Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Too many tears to shed.

Its been a stressful past week or so.
I am waiting to hear from Reed's father about seeing Reed prior to his return to, (I cant think of a funny way of putting it, so Ill just throw it out there), prison. I keep waiting and waiting, but I hear nothing. Which usually isn't a good sign. Part of me will be relieved when its all said and done and I dont have to feel like I have to anticipate the unexpected from his father. But a much bigger part of me is just sad for how everything has turned out. I wanted him to rise to the challenge of parenthood. It breaks my heart that he hasn't been able to yet.
I have hit a major crossroads in life and cant see what to do next. I am frozen at a precipice wondering, "do I take the leap of faith?" or do I turn around and find a different path. I know things cant remain the way they are.
I have watch loved ones suffer more than anyone should. I want so much to take away their pains, but realize I have no immediate solution, no balm to ease their ache.
My heart seems to ache constantly as of late too. Not the ache of a failed romance or the ache of damages done by another, but a sore constant ache for something I cannot define. I am weary.
Everything makes me cry. Veggie tales made me cry. I cried while cleaning the kitchen. I cried when the birthday cake I made for my sister didn't harden soon enough. I cried for a new friend that I will not continue to get to know because he has since been called home. I cried for my dear Sara who is a widow for the second time this year. I cried because I feel so guilty for crying over my problems that are trivial in comparison. I cried with frustration that I feel so stuck and agitated with current circumstances. I cried because Im afraid to change said circumstances because I might make another mistake. I cried because I couldnt even get a small car loan because of my credit. How humiliating, how sad to be too risky. I cant blame them, but I cried anyway.
While the tears are shed and dried and my game face is back on, there are more waiting in the wing. I can feel them building.

5 comments:

Lisa Meyer said...

Em - things will get better, sooner or later they will and you will look back on these days and think of all the great things you learned from the experience. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Ho Ching Happenings said...

Crying can be very healing. I hope it helps. I think it helps remind us that we aren't in control, at least that is what I have learned in the last month, the Lord is. I glad you have the ability to cry and share.

The life of David said...

Em cry as much as possible. Then I won't feel so stupid for crying and crying and making clint give me a hug when he would rather hug you. I am so touched that you were crying that you will never meet David. He was really a funny guy. You will learn on Saturday....I love you.

Lunt Family said...

Emily, I am so sorry things are rotten right now. When I get into town we most definetly need to get together and play or cry or whatever. I will call.

Adam and Emily said...

I know it feels like nothing can go right, but you're a strong girl! And even stonger now that you have Reed. You need to make the choice that is best for Reed. It'll be hard but totally worth it in the end. Just know you have someone on your side that wants to see you succeed! Actually you have tons of people routing for you! Yay Emily!!! =)