Its been a strange past few months. I feel like I have run the gauntlet (or at least part of it) and am now standing to the side, breathing heavily,a bit dazed,dehydrated and thinking, "Damn, I shoulda taken those PE classes a little more seriously."
I remember back in high school going to meetings about planning for college and taking excelerated class, they called it "the fast track". I feel like I have been on the life lesson version of that track. The only problem is, I'm not the disciplined scholar needed for the "fast track" to be successful. So if the next few thoughts come out muddled, forgive me. I'm a blogger outta practice and a student that feels like she has been cramming for the big final for the past few months with too little sleep and way too much caffiene.
Life took a sudden and very dangerous plummet a few weeks back. All of the sudden, all my little demons, all my insecurities came back to visit with a vengance. Its so funny how two little words can cause so much trouble. "Should have" should be outlawed. Another dangerous couple, "if only" also seemed to trouble my mind. Its amazing how in stressful times, we (ok I) think its appropriate to drudge up all the old mistakes, the guilt, the what if's of life. Last checked,(and very recent indeed), it still does no good. Never did before, still doesn't now. Doesn't change anything, except possibly skew ones perspective for the future. It was only a few days ago, when speaking to the sweetest man I have ever met, that I got a little reality check. After living more years in prison that out, he is free. His joy in the little things: relaxing in the dining area of a McDonald's, the ability to ride the city bus and the prospects of what to make of his next 30 years, all reminded me of the importance of moving forward.... and allowing others to do the same. It would be so easy to dwell on what was lost or the time wasted. Instead, he was sincerely grateful for the time he had now and for the opportunity to learn from his previous experience and be better for it.
I think the lessons on lessons are the hardest lessons to learn. (I swear that makes perfect sense in my mind....) See, some of us struggle to be humble enough to admit to mistakes and learn from them. Some of us struggle to forgive ourselves and realize that mistakes are a part of the overarching plan for our time here on earth. Some of us struggle in allowing others to learn their lessons on their own timeline and not on the timeline we wish they would learn them. Some of us struggle in allowing others to move past their mistakes and consider them better for the experience. And some of us struggle with all of the above... (pay no attention to the big flashing arrow above the writers head.)
So I guess in a quick sum up, Im sorry its been so long since the last post, Ive been learning about learning. Learning to be patient with myself, trying to be less critical of others who haven't yet learned,looking forward to the future with courage and smashing the hell outta the shoulda's that weasle their way into my thoughts.
3 years ago