Just another grouch session....

So James didnt take Reed this weekend. He has been sick. But this happens more frequently than ever and so I start to wonder. Is he sick? This was his classic excuse when he was using. So now I am sick, my stomach churning, all kinds of doubts invading my peace of mind. Is he using? God, no please no. So I finally get the nerve to ask him for a piss test. And I got a refusal and the retort "will I have to take a test every time I get sick." For now I guess the answer is yes. I dont understand why he cant see why I need the reassurance. And I was given the promise that I could request one whenever I needed it. A refusal might as well be a confession. My stomach still churns. Do I go to his work to get one? He knows Im suspiscious. If I wait too long it wont show. Meth only shows up in the system for 3 days.
For now I just let him know that until I saw a clean result, he wouldn't be able to see Reed. I think more than anything Im heartbroken. I want him to be clean. For Reed, for me, for himself. Mostly because I love the clean him. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. When he is clean James, he is amazing. But I cant risk myself, Reed, our futures on the hopes that the clean James will stay for long. And I am deathly afraid of Meth James. I know his powers and I hate him.
James knows this is his last chance. If he shows up positive ever again, he will never see Reed again. I will make sure of it. So why risk it? I cant imagine he ever would. So the thought of having to test him seems ubsurd. BUT I KNOW I NEED TO. I just pray its negative.