The "funk" that I was experiencing a few weeks back has never really subsided. I am struggling against my natural tendency to become "bitter party of one". Now I know we all have our seasons, I know we all have our struggles. I get it. But guess what. There are only a few of you who get to go through those trials with no help meet. There are only a few of you who know what its like to not have a "soft place to fall." There are only a few of you who really get what its like to be celibate. (Especially after a season of not). So before anyone quickly responds with sweet condolences, dont. Cause honestly. It would test our friendship. I would get ugly, really ugly. Im just venting and taking the long way round to get to my point.
And to be quite honest, the point is more a reminder for me. Readers are just along for the ride. You may read and be sympathetic... BUT DO NOT TELL ME AS MUCH!!!! If I have one more pitiful look, I will scream. And again it will not be pretty. (But again, I digress....)
So while listening to the IPod, the waterworks turned on and I had a bitter, but healing cry. I think that sometimes music is the only way I survive and keep hope up when everything tells me there is no reason to hope or to try or to even bother. Since hearing the hymn, it has been constantly running through my head. Probably saving me from doing something really, really stupid.
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through clouds and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
If there was ever anyone watching the darkness deepen, if there was ever anyone feeling completely helpless and without comfort, it is me....
I see glimpses of comfort, but no long term answers to my pleas for help. So I will just keep singing my hymns and having a good cry now and again.