Where have all the bad asses gone?

I came from the generation where any teenager that had a car, had the bumper sticker saying, "QUESTION AUTHORITY". I think we all thought we were tough stuff, that we knew more than those trying to teach something in the school where we parked our car. The sad truth is: for all of us sporting this bold statement of defiance, we sure missed out on its true meaning.

Flash forward over ten years later as we watch the very foundation of our country being demolished piece by piece. Some look on cheering, some with shock, some with horror, some with complacence and some are just too busy to watch. I look on saying, where are all those who seemed so tough, so quick to fight against the status quo, the political machine, the traditional education. Where have all the bad asses gone?

Maybe they are the ones cheering. I dont know. What I do know is this: No matter what politial affiliaton, no matter what spiritual or logical tenets one subscribes to, NO ONE should be looking on saying, "this is good". Back away from your wants from government. Back away from what you think is justice and fair. Back away from all the rhetoric that gets us all fired up and fighting against each other. That just keeps us occupied so we dont see whats really happening.

I dont care if your views on politics are completely opposite than mine. The pendulum continues to swing from one extreme to another, leaving us all a little motion sick and none of us better for it.

In then end, uncontrolled and unchecked, government is a dangerous thing. Far more dangerous than any extremist, whether they fall into Napoletano's definition or any other.

See, what we dont seem to realize or what we forget in the heat of the moment of trying to provide all for the the people is: for every power we give the government, we lose a little more freedom. You cant have it both ways. Unfortunately, we are living in a society that believes the promises of everything you ever "needed" will be provided, IF ONLY: you trade a little bit of your freedom back to the government. The problem is, we have been doing this for far too long and now we have no control. We are no longer considered the "free-est market in the world". Did you know that?

So now that over a decade since our rebellious teenage years have passed, I believe it is time to resurrect the simple statement of QUESTION AUTHORITY. Not to be subborn or cause trouble, not just to thumb our noses and act like spoiled teenagers again, but to remind us of something we have forgotten along the way or something maybe we liked, but didn't truly understand.

There is power in questioning authority. There is a sense of responsibility in questioning authority. It lets government know that we expect them to do what they say and say what they do, that is means is, that blatant lies during state of the union addresses are not acceptable and that if they cant do the job with integrety, they cant do the job.

Im not calling out one political side, Im calling out all politicians! So quick to point the finger when the other fouls up, but doing exactly what they are pointing the finger for when they think no one is looking. All are guilty. I say start from scratch. Get rid of the whole bunch, cause if you think that they care whether you have insurance or not, they dont. They care about you handing them over the responsibility for it, the power. If you think they care about your right to choose or a baby's right to life, they dont, the like the power to make that decision for you. I could go on an on. In the end, suffice it to say: If something is important to you, that is your responsibility. Not the governments.
Remember: A government big enough to give you everything you ever wanted is big enough to take everything you ever had.

I was reading George Orwell's 1984 a couple days ago and my stomach churned at some of the things that mirrored today. History suddenly changes, words that are no longer allowed -- like terrorist or illegal alien, being punished for thoughts. (IE: hate crimes FYI: A crime is no more or less punishable no matter the reason behind it...) Its scary to see our society turn into that of Orwell's. It also guarantees one very important truth if we come to it: POVERTY. We keep hating the fat cats, but they put food on the table for most of us. Their success is our success. Just ask those who were laid off because of the recession. Big business is cut, so is our way of living.

Just a little glimpse of where my mind goes when it cant sleep at night. I promise to not be quite so far between posts. Its been a rough last little while. But life is good, insane and a bit frantic, but good. Just one more time for all you bad asses in disguise out there.... QUESTION AUTHORITY!!!

A cancer by any other name....

I saw the surgeon yesterday. I keep thinking each visit will bring answers, unfortunately with every answer, more unknowns show up. The tumor was a Medullary Carcinoma. It is very rare. The results took so long because the slides had to be sent to a specialist at the Mayo in Rochester. I feel pretty special knowing that part of me has now visited Minnesota. (And I didn't even get any pictures!) Mom and I also laughed that of course, my case would be one of the freaky ones... What did he call it... oh, an anatomical abnormality. (Like I didn't already know that!!!) Well, I will never be normal no matter how hard I try!

The good news is, I wont be needing radiation. The bad news is, I have a big lab work up that has to be done. But has to be momentarily put on hold til my new insurance begins on Tuesday. The labs are because:

About 80% of the time, this is sporadic, its just a fluke that just starts growing.
About 20% of the time, there is a genetic marker that kinda predetermines whether you are going to get it.

We have to determine which kind it is because Reed may also have that marker. If he does, his thyroid will also have to be removed as soon as possible. The surgeon said if it isn't tracked, he could be full blown malignant by 10. This is also important, because my sisters are starting to wonder if this little marker is possibly what has been causing havoc for them. (No cancer seen in any of them, but if there is a genetic link, this is important to know)

I will also have to be tested to see if it has spread. The tumor itself is out and the questional lymph nodes that they removed were benign, so that is really hopeful. I will continue to be screened for a specific hormone the tumor produces. The sooner that level increases or doubles the more likely it has spread and will eventually be fatal. (Oh that was hard to type...) But if my levels remain stable or even decrease I will continue to have a normal healthy life like most common thyroid cancer survivors. And again the surgeon is confident that we caught it early, because of the small size and the benign lymph nodes.

I will continue to update the blog and keep my facebook up to date as soon as I know more.

I appreciate all your concern, your love and prayers. I appreciate your own similar experiences that were shared and gave me confidence and increased hope. I know that I have already been so blessed through this. I also appreciate that I know that I can call in favors if needed. This is going to be a stressful next few weeks/months, but I know I am being strengthened through the love and blessing of a Heavenly Father and through my family and friends who continue to plea to Him on my behalf.
I know that He has sent me you to help through your prayers and service. My prayer is that I can learn what I need to from this experience and be able to look back on it as just one of life's many stepping stones that will eventually make me who I need to become.

A little behind (like any kind of behind has only been little around here)

First and foremost: If you were scheduled to be on the recieving end of 2009 Made by Me giveaway, (Katherine and Jennifer I believe) I must apologize. (Its cut out. Its not done yet.) In the rules it stated I had til the end of the year. I was gonna pretend like I thought it was a year from the date of the post, but then I figured I better just say.... Ya never know when something may show up in you mailbox. But it wont be in 2009. Obviously.

Next, the fun stuff. For those of you wondering how I ended up having surgery so quickly. Here's a quick little overview of Cancer Watch 2009-2010.
-- Last summer my OBGYN suggested I go visit an endocrinologist because of one (just one) hormone that was outta range.
-- October, I finally got into see said endocrinologist. (Waiting list cause he is good.)
-- He ran a bunch of labs, everything normal. But palpated a nodule on my thyroid.
-- November, had an ultrasound of thyroid to find a 1 1/2 x 2 1/2 cm growth.
-- December 17, had a needle biopsy. Was told Dr was going out of town so I may or may not get the results back before the new year.
-- December 21, recieved a call from the Dr saying to be in his office Thursday at 8:30 (before the office opens) to discuss the results.
-- Christmas Eve, I was told:
Biopsy results showed abnormal cells -- but it was inconclusive whether or not it was malignant. Find a surgeon to remove half or all of the thyroid. (By then I had already texted friend to get her surgeon father to do the surgery.) As I left, the nurse said Merry Christmas and smiled and said: "dont worry, if you have to have cancer this is the best kind to have."
I then went back to work to finish off the rest of my day.
I dropped off all the notes at the surgeons house, talked with him a minute and he said his office would contact me about an appointment. I explained that it would either have to be before the end of the year or I would have to wait til March. (I start my new job 1/19/10 and cant miss the training at all.)
Enjoyed Christmas festivities, but all the time wondered what I would do. I knew from the start I would be ok.... I just didn't know what would happen that would eventually get me to well.
-- December 30, surgery day. Went perfectly. Thyroid completely removed along with a couple lymph nodes.
-- January 7, Dr Walker says its healing great and looks better than he expected it to. The bad news is: the pathologist couldn't tell what it was they took out. Its not common. My thyroid is being sent out to more pathologists to look at cause it is a "anatomical abnormality". (Mom and I laughed hard when he called it that. I said, "What's new, I didn't need a surgeon to tell me that!) So I still dont know whether I get to be radioactive or not. The good news is: its out!

I am hoping to find out Monday and will keep everyone posted. In the mean time:
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your meals and visits.
Thank you for the texts of encouragement.

Its funny. I have been through lots in the past few years. And I used to complain and say, "I could deal with all these problems so much easier if I didn't have to deal with them alone. Its so hard to feel picked on and unloved." (Meaning, if I was married this would be much easier to bear my health problems. Keeping a positive outlook is tough without a soft place to fall or a shoulder to cry on.) This time I realized, I may not have a man to hold me and tell me its gonna be ok. But I have about a BAZILLION friends and family that are there. And no one person coulda given all the love and support that the collective have given during these days. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Manheim Steamroller Sucks A**

Its been way too long since my last snarky post. So in honor of the season -- Here are just a few things I HATE about Christmastime. I'm sorry ahead of time, cause I know someone, somewhere will be offended.

Bell ringing Ok, I know its for a good cause and I keep quarters in my purse for anytime I run into them. But honestly!! The ringing, its killing me. When I finally get rich Im gonna walk up to them with a big bill and say, Ill pay you $1oo to stop just until I leave this store...

Celebrity "save the world" Christmas songs Put your money where your mouth is. Stop singing your stupid songs. Just go do something to help and please don't tell me about it. But stop making me feel bad for enjoying my Christmas celebrations which are way less elaborate then some dumb celebrity's.

Las Vegas Lights Christmas lights should be tasteful. If I get an adrenaline rush from the thought of hitting the jackpot when I drop off your Christmas goodies, you should probably tone it down a bit. Nor should your lights inspire me to start singing Dave Matthews "Ants Marching".

The Christmas Shoes Song This kinda follows along the same line as the Celebrity Christmas song complaint. While this is a sweet little Christmas short story, this makes a mushy super sap song. Keep it in print. The song is way too much. And again, I dont wanna feel bad during Christmas.

The Happy Holiday Feud Im gonna say Merry Christmas cause its Christmas. I dont care what you are celebrating. Just cause you choose not to celebrate doesn't mean Im gonna hide the fact that I do. If you get offended cause you wanna celebrate Hannaukah or Quanza or whatever and not Christmas, Im sorry. If you were to say Happy Quanza to me, I might look at ya funny as I am the whitest girl I know, but I wouldn't get offended. Get over it!

Manheim Steamroller I hate, hate, hate Manheim Steamroller. I hear the concerts are amazing. But I am sorry.... I am not inspired by its John Tesh meets the Disney Electric Light Parade feel. Its lame at minimum and beyond obnoxious in general. So to that all I can say is:

Manheim Steamroller Sucks A**

What we CAN do....

For those wondering what YOU can do to help stop the deterioration of our country and our freedoms.... Please read the following letter from a fellow Christian, a stranger to me, but a concerned American reminding us of the ONE thing that WILL make a difference. I invite you to join me and millions of other Americans on Sunday December 6th in fasting and prayer for our nation. As I have posted before (Hows that thread holding), I believe God is the only one that can save our country, God is the one that can inspire us to know what WE need to be doing.

DAY OF FASTING AND PRAYER FOR AMERICA

We, my wife and I, are firmly convinced that our elected politicians are incapable of representing the will of the American people – and incapable of adhering to the Constitution of the United States of America which they took a solemn oath to uphold and defend.

We are among the millions of U.S. Citizens who are at our wits end sending e-mails, faxes, telephoning, meeting with elected officials, demonstrating, rallying – and hoping – that those representatives will do the will of the people. They have failed. Have we, as well?
The United States of America is a choice land, a nation that was founded by our forefathers who were divinely inspired by God the Father Almighty.

This choice nation has been the defender of freedom throughout its relatively short history. We have led in the fight for freedom against many tyrants and dictators who have plundered and pilfered their citizens and have subjected them to great sufferings through blood and horror.

The people of those nations who suffered these great injustices knew that they could always depend upon the goodness, power and righteousness of the United States of America to extract them from their plights, and it was done – many times over. It was not done without expense – the expense of the blood and sacrifice of the members of our armed forces – and the suffering of their families.

As the year 2009 soon comes to a close, we the citizens of the United States of America find ourselves facing many of the challenges – which those nations suffered at the hands of their political leaders. We are being attacked from within!

Who do we turn to? To which great nation can we turn to help us keep and maintain our freedom? We do not have the same hope of those nations to whom we were benefactors.
We MUST turn to our Savior. If we are a righteous people, we will be deserving of, and receive of His blessings as He has promised. He suffered and died for us – He atoned for our sins; each one of us - individually.

We know that - as a nation – we can once again be the choicest of lands. However, we cannot achieve that blessing without our willingness to please our Lord and Savior.

We are asking that all who read this message that have faith in Christ designate Sunday December 6, 2009 as a day of fasting and prayer for America .

You do not have to march on the nation’s Capitol nor go to a tea bag rally. From the comfort of your home, you can get on bended knee and with a broken heart and contrite spirit, petition the Lord to bless this nation generously according to His will. Then, keep the fast for that day. Make that Christ-like commitment to our Heavenly Father. He will listen, He will answer. That has been promised.

“And whatsoever he shall ask the father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you.” (3 Nephi 18-20) “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” (Matthew 21:22)

Joe and Janice Hagen St. George, UT.

Thanksgiving thoughts

Thanksgiving is always a weird time of the year for me. I am usually sick. Which often keeps me from the usual thanksgiving binge and does not stir very thankful feelings in me.
The past few years have been more healthy (as I am not snotting myself or delirous from fever) but have been a struggle to find my thankful heart. This year was no exception. Faced with struggles and frustrations that seem insurmountable, I find myself stirring the feelings of a glass half empty. But I know there is so much to be grateful for. So here is my list of some of the things I am grateful for when I changed my perspective:

-- A son who loves me, even when I am a less than stellar mom. All my mess ups all my inadequacies melt away when he hugs me.

-- A son with a major stubborn streak. I know it makes my job harder now, but I am hoping that I can harness it and channel it and he will be "firm, steadfast and immovable" as this world spins out of control.

-- A minor health scare that reminds me that my time is limited and that I still have a lot to accomplish. The reminder that life is precious and that I need to not waste any second.

-- A home. Its not the most ideal of living situations, but I am sheltered, safe and secure. Small as it is, its full of love (and hotwheels and trains).

-- Family. They make me crazy (or at least they genetically predetermined my high chances of insanity), but I wouldn't trade them for the world. They are the reason I survive the whirlwind that seems to be my life.

-- A year of struggles that remind me that I dont have to do it all, that I dont have to do it all by myself and that both are ok. (Cause Im good enough, Im smart enough and dog-gone it, people like me! Ha ha... I swear thats what that sounded like....)

-- A job that pays the bills, a good looking resume (that will hopefully get me job I dont hate.. that pays the bills), and a desire to get more of an education and continue to better myself.

-- A sense of humor that helps me laugh when I want to cry, makes me appreciate the beauty of Will Ferrell movies and enables me to change song lyrics so I walk around like Im in my own little personalized musical. It also allows me to drive my ugly truck and not comletely fall apart from embarissment....

-- A truck, even if ugly, that gets me to work and teaches me humility.

-- Friends that always seem to know exactly when to call, text or show up, that always seem to know exactly what to say and more importantly what not to say. (THANK YOU!!!)

-- An understanding of the bigger picture. A knowledge that I am watched over by a loving God that wants the best for me, even if it includes the painful process of "becoming".

Jennsylvania's New New Moon

This is a must see. Go visit www.jennsylvania.com for her new new moon post. Its just stills, but I laughed just the same.

DO SOMETHING MORE

So I was listening to Glenn today at lunch and he was going on his usual tangent (which I eat up, of course) and he said we need to wake up. That we needed to wake up and do something. Me being me and naturally playing the "song lyric/movie line game" started singing the hymn, Have I Done Any Good? And it reminded me of a post I was mulling over ages ago and never did write, so I will attempt it now.

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone's burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

There are chances for work all around just now,
Opportunities right in our way.
Do not let them pass by, saying, "sometime I'll try,"
But go and do something today.
'Tis noble of man to work and to give;
Love's labor has merit alone.
Only he who does something helps others to live.
To God each good work will be known.

Before you all stop reading and wonder when Im gonna get to my point... Ill get to it, I promise.
This was a common hymn choice growing up but I spent my whole childhood and into my early adulthood singing it WRONG! I know! How is it possible? The lyrics are right there typed out, but I sang it wrong every single time.

I did really good through the verses. But for some reason I got the Chorus and messed it all up. See the chorus reads:

Then wake up and do something more
Than dream of your mansion above.
Doing good is a pleasure,
A joy beyond measure,
A blessing of duty and love.

I know its pretty simple, but please say I am not alone in messing this one up. See I always sang it as:
Wake up and do something more.
THEN dream of your mansion above.

And while some of you are saying, "Umm, yeah, and...." Really if you think about it, its kinda a HUGE difference. (In fact read it both ways again, I was singing the exact opposite of the message the good Will Thompson was intending.... OOPS! My bad Will.)
Never once in this or any other hymn are we allowed any time to sit and think about how great it will be when its all said and done and we get to be in heaven... There is not time for that. There is so much we need to be doing. And honestly if a dream of our heavenly mansion is our only motivation, I think we still have lots to learn and have kinda missed the overarching point of it all. As reads in the second verse, "Love's labor has merit alone."
So next time you sing this in church, you all can laugh at how silly I was to be singing this song wrong for the majority of my life....

The Cloward - Piven Strategy

The more I learn, the more I realize I do not know enough... The more I learn, the more I realize the Winston Churchill quote: A nation that forgets its past are doomed to repeat it. May I add that a nation that forgets its past and ignores other nations mistakes are doomed to repeat them. If you want an eye opening look at current politics, follow the link. Let me know what you think.

http://swampie.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/puzzled-by-obamas-missteps-read-the-cloward-piven-strategy/

Happy Halloween

So...If you have to shave a head for a halloween costume, you MUST take a couple mohawk pictures too....Reed didn't seem to agree.

SHREK!

Reed still didn't seem to get the concept of people wanting to give him candy, so we only visited a couple people. When we went home, he did realize that we were passing out candy to people coming to our door. He then proceeded to help himself to a piece of candy everytime someone at the door got one. He really liked that part. Maybe next year...

Greener Grass

So after a few not posted comments to my blog, a few observations from both myself and my mom, a very amazing talk on Sunday, and a temple recommend interveiw with my bishop (I KNOW--ARE YOU EXCITED AS I AM?), I have come to the conclusion that I have a very bad attitude.

I have decided that the current set of challenges are God's current lesson plan to teach me how to be happy, no matter what. Bishop empathized with me and said that this is probably one of the toughest lessons to learn. I assured him that God was not scrimping on the lessons....

So I woke up today, exhaused, but happy for Friday. I had a renewed goal to be happy, to be grateful, to be content.

This was going well. And then the physical therapists started in on me at work, and have been relentless. Close to tears before I ever made it to lunchtime, I thought what a stupid day to choose to start being Pollyanna! Unfortunately, I dont think circumstances at work or in life in general will change anytime soon. So, in an attempt to help my attitude, I will work on my current "life theory".

The grass is always greener on the other side.

We hear this a lot. What I have only started to ponder on is:

How did "their" grass get so green?

• Rainy Days
• Manure (I promised mom I would not use naughty words for this one...)
• Trimming
• Lotsa yard work

If this is the case, Im gonna have an amazing lawn!!! And eventually people will being looking at my greener grass with envy. Cause contrary to the 2009 Almanac, there has been an abundance of rain lately. Add to that, a load of manure spread evenly throughout the year.

So now I just got some trimming and some yard work to do. (See Dad's lessons on the $5 yard.)

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Yesterday's quote of the day came from the one and only L. Frank Baum. If you are scratching your head thinking, "who?" He was the writer of Wizard of Oz.
A few years back, while in NY for my sister's wedding reception, we took a quick little trip to visit his home town, Chittenango, NY. (ps I voted to take a trip to the city, but it never happened.... I was not happy.)
That should say it all... I should end this before I even begin. Cause honestly, the name fits the town. Its a tiny town that has only survived by clutching onto the fact that "the" Mr. Baum was was born there. Otherwise, it would be only what its name suggests. A rest-stop. To Sh** and then Go.... Anyway, this is all neither here nor there. It just helps to accent my disgust for Mr Frank Baum and his self importance.

The quote of the day read: I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.

PALEEZE: Who the L. Frank Baum do you think you are? Give me a break.

Now I could go on and on about the power of one and give many quotes that conclude that Mr Baum is full of what tourists leave behind in their visit to his hometown.

So in response to Mr Baum's opinion on the common man, all I have to say is: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT....

The Deal, AKA the Raw Deal

So a few days ago Mom told me I needed to do a follow up. She said that there were probably more than a few people thinking that I had cancer or something.
The good news is that the bad news is not health related. Although I have developed a head cold and the bad news may eventually effect my health....
But No, nothing so severe as that. As I mentioned before, at any other time in my life this wouldn't even be a blip on my radar. I woulda bitched about it for a day and then moved on. But not so. Its funny how all of the sudden things change when ya got a kid in tow. All the sudden you jump to how things effect them. Sure, at most its an inconvenience for me, but for Reed... its a complete change in routine. Which for a two year old is no small thing.... As some of you may know.
Anyway, work gave me a kind of ultimatum. I could move to the Central Phoenix office or I could get laidoff. When I asked for some kind of monetary compensation. They said no, I was just lucky to have a job.... ASSES!!!
So instead of the posh set up I had working 2 miles from home, working 4 days a week, working with people I like.... I now have a 45 minute commute (on a good day.... 25 miles from home), I work 5 days a week, with another front office girl that seems to be quite unhappy that I am here. (add to that the financial aspect.... another day of daycare to pay for and a whole lot more gas to pay for. And with the disappearance of child support, Im feeling a bit pinched.... More like sunk....)
So if you have recieved an email regarding my current job hunt. YEAH!!! Please keep an eye out. If you haven't, its probably cause you dont live in AZ. But if you have any out of state prospects worth looking into feel free to send them on. I would probably consider it at this point.

So to sum up. No, Im not dying. Im just really good at finding new things to bitch about.

There is just no way to title it....

Ok God. So I'm having a really hard time not thinking that you must totally hate me..... You gotta help me understand this one. Cause Im not and Im starting to feel a little (actually a lot) picked on. At any other time in my life, this would be nothing. But this is everthing, now. How do I fix it? How do I weather it? And what will it do to Reed?

Fortune Cookie Fun

Its been a while since I had a fortune that was worth sharing. But yesterday I went and got chinese from some whole in the wall place. The food was so-so, but I had a good laugh.

You maintain a sense of balance in the midst of great success.

I dont quite know what to make of it. At first I found it funny cause you know I am sooooo very successful. Then I realized maybe its not my success that I am in the midst of. Kinda like being the middle child. Studies show that middle children are the most well adjusted adults basically because they get ignored. (Ok, ok that isn't really the reason. ) Maybe I should say they are a bit overshadowed by the precedence of the oldest and the rotten monster shenanigans (that are considered cute, BTW) of the youngest.
But I dont have issues....HAHAHA.

So then I decided to list my great successes that I gracefully float through with a sense of balance. But after a couple I decided it was way too sarcastic and self depreciating... even for me.

So then I decided to brainstorm who else may be providing the surrounding great success that I manage to be surrounded by..... But I realize I surround myself with crazy more than anything else... So I scrapped that.

So.... I finally just decided to read said Fortune cookies thus:

You will maintain a sense of balance in the midst of your great success.

Dont worry, I wont forget all the "Little People" that helped make me who I am. HAHAHAHA
(SIGH)

Realities of War

(FYI: this is the one that broke my heart....)

Thank you to Joe for letting me use his pictures. So I have been following as best as I can the course of the war. I have seen friends leave and return. I have seen aquaintances not return. I have listened to those in power use it to further their political careers. And my opinion on its neccessity has swung back and forth like a pendulum.

None of this mattered when I saw the above pictures. See Joe, made it personal. For some reason seeing his sweet face out there in the heat surrounded by guns... (and not little guns for sport, but GUNS) broke me. I cried.

I held Joe as a baby. (He was Joey then...) I used to watch him now and again. I remember playing video games with him and being totally mad that he could beat me every time when playing some monster truck game. I remember his gloating because he did win every time.

So after much thought, this is my view.

If the war is necessary, then we need to give it our all. Stop stalling on sending more troops. When they say they need em, send em. They should have our 100% effort on this end. Cause God knows they are giving their 100% over there. After all... Mr President, This is originally the only thing the Federal government was originally intended for. Not for some TARP to save businesses that should be allowed to fail and for lining the pockets of those that got you into office. Not some bullshit Medical care coverage for illegal aliens, not some program teaching kids to sing praises to the almighty Obama. The only power and responsibility the federal government was intended for was for protecting the states as a whole from international threats and for building international relationships. So if this is the case, all the energy spent elsewhere right now needs to be refocused. If this is a necessary war, then get to work and fight this with all we got. Not half heartedly, in an attempt to please all the people and try to salvage a second term of office.

If the war is not necessary, then get us the hell outta there.

Now, notice I did not say whether I believed the war was necessary. I have no idea. I do find it telling that the President Elect Obama had big promises for removing us and now as President Obama has now decided not to follow through with his promises (although this doesn't say much considering how many of his promises have remainded unfulfilled-- Thank goodness!!). Now privvy to Presidential info, more troops have been sent. And more continue to be requested. Still, I can honestly say, I dont know. So I will leave you with this....

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disasterous as to lose one. - Agatha Christie

And to Joe, his buddies and all others fighting. My prayers are with you. I appreciate your willingness to serve.

Abide with Me

The other night I was listening to the IPod that was passed down to me. (Yes I still get hand me down, and gratefully BTW.) Random songs played and all of the sudden I found myself in tears listening to the Hailey Westerna version of Abide with Me.

The "funk" that I was experiencing a few weeks back has never really subsided. I am struggling against my natural tendency to become "bitter party of one". Now I know we all have our seasons, I know we all have our struggles. I get it. But guess what. There are only a few of you who get to go through those trials with no help meet. There are only a few of you who know what its like to not have a "soft place to fall." There are only a few of you who really get what its like to be celibate. (Especially after a season of not). So before anyone quickly responds with sweet condolences, dont. Cause honestly. It would test our friendship. I would get ugly, really ugly. Im just venting and taking the long way round to get to my point.

And to be quite honest, the point is more a reminder for me. Readers are just along for the ride. You may read and be sympathetic... BUT DO NOT TELL ME AS MUCH!!!! If I have one more pitiful look, I will scream. And again it will not be pretty. (But again, I digress....)

So while listening to the IPod, the waterworks turned on and I had a bitter, but healing cry. I think that sometimes music is the only way I survive and keep hope up when everything tells me there is no reason to hope or to try or to even bother. Since hearing the hymn, it has been constantly running through my head. Probably saving me from doing something really, really stupid.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through clouds and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

If there was ever anyone watching the darkness deepen, if there was ever anyone feeling completely helpless and without comfort, it is me....
I see glimpses of comfort, but no long term answers to my pleas for help. So I will just keep singing my hymns and having a good cry now and again.

Looking for inspiration

So in an attempt to really get me enthusiastic about writing again, (I have had a bit of a dry spell lately), I have been looking for outside catalysts to help. This is what I have found so far.

-- What seems mundane and trivial is the very stuff that discovery is made of. Edward Lindaman

-- Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly

--Never hope more than you work. Rita Mae Brown

The last is now vinyl on my wall. But in order to be more "positive" its reads: Work as hard as you wish. I like it. (Although I think some days I tend to read and say, "I do not wish to work today....") But it got me motivated enough to open up my files and read the little I have already written. Now I just gotta commit to getting more down. Thanks to Amy for continuing to kindly remind me that I need to get to work.

Why wait....?

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

I know I said I would wait a while, but I couldn't help myself. If you like Jane Austen, let me introduce you to my new friend, Elizabeth Gaskell. She is a contemporary or I suppose you could call her the next generation in English lit. And I have fallen in love with her writing. (And also with the BBC adaptations of her writing.)

"Margaret, do not dispise me; I have a heart, not withstanding all this good-for-nothing way of talking. As a proof of it, I believe I love you more than ever- if I do not hate you- for the distain with which you have listened to me this half hour. " North and South, Elizabeth Gaskell.

I think I am so infatuated with these authors because not only can they write a great man speech, they also write amazing man speech rebuttles, AKA: the refusal. Maybe next post Ill enter a few of the refusals. They crack you up. And when you aren't laughing at them, you are screaming back at them for being so stupid for refusing the diamonds in the rough.

I have now just realized I live too much in fantasy.... I need a real life.

Its not breathing, but it has a pulse...

So romance may be close to obsolete in my personal life. Really. This is where you absolutely dont respond with a "dont worry honey, you're next" and definately not a "there is someone out there for everyone, just be patient" and I can't guarantee your safety if you say, "he is still being groomed, he will be ready for you soon." B-A-R-F!

But in an attempt to rekindle my hope and to "get my fix" so to speak, I will now share with you a favorite "man speech" and we can pretend together that it is directed at me. (Sigh)

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant." Jane Austen - Persuasion

For those of you not familiar with Persuasion. It is my favorite of all the Jane Austen stories. Go find the 1996 (I think) Cyrian Hinds version. And have a good cry for/with me. Cause maybe just maybe, even though all you smug marrieds are not suffering from the plague of being single, you may just be needing a romance fix as much as I do.

FYI: I enjoyed this so much, I may just have to have a "man speech" periodically.
Next time, I think I will pull it from North and South (Elizabeth Gaskell) or Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen). There are tons to choose from....

Parenting for Dummies

So I, needing all the help I can get, have been on the hunt for some good parenting books specific to boys.
Mom found me a book called "So You Want to Raise a Boy" by Cleon Skousen. I found this humorous. And tried not to get my feelings hurt thinking my mom was commenting on my parenting skills or lack there of.
After some not so proud parenting moments in my short but full career.... I have decided that I too should write a parenting book. Mine will be a straightforward, honest look at the beauty of parenting. Here is my brainstorming for titles. These may also just end up being chapter titles.

1. So you want to beat your child.....

2. When your childs first name is Dammit

3. The flusher, the flooder, and the flatulent. Boys in bathrooms

4. Oh my gosh, is that poop? And other things you never thought you would be saying...

5. Watching for split pea soup... (aka: no, your child isn't possessed.)

6. Nobody told me your real name was Damien...

7. Sanity is not an option.

8. When all else fails, lock them up. (this one is dedicated to Amy...)

9. Gifted and obnoxious aren't the same thing. (a book for stage moms....)

10. Oh Shit, I am turning into my mother... (This is dead on perfect for me.... cause boy is it happening!)

Alice, Alice, Wake Up Alice

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
Cat: You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.
(Alice in Wonderland)

I have way too many moments in my life where I realize that I am Alice, surrounding myself with insanity and then wondering why I am the only sane person in the room and then wondering why everyone else thinks I am crazy.

God is Awake

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.

---Victor Hugo



I have had a pretty low past couple weeks. Im not sure why. No big stress, just the constant push to make it through the day. I was glad to find this quote.

Too often of late, I have to be reminded that God is not asleep at the helm. Too often as of late, I have needed reassurance. But I bump along in the storm, white knuckled and continually cry out, "Carest thou not that we perish?" or in modern Emily terms, "Can't you see me? Im breaking down. I cant do it anymore." And in the moments that I am willing to listen, I can hear so very quietly..." The wind and the waves shall obey my will, Peace be still."

And then I have to take a deep breath, and continue to push forward.

Still

Reed and I had a pretty good day at church yesterday. Usually we end up in the hallway for the sacrament and then go home. But we lasted most of the meeting before heading home for a nap. It was the primary presentation. A big woo-hoo goes out to little sis Ella for her violin performance. Outstanding! You are amazing.

As a part of the program, the congregation sang the third verse of How Firm A Foundation. (For those of you who didn't know...) This is one of my favorite hymns. It was one of those that got me through tough times in Montana. I remember sitting through meetings sobbing as we sang it. So it holds a ton of memories and emotions in it. Anyway, the third verse:

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.
I strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

So the use of the word "Still" really stuck out to me. I never really noticed it before. But its a comfort to me now. See, sometimes we think we have made too many mistakes or we just aren't worthy for God's help. But God will never turn his back on us. No matter what, He will still give us aid. We are never so far gone that we cannot be redeemed. That is the beauty of the gospel.

I can even hear the conversation in my head...

Me: Umm. Are you there?
God: Yes, Emily, How are you today?
Me: Much the same. I'm just checking in.
God: Well, I am here.
Me: I know. Sometimes I forget.
God: Oh, dont I know it!
Me: Ha ha. Thats funny. You know everything.
God: Well, Im here when you remember again. And Ill probably find ways to help you remember if you do forget.
Me: Like last time?
God: Yeah. Like last time. And the time before. And before that.
Me: Yeah. Im pretty predictable, huh.
God: Yeah. But I know everything anyway, remember.
Me: Yes. You got me again. You really do have a great sense of humor.
God: I do. But dont ever think that I dont take you and your life seriously. Ill always be here.
Me: Even if.....?
God: Even if..... But how bout you just take my word for it and not try it.
Me: Ok. Sounds good. But what if.....
God: Yes. Even then.
Me: OR.....
God: Even then.
Me: But what about.....
God: You silly child. Aren't you catching on yet? Even then.
Me: Oh. OK. Can you hear me now? HAHA Im kidding.
God: I know. (sigh)
(See I know that I make God sigh a lot... this is a common occurance.)
Me: Ok. Well. Ill probably ask again tomorrow. So be ready.
God: I'll be here waiting. Have a blessed day.
Me: Isn't that kinda up to you?
God: No, Emily, That's kinda up to you.... (chuckle, sigh)
Me: Ok thanks.

See you may laugh. But thats probably the most realistic example of my prayers. People think Im crazy watching me talking (to what seems to be myself, but isn't) as I drive down the road and stuff. But you get the idea. STILL?

The quote for the day....

There is an ancient saying, famous among men, that thou shouldst not judge fully of a man's life before he dieth, whether it should be called blessed or wretched.

--Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC)

Funny that this is the quote for the day as I watch Reed's dad return to prison this week. There is a part of me that sighs with relief. There is a part of me that is saddened that he has not yet recognized that he is better than the life he chooses to lead. My hope is that he will eventually learn the lessons he needs to, so that he can become a man one would judge as blessed. I find comfort in this. Not only for Reed's fathers sake, but for my own.

My life too has had major valleys, major low point, times that I look back at with shame. But I can also look back at those times and use them as a baseline to see how far I have come. And it gives me an opportunity to recognize how far I still have to go so that my own life can be called blessed.

Catching up.

The one downfall of blogging at work (shh... dont tell) is that I dont have access to my pictures. So this post is way past due. Instead of doing each separately, I figured a pic tells a thousand words. So here is what my sweet little man has been up to lately.

Birthday celebrations with Daddy at Chuckie Cheese's. Who knew there were celebrities there!

Aunt Nan loves Reed so much she was willing to make his the bestest cake ever.

This was Reed's reaction. He loved it.

"Smile Reed", and this is what I get. Oh well.

And Reed got Thomas all to himself. S-P-O-I-L-E-D!!

Martin Family Campout 2009. This was my favorite shot. Check out those legs!

Reed and his favorite, Uncle Brian. Reed loved going out hiking and Brian was the best to keep taking him exploring. (I actually got a nap!)

Camping. HOW ADORABLE! What do people with ugly kids take pictures of?

Best Buddies.

Helping Papa with the yard work.

Tom is Reed's new pal for setting mom up with this sweet computer. Reed is super excited for the aquarium screen saver and all the movies that got put on it just for him.

Reed's new favorite passtime is to wash dishes. This is just fine, except he usually throws all the clean drying dishes into the soaking dishes. Making extra work for mom. But I am hoping to exploit this new talent later on.

Reed still doesn't say much these days. But he sure knows how to communicate. I believe this is his way of saying, "Damn it mom, put away the stupid camer and leave me alone!"

New Perspective

This past Saturday, I attended a funeral for David King. He was an aquaintence at most. But the little contact I had with him led me to believe I knew him very well. His death shook me. It was overwhelming to think, "he is my age. He is my age and he was taken home."

The funeral was a simple, but beautiful service. His parents and close friends spoke of his life. It was a life spent with no regrets, no wasted moments, no fear --except the fear of not making the most of his time.

David was not supposed to live. The night he was born, his parents were told to prepare for the worst, that he would not make it through the night. With the skill of a surgeons hands, the technology of a pioneering surgery and the grace of God, he lived long beyond his expected time. Maybe that is why he lived the way he did. He was ravenous for information and had a knack for recalling facts he learned. He was implusive and fun. (Which explains how he became introduced to me, when he ran off to Vegas to marry my dear friend Sara.) In this short, sweet service, I was reminded of a very important lesson. And that is simply, to live.

I think we get so busy with the routine, that we forget that all of our days are numbered. We forget that we need to make the most of our time. David had this special insight, knowing he was living on "borrowed time." It gave him a perspective I yearn for. It gave him a fearlessness, a love of the days he had and the desire to make the most of every second. I want this. In the short 4 months that I knew of David and the short 2 months that I spoke with him, I never met him, but I knew he was something special. I am glad for the few encounters and all that I learned from his life. My prayer is that I walk away from this short aquaintence with a renewed joy for life, with the desire to make the most of my time, with the courage to live without fear, to speak my beliefs loudly, to find all the treasures that life can give and to LIVE like David lived.

Thank you David. For the glimpse into a life well lived, for the reminder that I can live and make my life an inspiration to others. You will be missed! And I expect you to be waiting at my finish line, cheering me on. I expect a hug and a job well done because I will LIVE my life from this day forward.

David Michael King

November 29, 1977 to August 14, 2009

Too many tears to shed.

Its been a stressful past week or so.
I am waiting to hear from Reed's father about seeing Reed prior to his return to, (I cant think of a funny way of putting it, so Ill just throw it out there), prison. I keep waiting and waiting, but I hear nothing. Which usually isn't a good sign. Part of me will be relieved when its all said and done and I dont have to feel like I have to anticipate the unexpected from his father. But a much bigger part of me is just sad for how everything has turned out. I wanted him to rise to the challenge of parenthood. It breaks my heart that he hasn't been able to yet.
I have hit a major crossroads in life and cant see what to do next. I am frozen at a precipice wondering, "do I take the leap of faith?" or do I turn around and find a different path. I know things cant remain the way they are.
I have watch loved ones suffer more than anyone should. I want so much to take away their pains, but realize I have no immediate solution, no balm to ease their ache.
My heart seems to ache constantly as of late too. Not the ache of a failed romance or the ache of damages done by another, but a sore constant ache for something I cannot define. I am weary.
Everything makes me cry. Veggie tales made me cry. I cried while cleaning the kitchen. I cried when the birthday cake I made for my sister didn't harden soon enough. I cried for a new friend that I will not continue to get to know because he has since been called home. I cried for my dear Sara who is a widow for the second time this year. I cried because I feel so guilty for crying over my problems that are trivial in comparison. I cried with frustration that I feel so stuck and agitated with current circumstances. I cried because Im afraid to change said circumstances because I might make another mistake. I cried because I couldnt even get a small car loan because of my credit. How humiliating, how sad to be too risky. I cant blame them, but I cried anyway.
While the tears are shed and dried and my game face is back on, there are more waiting in the wing. I can feel them building.

Long work week

I got too much time on my hands. Thats all there is to it.

WALL-E --- Well Worth another Watch

For all of you who were a little put off by WALL-E and the blatant global warming/Al Gore/ anti consumerism/anti capitalism propaganda, here's a reason to give it another chance.

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WALL-E and I have become fast friends as that is Reed's new favorite movie. I am glad for the break from Thomas the Tank Engine and his other (very obnoxious) train movies. The songs from them are still stuck in my head.... So I appreciate the songs from Helly Dolly replacing them. But I digress.

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After watching WALL-E for the billionth time, maybe I have been indoctrinated enough to find merit in its message. Here is my attempt to sway you.

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Lately the subjects of survival, self reliance, preparedness and such have been nagging at me. I recently prepared my (and Reed's) 72 hour kit. (And one of these days I'll get to that post.) Before you ask, "What in the world does WALL-E have to do with this?" let me explain.

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For a long time, we as a society have been acting very similar to those people on the Axiom. Everything was handed to them. Everything was automated. They need not lift a finger or get up from their shuttle seats. They had no concept of the world surrounding them because they were too busy looking at the computer screen continuously in front of them. Because they didn't need to do anything for themselves, they became unable to do anything for themselves.

While the Axiom is a gross exaggeration of what can happen, we can see this slow decline in ourselves if we take a moment to look.

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--- How many of us rely on the drive thru to provide dinner?

--- How many of us rely on the Safeway bakery to provide bread?

--- How many of us rely on the ATM machine to pop out cash 24 hours a day?

--- How many of us rely on the Credit Card to make up for a negative bank account?

--- How many of us rely on the Mobil station to have gas at a moments notice?

--- How many of us rely on the 24 hour Walmart to have any basics we need all the time?

--- How many of us rely on our car for short trips to close by destinations?

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Ok, ok, you get it... And yes, I am as guilty as the next person. And its ok that you answered yes

to all of the questions. BUT and this is a big BUT... DO YOU HAVE A BACK UP PLAN?

More importantly, do you have the skill set required to survive should all of the above disappear?

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I'm not getting all doomsday on you, but this something that prophets, government leaders, and others have warned us about.

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One of the most emphasized problems with this (our) society in WALL-E is the effect our "have it now, have it easy, no work involved" society has on us physically. All the people on the Axiom are severly overweight and unable to perform simple actions for themselves (including walking.)

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Now we all know that I am not the poster child for successful weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight. This is another one of those things that have been nagging at me lately. More for Reed than any other reason. But if you need a little motivation or a new perspective to give you a push in the "healthier lifestyle" direction, read what a fellow blogger had to say.

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Maintaining a higher level of Physical Fitness will increase your ability to survive the worst possible conditions. Unfortunately, many Americans are overweight and almost never engage in physical activity. When the balloon goes up and SHTF (shit hits the fan), your body may be the biggest asset you have during the crunch. Vehicles brake down and run out of gas but a well tuned fighting machine that is properly hydrated, nourished, and trained to endure the extremes will never fail you.... (survivetheworst.blogspot.com)

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When things get tough (and I do mean when, not if) we will all be better off if we are starting from a good place physically, temporally, spiritually, mentally. This is the time to prepare. This is the time to start placing emergency plans. This is the time to begin increasing your skill set. This is the time to start paying attention to what is going on locally and federally. Soon, tomorrow will be too late. Now I'm not saying that you need to live on a farm and grow all you eat and never participate in the perks of urban living. Im just reminding you (and me) to keep it in proper perspective and not live completely reliant on it.