Tragic necessity? Aren't we being a little too dramatic?

The quote of the day reads:

One realizes that human relationships are the tragic necessity of human life, that they can never be wholly satisfactory, that every ego is half the time greedily seeing them, and half the time pulling away from them.
---Willa Cather

Now my friend Willa was quite an interesting character. What she writes (both in her books and the random quotes from her I have read) reveals a lot about her. And many presume that she preferred to "taste the rainbow" so to speak. But as much as this quote is crazy revealing and seems on the bitter side of life, the more I read it, the more I tend to agree.

Relationships in all forms seem to be an awkward kind of dance to reach a comfortable middle ground from both participants. Add to that, each individual is constantly evolving, making the definition of what exactly is the middle ground just as fuzzy. I have seen the tug and pull that she refers to. I have been the seeker and I have been the one pulling away, as we all have at some point. No real lesson or overarching sum up. Just one of those human nature things that makes one laugh cause we are all so silly. Does that make it them a "tragic" necessity? I dont think so. It sure keeps life interesting.

Represent....

On my computer at work, I have a quote:

You are called to represent the Savior. Your voice to testify becomes the same as His voice, your hands to lift the same as His hands. His work is to bless His Father's spirit children with the opportunity to choose eternal life. So, your calling is to bless lives. Your call has eternal consequences for others and for you. In the world to come, thousands may call your name blessed, even more than the people you serve here. They will be the ancestors and the decendants of those who chose eternal life because of something you said or did, or even what you were... You see, there are no small callings to represent the Lord.
---Henry B Eyring (who just happens to be my favorite)


So, today, instead of watching the clock tick ever so slowly on, I found myself reading through this quote. I read it often. But today, I kinda read it in opposite perspective. What about all those depending on my voice, my hands, my example.... when I choose NOT to speak, or choose NOT to help, or choose NOT to be a good example. In the world to come, thousands may call my name in disappointment, asking why I did nothing. They were counting on me and I chose wrong.

For a long time, my friend at Greenfield and Southern has been on my mind. I never knew his name but I would see him outside of Walgreen's or McDonalds frequently. If I was in the drive thru getting a breakfast burrito, I got two. He always said thanks, but I never took much time to talk to him (as I was always on my way to work or in a hurry) and now he is gone. I worried when I saw his things strewn about. I worried even more when I drove past and his things were completely gone. All I can think now is, What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to? Did I do enough? I thought maybe I should ask inside the local businesses to see if they knew where my friend went to... But part of me is afraid to ask. And then there is another part of me that thinks maybe just maybe if he is really gone, that is not a bad thing at all. But I am still afraid to ask... And there is still no sign of my friend.

For a long time and even still, I look at my time in Montana as a big waste or at least purely selfish. I feel like I gained a bunch ( not just weight, but life lessons) but I wasn't able to really feel successful in helping others... As I look at the list of baptisms and reactivations, none seemed to stay strong and quickly moved on to other philosophies. (Shoot even I kinda lost what I learned there for a while...) And while I felt such a strong prompting almost audible telling me, "You need to go now or it will be too late and then it wont really matter", there was and is no obvious reason for the specific time frame. I still dont know the reasons for all that happened in Montana. But it is another situation that I look back on and ask: What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to do? Did I do enough"

I guess this is a backwards call to action of sorts. For you and for me. I guess its time to really REPRESENT. But not just in name only. I have always been one that says that all the scripture reading, family night lessons, and prayers in the world are useless if you are not kind and look on your neighbors with a critical eye. In the end, love is the ultimate lesson. And love is a verb. And while, I highly doubt any would call my name blessed, I never want to be in the position to have people ask why I didn't speak, help or live my religion when I should have.

Oh, Orson! (my favorite brooding manly man)

"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." -Mr. Rochester, Chapter 23, pg. 221

This is my favorite, favorite part of Jane Eyre. And while I attempt to read thewhole book now and again(not just this chapter), nothing brings it more to life than watching the Orson Welles verison. (sigh)

So to all who think my heart has shriveled and am forever doomed to the titles of cynic, pessimist or "bitter: party of one"... here is proof it hasn't and there is hope, though I have had moments of bleeding inwardly.

Addendum

Just a little side note for laughs. After writing about waiting and waiting for the storm, it finally broke! It woke me this morning about 4 and was it amazing!!!

Watching the storm

It seems with the discovery of Facebook, I have neglected my much loved blog. I will now attempt to give it some love and give you an idea of what has been going on in my head these past few days (in more than just one sentence thoughts).

I love this time of year. Yes it is hell fire hot. But we are at that time of summer where every evening the dark clouds build out east and south and we sit in anticipation, begging the clouds to break and give us a much needed respite from the heat. We know the storms at their worst can cause all kinds of damage, but there is something magical in the lightning and something so healing in the rain.

Lately, I have been feeling (and in talking to others I am not alone...) a similar yearning for a figurative storm to break. I can see dark clouds of life looming and can feel the "barometric pressure" closing in on me. I seem to drag myself: surviving the refining fire of the day, seeking but never finding a restful sleep, and waking exhausted to begin again. I think we are all yearning for the storm to break. We see the clouds of life hovering over us. How much worse will it get before we recieve the cooling drops of rain we long for?

The funny thing is: Its waiting for us. Unlike the rain that seems so fickle, so quick to disappoint, we have living water to rely on, to refresh us as the pressure builds. And it is there waiting for us to partake of it. All we gotta do is ask. So many times in my life, I have watched the storm clouds gather and waited and waited for the answers, for the healing to come. But I never thought to ask.

"....If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water." John 4:10

For all of us facing the storm, waiting for the cooling drops of rain to heal us... I think we are all aware that this is only the beginning of the long portent leading up to the return of our Savior. It will be difficult, so overwhelming. But we dont have to wait for his return to find respite and peace.... We just have to ask.

Pics from the 4th

We stopped in Globe to eat on our way to Grandpa's. I had to take a pic of the sign. It was classic.

At the parade. Reed was going nuts because of all the firetrucks.

Reed with Grandma, Papa and Abram.

Little boys dream day. Firetrucks.

At the end of the Thatcher program it is tradition that the fire trucks cool everyone off. Reed loved it. I tried to stay as far back as possible and still keep an eye on Reed. I still got wet anyway. This is when Reed finally realized he was cold and wet and needed a nap.

Yes, I have the cutest kid in the world.

Road trips with Nan are the best. We were having a great time being silly...Making up new song lyrics, telling boy stories, making jokes and trying hard not to pee ourselves. Reed was not quite so entertained by our antics.

Shamless Self Promoting....

After a very long hiatus....I have decided I should actually drum up some business for me so I actually get some use outta my education.... The few massages I have done lately have reminded me just why I love being a massage therapist. With that being said... I hope you excuse my shameless self promoting! (And in honor of the late Billy Mays...please read the following advertisement in you best professional yeller voice.)


Stressed? Are those tiny little muscles between your shoulder blades crying out for attention? Just need to run away from life for just a little while? A day at the spa is just not reasonable...especially in this economy. What do you do? Well....

Everyone is Family Here!

For a limited time, massage sessions are family rate for everyone! $40 a session. But wait, there's more.

As always, first time clients get 50% of their first visit.
$20 for a massage??? That's unheard of!!! But wait, there's more!

You may ask yourself, how can I "Lock in" that $20 massage rate??? Well, every time you refer a new client, you both get a half price massage!

Act now! And when you call ask about other treatment options.

• acupressure
• reflexology
• structural/deep tissue
• exfoliation scrubs ( a must for summertime)
• pariffin dips
• and more!

Ok so now we all know why I didn't ever follow through with that career in advertising. (I may have a talent for changing words to any song to fit any situation, but this is a totally different facet of advertising that is lost on me. And I worked for an incoming call center that took infomerical calls....) Anyway. If you want to set up an appointment, you can call and leave a voice mail @ 480-518-5067. I apologize ahead of time. I screen my phone calls, so if I dont recognize your number, I wont answer and if you dont leave a message, I wont call back.

Have a relaxing day!!!

In response to Anonymous....

A few days ago I got a comment from my "purge" entry, that I thought would be worth addressing. The comment reads as such:

I dont know you, I was just looking at some blogs and someone mentioned that this blog belonged to a member of the LDS church. Life is tough for sure and ya your son deserves a mom he can look up to. I had a close friend that was a member of the church and he stressed how you guys like to be Christ-like... Not gonna life if you are purging to get revenge that sucks and maybe your son deserves better. Not to bash, I dont know you or your situation, but maybe you should adopt a journal or something, because more people are reading than you realize. Im sure you are a woman of God, this kid I know is married to one of those too. It helps to have that example from you women who enhance those Christ-like attributes in your church because you guys carry a lot of the few left out there. I dont mean to offend just something I noticed. Good luck with everything I hope God blesses you with happiness in spite of life.

Well, Im not gonna lie to you either..... while I get the jist of what you are saying, you are all over the place. So I will attempt to make sense of the comment and address some of your concerns. Please understand, I am sincere in what I say, but I do have a sense of humor and cant help being surprised and humored by some remarks.

IF I understand correctly:
1. You believe I am motivated by revenge
2. You believe I am a bad example of what an LDS woman should be.
3. You believe my son deserves better.
4. You believe there are many more reading my blog than I realize and I should chose a different venue.

1. You believe I am motivated by revenge. I often write when frustrated, but I believe there is a vast difference between the two. I know that my thoughts and feelings are very raw and unfiltered. I do not believe in sugar coating my posts. There would be no point for me or my readers. Those who know me, recognize and appreciate my candor. Im sure my sentiments at times may seem coarse and far too revealing for the general public. (But realize there is much detail not revealed.) And this is my outlet. I can tell that you are young and hold very firm to strong ideals. I can appreciate that. But just because you hold high ideals doesn't mean others will live up to them. In fact, you will spend your life miserable because NO ONE WILL be able to.... INCLUDING YOURSELF. Perfection is just not practical, nor is it (I believe) part of the plan God has for us. (At least not during our time here on earth.... I will address this more in #2) Not all things in life are pretty. I dont believe in sweeping them under the carpet. They will still be there.... If we dont recognize our struggles we do not have nearly as much appreciation for life's beauty. And make no mistake, I love life. I am happy and I dont look for happiness "in spite of life" but celebrate it in full, both good and bad, because I try to learn what I can from ALL of life's experiences. An occasional purge or vent doesn't make me vindictive. It makes me human, with all the failings that go with it.

2. You believe I am a bad example for non- LDS Christians of what a good Mormon should be. My friends span the whole spectrum of faiths. Agnostic to LDS, Non Denominational Christian to Jewish. I find it so interesting and sadly humorous that the common BIG downfall for us all (myself included) is our fingers always pointing out each others shortcomings. Since this entry was so old, I assumed you may have read farther through other posts where I often try to find a lesson in the mundane experiences in life. You see... I am FLAWED!!! I am still learning. I make mistakes all the time and I will never claim to be a "perfect example" of what a member of the LDS church should be. But my dear, none of us are. We were not meant to be. You see the great overarching tenet of my faith, the LDS faith, is that Jesus died for me so that I could come to earth to become perfected "in Him". Not on my own. He is the only reason I can ever be perfect and that is a long time from now. My life here on earth is a school, and learning is a long process, and mistakes and failings are most often the catalyst for learning. I figure, if I am doing what I can to learn from all my mess-ups and relying on the power of my Savior's miraculous Atonement to grant me forgiveness for my mistakes and flaws and then rise above them to gain perspective and wisdom, then I am on the right track and my Savior will make up the difference. As a fellow Christian (I am assuming) I know you must realize we must all rely on the grace of God. I do not excuse my flaws, I do not justify my weaknesses--but I do not pretend they dont exist either. Instead, I try to use them as tools to help me better myself. But this is a LONG PROCESS.

3. You believe my son deserves better. I could not agree with you more! I cry frequently because I am unable to provide all he deserves. My choices brought him into less than ideal circumstances. I would give him all if I could. But that is not the way for any of us. I know that all the things he doesn't have and deserves will help to shape him in his own process of becoming. And I pray that God will continually bless him in my shortfalls.

4. You believe many more are reading this blog than I realize. It is possible. But I find it highly improbable. But I would not worry if they were. I love to blogsurf. Strangers who know a friend that knows a friend....the connections are endless. But what does that matter? Are we not all going through struggles and looking for a little outlet, a little wisdom or at least a little reassurance that we are not alone. That we are not just the "unfavorite Child of God". If someone, such as yourself, does happen stumble onto my blog -- I would hope that they have the wisdom to see it for what it is. A journal of ups and downs, mourning and rejoicing, expressing wisdom through hard lessons learned and frustration with the lesson one just doesn't quite grasp yet. It is just a chronicle of a mundane life, unremarkable at first sight, but inspiring in the raw perspective as it HONESTLY relates to the struggles in life and finds beauty for ashes.

I hope with this entry you look on me a little kinder. Single parenthood was far more difficult than I ever expected it to be, and don't think I was at all disillusioned. I knew it would be amazingly hard. If I could, I would love to trade "moccasins" for a day. Cause I never have downtime. If Im not working at work, I am working at home. My day doesn't end with the timeclock and my week doesn't end with Friday. My criticisms I suppose were more a cry for help from those I know would be reading (and probably with a critical eye, much like yours.) So next time you run into a single mom in your church or even just a mom in the grocery store with a screaming child, dont ask why she does what she does, ask what you can do to help. And even if she thanks you but says no, you will have made her day and she will ask to Lord to bless you as much as you blessed her just by the gesture.

My dear stranger, my unknown friend. I hope you dont read anything critical in my response, I just want to share a perspective with you (just as I try to do with all my readers). Now, I will leave you with your same blessing (just a little tweeked of course)... Good luck with everything. I hope God blesses you with happiness in all facets of life, both in ease and struggles.

How's that thread holdin?

Yesterday was a mix of many emotions, but the haunt of the previously mentioned quote about what our children will look back and say about us continued to echo. I believe I was not alone in my feelings and while muddled and all over the place, I will try to organize them into some semblance of logic.

I had the opportunity to visit my grandfather in Thatcher for July 3-4. We had a great visit though it was impossible to keep Reed outta trouble. One of the first things out of my Grandpa's mouth was, "when ya gonna run for public office?" I thought it was pretty funny, and was a little worried about all the other types of things I blog about that he had been reading.

Thatcher is one of those small towns that is a few decades behind, but that's what gives it charm. We were able to listen to their 4th of July program (which mom says hasn't changed in the last 20 years.) And while we laughed at the "parade" that included more people in it than people watching it, and tried not to fall over rolling because of the singing puppets and the "freedom band" that included a man playing the snare with a tuba on his shoulders... it was great to see that someone remembered to include sentiments reminding us of what we have and our responsiblity to maintain the freedom fought so diligently for us.

The program included the speech from Andrew Jackson's first inauguration. It brought to light just how far we have strayed from the founder's intentions:

In administering the laws of Congress I shall keep steadily in view the limitations
as well as the extent of the Executive power, trusting thereby to discharge thefunctions of my office without transcending its authority.

In such measures as I may be called on to pursue in regard to the rights of the
separate States I hope to be animated by a proper respect for those sovereign
members of our Union, taking care not to confound the powers they have
reserved to themselves with those they have granted to the Confederacy.

Oh that our current leaders followed his example.....



In addition, there were several musical numbers and here are just a few lines that struck me...

Who more than self their country loved...

Confirm thy soul in self-control, thy liberty in law.

Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!

Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just.

Land of the noble free...

Let mortal tongues awake, let all that breathe partake

Long may our land be bright with freedom's holy light. Protect us by thy might, Great God, our King!


Lately, I have had several discussions with friends, family and coworkers regarding the current status of our freedom. I have heard everything from feelings that "all is well" to "I just don't get into that stuff" to concern and to complete resignation. I agree that I have no solutions as we have let the progressive ideas infiltrate our Congress and even the position of President. I wonder that Obama could even take the oath of office without a lightning storm or roof caving in. I was sickened by his speech yesterday as he very craftily excused his and other leaders current "change" as being a part of what the founding fathers intended. And that he used our "unyielding spirit" as a call to forward HIS current agenda. I swear I screamed to the radio... "HOW DARE YOU!!!!, HOW DARE YOU!!!" Add to that our apathy has made it possible for Congress to easily secure their "job" for life.

Amanda and I drove home yesterday afternoon. We talked about Cap and Trade and Nationalized Health Coverage. We talked about the White Horse Prophecy and saving the Constitution that will hang by a thread. And unfortunately, the conclusion we came to was: "we have done this to ourselves and it will be almost impossible to undo it." I then thought about the Children of Israel in captivity. Maybe this is our wandering in the desert, maybe this is our years of captivity to once again bring a proud people back to their knees to praise our God whom so many have forgotten. This gave me hope.

So after all the books I have read, all the calls to action I have heard and all the time spent not really knowing what it is I could do, I realized what my part is. And yours for that matter. I realized, it is time to get down on my knees and sing praise to "our Father's God", "author of liberty." I believe as we recognize His role in our liberty, as we humble ourselves and return to the values of our fore-fathers, we will loose the chains of captivity that we are only beginning to feel bind us. Along with this prayer, another needs to be said for the inspiration of what we need to be actively doing on an individual level to help forward the cause of restoring our freedom and our country to the beautiful light on a hill that it once was. Another, to help soften the hearts of all Christian's to be willing to work together, no matter the sect, to be willing and able to unite in the cause. I believe we are our own worst enemies because of our "differences." We have much more in common than in differences....

Is it too simple? It seems so. But my faith tells me, that He is the only way. He is the only One that can provide us with the answers of How. He is the only One that can save us as he was the Author of Liberty. This is a promised land. And we have not been good stewards and we will continue to become more and more bound by the consequenses of our own indifference, our own dishonesty, our own choices. I believe that if we can all come together in sincere supplication for guidance out of our stuggles we will find answers and we will be safe. As we do all we can, we will be sheltered from the storm ahead. Will we be successful in restoring the what truly made America glorious? I do not know. Is this just one of the many tragic preludes to the second coming of our Savior? Probably.... But I can no longer sit idly by hoping that someone else finds a solution.....

Today.....

"Perhaps when Diana and I are old and gray we shall be able to laugh over them. But I feel that I can't expect to do it before then, for it has truly been a bitter disappointment."

"You'll probably have a good many more and worse disappointments than that before you get through life," said Marilla, who honestly thought she was making a comforting speech. "It seems to me, Anne, that you are never going to outgrow your fashion of setting your heart so on things and then crashing down into dispair because you don't get them."

"I know I'm too much inclined that way," agreed Anne ruefully. "When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts...it's like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud."

"Well, maybe it does," admitted Marilla. "I'd rather walk calmly along and do without both flying and thud. But everybody has her own way of living...I used to think there was only one right way...but since I've had you and the twins to bring up I don't feel so sure of it."

---Anne of Green Gables

Oh, that I had the wisdom of Marilla.....

Common Sense

I just finished Glenn Beck's Common Sense. I love, love, love Glenn. (We are on a first name basis.) I know many of you tire of my rambling on and on about politics and government, but HELLO GUYS!!! WE ARE LOOSING OUR COUNTRY!!! WE ARE LETTING PEOPLE TAKE AWAY OUR GOD GIVEN FREEDOMS because we are too busy, or we dont know where to start, or we dont like the dirtiness of politics. At this day and age, political discussion should not be considered taboo or coarse. We need to be speaking up and LOUDLY!!! We need to be teaching each other and our kids WHY this is so important. WHY they should work hard. WHY they are not ENTITLED. WHY a government with the power to give you all you want has the power to take everything from you.....

Go get yourself a copy, or if you dont want to buy it, Ill lend you mine, or buy you one. (The same offer still applies to the 5000 year leap.) Cause HELLO...

"One day we will face our children and grandchildren as they ask us what we found more important and valuable than freedom. They will ask if our big, unaffordable homes, "free" universal health care, and "buy it now" lifestyle were worth enslaving them for.

HOW WILL YOU ANSWER?

Just as we look back with pride and awe at what the generations before us did to preserve the cause of freedom, our children and grandchildren will look back at us. But should we now fail, it won't be with pride or awe, it will be with disgust. As they toil under oppressive taxes and tyrannical rule, they will continually question what we were so busy doing that we did not notice the stripping away of our freedoms and liberties. As they are forced to carry the yoke of servitude imposed by their domestic and foreign masters they will question why we did nothing. Did you not see it coming? They will wonder."

---Glenn Beck

Obama Bumpers

Tom posted one of these yesterday and I thought it was great. He sent me the link to where I could order it. When I went looking for it, I found a plethora of others that were just as wonderful. I thought I would share. And not to turn this into a commercial, but these are all available on http://www.zazzle.com/. ENJOY

PURGE!!!

Be forewarned that not everyone wants to read this entry. Im sure by now you know who you are. And while I was going to wait to write this til I was officially private. Im festering and seething right now. And I will not sleep if I dont purge myself from this.

That being said, the father will be mentioned and those who dont want to read this, will say I am being unfair, bitchy, or some other similar sentiment. Get over it! Ya wanna make him the victim, go ahead. I am done trying to be all nice and sweet without any kind of support or help from the donor or his family.

I read a lovely blog post today, regarding Reed's grandfather, who I happen to think very highly of. In response to this post, I made a comment. I dont have the exact message, but the basically it said, "That was so sweet, I too am very thankful for your dad, as he is a perfect example for Reed of what a good man should be." Unbeknownst to me, this spread like wildfire and I became a poriah because they all thought I was making commentary on Reed's father's parenting skills. Funny, the only way one would jump to that conclusion is if you knew his parenting skills were lacking and in some cases down right unacceptable. BUT-- I never mentioned the father, he never came to mind, I was just expressing my thanks to Reed's grandfather. Well, needless to say, I became quite the talk and received several less than happy messages from those who read my comment. I tried to explain, that I was not making commentary on the father. Just expressing gratitude. This explanation went unnoticed by most. So, since I am considered the villian. I figured I might as well play the part. That way, all those victims of my cruel comment can truely be the victims they want to be so badly.

--- I am the villian because I wouldn't interrupt my father's day plans to drive Reed over to see his dad. I ask, where is your father? Can he not bring you? What about the bus? After much running around trying to make sure that the father had his parenting time, I decided that it was not my responsibility. As clearly stated in the parenting plan, each parent will pick up the child when their parenting time starts. This was clearly explained long before father's day. Logical sure. I thought so.

--- I am the villian because I didn't wish the father a happy birthday. As we are no longer in a relationship, it slipped my mind. This was a much bigger deal than the times my birthday was forgotten when we were in a relationship.

--- I am a villian because for once in my life I am learning to stand up for myself. I decided I only needed to talk to the father when it pertained to Reed and visitation.

--- I am a villian because I get child support and now the father has to have a second job. Nevermind that I dont get his half of the day care or his half of the medical copays and deductables. I dont get money for the babysitters that I have to hire when he frequently chooses not to show up for his parenting time, and I need to get stuff done.

--- I am a villian because the grandma who lives far away doesn't ever get to see her grandchild. Im sorry, after paying for the day care and medical expenses that are you sons responsibility, I just dont have extra money for plane tickets....

Ya know, the list could go on and on. But somehow, I have just come to the conclusion, that I will always be the villian. Nevermind all the past crap, nevermind all the current crap. Im the villian.... And I suppose, if I must be, I better just learn to live it up.

Going private...

As much as I dont want to do this, its time. Going private is, I think, a pain in the butt for everyone. But in my high drama world, it was inevitable. Email me if you want to continue to follow. Or if I have your email, I will be sending out invitations...or whatever they are called.

Until then, peace out.

Dads lessons within the lesson

I didnt get a chance to write this blog earlier. But its only been a day so I dont feel too bad. I figured I would take a chance to give mad props to and to laugh a bit at my dad. So in a sorry attempt to celebrate what makes my dad, my dad, I will share with you just a few of the lessons I have learned from my dad... for some reason they were all outdoors!

1. The $5 lawn: Dad never let us being girls get in the way of us doing our part in the work outside. I cant count the number of times that he told us the story of a $5 lawn job. I guess back in the day, that meant you went above and beyond the basic mow. $5 isn't much these days, but in all the time spent mowing lawn, I dont think I have ever come close to achieving a $5 lawn. But the lesson was taught.... Take pride in your work. Work hard so that when you are finished you can stand back and be proud of the job you did. Do you work with the goal to achieve a $5 lawn.

2. Another 2 hours?: Growing up, we hated Saturday. Most kids loved Saturday, but not us. Saturday meant WEEDS. We hated that we had to spend most every Saturday morning pulling weeds and made sure he knew how much we hated it. His response? Another 2 hours... Our hours piled up so much faster than the weeds. And we complained all the more. We were slow to learn that it was much easier to just get the 2 hours done without complaining. But eventually, we got it. So now when faced with a job I really dont want to get done, whether at work or at home, I realize its just easier to get the job done and not spend so much time dreading it.

3. Wake up call: Being silly little girls, and having a night owl mother, we loved staying up late with mom during the summer. Poor dad hated this. He sometimes started work as early as 3 in the morning. The worst was when he happened to find us still awake when he getting up to go to work. When we were especially silly and loud, he would come in the the living room and growl at us. When this didn't work, we were taken outside. This was most effective in the winter (think Christmas vacation) He would let us know that if we couldn't be respectful of the one who worked to provide the roof over our head, we would temporarily lose it (the roof) until we understood and learned to shut up. I remember standing outside with Margie, shaking, barefoot while he explained why we needed to be quiet. We can laugh about this now.

4. Black River Tutorials: I alway love going to Black River with dad. It was one of the few times dad was super extravagant. Eating out on the way there and back. Treats when we stopped to get our fishing licenses. One on one time. Its funny how all those fishing trips were more than just fishing. Every story told (many times over), every encounter with nature, every meal prepared was a lesson. How to "set the hook", how to tie a certain knot, what to do when you come across a skunk, snake or even a bear or bear cub. I can even light a fire in pouring rain and keep it going. I can gut and fillet a fish (if I must) and I can cook it on my fire. More than that, the lessons became an overarching lesson of being self sufficient and being able to survive extreme conditions.

5. Plant a Garden: Dad always has a garden going. He always made us a part of the word somehow. Whether we helped plant or water or harvest, we were able to participate. Gardening was one of his big multi-lesson lessons. We learned to work, we got to see the rewards of hard work, we saw dad's example for following the words of the prophet, we grew up with a love for vegetables... most kids cant say they love turnips, spinach, tomatoes, broccoli.... neither can most adults.

Quote for the day

"The health of a nation is inversely proportionate to the number of laws needed to govern it."
-- Thomas Frey

Umm, if thats the case, I think we are in deep shit.

Arizona Activist!!

So yesterday Glenn Beck read a letter on his show from a woman in Arizona. It was directed to all of our nations leaders. I thought it was fabulous and worth a reprint. Please take the time to read this.

I'm a home grown American citizen, 53, registered Democrat all my life. Before the last presidential election I registered as a Republican because I no longer felt the Democratic party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. Now I no longer feel the Republican Party represents my views or works to purse issues important to me. The fact is I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. There must be someone. Please stand up and tell me that you are there and that you're willing to fight for our Constitution is it was written. Please stand up now. You might ask yourself what my views and issues are that I would horribly feel so disenfranchised by both major political parties. What kind of nut job am I? Will you please tell me?

Well, these are briefly my views and issues for which I seek representation:

One: Illegal Immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking of drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. PS, Im not a racist. This isn't to be confused with legal immigration.

Two: The Tarp Bill. I want it repealed and I want no futher funding supplied to it. We told you no, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.

Three: Czars. I want the cirumvention of our checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, no to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution and honor it.

Four: Cap and Trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There is more to say.

Five: Universal Healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night and then go on break. Slow down!

Six: Growing Government control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real obligations. Why don't you start there.

Seven: ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 Census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes. Stop funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do no trust them with taking the census over. I do not trust them with our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.

Eight: Redistribution of Wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs. That is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person. Why do you want me to hate my employers? Why -- what do you have against shareholders making a profit?

Nine: Charitable Contributions Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.

Ten: Corporate Bailouts Knock it off. Sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. Have you ever ripped off a Band-Aid? We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us a chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.

Eleven: Transparency and Accountability How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please try -- please stop manipulating and trying to appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from me.

Twelve: Unprecedented, quick spending STOP IT NOW!

Take a breath. Listen to the people. Let's just slow down and get some input from some nonpoliticians on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed reading our bills into law. I am not an activist. I am not a community organizer. Nor am I a terrorist, a militant or a violent person. I am a parent and a grandparent. I work. I'm busy. I'm busy. I am busy, and I am tired. I thought we elected competent people to take care of the business of government so that we could work, raise our families, pay our bills, have a little recreation, complain about taxes, endure our hardships, pursue our personal goals, cut our lawn, wash our cars on the weekends and be responsible contributing members of society and teach our children to be the same all while living in the home of the free and the land of the brave.

I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep you from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the debt that you have laid on all of us and our children. We did not want the TARP bill. We said NO. We would repeal it if we could. I am sure that we still cannot. There is such an urgency and recklessness in all of the recent spending.

From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our vacations, our time spent with our children, any relaxation time we may have had and money we cannot afford to spend on you to bring our concerns to Washington. Our president often knows all the right buzzword is unsustainable. Well, no kidding. How many tens of thousands of dollards did the focus group cost to come up with that word? We don't want your overpriced words. Stop treating us like we're morons.

We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we're so busy with our lives athat we will never come for you? We are the fomerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work, pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone and we are now looking up at you. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. That may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office. W have cancelled our vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn't ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced by someone who will. There are candidates among us and they will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution.

Democrat, Republican, independent, libertarian. Understand this. We don't care. Political parties are meaningless to us. Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution and that is all that matter to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you. If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be, one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for your? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. We the people are coming.

If you finished reading this through, I hope you got chills like I did. The author, Janet Contreras, of Arizona, said everything that I and many others have been feeling for a long time. I loved that she reminded all of us... with our busy lives that our time is worth giving to this cause of cleaning house. I hope this letter helped someone else feel the need to get involved. I know it did for me.

PS I apologize for any type-os. Im tired and instead of cutting and pasting like any sane person would, I instead typed it out....

Writers block

Postings are a bit sparce this month. Im experiencing writers block or something. No big ah-ha moments, no big laughs to relate. I cant even come up with any witty one liners for facebook. I was gonna post some cutie pics of Reed. But I cant even get that to work for me right now.

Ive been working on Reed's and my 72 hour kits and was going to give a rundown of putting it together... but its a bit of a work in progress and so the post will have to wait.

I had some other great ideas for posts... but have since forgot them. The ideas usually come late at night so I dont do anything about em. Maybe I wasn't really having great ideas, maybe I was just dreaming about having great ideas.... I have had vivid dreams lately.

Oh well, Im hoping it is just a phase.

Music Appreciation Day

Im a Parrothead. Granted, Jimmy entered my life as I began my descent into the fog. And unfortunately there are some not so proud moments that he provided the sountrack for. But Jimmy still holds a sweet place in my heart. Maybe cause he was singing about what I was so desperately looking for. Calm. Peace. Silly diversions. An escape from the real world. I think thats why there are so many die hard Parrotheads. Jimmy provides a mini vaca, a beach in your brain(without crowds or Cali smog)....a deep breath and perspective.

Since it is my Friday, I am feeling a big pull to shake of the remains of the work week and find this feeling. (Ive been searching all week....and failing miserably.) And while this sensation may be found much quicker with one of the margarita's made famous by another Jimmy song..... This will be sufficient. If you turn up the volume on your computer you will find my playlist. Topping the chart (as soon as I get home today, since I cant get on that website at work) is my favorite Jimmy Buffett song, ever. And that's saying something... cause Jimmy's Asshole Song, is killer funny.

All I gotta do is turn this song on and it transports me to another world. Overall its playful and upbeat, but the chorus brings you to a dreamy almost reminiscence of that One Particular Harbor -- though you have never been there...you have.

But there's one particular harbor
Sheltered from the wind
Where the children play on the shore each day
And all are safe within.

Most mysterious calling harbor
Sor far yet so near
I can see the day when my hair's full gray
And I finally disappear.

This is probably the most vivid of daydreams for me. Everytime I hear this song, I am instantly there. I swear my blood pressure drops, my neck and back muscles start to release their deathgrip flexion, and my breathing slows and deepens. So when things get crazy, come join me in my One Particular Harbor. AND ENJOY!

Stuck

Im having one of those "stuck" times. You know, those moments where you dont feel like you are active in your own life. You just float through the routine cause its easier than fixing stuff. I suppose thats not totally true. I had some major breakthrough moments these past few weeks and so I am here looking at the weight of what it all means and wondering, "What comes next?" I suppose you could say some long straggling loose ends were tied up...stuff that's been keeping me in the "stuck" times and now I dont quite know what to do with myself.

The other day I was talking with an old friend who has been through a lot since we were stupid kids in high school. (The most of it coming at her in the last couple years. ) And her reaction was, "I dont even know who I am anymore." She had lost a routine, a loved one and a way of life recently and replaced it all with new and different. At first, I thought it was strange. My reaction was to tell her not to try to put a label on stuff and realize we are all a work in progress, continually evolving. Funny how not 2 weeks later, I feel the same way. Not in a Who am I, where did I come from, where am I going sense. But in a "Who am I? Without all the labels and the daily activities that keep us so busy.... that don't really define who we are, even though we try to use them to describe us."

I dunno the more I think about it, the more I realize its kind of a stupid question to ask in the first place.... Too abstract to truly answer and too many variables to consider that effect the answer. Now my head hurts.

Wonder Woman!!

I am having a wonder woman kind of day. Maybe even last couple days...

--I think I am getting a cold, my voice is froggy, Im stuffy and I kinda have a headache.
--Work is slow and so the day is dragging...again.
--I got a big o mess of an apartment and laundry that needs attention.
--The father of Reed, who wishes to be nameless now, has pushed me to the point of pure rage. (He will now be known as Him who we do not speak of... or the donor...or I dunno any other suggestions?)
--I am lonely and need a date, just a reaffirmation that Im not a complete social retard.
--I am having a bad hair day, which is difficult as it is super short and I wear it messy and spikey on purpose. But the left side of my hair grows faster than the right and it makes me nutty nuts.
--The button on my pants fell off so I have been using a safety pin to keep it fastened, but because there is no button, the zipper wants to unzip... and if I bend down the safety pin pops open, becoming unsafe, and poking my belly.

But with all that crap, worries and responsibilities that swirl around like a whirlpool ready to pull me under.... Im feeling DAMN powerful today.

I put on a new shirt and noticed that while the cut tends to make it look like a maternity shirt, it does accentuate the not as fat as everywhere else part of my body that I rely on. It is the first time in a very long time I have not been crazy self conscious about the way I look. Add to that my pants feel big. And I start to wonder, Is it possible? Could I be shedding some of this weight?

I haven't been good about what I am eating, I haven't been taking my meds like I should, I pooped out of my exercising every day goal after about a week. But this little glimmer makes me wonder what could happen if I actually tried. YEAH!!!

Lovin the little things

Reed was especially cute this morning. I usually leave him sleeping in the morning while I get ready for work. When I walked into the room to wake him up, he was already awake, staring off into space. When he saw me he smiled. I started singing to him, as I usually do and he laughed. And laughed. It made my day.

Work today has been ordinary. While Im happy for no big crisis, it makes the day drag. I was happy for my lunch break. I had to stop at the store to return some t-shirts that were too BIG. YEAH. There is hope!!!

I went to El Pollo Loco for lunch and got me a BRC. I used to get these all the time when I worked in Tempe. In Tempe, a BRC stands for Beans, Rice and Cheese. This is what I was expecting. (Its on their dollar menu. Its cheap and good. Cant beat that) Apparently at the Pollo Loco on Power and the freeway today, BRC stands for Beans, Rice and Chicken. Jackpot!!! So I got a burro with yummy chicken in it, that would have cost me a few dollars in Tempe, for just 1.29.

Yes... It is the little things in life that help us dance on through the crap.

Domestic Goddess

My mom has been out of town playing with her bestest friend since forever and so I have been playing mommy to the fam. I have loved pretending to be a domestic goddess, trying out new recipes and cooking more than I have in I dont know how long. My favorite website is Recipezaar.com cause you type in ingredients and it will pull up recipes. So I have been able to use freezer stuff and pantry stuff to make all kinds of fun things.

It sucked to come back to work today. I could have stayed home and continued "playing" forever. Once again, I am faced with the reality that I was born in the wrong era. Damn all you women's libbers that made it almost impossible to be a stay at home mom. (Nevermind that my own choices didn't help my chances for that anyway...) Cause I like cooking and keeping house (even if Reed makes keeping it clean almost impossible.) I like baking cookies and perfecting my less than perfect culinary skills. I like my bra.... or at least what it does for me. Damn women's libbers.... Although I do appreciate some of what they accomplished, a lot of it did nothing for us and its sad to see their work go down the tubes as girls have cycled back to only being valued for their waif-like, unfeminine bodies and silicone breasts. But thats another blog for another day.

OH TO BE A HOUSEWIFE....

MoleAsses Cookie Recipe

Ok... So anytime my mom cooked with molasses, she would have to tell us some stupid joke about a family of moles. I really dont remember the story. Maybe they went out for a while, leaving dinner or cookies or something. So when they came back and walked into their hole, one of the family members said, MMM smells good. And the reply was.... "Well it smells like a bunch of MoleAsses to me." Anyway, writing up this recipe made me think of it. Ill have to ask my mom the real version of the story when she gets back into town.

MoleAsses Cookie Recipe (Soft and Reduced Fat Version)

3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 C molasses
1/2 C low-fat buttermilk (Isn't that an oxymoron?)
1/4 C vegetable oil
2 C flour
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 C sugar (I added this in cause I didnt want the cookies to be too bitter, but I dont think it really needed it.)

1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Dissolve baking soda in molasses in a large bowl.
3. Combine buttermilk with oil; stir into molasses mixture.
4. Combine flour, ginger, sugar and salt.
5. Add flour mixture into the molasses mixture.
6. Coat hand with cooking spray. (I just used water)
7. Shape dough into little balls and place 2 in apart. (FYI: The "dough" has a consistancy closer to cake batter. So don't be surprised if its sticky. Thus the cooking spray.)
8. Bake @ 375 for 10 min.

Glaze:
Combine in a zip-loc baggie:
1 C powdered sugar
1 T water
1/2 tsp vanilla
I noticed that the glaze was super thick and I didn't like it. I added 2 T water the second time and it was too watery. So I think its just a play it by ear thing on the water depending on how thick or thin you want your glaze to be.

Cut the corner of your zip-loc baggie and squirt glaze over top of cookies.
MMMM. ENJOY.

I suggest making these while watching Lonesome Dove or Open Range. That way you almost feel like you were a part of all the fun back then.

FYI

For anyone that saw James' temper tantrum on Facebook before I was able to remove it, Im sorry. I realize now its probably not a good idea for him to have access as a friend. It has been corrected.

Reeds morning

I cant wait til nap time. Reed has been especially fun this morning. He squirted his juicebox all over my bed. I usually limit his juicebox time by drinking half of it before I give it to him, but I was in a hurry to get in the shower so I just put the straw in and handed it to him. He LOVES juiceboxes because the become Old Faithful with just a squeeze. (And Old Faithful is right, cause without fail, if Im not watching him, he squirts it everywhere.)

The other big Reed fun this morning was that he discovered eggs. He gets into the fridge all the time, but this was the first time he actually took out the eggs, opened them up and decided that they looked like balls. AND THREW THEM. When I walked out of the bathroom from doing my hair...which takes about 10 min, he launched one right at me. I walked forward to the open fridge door and found half a dozen more broken on the ground. He had a big smile on his face and started playing in the yolk of one. I was supposed to be proud I guess.

I should have taken pics, I guess. Except I wasn't especially proud of the dirty floor underneath that would have been captured.

So for now I count down til nap time and then I can actually start my cleaning day without new messes to clean up.

Adenoid land

For Katie: Everyone give Katie and Derek (Marley) congrats on the arrival of baby boy #2, Weston.

I told Katie that I would give her a little more detail about Reed's surgery so it wont hurt my feelings if you just ignore this post from here on.

I listened to Reed snore from the time he was like a month old. It got progressively worse and was especially horrible if he had a cold. He would get mid-snore and then either stop breathing or make this horrible "water draining from the tub" sound. It was almost like the snore got stuck and he was trying to force it through. Eventually, he would gasp and kinda wake up. It freaked me out. The pediatrician gave us a prescription for Flonaise and I was supposed to squirt it up his nose at night. It was supposed to help shrink the size of his adenoids I guess. Well, that was a HUGE joke because IF I was lucky enough get it squirted up his nose, he went ballistic. All the crying just made him even stuffier and defeated the purpose of the Flonaise in the first place.

I relayed this to the Dr, who sent us to a pediatric ENT. He was fantastic (Too bad you aren't here in AZ, Id tell you to go to him). They took X-rays and verified that Yes, his adenoids were bigger than usual. Thus the surgery.

The first couple hours after the surgery were tough. He fussed and was pretty pissed coming out of the anesthesia. (Which the Dr said was normal for kids) Pretty quick though he started to get back to his old self. He hated the IV and kept trying to pull it out. But he ate better than he ever has for me at home. Originally, we were told he was so young we would have to stay in the hospital overnight, but at 6pm he was doing so well, the Dr let us go. Thank heavens.
He was prescribed antibiotics and pain killer. Which was difficult cause I had to try to find a way to hide it in his food or juice. (He wont take it alone)

About 2 days after the surgery the poor kid had meat breath. It was horrible. Most the time I was checking his diaper cause I thought he was pooey. No, it was his breath. It kinda had the smell of raw chicken that has been outside in the trashcan too long. YUCK. For a while, I had to turn away so he wasn't breathing directly at me. That lasted about 2 weeks.

There weren't any complications, it was a quick surgery, and there aren't any sutures or anything. And it seems to be very successful.

Every once in a while I hear him buzzing lightly, but any snoring (more of a hum really) is a full breath in and out. It doesn't get "stuck". I dont worry about him not being able to breathe at night. I dont stay up at night listening to him thinking, "I have to stay awake and listen or he will die in his sleep." Also, he doesn't breathe out of his mouth as much. So he looks a little less cromagnon than he did before. I think it is definately worth talking to the pediatrician about. If you have any more questions, let me know or even better email them to me so you dont have to go through the blog. blueyedmle@msn.com

Lion King

Lion King is playing in our waiting room today. As Scar was singing his little "be prepared" song, all I could think of was Obama.

Caution: Graphic images.

I needed a good different sweet snack today, so I bought Cinnamon Bears at Sprouts. MMMM. These Cinnamon Bears look exactly like the kind Gracie and I used to get in the waiting area at the hospital in Billings. We used to have play bear conversations and I remember some bears kissing at one point. We may have not liked each other much, but we did have fun at times. Memories.... Anyway, in scooping them out I accidentally semi-decapitated one of the poor little bears.

Another lesson from the fire-- Perspective

I realize the original thought that inspired the last blog entry was completely forgotten when I sat down to write the other day. So I will add it now.

As a was cleaning the soot off the wall, I looked up and noticed a huge spider web up in the corner. It was blackened like everything else. I looked around and found two other webs throughout the room, also dark with soot.

I always thought I was pretty good about cleaning up the corners of cobwebs, but the smoke from the fire had a way of really bringing to light some of the cobwebs that had been missed.

Hard times in life, like the fire, have a way of bringing out some of the little things that need attention. The little parts of our life like our character flaws or little bad habits, little idiosyncracies if youwill, that need cleaning or fine tuning can be magnified or highlighted during these times. And usually we do a couple of different things: We can either get discouraged and beat ourselves up for it, we can ignore that they were ever brought to our attention, or we can turn the trial into a learning experience and take the opportunity to correct our flaws.

With just a little effort, my sooty cobowebs were cleared away. Unfortunately, many of the metaphorical cobwebs require a little more time. But Im grateful for the subtle, kind reminder that there is still work to be done.