Tragic necessity? Aren't we being a little too dramatic?

The quote of the day reads:

One realizes that human relationships are the tragic necessity of human life, that they can never be wholly satisfactory, that every ego is half the time greedily seeing them, and half the time pulling away from them.
---Willa Cather

Now my friend Willa was quite an interesting character. What she writes (both in her books and the random quotes from her I have read) reveals a lot about her. And many presume that she preferred to "taste the rainbow" so to speak. But as much as this quote is crazy revealing and seems on the bitter side of life, the more I read it, the more I tend to agree.

Relationships in all forms seem to be an awkward kind of dance to reach a comfortable middle ground from both participants. Add to that, each individual is constantly evolving, making the definition of what exactly is the middle ground just as fuzzy. I have seen the tug and pull that she refers to. I have been the seeker and I have been the one pulling away, as we all have at some point. No real lesson or overarching sum up. Just one of those human nature things that makes one laugh cause we are all so silly. Does that make it them a "tragic" necessity? I dont think so. It sure keeps life interesting.

Oh, Orson! (my favorite brooding manly man)

"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." -Mr. Rochester, Chapter 23, pg. 221

This is my favorite, favorite part of Jane Eyre. And while I attempt to read thewhole book now and again(not just this chapter), nothing brings it more to life than watching the Orson Welles verison. (sigh)

So to all who think my heart has shriveled and am forever doomed to the titles of cynic, pessimist or "bitter: party of one"... here is proof it hasn't and there is hope, though I have had moments of bleeding inwardly.

Today.....

"Perhaps when Diana and I are old and gray we shall be able to laugh over them. But I feel that I can't expect to do it before then, for it has truly been a bitter disappointment."

"You'll probably have a good many more and worse disappointments than that before you get through life," said Marilla, who honestly thought she was making a comforting speech. "It seems to me, Anne, that you are never going to outgrow your fashion of setting your heart so on things and then crashing down into dispair because you don't get them."

"I know I'm too much inclined that way," agreed Anne ruefully. "When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts...it's like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud."

"Well, maybe it does," admitted Marilla. "I'd rather walk calmly along and do without both flying and thud. But everybody has her own way of living...I used to think there was only one right way...but since I've had you and the twins to bring up I don't feel so sure of it."

---Anne of Green Gables

Oh, that I had the wisdom of Marilla.....

Unexpected Answer?

Not long after boo-hoo-ing on my blog yesterday, I decided I needed a nap. (Reed was asleep and I had a chance!!!) But naptime went as usual. My mind started reeling about all the things that didn't get done this weekend and various other stresses. I yelled at my brain, trying to will it to stop for two seconds so I could rest and there it was.

"You have no power over me...."

For those of you without the "in my world" context, I will elaborate. This is a movie line (shocker) from The Labrynth. I love love love that movie, always have. Anyway, this girl messes up, gets her little brother taken away from her (who she was supposed to be watching) and has to go on this fantasy world wild goose chase to get him back. Finally at the end, faced with her brothers kidnapper (no less than the fabulous David Bowie) after playing his games for what seems like forever, she pauses and says... "You have no power over me..." Immediately the "Labrynth" around her shatters and the dream world she has been stuck in disappears and she is reunited with her brother.

This movie line became my mantra not long after I found out I was going to have Reed. All of the sudden, the reasons to stay in a bad situation didn't matter. I had the power. I realized the "fog" I was stuck in was all a false reality. Kinda like in Labrynth or Alice in Wonderland. I just had to stand up and take back my power. I was hellbent on making sure everyone saw that my powers had returned. I was a crusader. I have since mellowed, but realize I may have let a little too much of my wonder woman escape. So I think I was getting a big ol reminder to not cower or give in to the fog that is waiting, wanting to engulf me. And I knew this was a course in life I did NOT want to relearn.

As I was guided to remember my former mantra, I was also guided to pull out some old books on tape. The Amulek Alternative and The Simeon Solution both by Anne Osborn Poelman. One was sent to me in Montana by Shaunasee. (Shout out to you girly. Who knew your package would be even more helpful than it was so many years ago.) I put in the first tape that happened to be on the second side and I was too lazy to rewind (Oh we are spoiled these days...) and figured Id just listened to it from where it was. And the author was basically saying the exact same thing. She went on to reference the Joseph Smith story and the intense dispair he felt just before having his vision. The light came just before he felt he could no longer hold on and he was going to give himself up to the power binding him. So that triggered memories of the Michael McLean song, while trite and very dated, (I always loved Michael McLean) "Just hold on, the light will come." So between the two, I realized I was getting some answers. Just not exactly what I wanted. The knowledge that I have the power of choice and am far stronger than the storm that rages around me and the faith that the light, the safe harbor and the answers to my unending pleas will come was the answer I needed.

PS the books come HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. I just ordered hard copies from Amazon.

The Unlikely Activist....

Earlier today, I was listening to Glenn Beck and he was talking about the sales of the book The 5000 Year Leap. The current sales have shot the book to the status of best seller (youd think Oprah told everyone to read it) and it has sold more copies in the last 3 weeks since the 912 project was introduced than it had since its first publishing 30 years ago. I am currently reading said book and find it fascinating and very saddening as I see how far we have strayed from the founders vision for America. After stating this statistic, Glenn then took me to task. EEK. While it was fantastic that so many were getting aquainted or reaquainted with the constitution and the reasons for the founding fathers setting things up they way they did, Glenn said just learning about it was not enough. It was what we chose to do with this new education that really mattered. He encouraged local book clubs, so we could get together and discuss what we learned and start really becoming active in government to "turn the tide." In his words, "we need to become our own special interest group". As we gain in numbers we can no longer be ignored or dismissed by Washington and our local goverments. As I have done very little to connect with others reading this book and other books so we have a context for this "uprising" and following the current political rollercoasted, I felt a little chastised.

A few minutes ago, I was reading the ANWA blog and one of the writers had posted this quote:

Stand up for freedom no matter what the cost. It can save your soul and maybe your country. Ezra Taft Benson

Add to this, I was googling the other day and put in, "constitution will hang by a thread" (as it is commonly referred to in Sunday School discussions), and read up on what many refer to as "The White Horse Prophecy" from Joseph Smith. While in general the prophecy has been dismissed as "mormon folklore" it is interesting to see how many of Joseph Smiths contemporaries recorded him saying very similar sentiments regarding the constitution hanging by a thread and how a church member or church members would be instrumental in saving the US as we know it. Many mused that Romney running for president was a fulfillment of this. While he was not exactly "the" one, I find it interesting to see members of the church's involvement in politics, Romney included and Glenn as he has rolled out his 912 project.

While I dont believe in "signs" per se... I do see little flags leading me in directions or common "themes" that keep coming up. This chain of events seem to be a chain of little flags, waiving me to do something.
So here's my sorry attempt as being an activist. HEHE, that seems so funny coming from me.

Go get the book, read it. And if anyone nearby or through this blog wants to discuss, let me know. In the mean time, I think I will be contacting a ward member that is a big activist to see what she thinks about getting together a reading group. (Do I assume too much by thinking that people actually read this blog???)

To all the Twilight-er-pated

SPOILER ALERT: Before you read this, I just want to warn you that while I wont spoil the ending for you all, I may just spoil the whole Twilight concept for you. Read with caution. If you love Twilight, loved the story, loved the books, loved the movie you may want to stop reading.

To be fair, I really enjoyed reading the books. (Actually I only read the first 2. I will get to the others as soon as I find a few extra moments in my life.) I went and saw the move on Saturday and I really liked it. I liked its quirky style. I dug the way the director chose to do things. I even kinda dug Bella's Technicolor dream when she is gonna get bit by Edward in all its "softcore porn fantasy" feel, you know kinda Elvira mistress of the dark-ish meets the legendary Vincent Price - "House of Usher"- ish. I like to call it "gaudy goth".
So you ask, what could possibly be wrong to spoil all the fun?

I was talking to a coworker on Friday about my plans to see Twilight. It was a big deal cause I hadn't been to a movie since V for Vendetta. Well over 2 years. She hadn't even heard of Twilignt. So I started to give her the basic overview. You know... Blada blada blada vampire love story. Her response was not the usual "that sounded painfully embarissing for you to admit you actually would read that kinda book" sigh. It was, "Oh, so a typical forbidden love story. Bad guy, good girl. Danger." I was like, "Yeah, ok."

Well, Damn it, Tessa, it got me thinking way too hard about it. And all I could keep coming back to was:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TEACHING ALL OF THESE LITTLE TEENAGE GIRLS"

Granted, my response comes from a lifetime of failed romances that began as, "if he could only see what I see when I look at him, he would realize how amazing he is and would accomplish amazing things". What keeps replaying in my head is that dumb mutual story about the indian and the snake. --You knew what I was when you picked me up-- But do you think all of my "project men", my "lost causes", my "my love can fix it" men were really snakes? Of course not. (Im oozing sarcasm right not... OOZING. I just dont want it to be too subtle.) They were different. Including the I just want to stomp all over the moral line of what I can and cant do guy that dismissed me the minute I decided I would rather go on a mission than give it up to him, the Montana find that teared up when we taught him the first discussion, but quickly forgot what he had learned when things got tough, and of course my drug addict baby daddy.
Before I get into too much trouble. I must say: I do not dismiss or deny what I saw in them. It was there and they were amazing but they didn't know it and they didn't really want to know it and that was the problem. From hard, hurtful, tearfilled lessons I have learned that some gambles, some dangers are just NOT worth the risk.

Maybe I spent one too many days in my Gender Differences Psych class and maybe it was a little to women's lib doctrine-ish. I know, I know, we laugh at those professors that condemn Disney for teaching little girls that they have to be saved by a prince. They are all quacks. But really guys. What are we reading and what are we teaching little girls about love? That it is more romantic when its dangerous? That its ok if he's the "bad guy" -- the books words not mine. That their love can save them? That its ok to change who you are so you can be like them so you can be together? That love should be so overpowering that you want give up everything to be with the man you love... your family, your friends, your whole life, literally?

Let me tell you from personal experience... That is not love, my friends. It is at times exciting and fun and there is nothing more heady than a new love with a "bad boy", but it turns into a nightmare very quickly. It is NOT LOVE. Its a form a mental abuse.

Now, once again. To be fair, I have not read the rest of the series and Im sure I will and Im sure I will enjoy it as much as I did the others. As of now, I do not know if Bella "changes" for Edward. But the overarching message, intentional or not, is dangerous to young, impressionable, twitterpated little girl hearts. And those are the target readers. Girls who haven't been faced with the consequences of a "my love can save him" attitude. And like I said earlier, some dangers are not worth the risk.

Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater

I just finished reading The Christmas Sweater. I bought it yesterday during my lunch. Im a big Glenn Beck fan and was excited to read it. I didn't know that I would finish it within 24 hours. I don't read much anymore. I don't have time. I still haven't finished the third book in the Twilight series yet. I know, I know.... It's impossible to imagine. But I did manage to finish The Christmas Sweater and it was definately worth my time. I sat here finishing it during some downtime at work and it took all I had not to start balling. So go out and get your copy. If you dont want to buy it, Ill lend you mine or I'll get you one, its worth the $15 at Walmart.

It our modern day Christmas Carol and has such a simple, straightforward but very striking way of putting all those things we already know, but that we just dont seem to get. It also mirrored a lot of the different things Ive been experiencing lately. And while Im kinda mad that Glenn beat me to the punch on this whole book genre, Im ok with it and I dont think it will diminish my take on things, I hope.