Thursday, December 24, 2009
Bell ringing Ok, I know its for a good cause and I keep quarters in my purse for anytime I run into them. But honestly!! The ringing, its killing me. When I finally get rich Im gonna walk up to them with a big bill and say, Ill pay you $1oo to stop just until I leave this store...
Celebrity "save the world" Christmas songs Put your money where your mouth is. Stop singing your stupid songs. Just go do something to help and please don't tell me about it. But stop making me feel bad for enjoying my Christmas celebrations which are way less elaborate then some dumb celebrity's.
Las Vegas Lights Christmas lights should be tasteful. If I get an adrenaline rush from the thought of hitting the jackpot when I drop off your Christmas goodies, you should probably tone it down a bit. Nor should your lights inspire me to start singing Dave Matthews "Ants Marching".
The Christmas Shoes Song This kinda follows along the same line as the Celebrity Christmas song complaint. While this is a sweet little Christmas short story, this makes a mushy super sap song. Keep it in print. The song is way too much. And again, I dont wanna feel bad during Christmas.
The Happy Holiday Feud Im gonna say Merry Christmas cause its Christmas. I dont care what you are celebrating. Just cause you choose not to celebrate doesn't mean Im gonna hide the fact that I do. If you get offended cause you wanna celebrate Hannaukah or Quanza or whatever and not Christmas, Im sorry. If you were to say Happy Quanza to me, I might look at ya funny as I am the whitest girl I know, but I wouldn't get offended. Get over it!
Manheim Steamroller I hate, hate, hate Manheim Steamroller. I hear the concerts are amazing. But I am sorry.... I am not inspired by its John Tesh meets the Disney Electric Light Parade feel. Its lame at minimum and beyond obnoxious in general. So to that all I can say is:
Manheim Steamroller Sucks A**
Monday, November 30, 2009
DAY OF FASTING AND PRAYER FOR AMERICA
We, my wife and I, are firmly convinced that our elected politicians are incapable of representing the will of the American people – and incapable of adhering to the Constitution of the United States of America which they took a solemn oath to uphold and defend.
We are among the millions of U.S. Citizens who are at our wits end sending e-mails, faxes, telephoning, meeting with elected officials, demonstrating, rallying – and hoping – that those representatives will do the will of the people. They have failed. Have we, as well?
The United States of America is a choice land, a nation that was founded by our forefathers who were divinely inspired by God the Father Almighty.
This choice nation has been the defender of freedom throughout its relatively short history. We have led in the fight for freedom against many tyrants and dictators who have plundered and pilfered their citizens and have subjected them to great sufferings through blood and horror.
The people of those nations who suffered these great injustices knew that they could always depend upon the goodness, power and righteousness of the United States of America to extract them from their plights, and it was done – many times over. It was not done without expense – the expense of the blood and sacrifice of the members of our armed forces – and the suffering of their families.
As the year 2009 soon comes to a close, we the citizens of the United States of America find ourselves facing many of the challenges – which those nations suffered at the hands of their political leaders. We are being attacked from within!
Who do we turn to? To which great nation can we turn to help us keep and maintain our freedom? We do not have the same hope of those nations to whom we were benefactors.
We MUST turn to our Savior. If we are a righteous people, we will be deserving of, and receive of His blessings as He has promised. He suffered and died for us – He atoned for our sins; each one of us - individually.
We know that - as a nation – we can once again be the choicest of lands. However, we cannot achieve that blessing without our willingness to please our Lord and Savior.
We are asking that all who read this message that have faith in Christ designate Sunday December 6, 2009 as a day of fasting and prayer for America .
You do not have to march on the nation’s Capitol nor go to a tea bag rally. From the comfort of your home, you can get on bended knee and with a broken heart and contrite spirit, petition the Lord to bless this nation generously according to His will. Then, keep the fast for that day. Make that Christ-like commitment to our Heavenly Father. He will listen, He will answer. That has been promised.
“And whatsoever he shall ask the father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you.” (3 Nephi 18-20) “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” (Matthew 21:22)
Joe and Janice Hagen St. George, UT.
Friday, November 27, 2009
The past few years have been more healthy (as I am not snotting myself or delirous from fever) but have been a struggle to find my thankful heart. This year was no exception. Faced with struggles and frustrations that seem insurmountable, I find myself stirring the feelings of a glass half empty. But I know there is so much to be grateful for. So here is my list of some of the things I am grateful for when I changed my perspective:
-- A son who loves me, even when I am a less than stellar mom. All my mess ups all my inadequacies melt away when he hugs me.
-- A son with a major stubborn streak. I know it makes my job harder now, but I am hoping that I can harness it and channel it and he will be "firm, steadfast and immovable" as this world spins out of control.
-- A minor health scare that reminds me that my time is limited and that I still have a lot to accomplish. The reminder that life is precious and that I need to not waste any second.
-- A home. Its not the most ideal of living situations, but I am sheltered, safe and secure. Small as it is, its full of love (and hotwheels and trains).
-- Family. They make me crazy (or at least they genetically predetermined my high chances of insanity), but I wouldn't trade them for the world. They are the reason I survive the whirlwind that seems to be my life.
-- A year of struggles that remind me that I dont have to do it all, that I dont have to do it all by myself and that both are ok. (Cause Im good enough, Im smart enough and dog-gone it, people like me! Ha ha... I swear thats what that sounded like....)
-- A job that pays the bills, a good looking resume (that will hopefully get me job I dont hate.. that pays the bills), and a desire to get more of an education and continue to better myself.
-- A sense of humor that helps me laugh when I want to cry, makes me appreciate the beauty of Will Ferrell movies and enables me to change song lyrics so I walk around like Im in my own little personalized musical. It also allows me to drive my ugly truck and not comletely fall apart from embarissment....
-- A truck, even if ugly, that gets me to work and teaches me humility.
-- Friends that always seem to know exactly when to call, text or show up, that always seem to know exactly what to say and more importantly what not to say. (THANK YOU!!!)
-- An understanding of the bigger picture. A knowledge that I am watched over by a loving God that wants the best for me, even if it includes the painful process of "becoming".
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone's burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?
There are chances for work all around just now,
Opportunities right in our way.
Do not let them pass by, saying, "sometime I'll try,"
But go and do something today.
'Tis noble of man to work and to give;
Love's labor has merit alone.
Only he who does something helps others to live.
To God each good work will be known.
Before you all stop reading and wonder when Im gonna get to my point... Ill get to it, I promise.
This was a common hymn choice growing up but I spent my whole childhood and into my early adulthood singing it WRONG! I know! How is it possible? The lyrics are right there typed out, but I sang it wrong every single time.
I did really good through the verses. But for some reason I got the Chorus and messed it all up. See the chorus reads:
Then wake up and do something more
Than dream of your mansion above.
Doing good is a pleasure,
A joy beyond measure,
A blessing of duty and love.
I know its pretty simple, but please say I am not alone in messing this one up. See I always sang it as:
Wake up and do something more.
THEN dream of your mansion above.
And while some of you are saying, "Umm, yeah, and...." Really if you think about it, its kinda a HUGE difference. (In fact read it both ways again, I was singing the exact opposite of the message the good Will Thompson was intending.... OOPS! My bad Will.)
Never once in this or any other hymn are we allowed any time to sit and think about how great it will be when its all said and done and we get to be in heaven... There is not time for that. There is so much we need to be doing. And honestly if a dream of our heavenly mansion is our only motivation, I think we still have lots to learn and have kinda missed the overarching point of it all. As reads in the second verse, "Love's labor has merit alone."
So next time you sing this in church, you all can laugh at how silly I was to be singing this song wrong for the majority of my life....
Friday, November 6, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
I have decided that the current set of challenges are God's current lesson plan to teach me how to be happy, no matter what. Bishop empathized with me and said that this is probably one of the toughest lessons to learn. I assured him that God was not scrimping on the lessons....
So I woke up today, exhaused, but happy for Friday. I had a renewed goal to be happy, to be grateful, to be content.
This was going well. And then the physical therapists started in on me at work, and have been relentless. Close to tears before I ever made it to lunchtime, I thought what a stupid day to choose to start being Pollyanna! Unfortunately, I dont think circumstances at work or in life in general will change anytime soon. So, in an attempt to help my attitude, I will work on my current "life theory".
The grass is always greener on the other side.
We hear this a lot. What I have only started to ponder on is:
How did "their" grass get so green?
- Rainy Days
- Manure (I promised mom I would not use naughty words for this one...)
- Lotsa yard work
If this is the case, Im gonna have an amazing lawn!!! And eventually people will being looking at my greener grass with envy. Cause contrary to the 2009 Almanac, there has been an abundance of rain lately. Add to that, a load of manure spread evenly throughout the year.
So now I just got some trimming and some yard work to do. (See Dad's lessons on the $5 yard.)
Friday, October 23, 2009
A few years back, while in NY for my sister's wedding reception, we took a quick little trip to visit his home town, Chittenango, NY. (ps I voted to take a trip to the city, but it never happened.... I was not happy.)
That should say it all... I should end this before I even begin. Cause honestly, the name fits the town. Its a tiny town that has only survived by clutching onto the fact that "the" Mr. Baum was was born there. Otherwise, it would be only what its name suggests. A rest-stop. To Sh** and then Go.... Anyway, this is all neither here nor there. It just helps to accent my disgust for Mr Frank Baum and his self importance.
The quote of the day read: I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.
PALEEZE: Who the L. Frank Baum do you think you are? Give me a break.
Now I could go on and on about the power of one and give many quotes that conclude that Mr Baum is full of what tourists leave behind in their visit to his hometown.
So in response to Mr Baum's opinion on the common man, all I have to say is: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The good news is that the bad news is not health related. Although I have developed a head cold and the bad news may eventually effect my health....
But No, nothing so severe as that. As I mentioned before, at any other time in my life this wouldn't even be a blip on my radar. I woulda bitched about it for a day and then moved on. But not so. Its funny how all of the sudden things change when ya got a kid in tow. All the sudden you jump to how things effect them. Sure, at most its an inconvenience for me, but for Reed... its a complete change in routine. Which for a two year old is no small thing.... As some of you may know.
Anyway, work gave me a kind of ultimatum. I could move to the Central Phoenix office or I could get laidoff. When I asked for some kind of monetary compensation. They said no, I was just lucky to have a job.... ASSES!!!
So instead of the posh set up I had working 2 miles from home, working 4 days a week, working with people I like.... I now have a 45 minute commute (on a good day.... 25 miles from home), I work 5 days a week, with another front office girl that seems to be quite unhappy that I am here. (add to that the financial aspect.... another day of daycare to pay for and a whole lot more gas to pay for. And with the disappearance of child support, Im feeling a bit pinched.... More like sunk....)
So if you have recieved an email regarding my current job hunt. YEAH!!! Please keep an eye out. If you haven't, its probably cause you dont live in AZ. But if you have any out of state prospects worth looking into feel free to send them on. I would probably consider it at this point.
So to sum up. No, Im not dying. Im just really good at finding new things to bitch about.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
You maintain a sense of balance in the midst of great success.
I dont quite know what to make of it. At first I found it funny cause you know I am sooooo very successful. Then I realized maybe its not my success that I am in the midst of. Kinda like being the middle child. Studies show that middle children are the most well adjusted adults basically because they get ignored. (Ok, ok that isn't really the reason. ) Maybe I should say they are a bit overshadowed by the precedence of the oldest and the rotten monster shenanigans (that are considered cute, BTW) of the youngest.
But I dont have issues....HAHAHA.
So then I decided to list my great successes that I gracefully float through with a sense of balance. But after a couple I decided it was way too sarcastic and self depreciating... even for me.
So then I decided to brainstorm who else may be providing the surrounding great success that I manage to be surrounded by..... But I realize I surround myself with crazy more than anything else... So I scrapped that.
So.... I finally just decided to read said Fortune cookies thus:
You will maintain a sense of balance in the midst of your great success.
Dont worry, I wont forget all the "Little People" that helped make me who I am. HAHAHAHA
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The "funk" that I was experiencing a few weeks back has never really subsided. I am struggling against my natural tendency to become "bitter party of one". Now I know we all have our seasons, I know we all have our struggles. I get it. But guess what. There are only a few of you who get to go through those trials with no help meet. There are only a few of you who know what its like to not have a "soft place to fall." There are only a few of you who really get what its like to be celibate. (Especially after a season of not). So before anyone quickly responds with sweet condolences, dont. Cause honestly. It would test our friendship. I would get ugly, really ugly. Im just venting and taking the long way round to get to my point.
And to be quite honest, the point is more a reminder for me. Readers are just along for the ride. You may read and be sympathetic... BUT DO NOT TELL ME AS MUCH!!!! If I have one more pitiful look, I will scream. And again it will not be pretty. (But again, I digress....)
So while listening to the IPod, the waterworks turned on and I had a bitter, but healing cry. I think that sometimes music is the only way I survive and keep hope up when everything tells me there is no reason to hope or to try or to even bother. Since hearing the hymn, it has been constantly running through my head. Probably saving me from doing something really, really stupid.
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through clouds and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
If there was ever anyone watching the darkness deepen, if there was ever anyone feeling completely helpless and without comfort, it is me....
I see glimpses of comfort, but no long term answers to my pleas for help. So I will just keep singing my hymns and having a good cry now and again.
-- What seems mundane and trivial is the very stuff that discovery is made of. Edward Lindaman
-- Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly
--Never hope more than you work. Rita Mae Brown
The last is now vinyl on my wall. But in order to be more "positive" its reads: Work as hard as you wish. I like it. (Although I think some days I tend to read and say, "I do not wish to work today....") But it got me motivated enough to open up my files and read the little I have already written. Now I just gotta commit to getting more down. Thanks to Amy for continuing to kindly remind me that I need to get to work.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I know I said I would wait a while, but I couldn't help myself. If you like Jane Austen, let me introduce you to my new friend, Elizabeth Gaskell. She is a contemporary or I suppose you could call her the next generation in English lit. And I have fallen in love with her writing. (And also with the BBC adaptations of her writing.)
"Margaret, do not dispise me; I have a heart, not withstanding all this good-for-nothing way of talking. As a proof of it, I believe I love you more than ever- if I do not hate you- for the distain with which you have listened to me this half hour. " North and South, Elizabeth Gaskell.
I think I am so infatuated with these authors because not only can they write a great man speech, they also write amazing man speech rebuttles, AKA: the refusal. Maybe next post Ill enter a few of the refusals. They crack you up. And when you aren't laughing at them, you are screaming back at them for being so stupid for refusing the diamonds in the rough.
I have now just realized I live too much in fantasy.... I need a real life.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
But in an attempt to rekindle my hope and to "get my fix" so to speak, I will now share with you a favorite "man speech" and we can pretend together that it is directed at me. (Sigh)
"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant." Jane Austen - Persuasion
For those of you not familiar with Persuasion. It is my favorite of all the Jane Austen stories. Go find the 1996 (I think) Cyrian Hinds version. And have a good cry for/with me. Cause maybe just maybe, even though all you smug marrieds are not suffering from the plague of being single, you may just be needing a romance fix as much as I do.
FYI: I enjoyed this so much, I may just have to have a "man speech" periodically.
Next time, I think I will pull it from North and South (Elizabeth Gaskell) or Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen). There are tons to choose from....
Friday, September 25, 2009
Mom found me a book called "So You Want to Raise a Boy" by Cleon Skousen. I found this humorous. And tried not to get my feelings hurt thinking my mom was commenting on my parenting skills or lack there of.
After some not so proud parenting moments in my short but full career.... I have decided that I too should write a parenting book. Mine will be a straightforward, honest look at the beauty of parenting. Here is my brainstorming for titles. These may also just end up being chapter titles.
1. So you want to beat your child.....
2. When your childs first name is Dammit
3. The flusher, the flooder, and the flatulent. Boys in bathrooms
4. Oh my gosh, is that poop? And other things you never thought you would be saying...
5. Watching for split pea soup... (aka: no, your child isn't possessed.)
6. Nobody told me your real name was Damien...
7. Sanity is not an option.
8. When all else fails, lock them up. (this one is dedicated to Amy...)
9. Gifted and obnoxious aren't the same thing. (a book for stage moms....)
10. Oh Shit, I am turning into my mother... (This is dead on perfect for me.... cause boy is it happening!)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
Cat: You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.
(Alice in Wonderland)
I have way too many moments in my life where I realize that I am Alice, surrounding myself with insanity and then wondering why I am the only sane person in the room and then wondering why everyone else thinks I am crazy.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I have had a pretty low past couple weeks. Im not sure why. No big stress, just the constant push to make it through the day. I was glad to find this quote.
Too often of late, I have to be reminded that God is not asleep at the helm. Too often as of late, I have needed reassurance. But I bump along in the storm, white knuckled and continually cry out, "Carest thou not that we perish?" or in modern Emily terms, "Can't you see me? Im breaking down. I cant do it anymore." And in the moments that I am willing to listen, I can hear so very quietly..." The wind and the waves shall obey my will, Peace be still."
And then I have to take a deep breath, and continue to push forward.
Monday, September 14, 2009
As a part of the program, the congregation sang the third verse of How Firm A Foundation. (For those of you who didn't know...) This is one of my favorite hymns. It was one of those that got me through tough times in Montana. I remember sitting through meetings sobbing as we sang it. So it holds a ton of memories and emotions in it. Anyway, the third verse:
Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.
I strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.
So the use of the word "Still" really stuck out to me. I never really noticed it before. But its a comfort to me now. See, sometimes we think we have made too many mistakes or we just aren't worthy for God's help. But God will never turn his back on us. No matter what, He will still give us aid. We are never so far gone that we cannot be redeemed. That is the beauty of the gospel.
I can even hear the conversation in my head...
Me: Umm. Are you there?
God: Yes, Emily, How are you today?
Me: Much the same. I'm just checking in.
God: Well, I am here.
Me: I know. Sometimes I forget.
God: Oh, dont I know it!
Me: Ha ha. Thats funny. You know everything.
God: Well, Im here when you remember again. And Ill probably find ways to help you remember if you do forget.
Me: Like last time?
God: Yeah. Like last time. And the time before. And before that.
Me: Yeah. Im pretty predictable, huh.
God: Yeah. But I know everything anyway, remember.
Me: Yes. You got me again. You really do have a great sense of humor.
God: I do. But dont ever think that I dont take you and your life seriously. Ill always be here.
Me: Even if.....?
God: Even if..... But how bout you just take my word for it and not try it.
Me: Ok. Sounds good. But what if.....
God: Yes. Even then.
God: Even then.
Me: But what about.....
God: You silly child. Aren't you catching on yet? Even then.
Me: Oh. OK. Can you hear me now? HAHA Im kidding.
God: I know. (sigh)
(See I know that I make God sigh a lot... this is a common occurance.)
Me: Ok. Well. Ill probably ask again tomorrow. So be ready.
God: I'll be here waiting. Have a blessed day.
Me: Isn't that kinda up to you?
God: No, Emily, That's kinda up to you.... (chuckle, sigh)
Me: Ok thanks.
See you may laugh. But thats probably the most realistic example of my prayers. People think Im crazy watching me talking (to what seems to be myself, but isn't) as I drive down the road and stuff. But you get the idea. STILL?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
--Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC)
Funny that this is the quote for the day as I watch Reed's dad return to prison this week. There is a part of me that sighs with relief. There is a part of me that is saddened that he has not yet recognized that he is better than the life he chooses to lead. My hope is that he will eventually learn the lessons he needs to, so that he can become a man one would judge as blessed. I find comfort in this. Not only for Reed's fathers sake, but for my own.
My life too has had major valleys, major low point, times that I look back at with shame. But I can also look back at those times and use them as a baseline to see how far I have come. And it gives me an opportunity to recognize how far I still have to go so that my own life can be called blessed.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Birthday celebrations with Daddy at Chuckie Cheese's. Who knew there were celebrities there!
Reed still doesn't say much these days. But he sure knows how to communicate. I believe this is his way of saying, "Damn it mom, put away the stupid camer and leave me alone!"
Monday, August 24, 2009
The funeral was a simple, but beautiful service. His parents and close friends spoke of his life. It was a life spent with no regrets, no wasted moments, no fear --except the fear of not making the most of his time.
David was not supposed to live. The night he was born, his parents were told to prepare for the worst, that he would not make it through the night. With the skill of a surgeons hands, the technology of a pioneering surgery and the grace of God, he lived long beyond his expected time. Maybe that is why he lived the way he did. He was ravenous for information and had a knack for recalling facts he learned. He was implusive and fun. (Which explains how he became introduced to me, when he ran off to Vegas to marry my dear friend Sara.) In this short, sweet service, I was reminded of a very important lesson. And that is simply, to live.
I think we get so busy with the routine, that we forget that all of our days are numbered. We forget that we need to make the most of our time. David had this special insight, knowing he was living on "borrowed time." It gave him a perspective I yearn for. It gave him a fearlessness, a love of the days he had and the desire to make the most of every second. I want this. In the short 4 months that I knew of David and the short 2 months that I spoke with him, I never met him, but I knew he was something special. I am glad for the few encounters and all that I learned from his life. My prayer is that I walk away from this short aquaintence with a renewed joy for life, with the desire to make the most of my time, with the courage to live without fear, to speak my beliefs loudly, to find all the treasures that life can give and to LIVE like David lived.
Thank you David. For the glimpse into a life well lived, for the reminder that I can live and make my life an inspiration to others. You will be missed! And I expect you to be waiting at my finish line, cheering me on. I expect a hug and a job well done because I will LIVE my life from this day forward.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I am waiting to hear from Reed's father about seeing Reed prior to his return to, (I cant think of a funny way of putting it, so Ill just throw it out there), prison. I keep waiting and waiting, but I hear nothing. Which usually isn't a good sign. Part of me will be relieved when its all said and done and I dont have to feel like I have to anticipate the unexpected from his father. But a much bigger part of me is just sad for how everything has turned out. I wanted him to rise to the challenge of parenthood. It breaks my heart that he hasn't been able to yet.
I have hit a major crossroads in life and cant see what to do next. I am frozen at a precipice wondering, "do I take the leap of faith?" or do I turn around and find a different path. I know things cant remain the way they are.
I have watch loved ones suffer more than anyone should. I want so much to take away their pains, but realize I have no immediate solution, no balm to ease their ache.
My heart seems to ache constantly as of late too. Not the ache of a failed romance or the ache of damages done by another, but a sore constant ache for something I cannot define. I am weary.
Everything makes me cry. Veggie tales made me cry. I cried while cleaning the kitchen. I cried when the birthday cake I made for my sister didn't harden soon enough. I cried for a new friend that I will not continue to get to know because he has since been called home. I cried for my dear Sara who is a widow for the second time this year. I cried because I feel so guilty for crying over my problems that are trivial in comparison. I cried with frustration that I feel so stuck and agitated with current circumstances. I cried because Im afraid to change said circumstances because I might make another mistake. I cried because I couldnt even get a small car loan because of my credit. How humiliating, how sad to be too risky. I cant blame them, but I cried anyway.
While the tears are shed and dried and my game face is back on, there are more waiting in the wing. I can feel them building.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
One realizes that human relationships are the tragic necessity of human life, that they can never be wholly satisfactory, that every ego is half the time greedily seeing them, and half the time pulling away from them.
Now my friend Willa was quite an interesting character. What she writes (both in her books and the random quotes from her I have read) reveals a lot about her. And many presume that she preferred to "taste the rainbow" so to speak. But as much as this quote is crazy revealing and seems on the bitter side of life, the more I read it, the more I tend to agree.
Relationships in all forms seem to be an awkward kind of dance to reach a comfortable middle ground from both participants. Add to that, each individual is constantly evolving, making the definition of what exactly is the middle ground just as fuzzy. I have seen the tug and pull that she refers to. I have been the seeker and I have been the one pulling away, as we all have at some point. No real lesson or overarching sum up. Just one of those human nature things that makes one laugh cause we are all so silly. Does that make it them a "tragic" necessity? I dont think so. It sure keeps life interesting.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
You are called to represent the Savior. Your voice to testify becomes the same as His voice, your hands to lift the same as His hands. His work is to bless His Father's spirit children with the opportunity to choose eternal life. So, your calling is to bless lives. Your call has eternal consequences for others and for you. In the world to come, thousands may call your name blessed, even more than the people you serve here. They will be the ancestors and the decendants of those who chose eternal life because of something you said or did, or even what you were... You see, there are no small callings to represent the Lord.
---Henry B Eyring (who just happens to be my favorite)
So, today, instead of watching the clock tick ever so slowly on, I found myself reading through this quote. I read it often. But today, I kinda read it in opposite perspective. What about all those depending on my voice, my hands, my example.... when I choose NOT to speak, or choose NOT to help, or choose NOT to be a good example. In the world to come, thousands may call my name in disappointment, asking why I did nothing. They were counting on me and I chose wrong.
For a long time, my friend at Greenfield and Southern has been on my mind. I never knew his name but I would see him outside of Walgreen's or McDonalds frequently. If I was in the drive thru getting a breakfast burrito, I got two. He always said thanks, but I never took much time to talk to him (as I was always on my way to work or in a hurry) and now he is gone. I worried when I saw his things strewn about. I worried even more when I drove past and his things were completely gone. All I can think now is, What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to? Did I do enough? I thought maybe I should ask inside the local businesses to see if they knew where my friend went to... But part of me is afraid to ask. And then there is another part of me that thinks maybe just maybe if he is really gone, that is not a bad thing at all. But I am still afraid to ask... And there is still no sign of my friend.
For a long time and even still, I look at my time in Montana as a big waste or at least purely selfish. I feel like I gained a bunch ( not just weight, but life lessons) but I wasn't able to really feel successful in helping others... As I look at the list of baptisms and reactivations, none seemed to stay strong and quickly moved on to other philosophies. (Shoot even I kinda lost what I learned there for a while...) And while I felt such a strong prompting almost audible telling me, "You need to go now or it will be too late and then it wont really matter", there was and is no obvious reason for the specific time frame. I still dont know the reasons for all that happened in Montana. But it is another situation that I look back on and ask: What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to do? Did I do enough"
I guess this is a backwards call to action of sorts. For you and for me. I guess its time to really REPRESENT. But not just in name only. I have always been one that says that all the scripture reading, family night lessons, and prayers in the world are useless if you are not kind and look on your neighbors with a critical eye. In the end, love is the ultimate lesson. And love is a verb. And while, I highly doubt any would call my name blessed, I never want to be in the position to have people ask why I didn't speak, help or live my religion when I should have.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
I love this time of year. Yes it is hell fire hot. But we are at that time of summer where every evening the dark clouds build out east and south and we sit in anticipation, begging the clouds to break and give us a much needed respite from the heat. We know the storms at their worst can cause all kinds of damage, but there is something magical in the lightning and something so healing in the rain.
Lately, I have been feeling (and in talking to others I am not alone...) a similar yearning for a figurative storm to break. I can see dark clouds of life looming and can feel the "barometric pressure" closing in on me. I seem to drag myself: surviving the refining fire of the day, seeking but never finding a restful sleep, and waking exhausted to begin again. I think we are all yearning for the storm to break. We see the clouds of life hovering over us. How much worse will it get before we recieve the cooling drops of rain we long for?
The funny thing is: Its waiting for us. Unlike the rain that seems so fickle, so quick to disappoint, we have living water to rely on, to refresh us as the pressure builds. And it is there waiting for us to partake of it. All we gotta do is ask. So many times in my life, I have watched the storm clouds gather and waited and waited for the answers, for the healing to come. But I never thought to ask.
"....If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water." John 4:10
For all of us facing the storm, waiting for the cooling drops of rain to heal us... I think we are all aware that this is only the beginning of the long portent leading up to the return of our Savior. It will be difficult, so overwhelming. But we dont have to wait for his return to find respite and peace.... We just have to ask.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
At the end of the Thatcher program it is tradition that the fire trucks cool everyone off. Reed loved it. I tried to stay as far back as possible and still keep an eye on Reed. I still got wet anyway. This is when Reed finally realized he was cold and wet and needed a nap.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Stressed? Are those tiny little muscles between your shoulder blades crying out for attention? Just need to run away from life for just a little while? A day at the spa is just not reasonable...especially in this economy. What do you do? Well....
For a limited time, massage sessions are family rate for everyone! $40 a session. But wait, there's more.
As always, first time clients get 50% of their first visit.
$20 for a massage??? That's unheard of!!! But wait, there's more!
You may ask yourself, how can I "Lock in" that $20 massage rate??? Well, every time you refer a new client, you both get a half price massage!
Act now! And when you call ask about other treatment options.
- structural/deep tissue
- exfoliation scrubs ( a must for summertime)
- pariffin dips
- and more!
Have a relaxing day!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I dont know you, I was just looking at some blogs and someone mentioned that this blog belonged to a member of the LDS church. Life is tough for sure and ya your son deserves a mom he can look up to. I had a close friend that was a member of the church and he stressed how you guys like to be Christ-like... Not gonna life if you are purging to get revenge that sucks and maybe your son deserves better. Not to bash, I dont know you or your situation, but maybe you should adopt a journal or something, because more people are reading than you realize. Im sure you are a woman of God, this kid I know is married to one of those too. It helps to have that example from you women who enhance those Christ-like attributes in your church because you guys carry a lot of the few left out there. I dont mean to offend just something I noticed. Good luck with everything I hope God blesses you with happiness in spite of life.
Well, Im not gonna lie to you either..... while I get the jist of what you are saying, you are all over the place. So I will attempt to make sense of the comment and address some of your concerns. Please understand, I am sincere in what I say, but I do have a sense of humor and cant help being surprised and humored by some remarks.
IF I understand correctly:
1. You believe I am motivated by revenge
2. You believe I am a bad example of what an LDS woman should be.
3. You believe my son deserves better.
4. You believe there are many more reading my blog than I realize and I should chose a different venue.
1. You believe I am motivated by revenge. I often write when frustrated, but I believe there is a vast difference between the two. I know that my thoughts and feelings are very raw and unfiltered. I do not believe in sugar coating my posts. There would be no point for me or my readers. Those who know me, recognize and appreciate my candor. Im sure my sentiments at times may seem coarse and far too revealing for the general public. (But realize there is much detail not revealed.) And this is my outlet. I can tell that you are young and hold very firm to strong ideals. I can appreciate that. But just because you hold high ideals doesn't mean others will live up to them. In fact, you will spend your life miserable because NO ONE WILL be able to.... INCLUDING YOURSELF. Perfection is just not practical, nor is it (I believe) part of the plan God has for us. (At least not during our time here on earth.... I will address this more in #2) Not all things in life are pretty. I dont believe in sweeping them under the carpet. They will still be there.... If we dont recognize our struggles we do not have nearly as much appreciation for life's beauty. And make no mistake, I love life. I am happy and I dont look for happiness "in spite of life" but celebrate it in full, both good and bad, because I try to learn what I can from ALL of life's experiences. An occasional purge or vent doesn't make me vindictive. It makes me human, with all the failings that go with it.
2. You believe I am a bad example for non- LDS Christians of what a good Mormon should be. My friends span the whole spectrum of faiths. Agnostic to LDS, Non Denominational Christian to Jewish. I find it so interesting and sadly humorous that the common BIG downfall for us all (myself included) is our fingers always pointing out each others shortcomings. Since this entry was so old, I assumed you may have read farther through other posts where I often try to find a lesson in the mundane experiences in life. You see... I am FLAWED!!! I am still learning. I make mistakes all the time and I will never claim to be a "perfect example" of what a member of the LDS church should be. But my dear, none of us are. We were not meant to be. You see the great overarching tenet of my faith, the LDS faith, is that Jesus died for me so that I could come to earth to become perfected "in Him". Not on my own. He is the only reason I can ever be perfect and that is a long time from now. My life here on earth is a school, and learning is a long process, and mistakes and failings are most often the catalyst for learning. I figure, if I am doing what I can to learn from all my mess-ups and relying on the power of my Savior's miraculous Atonement to grant me forgiveness for my mistakes and flaws and then rise above them to gain perspective and wisdom, then I am on the right track and my Savior will make up the difference. As a fellow Christian (I am assuming) I know you must realize we must all rely on the grace of God. I do not excuse my flaws, I do not justify my weaknesses--but I do not pretend they dont exist either. Instead, I try to use them as tools to help me better myself. But this is a LONG PROCESS.
3. You believe my son deserves better. I could not agree with you more! I cry frequently because I am unable to provide all he deserves. My choices brought him into less than ideal circumstances. I would give him all if I could. But that is not the way for any of us. I know that all the things he doesn't have and deserves will help to shape him in his own process of becoming. And I pray that God will continually bless him in my shortfalls.
4. You believe many more are reading this blog than I realize. It is possible. But I find it highly improbable. But I would not worry if they were. I love to blogsurf. Strangers who know a friend that knows a friend....the connections are endless. But what does that matter? Are we not all going through struggles and looking for a little outlet, a little wisdom or at least a little reassurance that we are not alone. That we are not just the "unfavorite Child of God". If someone, such as yourself, does happen stumble onto my blog -- I would hope that they have the wisdom to see it for what it is. A journal of ups and downs, mourning and rejoicing, expressing wisdom through hard lessons learned and frustration with the lesson one just doesn't quite grasp yet. It is just a chronicle of a mundane life, unremarkable at first sight, but inspiring in the raw perspective as it HONESTLY relates to the struggles in life and finds beauty for ashes.
I hope with this entry you look on me a little kinder. Single parenthood was far more difficult than I ever expected it to be, and don't think I was at all disillusioned. I knew it would be amazingly hard. If I could, I would love to trade "moccasins" for a day. Cause I never have downtime. If Im not working at work, I am working at home. My day doesn't end with the timeclock and my week doesn't end with Friday. My criticisms I suppose were more a cry for help from those I know would be reading (and probably with a critical eye, much like yours.) So next time you run into a single mom in your church or even just a mom in the grocery store with a screaming child, dont ask why she does what she does, ask what you can do to help. And even if she thanks you but says no, you will have made her day and she will ask to Lord to bless you as much as you blessed her just by the gesture.
My dear stranger, my unknown friend. I hope you dont read anything critical in my response, I just want to share a perspective with you (just as I try to do with all my readers). Now, I will leave you with your same blessing (just a little tweeked of course)... Good luck with everything. I hope God blesses you with happiness in all facets of life, both in ease and struggles.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I had the opportunity to visit my grandfather in Thatcher for July 3-4. We had a great visit though it was impossible to keep Reed outta trouble. One of the first things out of my Grandpa's mouth was, "when ya gonna run for public office?" I thought it was pretty funny, and was a little worried about all the other types of things I blog about that he had been reading.
Thatcher is one of those small towns that is a few decades behind, but that's what gives it charm. We were able to listen to their 4th of July program (which mom says hasn't changed in the last 20 years.) And while we laughed at the "parade" that included more people in it than people watching it, and tried not to fall over rolling because of the singing puppets and the "freedom band" that included a man playing the snare with a tuba on his shoulders... it was great to see that someone remembered to include sentiments reminding us of what we have and our responsiblity to maintain the freedom fought so diligently for us.
The program included the speech from Andrew Jackson's first inauguration. It brought to light just how far we have strayed from the founder's intentions:
In administering the laws of Congress I shall keep steadily in view the limitations
as well as the extent of the Executive power, trusting thereby to discharge thefunctions of my office without transcending its authority.
In such measures as I may be called on to pursue in regard to the rights of the
separate States I hope to be animated by a proper respect for those sovereign
members of our Union, taking care not to confound the powers they have
reserved to themselves with those they have granted to the Confederacy.
Oh that our current leaders followed his example.....
In addition, there were several musical numbers and here are just a few lines that struck me...
Who more than self their country loved...
Confirm thy soul in self-control, thy liberty in law.
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just.
Land of the noble free...
Let mortal tongues awake, let all that breathe partake
Long may our land be bright with freedom's holy light. Protect us by thy might, Great God, our King!
Lately, I have had several discussions with friends, family and coworkers regarding the current status of our freedom. I have heard everything from feelings that "all is well" to "I just don't get into that stuff" to concern and to complete resignation. I agree that I have no solutions as we have let the progressive ideas infiltrate our Congress and even the position of President. I wonder that Obama could even take the oath of office without a lightning storm or roof caving in. I was sickened by his speech yesterday as he very craftily excused his and other leaders current "change" as being a part of what the founding fathers intended. And that he used our "unyielding spirit" as a call to forward HIS current agenda. I swear I screamed to the radio... "HOW DARE YOU!!!!, HOW DARE YOU!!!" Add to that our apathy has made it possible for Congress to easily secure their "job" for life.
Amanda and I drove home yesterday afternoon. We talked about Cap and Trade and Nationalized Health Coverage. We talked about the White Horse Prophecy and saving the Constitution that will hang by a thread. And unfortunately, the conclusion we came to was: "we have done this to ourselves and it will be almost impossible to undo it." I then thought about the Children of Israel in captivity. Maybe this is our wandering in the desert, maybe this is our years of captivity to once again bring a proud people back to their knees to praise our God whom so many have forgotten. This gave me hope.
So after all the books I have read, all the calls to action I have heard and all the time spent not really knowing what it is I could do, I realized what my part is. And yours for that matter. I realized, it is time to get down on my knees and sing praise to "our Father's God", "author of liberty." I believe as we recognize His role in our liberty, as we humble ourselves and return to the values of our fore-fathers, we will loose the chains of captivity that we are only beginning to feel bind us. Along with this prayer, another needs to be said for the inspiration of what we need to be actively doing on an individual level to help forward the cause of restoring our freedom and our country to the beautiful light on a hill that it once was. Another, to help soften the hearts of all Christian's to be willing to work together, no matter the sect, to be willing and able to unite in the cause. I believe we are our own worst enemies because of our "differences." We have much more in common than in differences....
Is it too simple? It seems so. But my faith tells me, that He is the only way. He is the only One that can provide us with the answers of How. He is the only One that can save us as he was the Author of Liberty. This is a promised land. And we have not been good stewards and we will continue to become more and more bound by the consequenses of our own indifference, our own dishonesty, our own choices. I believe that if we can all come together in sincere supplication for guidance out of our stuggles we will find answers and we will be safe. As we do all we can, we will be sheltered from the storm ahead. Will we be successful in restoring the what truly made America glorious? I do not know. Is this just one of the many tragic preludes to the second coming of our Savior? Probably.... But I can no longer sit idly by hoping that someone else finds a solution.....