So I dont know what is wrong with me, but I have been struggling lately to feel any sort of thankfulness. Before I get myself in trouble, let me preface this with a huge thankful for my family especially my mom for all the help and support with Reed and with my "imbalances" in general. But I seem to be in a glass half empty funk. I have been think about this for the past couple weeks, but part of me would just like to skip over this whole holiday routine and get on with 2009. Maybe part of this blog entry is to get myself actually thinking about all there is to be thankful for.
Every year my mom put up a giant paper tablet (kinda like the elementary school teachers used to have...) in the hallway and everyone gets to write down what they are thankful for. I have walked past it several times this year, looked at it and just shook my head. I know I have a million things to be thankful for, but I am just so frustrated with current circumstances that I have been walking around as cynical as ever... And we all know how shocking that must be.
Last year faced with all of the stresses of being a new single parent and all that goes with it, my Thanksgiving list was so very different than years past, much more detailed and kinda grown up, you could even call it "enlightened." Right around this time last year, I started having health problems that ended me up in the hospital in a fight for my life. It was a scary week or two (I dont really remember) as they used me as a human pin cushion, ran test after test and pumped someone elses blood into me. I was bruised and sliced up all over and had lost about 15 pounds, but when I was released Dec 5th, I was so glad to be going home. My world was a different place and all of the sudden my thanksgiving list was even longer than before. Although by then Thanksgiving had passed and we were deep in the throws of the Christmas routine.
So I guess my question is:
Why is it that last year when I was walking through what many would consider a hellish year, was I more thankful than ever and why is it that this year, which has been relatively calm (**Emphasis on relative) am I so lacking a thankful spirit? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Why is it when things are good or at least not bad, we want different? But when things are awful, everything around you becomes a blessing?
I guess the answer is humility or lack thereof. Now that I have written this, I realize how very telling it is about what it takes to make me/keep me humble. I have trouble keeping proper perspective when things are status quo. So maybe I will have to take a little more time and really work on a thankful list. Ill have to get back to yall.
4 years ago