Thursday, March 25, 2010

When life's perils thick confound you

After several facebook pokes and a few concerned friends asking where I disappeared to, I figured it was time to update the old blog. With the new job has come a new schedule and whirlwind in general. Add to that, all the fun that life has recently added and I feel like sometimes don't have time to breathe.

A few weeks back I was at a funeral for one of my boys. Kale Clay was 25, just recently returned from Iraq and was a passenger in a head on collision. It so strange to lose another one of "my boys." Granted, I had not seen him in a long time, but its funny how the memories seem like they were yesterday. The nighttime lemonade stands, cooking dinner at all hours of the night, his stupid jokes and his sweet cuddle hugs. I was doing ok -- with the news and at the funeral. Its amazing how much stronger one is when you know this life isn't the end. But then the closing hymn at the funeral was God Be With You Til We Meet Again. I knew I was in trouble.

We got to the line...

When life's troubles thick confound you, put His arms unfailing round you...

And I fell apart. I was there. And part of me was envious that Kale was finished, part of me wanted to be back home, part of me wanted to not have to continue to push through the "thick" perils that seem to have moved in. Guests that have long worn out their welcome, but just dont seem to leave. Or when they do, they are quickly replaced with another. But I knew that I still have lots to do and lots to learn.

I have been in "robot mode" since. Just pushing through to the next day off... Doing my best to keep up with laundry, dishes, and Reed. I dont want to read people's blogs and hear how happy everything is in their life. I dont want to read their facebook posts and hear about the great things they do with their kids during the day. I dont even want to hear them complain either.... cause most the time I just wish that my problems were as easy to deal with as theirs are.

Oh, crap, the kids woke up at 530 this morning? Well, lucky you, you can have a nap when they do. I cant. Oh, darn, youre kid has the barfs? Mine too, but I get to clean up the mess after a hell day at work. Oh, you have a migraine? Me too... every day about 2 pm since they removed my thyroid. (Who knew a thyroid effected so many things? I sure as hell didn't!! Dry skin, sore muscles, exhaustion at all times, no appetite, nausea... Blah blah blah.)

Ok, so I realized this is a total downer of a post. Completely unintentional. This is not was I was expecting to write. It was supposed to be more of a focus on the ...put His arms unfailing round you... part of the song. And I promise, I am ok. I am just continuing to push forward and spending lots of time praying for strength that feels a little slow to show up.

Reed is my sunshine in all of this struggle. Its amazing how kids tune into what you need. (Granted he wants to act up more when stress is high, but he knows when to be sweet.) He cuddles and will pet my hair. His sweet face lights up when I get home from work. He keeps me focused on whats important and keeps me going.

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