Thursday, April 30, 2009

Fortune Cookie #2

Yeah!!! Its my Friday. (I work 4 tens, M-Th) I was good and didn't go out for lunch all week long so I rewarded myself with Panda Express. This is why I am a "not thin" person. I reward myself with food. Anyway, I have wanted to have the fortune cookie posts be a consistant thing, but the last few times, my fortunes have been crappy. Because of said fortunes, I decided I would write my own fortunes. This proved to be a much more difficult task than I ever could've imagined. That Confuscius had a tough gig, I always just took him for granted. So I scrapped that idea. So I figured Id go back to my original idea. But now I am totally sidetracked.

Todays fortune: Your magnetic personality will draw people to you.

WOW, I just always thought it was my amazing baking skills. I make a mean chocolate chip cookie.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Unexpected Answer?

Not long after boo-hoo-ing on my blog yesterday, I decided I needed a nap. (Reed was asleep and I had a chance!!!) But naptime went as usual. My mind started reeling about all the things that didn't get done this weekend and various other stresses. I yelled at my brain, trying to will it to stop for two seconds so I could rest and there it was.

"You have no power over me...."

For those of you without the "in my world" context, I will elaborate. This is a movie line (shocker) from The Labrynth. I love love love that movie, always have. Anyway, this girl messes up, gets her little brother taken away from her (who she was supposed to be watching) and has to go on this fantasy world wild goose chase to get him back. Finally at the end, faced with her brothers kidnapper (no less than the fabulous David Bowie) after playing his games for what seems like forever, she pauses and says... "You have no power over me..." Immediately the "Labrynth" around her shatters and the dream world she has been stuck in disappears and she is reunited with her brother.

This movie line became my mantra not long after I found out I was going to have Reed. All of the sudden, the reasons to stay in a bad situation didn't matter. I had the power. I realized the "fog" I was stuck in was all a false reality. Kinda like in Labrynth or Alice in Wonderland. I just had to stand up and take back my power. I was hellbent on making sure everyone saw that my powers had returned. I was a crusader. I have since mellowed, but realize I may have let a little too much of my wonder woman escape. So I think I was getting a big ol reminder to not cower or give in to the fog that is waiting, wanting to engulf me. And I knew this was a course in life I did NOT want to relearn.

As I was guided to remember my former mantra, I was also guided to pull out some old books on tape. The Amulek Alternative and The Simeon Solution both by Anne Osborn Poelman. One was sent to me in Montana by Shaunasee. (Shout out to you girly. Who knew your package would be even more helpful than it was so many years ago.) I put in the first tape that happened to be on the second side and I was too lazy to rewind (Oh we are spoiled these days...) and figured Id just listened to it from where it was. And the author was basically saying the exact same thing. She went on to reference the Joseph Smith story and the intense dispair he felt just before having his vision. The light came just before he felt he could no longer hold on and he was going to give himself up to the power binding him. So that triggered memories of the Michael McLean song, while trite and very dated, (I always loved Michael McLean) "Just hold on, the light will come." So between the two, I realized I was getting some answers. Just not exactly what I wanted. The knowledge that I have the power of choice and am far stronger than the storm that rages around me and the faith that the light, the safe harbor and the answers to my unending pleas will come was the answer I needed.

PS the books come HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. I just ordered hard copies from Amazon.

Sunday, April 26, 2009


Just a need to purge a bit. I am currently experiencing the same exact horrible feelings I felt back 6 or so years ago that sent me into the dreaded "fog" period of my life. Inside I am screaming, please, no, not again. And while I know I dont want to go about dealing with it the same way as before, I dont know how to move through it gracefully and happily. And now I got baby boy in tow that doesn't need his little happy life tainted by moms issues. Why do we go through times in life where our prayers seem to hit the ceiling and fall back down? That has to be the only explanation. Last time, I just thought I wasn't loved enough to be heard or helped. I know better now, but still I dont know what to do....
And if anyone says I need to pray harder or just be patient, I will personally fly to where ever you are and BEAT the ever-lovin out of you! Cause that is really easy to say when you aren't in the thick of it!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

It all makes sense now.

All of you who used to wonder how in the world a wonderful girl like me is still single can now begin to understand. The below pics are proof that I am more fit for a mental institution than the institution of marriage.

**Although many would argue there is not much difference.**

Enjoy this moment of personal humitiation as I unvail the "real Emily". And the next time you think to yourself, "Poor girl, I wish she could find someone", remember just exactly why that just isn't probable.

The Multiple Personalities of Emily

Montana and I were a perfect fit.
"KISS It... Both cheeks, both lips."
This one could not be posted without caption. There are just so many to choose from. IE: "Twins". Or "Ok, which ones the smart ass and which ones the dumb ass?"

I cant come up with a caption, some things are beyond words. If you can think of one leave a comment. Ill send a prize to the best one.
Everyone has a little bit o short bus in em. I just happen to have more than most.
Again, the best caption from you recieves a prize.
Thanks you Stu, for making it ok for me to pick my nose.
This was a happy time in my life...
After rooting through all my old photos looking for a lumberjack that never existed (thanks a lot TEX the COWBOY) I realized I should share the joy. None of these is current, I cry when I see the length of my hair back then. Most are from my mission. But all show a little facet of what makes me Emily. This also was a big reminder that life does not have to be as serious as it has been lately and its time to be a little silly again. Forgive the pics, as none are very flattering. But I figured any embarrisment is worth the laugh in the end.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Memory failure, part 2

So I went on the hunt for my SNL commercial. I could only find one, "Big Braun" which was similar, pads not tampons, and the quote was "feels like a lumberjack between my knees". So Strike 2. But funny none the less. I swear there is another one. I will find it, eventually.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The man himself

So I went on the search for the burly lumberjack, and came to realize my memory had failed me. He was just a dumb ol cowboy!!! But big he is. Notice how small I look??? He did his job well. (I think I must have a lumberjack pic somewhere, but try as I may I couldn't find it.)
In the search for Tex up there, I had a fantastic time rummaging through pics and reminiscing about the good old days. So this has triggered a whole slew of blog opportunities and pics that need posting. I apologize ahead of time!!! But who knows you may laugh as hard as I did. And you may even be a part of the fun... Either way, I will enjoy it and thats good enough for me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Burly Lumberjack

I know, after the last post I was milking some major pity points. On the other hand some may be saying, "Emily isn't happy unless she is complaining about something." Which may be pretty accurate. And still some of you may just be asking what exactly a "burly lumberjack" would consist of... and why this would be the type a guy a girl (like me) would want. So I figured I would give you a little background on the evolution of the BURLY LUMBERJACK.

The term "Burly Lumberjack" dates back to my teen years and a much loved SNL skit. If I could stream media at work, I would try to find it on utube. Anways, it was a SNL commercial for all natural, biodegradeble tampons, made from tree bark. One of the tag-lines was, "It feels like a burly lumberjack between my thighs." I know, I know, my humor is so crass. Mom is now embarrissed and wants me to tell you that I didn't get it from her. (yeah, right I didnt) Dad would just be rolling his eyes and say, "damn kids" and trying to remember what horrible thing he did in his youth to warrent having 5 daughters.

But back to the tag line. I laughed til I cried. And it stuck. And so at the most random of times, I have to insert "feels like a burly lumberjack between your thighs" into conversations just for kicks. (Its a fun game to play, kinda like the "that's what she said" game. Its just a lot harder to find times that you can effectively insert it into a convo. But thats why its so genius.)

Anyway. From then on, when someone asked what kinda guy I wanted, it was a burly lumberjack. Maybe just cause it makes me laugh every time I hear/say it and maybe cause it captures so well what I want. So what is a burly lumberjack:

-- Cromagnon man meets Edgar from Men In Black (you know, the guy before his body gets taken over by the alien cockaroach...."Edgar skins hanging off your bones..." That guy.

-- As dad would put it, "Strong back, weak mind." (Which is not totally true. I want him to have brains, just enough to say "yes dear, what ever you like dear, I love you, baby."

-- A little bit of red-neckedness. Not that he is red when necked. (I might be) But that he is a bit hick. Thus the draw to places like Arkansas, Alaska and Montana.

-- At least 6 ft tall, at least 40 in waist, barrel chested. Why so big? Well, ladies, I was not blessed with an overly feminine frame. (Oh, you didn't notice, how kind of you!) And nothing makes a lady feel less ladylike than standing next to a wimpy or even average man. I always joked that if I couldn't wear his jeans, I didnt want to date him. I think it still stands, but unfortunately it rules out more men lately.. (sad face). Time to bust out the Turbo Jam. Anyway, I may not be small, but its nice to feel that way and the only way to feel that way is to stand next to a big bear of a man.

-- Hairy. Now, I must explain.... I luv, luv, luv scruff. The look of it. I dont like getting my cheeks raked raw from a kiss, but its a trade off. And well worth it. And while Im not a big fan of running my fingers through a man's back hair, unfortunately, it kinda comes with the territory. And a second down side is the direct correlation between great scruff/back hair and balding up top. What a wierd phenomenon. They grow it everywhere else but not where it should be. Luckily, my daddy was bald and so I see the beauty in it.

-- A Carnivore. I just cant respect a man that doesn't like steak. And I dont want to out eat a man...ever!!!

-- Finally and most important to qualify for the burly lumberjack title he has to be handy. ( NOT Handsy--you dirty mind you!!!) He's got to be able to take on a honey do list and actually do a resonable job at it, and not have to call a professional.

Ok, That was super fun. I hope after this read you will come to appreciate the loveability of a Burly Lumberjack as much as I do!!!

PS If anyone has a copy of the burly lumberjack from Great Falls, MT that is already scanned and "digitized" email it to me so I can post it. If I don't hear from you I will go digging to find my pics, cause he is definately worth posting with this one.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Baby cravings and other pitiful confessions

So I have a bit of a dilemma and have been rolling around in it for a while. I cant really think of a nice way of putting it all out there, so Im just gonna toss it to the wind so to speak and if it comes out rational and interesting, great. If instead, it is a mess of blubbering and seems a bit desperate. Oh well... Ive been called worse.

Today at work the cutest little baby girl came in for PT. A little 7 month old, about the size Reed was at 4 months. Today, a 1 week overdue pregnant girl (woman) came lumbering in. I had passed on some acupressure tricks to her to try to get her started and while she did begin having labor pains, they quickly went away.

I am heart sick. I want that. For the most part, I loved the feeling of being pregnant. (That is after I got past the barfy months and before my ankles disappeared.) Beyond that, I am baby hungry. Maybe hungry isn't the right word, how bout ravenous? There is something in me screaming out that I need to pop me out some babies!!!!

I have always wanted the perfect little life with the ruggedly handsome (read: Burly lumberjack) big teddy bear husband and 5 boys. (Preston, Porter, Colton, Hunter, and Fisher. And maybe an Archer --- but NOT call him Archie.) Things never seem to quite pan out the way we plan and here I am. I adore my sweet little poop child, Reed. But I recognize in me a urge for something more. I want my football team.... I want my football team that includes my hubby coach!!!! I want my football team that brings other players over to eat me out of house and home and chill and say, "thanks, mom" even if Im not their mom. I want to be on the PTA.

Lots of times I think, Its my own damn fault and that I have chosen my path. But then there's this part of me that says, "Hey Lord, Im doing really good. I have come so far in the last few years, please send me someone so I dont have to do this alone anymore... its so hard." But to no avail. To be fair the Lord would have to throw him onto the roof of my truck or just plant him at my front door for me to be able to meet him. (My social time is minimal.) So in a total act of, I dont even know what to call it, Im just gonna throw this out there.

I need your help! While Im not a firm believer in blind dates (my last one turned out to be a child molester and is now in prison) I do believe that many miracles happen through God's little helpers, mainly, FRIENDS. So if anyone out there reads this, I want you to take a few secs, mull it over and see if there is not someone out there that you might think would be a possibility for me. No qualifications (besides the whole church member, NON child molester, obvious musts) No specifics. I am open. K Im done.

If you think this is horribly pathetic then I hope you all realize how pitiful this is to me too. But you cant imagine how hard life is alone.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Breaking News: Im a threat to national security!

So I am aware of how quickly my blog is not read when I start getting all politically preachy. But this one was too rich to be ignored. So before you just skip down to the adorable pics of my son, give this a quick read.

I am officially a threat to national security. Really. Our fearless leader of Homeland Security, who according to herself has done more for national security than anyone else (this is when I huff with a sarcastic look in my eye--cause she didn't do jack crap for border control while our governor) has pronounced me so. Thanks Janet (bitch). How is this possible?

In a 9 page report issued last week she stated that the US is no longer threatened by international terrorist such as we are battling in Iraq. No, they aren't a threat. Neither are the millions of illegals bringing over drugs and abusing our system and draining our states of much needed funds. No, they aren't a threat either. They are all under control. The big threat to our country (are you ready for it??) are extreme conservatives. She went on to define "extreme conservatives" to include basically any conservative in general. I would be attenting the tea party tomorrow if it weren't for work. I believe the national govt is out of control. I am therefore an "extreme conservative" and a threat to my country.

YEAH!!!!! I kinda gives me a sense of pride. Funny how Im not a violent person. I try to follow the "rules" as best I can. I try to take care of myself and my son. (Although I do participate in the WIC program.) I get angry when patients come driving up to PT in brand new lifted trucks and hand me their AHCCCS (medicaid) insurance cards with finely manicured nails just before they answer a very important call on their blackberry. Im not happy with the government and I agree with the Texas governor who stated, "I believe that our federal goverment has become oppressive in its size, its intrusion into the lives of our citizens and its interference with affairs of our state." I may need to move to Texas soon. You know they are the only state in the union that have it written into the constitiution that they can legally secede from the union at any time. They are also the only state that can fly their flag above the US flag. Interesting....Too bad the weather is so horrible and the landscape so barren. But I digress.

So if any of you out there qualify to be a national threat too, congrats!!! Its sad when defenders of the constitution and basic freedoms become an enemy of the nation. Kinda backwards isn't it?

Tomorrow I will be wearing a tax protest shirt of my own designing and wishing I was at the local tea party. And if I get just one person to ask me about it and why I am wearing it, I will have accomplished my goal. And if any of you actually read this the whole way through dispite your lack of interest in my political spoutings, I will have accomplished yet another goal. And if by chance I have sent out a little spark that caught in anyone else and caused them to get involved and begin to question the abuse of power going on in our federal goverment (and locally) then I think I deserve a pat on the back by way of the local dairy queen.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Thought for the day.

I get a "...of the day." email. It has a word of the day, this day in history, who's birthday is it, article for the day and a quote for the day. This one struck me as especially good. Maybe cause it gives me hope.

If thou hast never been a fool, be sure thou wilt never be a wise man.

William Makepeace Thackeray

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Im sitting here at work with a little over and hour to go. Today is one of those days... Ive been on the verge of crying all day long. Im over sensitive and feeling very under loved and under appreciated. Three cheers for PMS. (Im assuming this must be hormonal. Although stress may be another possible culprit as may be my lack of sleep as Reed had night terrors all night long.) So in a vain attempt to keep myself occupied long enough to get through the rest of this work day, I will now proceed to list things that would be less painful, or less frustrating or less difficult (etc, etc...) than today has been.

1. Banging my head on the wall would be less painful than today. (Any of you who are around me much realize this is my standard answer to "how ya doin" on a crappy day.)
2. Actually doing my taxes (that still arent done) would be less frustrating than today. (When does one cry uncle and actually pay someone to do this. I just cant see paying hundreds to not have to do my taxes...)
3. Balancing my fat ass on a tightrope would be less difficult than today. (The girthier --is that a word? GIRTHIER???-- I get the more clumsy I seem to get.)
4. Giving myself papercuts and then peeling citrus fruit would be less painful than today.
5. Waiting in line at the motor vehile dept would be less frustrating than today. (That makes me think of that show, I forget what its called, but anyway, Hell is actually located at the Motor Vehile Department. It was funny.)
6. Getting stuck in an elevator after eating very bad indian cusine and then trying not to fart would be less difficult than today. I dont even know how to elaborate on that one....
7. Walking through a bed of scorpions (which I have very bad reactions to) would be less painful than today. Speaking of which, its that time of year again. I have found 3 live and 1 dead in just the past week. EEK. I now wear shoes everywhere.
8. Trying to push start a car with a dead battery would be less frustrating than today. This actually happened when I was 9 months pregnant. AutoZone wouldn't jump start me for liability reasons. This was after trying (unsuccesfully) to get insurance coverage through the state. (Also less painful than today...) Funny how all the illegals quailfy, but not the white chick that isn't a crack addict.... End of the story, I rattled off a whole tongue lashing of profanities to the useless autozone employees and started waddling toward the bus stop. James ran over his foot trying to push start my car and while he did sucessfully start the car, he couldn't push the clutch in to be able to drive. When I finally got home I just sobbed. It was an all time low, me with my broke down car at DES, all knocked up and poor... But not poor enough or illegal enough to qualify for help... WOW did that take me down a not happy memory lane.
9. Listening to the American Idol rejects sing in a neverending chorus would be less painful than today.

OK so thats as far as I got. I cant seem to top #6. It definately wins. An old friend of mine used to say "Its not as bad a poke in the eye." all the time. (Or at least something close to that.) Well, old friend, I beg to differ!

Just a little disclaimer for all my dear friends ready to swoop in and talk me down from the edge. This was my therapy. I feel much better now. And this was written with a stream of sarcastic undertones. ( I KNOW--- ITS SUBTLE.) No need to worry. I feel much better now. I killed a half hour and only have another half to go... and LOST is tonight!!! Which means Thursday (my Friday) is tomorrow. All is not lost.... for me anyway. Not so sure about the survivors of Oceanic flight 815.

And just in case it is unclear (meaning you are completely stupid or just not familiar with the DSM-V) I am totally crazy. Certifiably. At least thats what the DSM-V says. But who isn't?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


So I was bored at work and decided to analyze my name (numerologically) and post the findings.

Your Name: Emily Ann Martin
There are 14 letters in your name.Those 14 letters total to 69There are 5 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.
What your first name means:
Teutonic (Female) Hard working.
Latin (Female) Industrious; striving. From the name Aemilia, the feminine form of the Roman family name Aemilius. Also a variant of Amelia.
German (Female) Feminine form of Emil: From the Roman family name Aemilius, meaning 'industrious.' Also a variant of Amelia: From the Old German Amalburga, meaning labour and the Latin Aemilia.
French (Female) Feminine form of Emile: Industrious. From the Roman family name Aemilius. Famous bearer: French writer Emile Zola.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means: With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.
The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means: You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

For the most part I tend to agree with the above analysis. Kinda creepy in a way... Well at least until the inner dream stuff at the end. I suppose on small levels it applies. I do tend to have political opinions and entrepreneurial urges, but nothing as extreme as stated above. What do you think?