Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Welcome to What If Wonderland....

So before I start spouting out the most horrible realities of the inner workings of my brain, I must, must preface it with this. I love my son. More than I thought was possible. My days, my nights, my downtime (is there any anymore) all revolve around him. With that said I will continue.

So for some reason my head has been spinning with the what ifs of my life. I think I am looking back on the wasted time since I graduated high school. Scratch that, since I got my AA and AGS. I suppose you could even give myself a little credit for my mission. So I am looking back on the wasted time since I returned from Montana.

I have to admit the things that happened right when I got home seemed to start me on some crazy roller coaster or some other barf inducing ride. But whatever the catalyst, the effect has been the same. I lost about 6 or 7 (has it really been 7) years of my life. My mom counts it up to depression, too many years without medication or something of the sort and I suppose that has something to do with it. But now that I have no time of my own, I look back longingly at a few years back when I had all the time in the world and for some reason, let it waste away. I accomplished so very little. So now I live in what if land. What if I would have gone to ASU as planned after I got my AA/AGS? Would I have my Psyc. degree? Would I actually have a decent career? Why did I not continue with school? (Sure I have my Massage License, that I dont really use.... but what good has that been?)
Add to that my damaged heart.... What if I would have married Shane? Would we already be divorced like my dad predicted? Or did I let my hesitation push away "the one". Mind you, I dont really believe in "the one". Seems like a load of shit to me. But is that cause I dont wanna admit I let it go, or is it because I haven't found it yet. DUNNO...
All I know is I am living in a cesspool of what if that is killing me. I wouldn't trade Reed for anything, but I would love for the circumstances to be different.
And as I sit here putting together the final pieces of info for my bankruptcy, I think, damn it... I could be buying a house right now. This is the perfect time to buy. I need the room for Reed. But I cant buy because I let myself get dragged into a fog so that I couldn't see what was happening on any level of my life until I ended up 50 grand in debt for a man that never saw me as anything more that a meal/meth ticket. And it makes me wonder, Is that all I ever saw myself as? Was I in such a low spot in my life after Shane, that I ended up trying to buy (on credit) James' love.
This also makes me a skeptic for anything good that comes around. Maybe it was the guy my sister tried to hook me up with that just didn't take for me, and that a year later ended up going to prison for molesting his scout troop. Or maybe the other man nightmares have all just piled up on each other and I am left wondering if there are any decent men alive that arent total messes, that act like grown ups. (Anybody know any? Im taking resumes)

I just hope all of this is just because I am in major transition right now. In the middle of child support paperwork and bankruptcy paperwork. In the middle of a job I dont like and get paid very little for. (Im worth so much more... HA HA) Im in the middle of waiting for the storm to clear. Does it ever, really?? Nope, didn't think so. So WOO HOO, time to pull myself up by my proverbial boot straps and forge ahead. And work my ass off, work my ass of like theres no tomorrow to make sure the next 7 years aren't wasted too!!!


greg and laurie said...

Sweet Emily - don't let the "what if's" dictate your today. We could (and sometimes do) wallow in that cess-pool, but what a yucky place to be. You have much to be gratefule for and a beautiful future ahead of you. That sounds more like a lecture than I wanted it to. I just felt sad when I read your post and wanted you to know that it can and will be better. Stay close to the Lord and He will guide your foot-steps. love ya'
LG Christensen

Jenn said...

Just so you know, your not alone, and my mom gives me the same advice, as she did you. Just think, maybe this is the worst its going to be, and it can only get better! (that's what I tell myself anyways:)