Thursday, July 31, 2008

Vacation time... not in the hospital.

So I am counting down the hours, minutes, seconds til its vacation time. This is the first vacation I have been able to take in a very long while. All my vacation time for the last two years has been spent in the hospital. Literally. So I am looking forward to a whole week jam packed full of fun and a break from anything that has to do with work.

I leave early Saturday morning for a QiGong seminar. Its a continuing ed class so I can keep up my massage license... that I am currently not really using, but Im not quite ready to give it up. After four days of WOO WOO medicine, Im off to our family campout for the rest of the week. I know I am going to be exhausted when all is said and done, but am I ever not exhausted?

Ill have to let yall know if this whole Qigong this is a bunch of BS or if there is something to it. It will be interesting thats for sure. Maybe Ill learn something that can cure all the horrible after effects of the traumatic gall bladder removal. Speaking of which, I have been searching and searching for info/help for post op health problems due to gall bladder removal. If you know anything or know of anyone that does, LET ME KNOW. Im dying and totally frustrated with the outcome.

Well, wish me luck. Both to survive the 4 days without Reed and to survive camping with him. I will of course let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Reed Turns One

I haven't had a chance to get this posted yet. I promise I will get the pictures up just as soon as I can.
Reed is one. Wow, where did the year go. My mom nailed it when she said the time flew by until you start breaking down the different milestones and all of the chaos of the past year. (And it has been a jam packed year.)
I spent the day before Reed's birthday, going through my day step by step. Last year at this time is when I went into the hospital, this is when my water broke, this is when I gave up and got an epidural... etc. What a flood of memories that brought.
Reed had a fabulous birthday. He spent the evening with family. Aunt Jordan helped him blow out his candle, but he needed no help in eating his share of the cake. After his sugar binge, he took a moment to show off all his tricks. He stood up unassisted for a very long time and he took a few steps. (He would rather crawl than walk, even though he can.) And then he discovered presents. It didn't take him long to catch onto the routine. He was more than spoiled by all that attended. And by the time we were done the family room was covered in paper and boxes and toys.
I just wanted to take a moment and say thanks to everyone for all the love, support and help. WE SURVIVED YEAR ONE!!! I wouldn't have made with all the troops rallying behind me. Here's to the years to come.

I promise the pictures are coming soon.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Memories.... Like the corner of my mind.

Sorry it took me so long to get this up Jenn...

Ive been meaning to add this tag, but just now remembered to add it on. So everyone, I want to pick your brain.

As a comment on my blog, leave me a memory that you and I have together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or lot, anything you remember.

If you wanna continue you the fun, repost the instructions on your blog and see how many leave a memory about you. If you leave a memory I will assume you are playing and Ill come leave a memory on your blog. If you dont wanna play or dont have a blog, Ill leave a memory of you in my comments.

Have fun... I know I have. Its amazing the little things you remember when you start thinking about it.
If I go too long without comments, I may cry...


So I meant to actually write this on Friday, but I got busy. But this whole turning thirty thing has been nagging at me for a while. Im not having a meltdown or anything. I had that when I turned 26. (The older 20s...) But I have realized that as you age you start to look at things differently. For Reed I looked at everything in months... Months along in the pregnancy, months old, etc. Im sure this will continue until about 2. But I realized as I was looking back at my "youth", that I have started looking back at decades. OUCH.

I remember when Shane was just 30 that Tim McGraw song "Next Thirty Years" was a current song. It kinda became a theme for what was then to be our bright future together. And while things did not turn out as we had planned, I hope he is following his other plans for the next 30. And here I am looking back at my 20's, seeing all that has happened and I am happy to leave them behind and start my next 30 years. And I cant get that song out of my head. Ill have to find that CD again.

James and I went to our parenting class for our child support case last Saturday. I guess its unheard of to actually attend the same class. (The teacher almost didn't let him stay and at first he asked us to sit on opposite sides of the classroom. Laughable to us both. I tried to explain the situation, but he was very hesitant and kept a very close watch on us throughout the 4 hours. Needless to say everyone thought we were crazy because we were in there laughing and acting all friendly the whole time.) Anyway, for the most part it was torture and really didn't apply very much considering we weren't divorcing and Reed wasn't going through an "adjustment" because his split family is all he has ever known. But I was able to catch a few tidbits that were helpful and a few things got me thinking. We were discussing the grieving process and the different step of grief. Ultimately, the teacher said we go through all the steps, not always in order, but we get through them.. whether we like it or not. We had to go through them, but we did have a choice of how we went through them. He said that grief was always accompanied by change. During this transition phase, it was up to us to decide what kind of change to make, be it negative or positive. He also said that we could use this as an opportunity to make several changes. So here I am, already reflective on my past because of my birthday the day before, and he just reinforced to me that all those little resolutions and changes I wanted to make can really happen and now is the perfect time as I am already in that frame of mind and out of my comfort zone.
So all those promises about taking better care of myself, getting all my legal matters finalized, etc etc. that have been nagging at me and battling for my attention have now become a high priorty matter. So wish me luck and check in now and again to make sure I haven't just brushed them aside like all my new years resolutions that die so quickly.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Brusha brusha brusha

With all of his teeth I had to figure out a way to make sure they got clean. This was my solution. Reed loves Sponge Bob. He also really likes his new toothbrush. Problem solved.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


So I have been told I am too negative and that I say too much. And so I have been mulling over just how to respond... My initial reaction is, "if you don't like it, don't read it!" To be fair this did start out as a means of getting pics of Reed out to the far reaches easily. In writing as time passed, it morphed into something else. And while I guess I have a false sense of anonymity, I know those that really know me, love me despite the "dirty laundry".

So what comes next? I almost shut this thing down altogether. But I knew I would start up another one, posting much the same. So after much thinking through, this is my solution.

Instead of starting from scratch and limiting my audience, I will remain at this address. If this is not info you want or need to know, feel free to stop reading. I will provide updated Reed pics as frequent as it is requested through my email.

In addition, I will clear up a matter of some controversy. And that is the portent of information about Reeds dad. From the beginning, I said I didn't care what all the adults in Reed's life thought of each other, as long as he didn't know. We could all hate each other for all I care. Just dont tell him that. So this blog is gray in that it has come to my attention that it colors James in what I have been told is an unfair way and at some point (in the far future, in some odd chance of the fates...not really sure how) Reed may get access to this. If this is the case, Reed and I will have a long talk at that point. As far as my perspective on James, let me go on the record of saying: James is doing fabulously. He has made several leaps and strides in the past year. I am proud of how far he has come and I gain more and more trust in him as a father and person in general as I watch the changes he is making. In addition, I recognize how much he as overcome up to this point and I am amazed at that progress in such short time. I, being human, need more time and more of the same positive behavior before I can truly say I can put my full faith in him. But I do not doubt he can do it , if he wants to.

So to recap... I will state again that this blog has become something different than what it began. You can choose to lose the web address and never visit again. You can peek in now and again and just look at the pics. What ever you chose I ask that you accept my decision to continue to blog and I will try to be more "fair" in my writing and more "discriminating" in my subjects. But this is me, guys. And what I have gained from my putting my thoughts and feeling and the support and love I have felt from those who choose to respond is more helpful than anyone can imagine.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Help me, Im LOST

Ok, so it all started on the 4th of July. My sister brought over the first 3 season of Lost for my dad. (He is always looking for somthing that is entertaining, slightly mindnumbing and that helps him relax.... He's still a work a holic. So it takes something special to get him to sit down and not be accomplishing something.)
Anyway, They started watching LOST. I had to put Reed to sleep so I missed the beginning. (The whole reason why I didn't start watching it when it was on TV was cause I missed the beginning and its not something you can just "jump" into) So every evening possible since, you could stop by or call in the evening and hear the wierd opening "song" or tone really --the sound of someone running a mallet across the gong instead of just banging it. (I was in percussion....) or you might hear "Bad Robot" from either the program or my little sisters going around mimic ing it. Either way, my family is now LOST to LOST.
Well, in all my running in and out of the house, I kept getting drawn into the plot, even as I dont have a clue whats going on. I guess you could say, I was totally LOST... LOL. So I finally grabbed the first season (they are now halfway through the second) and started watching it last night. BAD IDEA. I dont know what time I finally went to bed. I kept saying one more, one more. I have to know whats going to happen next. I don't know what people did when they had to wait a whole week between them.

So here is my philosophical question for the day....

Is it called LOST because the people are all lost on the island? Is it called LOST because you as a viewer are lost most of the time? Or is it called LOST because of all the time you have LOST watching the stupid show!!!!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Big Sigh...

Too much stress makes one crazy Emily. But I am now calming and happy for answered prayers. Now we just have a few million more to go and I might be able to get through a sick weekend without worrying about what if. And I may still wonder then. Oh well. But I am feeling much better! Thanks for all the love and support. Its hard to think that anyone even cares when so much of the stress of my current situation was brought on by my own stupidity. Mom Christensen-- you are the best. I keep saying I need to find a time to come visit AK again. Maybe next time I have a reserve of vacation time that isn't used up in the hospital!!

Actually, I have a whole week saved up so I get a real vacation this year -- not spent in the hospital!!!) I have some CEUs to get for my massage license, so I am spending a few days in Tucson and then I will spend the rest of the week camping with the family. Reed on his first campout . What am I thinking? Oh well, it will be an adventure. And if I know Reed he will spend the whole time attached to Aunt Nan.

Anyway, just wanted to let y'all know that things are feeling much better round here and while this silly blog has become more of an outlet for all of my frustrations, I really am ok and not a total Negative Nancy all the time.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Independence Day

So with all the whirlwinds of life, Independence Day seems to take on a whole new meaning. For so many reasons I see what a blessing independence is. I guess its one of those things that you take for granted for so long, that it is only when you feel the effects of bondage that you begin to really see and appreciate what freedom really means.
Of course I am looking at independence as an abstract concept as opposed to the traditional Independence in a political sense. Either way, the 4th of July has taken on a whole new meaning.
The bands of debt and consequences of recent actions have provided a lesson of the harsh reality of what a lack of freedom means. Tough lessons, but as hard as the past few years have been, it has definately been a chance to learn to appreciate and realize my own responsibility in protecting my freedoms.
I find it interesting that just a few years back my mission scripture was all about this very concept.
In Alma 10:6 Amulek is in the middle of telling his "story" (my personal BOM hero...the most underrated and undersung hero in my opinion) Its a story I related to as I came to the realization that I needed to serve a mission. Something I was dead set against.
"Nevertheless I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, Yet I would not know; therefore I went on rebelling against God, in the wickedness of my heart, even until the fourth day of the seventh month, which is in the tenth year of the reign of the judges."
For me it took several nudges from the spirit and finally an almost audible yell before I decided to follow what I knew for a long time. Serving a mission, then. FUNNY cause I still am struggling to learn this lesson. (I always thought I was a fast learner.... not so much.)
But you may not be seeing the connection between my scripture and my thoughts on independence. So let me elaborate. His rebellion ended on the fourth day of the seventh month. And while I am sure their calandar was a little different than ours, to me it is independence day. And how striking that the day he gave his life over to the Lord, and began to really hear and know those things he already knew, he had his own independence day. While it seems almost contradictory, I promise, it isn't. Trust me, a scholar in the school of hard knocks for the hard headed. Its not contradictory. I have seen, as I rebelled, how the chains of the devil wind tighter and tighter binding us with the consequences of sin, debt, and poor choices. All things that could be avoided by paralleling my will with God's will. And while I look at this, my mission scripture, I mourn for my folly. But it also gives me a reassurance that I need. It reminds me that the freedom is there for the taking. Yes, I will still and forever deal with some of the consequences of my rebellion, but I will come away with a new wisdom and perspective and I know as I stop my rebellion I will be able to have my own independence day.

When we were singing the Star Spangled Banner at church yesterday some of the words really hit me. (you know, like being hit so hard it takes your breath away.)

In one of the less sung verses it says:
O thus be it ever when free men shall stand Between their loved homes and the war's desolation Blest with victory and peace, may the heaven rescued land Praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Im not exactly sure why it hit me so, I get teary just typing it out now. But I have felt and seen the war's desolation in figurative but very real way. And I pray that I will remember to praise the power that has rescued me, over and over and over again as I stumble, and that has made and preserved me.

Just another grouch session....

So James didnt take Reed this weekend. He has been sick. But this happens more frequently than ever and so I start to wonder. Is he sick? This was his classic excuse when he was using. So now I am sick, my stomach churning, all kinds of doubts invading my peace of mind. Is he using? God, no please no. So I finally get the nerve to ask him for a piss test. And I got a refusal and the retort "will I have to take a test every time I get sick." For now I guess the answer is yes. I dont understand why he cant see why I need the reassurance. And I was given the promise that I could request one whenever I needed it. A refusal might as well be a confession. My stomach still churns. Do I go to his work to get one? He knows Im suspiscious. If I wait too long it wont show. Meth only shows up in the system for 3 days.
For now I just let him know that until I saw a clean result, he wouldn't be able to see Reed. I think more than anything Im heartbroken. I want him to be clean. For Reed, for me, for himself. Mostly because I love the clean him. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. When he is clean James, he is amazing. But I cant risk myself, Reed, our futures on the hopes that the clean James will stay for long. And I am deathly afraid of Meth James. I know his powers and I hate him.
James knows this is his last chance. If he shows up positive ever again, he will never see Reed again. I will make sure of it. So why risk it? I cant imagine he ever would. So the thought of having to test him seems ubsurd. BUT I KNOW I NEED TO. I just pray its negative.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


Just a quick FYI, for those who read the last blog I left it hanging, not finished and when I read it again today I realized it ended on such a downer note, more than I thought I was doing. So if you need to finish it do so.

On a much cuter note, REED!!! Margie, Nan and I went out last weekend for a much needed girls night. After a quick dinner we stopped at Burlington Coat Factory to see what they had and I found a cute shirt. Both Reed and Abram were tired but we figured we still had enough energy to go back to Nans and find something else to do. When we arrived, we found Reed as seen above. The poor thing pulled my new shirt out of the bag and laid it over his lap for a blanket and went to sleep. It was so pitiful but so adorable. Its funny how quickly he can go from being a total demon to the most charming nymph. I suppose Ill keep him.... :)

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Welcome to What If Wonderland....

So before I start spouting out the most horrible realities of the inner workings of my brain, I must, must preface it with this. I love my son. More than I thought was possible. My days, my nights, my downtime (is there any anymore) all revolve around him. With that said I will continue.

So for some reason my head has been spinning with the what ifs of my life. I think I am looking back on the wasted time since I graduated high school. Scratch that, since I got my AA and AGS. I suppose you could even give myself a little credit for my mission. So I am looking back on the wasted time since I returned from Montana.

I have to admit the things that happened right when I got home seemed to start me on some crazy roller coaster or some other barf inducing ride. But whatever the catalyst, the effect has been the same. I lost about 6 or 7 (has it really been 7) years of my life. My mom counts it up to depression, too many years without medication or something of the sort and I suppose that has something to do with it. But now that I have no time of my own, I look back longingly at a few years back when I had all the time in the world and for some reason, let it waste away. I accomplished so very little. So now I live in what if land. What if I would have gone to ASU as planned after I got my AA/AGS? Would I have my Psyc. degree? Would I actually have a decent career? Why did I not continue with school? (Sure I have my Massage License, that I dont really use.... but what good has that been?)
Add to that my damaged heart.... What if I would have married Shane? Would we already be divorced like my dad predicted? Or did I let my hesitation push away "the one". Mind you, I dont really believe in "the one". Seems like a load of shit to me. But is that cause I dont wanna admit I let it go, or is it because I haven't found it yet. DUNNO...
All I know is I am living in a cesspool of what if that is killing me. I wouldn't trade Reed for anything, but I would love for the circumstances to be different.
And as I sit here putting together the final pieces of info for my bankruptcy, I think, damn it... I could be buying a house right now. This is the perfect time to buy. I need the room for Reed. But I cant buy because I let myself get dragged into a fog so that I couldn't see what was happening on any level of my life until I ended up 50 grand in debt for a man that never saw me as anything more that a meal/meth ticket. And it makes me wonder, Is that all I ever saw myself as? Was I in such a low spot in my life after Shane, that I ended up trying to buy (on credit) James' love.
This also makes me a skeptic for anything good that comes around. Maybe it was the guy my sister tried to hook me up with that just didn't take for me, and that a year later ended up going to prison for molesting his scout troop. Or maybe the other man nightmares have all just piled up on each other and I am left wondering if there are any decent men alive that arent total messes, that act like grown ups. (Anybody know any? Im taking resumes)

I just hope all of this is just because I am in major transition right now. In the middle of child support paperwork and bankruptcy paperwork. In the middle of a job I dont like and get paid very little for. (Im worth so much more... HA HA) Im in the middle of waiting for the storm to clear. Does it ever, really?? Nope, didn't think so. So WOO HOO, time to pull myself up by my proverbial boot straps and forge ahead. And work my ass off, work my ass of like theres no tomorrow to make sure the next 7 years aren't wasted too!!!