Monday, October 13, 2008

Retraction...or clarification

Once again, this dumb blog has gotten me into trouble. So I must clarify for all those concerned about my frame of mind. (This is where I sigh and roll my eyes.) Previously I wrote that I wanted things for me to fall into place, like it does for Nan. I implied that I would like my love life to pan out as simply as her job situation. Very tongue-in-cheek, I included "a date, a quick engagement...." or something along those lines. AND caught Holy Hell for it. So let me explain. When I write a big ....LOL after I write something, it means I am kidding. I will elaborate so there is no confusion.

I would love for something of the sort to fall into place. It wont. I know it wont, so I can laugh about it. Even if I felt like I was in a stable enough place to want to really seriously start dating again (which Im not....I dont trust my taste in men.) But even if I was ready to start seriously dating again, the mother instinct would most likely get the better of me and I would find every flaw in the poor guys, because I want to protect Reed. And if I was able to find someone, I would still make sure that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. (Because I want to protect Reed) So for anyone questioning my judgement when I say i want a quick engagement.... Get over it. I was being silly. (thus the LOL) Im not looking to jump into something without weighing every little detail. (I have seen the consequences of others folly and lived my own... Thank you very much) I just realize its time to get back out there.

Back forever ago, when seriously considering marrying Shane, he straight forward asked me if I could be a mother to his sons. Of course, I quickly replied. This bothered him and he went on. We talked about having more kids and I said I wanted five boys. He said, we already have two and I said, no I want to have 5 of my own. He went ballistic. He wanted me to understand that if we were to get married (which we didn't-- not for this reason, others....) But if we were to get married, his boys would be my boys and there would be no distinction between families, no "stepmom" title, they would be mine. When I realized how serious he was about it and when I realized what he was really asking me, I began to really ponder whether I could do it or not. I took it very seriously and spent a long time delving inside myself to really know if I could be that kind of mom. Later, when I met his boys (after everything had fallen apart and they would not be mine) it broke my heart. Because they had become mine, in my heart, I had decided that I was going to be their mother and I mourned for the loss of MY BOYS, because I had spent so much time and energy coming to the conclusion that they would be mine. The short couple hours I got to spend with them is still precious to me and I can still remember everything that happened. How we played, what was said and the look on Tommy's face as he sat on the porch watching us drive away. I tear up just writing about it now. I swear I mourned that loss far greater than I did the loss of Shane in my life. (Maybe because by that time I had already mourned Shane, the boys just reopened old wounds....)

But my mourning is not the point. The point is, I learned a very important lesson, and now I can look back and see a reason behind the pain of the experience. I now truly understand what Shane was asking, I know why he was so serious about it. I know why he reacted the way he did. Because I have Reed. My decisions have consequences far beyond myself, my happiness. My son is included in it. And now as I begin to entertain the possibility of loving again, (as impossible as it seems, I am entertaining the idea) my thoughts trail back to that question Shane asked me and that question that will be on the forefront of my mind if I ever find someone to love again. Will he love Reed as if he was his own son? No, thats not even right. How do you put it with out an "AS IF". Its more will you be dad to Reed. No distinction, no step, just dad. Its a tough question, and a lot to ask. But its vital. I have seen step parents that have embraced this idea and I have seen step parents that make the distinction (my stepchild). It makes a huge difference.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: Any reentry into the dating scene will be cautious and with much thought and guidance by the spirit. No haphazard relationships, no quick engagements, no unprayerful decisions. But I am at a point that I need to get back out there. Like it or not.


Lisa M said...

Hey Emily -
I don't know if the knowledge will help but I never took what you said the wrong way.

Adam and Emily said...

Don't take to heart what people like to preach to others. You seem like a wonderful mom, and a very knowledgeable person. But to help those out there who don't know a joke, maybe you should post a list of computer jargin... you know for future reference! LOL! (wait what's that mean again?)
And I really enjoy reading your ramblings!