was blackened like everything else. I looked around and found two other webs throughout the room, also dark with soot.

I always thought I was pretty good about cleaning up the corners of cobwebs, but the smoke from the fire had a way of really bringing to light some of the cobwebs that had been missed.

Hard times in life, like the fire, have a way of bringing out some of the little things that need attention. The little parts of our life like our character flaws or little bad habits, little idiosyncracies if youwill, that need cleaning or fine tuning can be magnified or highlighted during these times. And usually we do a couple of different things: We can either get discouraged and beat ourselves up for it, we can ignore that they were ever brought to our attention, or we can turn the trial into a learning experience and take the opportunity to correct our flaws.

With just a little effort, my sooty cobowebs were cleared away. Unfortunately, many of the metaphorical cobwebs require a little more time. But Im grateful for the subtle, kind reminder that there is still work to be done.

What we gained in the fire.

So I never saw that movie: What we lost in the fire. But I will put a spin on it.
What I gained in the fire:

1. Angels surround us. This could have been huge. I wasn't in my apartment. This could have easily been the whole house. I kinda freak out if I think about it much. 25 years gone in an instant. We are watched over.

2. The Lord's promptings are exactly what they need to be, not what we think they should be. You would think I would have heard a prompting like, "somethings wrong, go out to the apartment." Instead, the thought was, "Send Millie out to get the leftovers from last night." Not conventional, but it got the job done. ** Notice mine was about FOOD.**

3. Be prepared. I need to put new batteries in the smoke alarm. I never paid attention to it, til it didn't work when I needed it to... NOT GOOD. (Ironic considering I organize the fire inspection and drill info for all of our PT centers at work...) But how many things in life do we NOT think of til we really need it? Prayer? Food Storage? A full gas tank? For a long time, the idea of a 72 hr kit has been nagging at me, I putter around with it now and then, but I think its time to really get it together.

4. Nothing in coincidental. Last year, while working at our Tempe office, the Rural Metro guy came to inspect the fire extinguishers. One was not up to code for a commercial area so he replaced it with a new one and told me I could have the old one. Not thinking much of it, I said, Ok, I guess... A few months back when straightening up, I got frustrated that the stupid thing was taking up space (as it is so limited in my apartment) I almost got rid of it, but I figured Id just keep it out by my washer/dryer instead of in the apartment. Just in case. This was a lifesaver. Thank you Rural Metro.

5. If you are prepared you wont be afraid. When I rushed out to the apartment, I knew exactly where I had my fire extinguisher. I looked into the smoke filled kitchen, saw it was the range, quickly turned off the burner and went outside to grab my fire extinguisher. Now, I had never used one, it was a bit intimidating, but because of fire drills at work, I had a basic understanding. My heart was pounding, but I wasn't afraid.

After my firefighter experience was over, I came back in to the house to let Millie know everything was ok. Her train of thought was the same as mine. It could have been so much worse. It hit home when she realized that her room backs up to my kitchen. My response was, "We were so lucky." She, being much wiser (even if she is 15 years younger) said, "No Emily, We are blessed." Yup. Humbled by my bratty teenager sister. OUCH. And of course she was right.

Sweet Ride

I want a mustang, Shelby preferrably, and I want the license plate to read: DRTYPNY

I also want a Honda Element 0r one of the original Scions, I want to paint it bright yellow and I want the license plate to read: SHRTBUS.

Facebook Fixation

Umm. So after recieving a few invites to join facebook, I finally did. I know, I know, Im so behind in the times. In a matter of about 5 minutes I was reintroduced to people I haven't seen since high school. It was crazy. It was way more user friendly than MySpace and super crazy how it interconnects you with others and I was just scratching the surface. I haven't even gotten started on special interst groups. Add to that the comments that come piling in, its like blogspot on crack. And one just cant help but keep checking to see what is happening next.
And while I am completely fascinated by how many people have already added me as a friend or requested being my friend because I was added to someone else, or written on my wall... (I believe that is illegal in some states...) I cant help being a little frightened of it. BIG BROTHER and all. Especially lately. So the jury is out. The big downer of being on Facebook is I have limited time I can be on Facebook. I get all these request and cant do anything about it at work. And the draw to "put my two cents in" as I get emails about whats going on is intense. So I guess we will see...

Desperado

HAHA I wrote the other entry too soon. My musical day has come full circle. I will have to stop listening now cause Desperado, (The Clint Black version) came on. ENOUGH already. No more of those memories.
So I will just pretend it was the Don Henley version as it has much happier memories connected to it. A few years back, Margie and I just happened to be on the recieving end of some Eagles tickets. It was fabulous! And of course they saved Desperado for the very last song of the concert about 10 encores into it. The funny part was, from the first encore, this stupid kid kept yelling, 'Play Desperado' over and over again, like they could hear him and like they were going to NOT play it and like they didn't have a play list, even for the encores. Needless to say, we laugh frequently when one randomly yells out "play Desperado!"

Gone Country

So I have been at work exactly one hour and 40 minutes. Today, Justin the PT here in Gilbert, decided it was country day. I haven't listened to country in years. For a very good reason. Country was the soundtrack for my life just after my mission. A wonderful, carefree, all the world is beautiful time in my life. I was in LOVE. I know, I know, all this unfiltered bliss? No sarcasm, no cynicism, no complaints? Thats not the Emily we know!!! Well it didn't last and I turned the station after it all disappeared. And hadn't listened since. Til today. I kid you not, every song that could drudge up my memories of that time in my life has played. In the last one hour and now 45 minutes. Of course, there is no escaping Tim McGraw when listening to country, Im not dilusional. But come on.... Nitty Gritty Dirt Band??? Fishing in the dark? Darrell Worley...I miss my friend. DAMMIT. Pray I survive today without falling over crying or doing something really stalkerishly stupid.

And just for the record, Im not a cynic. Im a Disappointed Idealist. There is a huge-o difference.

Going gun shopping

So a few days back, My Montana passed a law that if they wanted to manufacture guns in Montana and sell them in Montana to people that would reside in Montana, then they did not need to use the National system for registering said guns. A big shout out to My Montanan's out there for telling the feds where they can shove it and reaffirming their sovergnty.

So this is where things get grey. I dont live in Montana. I wish I did... is that close enough? Cause... I want one of those non registered guns. Just to say I have one. I want it to have printed across it (as required by Montana's new law) Made in Montana. I want one just to say, "F U Obama", more than for any practical reasons. Truth is, Montana's major gun manufacturers pretty much only produce .22's, high end specialty guns and historical reproductions. Not much of a big draw for all those crooks that want to get past the feds background checks. But this is fixing up to be quite the brawl in the courts.

In the mean time, I want in on it. So I fight back and forth with myself about contacting some old friends in Montana to see just how easy it would be to get my hands on my Made in Montana gun. (Most likely a .22) Would that make me a weapons smuggler? Or would I have to use this as an excuse to return to My Montana for good?

Dinnertime donts

So I was just reading my cousins blog and she mentioned that if you want good chinese you need to go visit Yum Yum Chinese (or something like that) at the Tempe Marketplace. She said it was better than my usual choice of Panda Express. Funny how yesterday, while speaking to a coworker, I was told NOT to eat at Panda, as his wife went to school with someone that worked there and advised against it. Bad news is I didn't get a reason why. But this is not the first time I have heard this.

I figured this would be a fun blog to open up to comments or to use as a tag, where you dont eat and why....

For Example: I do not eat at Waldo's BBQ anymore. A few years back I got a mixed dinner that included ribs. Yummy right? Yeah, yummy until I saw that attached to one of the ribs was the little piggy esophagus, GAG! I have never been back.


Example Number 2: Back in the foggy days, James' roommate was a prep cook at Pei Wei. Now most people think Pei Wei is a little higher end than your typical restaurant. (Chili's and such) Dont be fooled by the giant horsie statue outside. If you saw this cooks hygiene habits you wouldn't step foot in the place. Add to this an incident that I was made aware of. One night he got stinking drunk. Nasty stinking drunk (I think it was his birthday) Anyway, he got sick, didn't make it to the bathroom and instead Yacked in the corner of his room. Come the next morning, he got up just in time to leave for work, realized his work clothes (dirty from the day before anyway) just happened to be in the corner that he had yacked in the night before. NO big deal.... he shook them off, put them on and left for work. He was not sent home to change.

Example Number 3: When I went to St George one time, James and I stopped went to eat at Dave's BBQ. We were promptly seated and then promptly ignored for 30 minutes. Nothing. No one came to take a drink order, nothing. We left and Ive never been back to any of the Dave's BBQs because of it.

See Im really awful about restaurants. Once you have grossed me out or pissed me off, I will not ever go back. So if you have any suggestions for good alternatives Local or Not (ya never know when I may be in your neck of the woods) or have any other gross out stories (local or not) let me know.

Second rate goods

So yesterday I begged Ella to watch Reed for me so I could take a nap as I was feeling a bit under the weather and completely exhaused from the ordeal the day before..... I tried so hard, but couldn't fall asleep. Instead this is what ran through my mind.


Back when I was a kid, 12 or so, I used to watch a movie a lot. One of the lines referred to girls that marry really young as, "Second rate goods that had to be sold in a hurry". If you can name the movie, you get the prize.

Anyway, I laughed and continued down this train of thought.

If this is true, then does that make me.....

An impluse buy that was later returned w/o being opened, that was then bought by someone else when it was on super clearance, then used, and then returned to the store?

You know, like once, I bought a DVD player when visiting my little sister in Thatcher so we could watch some movies we rented. But I knew I wasn't gonna keep the DVD player so we kept all the packaging and repacked it and returned it to the local Walmart. EXCEPT we forgot to take out the DVD that we had RENTED and had to go back to the return lady at Walmart and ask her to get the DVD back out of the DVD player. So much for being all smooth and crafty about "deciding we just didn't want that type of DVD player". I think we told the return lady that my "husband said no, that he wanted a name brand and he made me bring it back." Im not very good at lying, especially considering the rented copy of Moulin Rogue still inside.

But would I even be considered "bought"? Like was I put on Layaway but then never picked up so I was put on Super Clearance, BUT just got lifted cause even the super clearance price was too much, then I was used, and then returned to the store for store credit? So the crook made money in the process?


See this is why I cant ever get a nap.

OH WELL....
"I don't want sunbursts or marble halls", I just want get bought one of these days.

Mother's Day Regrets?

I have a wierd confession. I am old. Wanna know how I know I am officially old? I am a talk radio junkie. Well, not really. I just would rather listen to that then the current and even not so current music alternatives. So if you are to get into my truck at almost any time, you will most likely find it on 92.3 (KTAR, talk radio in AZ.)
Last night, I was driving back from Tempe, and they were talking about Bristol Palin being a spokesperson for abstinance. The commentator was very distainful of this decision. Not because he didn't disagree with abstinance as a preventative measure to combat teen pregnancy, but because she had stated at an earlier time that abstinance was not really a practical solution. I was ready to call in. See, I understand exactly how it is possible to have these thoughts come from the same individual, relatively close together in time.
I understand how hard it is to say, "No I dont regret having my son, I love him dearly. I wouldn't trade him for the world." Even when all the world knows what choices led up to you having him. But I also know what its like to say, "I wish I would have had my son under different circumstances. I know now why a family should have a mother and a father. I now understand why kids should be born to parents committed to each other through marriage vows. Cause I know just how hard it is to do it alone. And while I would never, ever trade my son for anything in the world, I can and do regret the events that led up to his arrival.
When interviewed, it seems the media wanted Bristol to admit that her son, Tripp, was a mistake. She never did. But she expressed many of the same feelings I have felt. I can say "No, my son was not a mistake, but the choices that led up to me having were." There is a big difference. I think instead of the media condeming her and saying she is a hypocrite, I think they should realize that she is using her "name" to be able to say to kids, "Don't make the same mistakes I did." I applaud her for being able to admit her choices were not wise and be willing to use her experience to help other girls make better decisions. As for her original statement that abstinance was an ideal but unreasonable expectation for teens, I see it this way: in this day and age, it certainly is difficult, but I think it mirrors Tripp's father's thinking more than her own and it also works as a baseline to show us just how much she has learned in her short time as a mother. See NO ONE, NO ONE, can begin to explain how life altering a baby is. Especially, if you are a single parent. It is only through actually experiencing it that you realize how much it changes who you are and what you believe, what you can and can't do, and just about every facet of your life.
Because of the circumstances of Reed's conception, my first mother's day was very hard for me. I was back at church, big as a barn already - even though I was not due til July. I just cried all day long. Somehow it didn't count for me. My motherhood was not a celebration for anyone. It was shameful, a big glaring spotlight displaying my bad choices.
Im happy to say my second Mother's day was much different, more a pat on the back for actually living up to what motherhood required and surviving (that far). I was no longer wasting time beating myself up for things I couldn't change. I think I just didn't have the time or was just too tired. Actually, I had begun down the road to repentance and learned that looking back did no good.
This year, who knows? Do I think Im a fabulous mom that deserves a huge celebration. HELL NO. I make do, I make mistakes, I cry lots, but I try to get the job done the best I can and pray the angels help with anything I miss. I supposed that's all any mother can do.

Lil explanation...

I was talking to Nan today and she said that I needed to explain the first pic below. She said it didn't make any sense out of context. So I will explain. On a very very enjoyable roadtrip to my Montana, back before we had responsibilities (namely Brian and Reed) we meandered through Yellowstone, and got lost. Anyway, this was taken there, and at the time it was very funny (as most things are when on roadtrips when punchy from no sleep and too much time in a car.) We stopped here as this "thermal area" was popping and bubbling and making the funniest of noises. Are own "bog of eternal stench" (Yet another reference to Labrynth.... wow) Anyway, it struck us as funny as most fart references are. The pic while triggering memories for me and Nan and making us laugh, unfortunately does not effectively convey the beauty of this moment for any random person. Sorry. But, seriously, it was halarious!!!!

Here's your sign....

Just a bunch more pics from the past that made me laugh. This last one was on the sight of the Unibombers cabin. I enjoyed the trip down memory lane. Hope you find some humor in it too. Soon this blog is gonna end up like a missionary slide show that never ends.

Fortune Cookie #2

Yeah!!! Its my Friday. (I work 4 tens, M-Th) I was good and didn't go out for lunch all week long so I rewarded myself with Panda Express. This is why I am a "not thin" person. I reward myself with food. Anyway, I have wanted to have the fortune cookie posts be a consistant thing, but the last few times, my fortunes have been crappy. Because of said fortunes, I decided I would write my own fortunes. This proved to be a much more difficult task than I ever could've imagined. That Confuscius had a tough gig, I always just took him for granted. So I scrapped that idea. So I figured Id go back to my original idea. But now I am totally sidetracked.

Todays fortune: Your magnetic personality will draw people to you.

WOW, I just always thought it was my amazing baking skills. I make a mean chocolate chip cookie.