Tragic necessity? Aren't we being a little too dramatic?

The quote of the day reads:

One realizes that human relationships are the tragic necessity of human life, that they can never be wholly satisfactory, that every ego is half the time greedily seeing them, and half the time pulling away from them.
---Willa Cather

Now my friend Willa was quite an interesting character. What she writes (both in her books and the random quotes from her I have read) reveals a lot about her. And many presume that she preferred to "taste the rainbow" so to speak. But as much as this quote is crazy revealing and seems on the bitter side of life, the more I read it, the more I tend to agree.

Relationships in all forms seem to be an awkward kind of dance to reach a comfortable middle ground from both participants. Add to that, each individual is constantly evolving, making the definition of what exactly is the middle ground just as fuzzy. I have seen the tug and pull that she refers to. I have been the seeker and I have been the one pulling away, as we all have at some point. No real lesson or overarching sum up. Just one of those human nature things that makes one laugh cause we are all so silly. Does that make it them a "tragic" necessity? I dont think so. It sure keeps life interesting.

Represent....

On my computer at work, I have a quote:

You are called to represent the Savior. Your voice to testify becomes the same as His voice, your hands to lift the same as His hands. His work is to bless His Father's spirit children with the opportunity to choose eternal life. So, your calling is to bless lives. Your call has eternal consequences for others and for you. In the world to come, thousands may call your name blessed, even more than the people you serve here. They will be the ancestors and the decendants of those who chose eternal life because of something you said or did, or even what you were... You see, there are no small callings to represent the Lord.
---Henry B Eyring (who just happens to be my favorite)


So, today, instead of watching the clock tick ever so slowly on, I found myself reading through this quote. I read it often. But today, I kinda read it in opposite perspective. What about all those depending on my voice, my hands, my example.... when I choose NOT to speak, or choose NOT to help, or choose NOT to be a good example. In the world to come, thousands may call my name in disappointment, asking why I did nothing. They were counting on me and I chose wrong.

For a long time, my friend at Greenfield and Southern has been on my mind. I never knew his name but I would see him outside of Walgreen's or McDonalds frequently. If I was in the drive thru getting a breakfast burrito, I got two. He always said thanks, but I never took much time to talk to him (as I was always on my way to work or in a hurry) and now he is gone. I worried when I saw his things strewn about. I worried even more when I drove past and his things were completely gone. All I can think now is, What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to? Did I do enough? I thought maybe I should ask inside the local businesses to see if they knew where my friend went to... But part of me is afraid to ask. And then there is another part of me that thinks maybe just maybe if he is really gone, that is not a bad thing at all. But I am still afraid to ask... And there is still no sign of my friend.

For a long time and even still, I look at my time in Montana as a big waste or at least purely selfish. I feel like I gained a bunch ( not just weight, but life lessons) but I wasn't able to really feel successful in helping others... As I look at the list of baptisms and reactivations, none seemed to stay strong and quickly moved on to other philosophies. (Shoot even I kinda lost what I learned there for a while...) And while I felt such a strong prompting almost audible telling me, "You need to go now or it will be too late and then it wont really matter", there was and is no obvious reason for the specific time frame. I still dont know the reasons for all that happened in Montana. But it is another situation that I look back on and ask: What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to do? Did I do enough"

I guess this is a backwards call to action of sorts. For you and for me. I guess its time to really REPRESENT. But not just in name only. I have always been one that says that all the scripture reading, family night lessons, and prayers in the world are useless if you are not kind and look on your neighbors with a critical eye. In the end, love is the ultimate lesson. And love is a verb. And while, I highly doubt any would call my name blessed, I never want to be in the position to have people ask why I didn't speak, help or live my religion when I should have.

Oh, Orson! (my favorite brooding manly man)

"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." -Mr. Rochester, Chapter 23, pg. 221

This is my favorite, favorite part of Jane Eyre. And while I attempt to read thewhole book now and again(not just this chapter), nothing brings it more to life than watching the Orson Welles verison. (sigh)

So to all who think my heart has shriveled and am forever doomed to the titles of cynic, pessimist or "bitter: party of one"... here is proof it hasn't and there is hope, though I have had moments of bleeding inwardly.

Addendum

Just a little side note for laughs. After writing about waiting and waiting for the storm, it finally broke! It woke me this morning about 4 and was it amazing!!!

Watching the storm

It seems with the discovery of Facebook, I have neglected my much loved blog. I will now attempt to give it some love and give you an idea of what has been going on in my head these past few days (in more than just one sentence thoughts).

I love this time of year. Yes it is hell fire hot. But we are at that time of summer where every evening the dark clouds build out east and south and we sit in anticipation, begging the clouds to break and give us a much needed respite from the heat. We know the storms at their worst can cause all kinds of damage, but there is something magical in the lightning and something so healing in the rain.

Lately, I have been feeling (and in talking to others I am not alone...) a similar yearning for a figurative storm to break. I can see dark clouds of life looming and can feel the "barometric pressure" closing in on me. I seem to drag myself: surviving the refining fire of the day, seeking but never finding a restful sleep, and waking exhausted to begin again. I think we are all yearning for the storm to break. We see the clouds of life hovering over us. How much worse will it get before we recieve the cooling drops of rain we long for?

The funny thing is: Its waiting for us. Unlike the rain that seems so fickle, so quick to disappoint, we have living water to rely on, to refresh us as the pressure builds. And it is there waiting for us to partake of it. All we gotta do is ask. So many times in my life, I have watched the storm clouds gather and waited and waited for the answers, for the healing to come. But I never thought to ask.

"....If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water." John 4:10

For all of us facing the storm, waiting for the cooling drops of rain to heal us... I think we are all aware that this is only the beginning of the long portent leading up to the return of our Savior. It will be difficult, so overwhelming. But we dont have to wait for his return to find respite and peace.... We just have to ask.

Pics from the 4th

We stopped in Globe to eat on our way to Grandpa's. I had to take a pic of the sign. It was classic.

At the parade. Reed was going nuts because of all the firetrucks.

Reed with Grandma, Papa and Abram.

Little boys dream day. Firetrucks.

At the end of the Thatcher program it is tradition that the fire trucks cool everyone off. Reed loved it. I tried to stay as far back as possible and still keep an eye on Reed. I still got wet anyway. This is when Reed finally realized he was cold and wet and needed a nap.

Yes, I have the cutest kid in the world.

Road trips with Nan are the best. We were having a great time being silly...Making up new song lyrics, telling boy stories, making jokes and trying hard not to pee ourselves. Reed was not quite so entertained by our antics.

Shamless Self Promoting....

After a very long hiatus....I have decided I should actually drum up some business for me so I actually get some use outta my education.... The few massages I have done lately have reminded me just why I love being a massage therapist. With that being said... I hope you excuse my shameless self promoting! (And in honor of the late Billy Mays...please read the following advertisement in you best professional yeller voice.)


Stressed? Are those tiny little muscles between your shoulder blades crying out for attention? Just need to run away from life for just a little while? A day at the spa is just not reasonable...especially in this economy. What do you do? Well....

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For a limited time, massage sessions are family rate for everyone! $40 a session. But wait, there's more.

As always, first time clients get 50% of their first visit.
$20 for a massage??? That's unheard of!!! But wait, there's more!

You may ask yourself, how can I "Lock in" that $20 massage rate??? Well, every time you refer a new client, you both get a half price massage!

Act now! And when you call ask about other treatment options.

• acupressure
• reflexology
• structural/deep tissue
• exfoliation scrubs ( a must for summertime)
• pariffin dips
• and more!

Ok so now we all know why I didn't ever follow through with that career in advertising. (I may have a talent for changing words to any song to fit any situation, but this is a totally different facet of advertising that is lost on me. And I worked for an incoming call center that took infomerical calls....) Anyway. If you want to set up an appointment, you can call and leave a voice mail @ 480-518-5067. I apologize ahead of time. I screen my phone calls, so if I dont recognize your number, I wont answer and if you dont leave a message, I wont call back.

Have a relaxing day!!!

In response to Anonymous....

A few days ago I got a comment from my "purge" entry, that I thought would be worth addressing. The comment reads as such:

I dont know you, I was just looking at some blogs and someone mentioned that this blog belonged to a member of the LDS church. Life is tough for sure and ya your son deserves a mom he can look up to. I had a close friend that was a member of the church and he stressed how you guys like to be Christ-like... Not gonna life if you are purging to get revenge that sucks and maybe your son deserves better. Not to bash, I dont know you or your situation, but maybe you should adopt a journal or something, because more people are reading than you realize. Im sure you are a woman of God, this kid I know is married to one of those too. It helps to have that example from you women who enhance those Christ-like attributes in your church because you guys carry a lot of the few left out there. I dont mean to offend just something I noticed. Good luck with everything I hope God blesses you with happiness in spite of life.

Well, Im not gonna lie to you either..... while I get the jist of what you are saying, you are all over the place. So I will attempt to make sense of the comment and address some of your concerns. Please understand, I am sincere in what I say, but I do have a sense of humor and cant help being surprised and humored by some remarks.

IF I understand correctly:
1. You believe I am motivated by revenge
2. You believe I am a bad example of what an LDS woman should be.
3. You believe my son deserves better.
4. You believe there are many more reading my blog than I realize and I should chose a different venue.

1. You believe I am motivated by revenge. I often write when frustrated, but I believe there is a vast difference between the two. I know that my thoughts and feelings are very raw and unfiltered. I do not believe in sugar coating my posts. There would be no point for me or my readers. Those who know me, recognize and appreciate my candor. Im sure my sentiments at times may seem coarse and far too revealing for the general public. (But realize there is much detail not revealed.) And this is my outlet. I can tell that you are young and hold very firm to strong ideals. I can appreciate that. But just because you hold high ideals doesn't mean others will live up to them. In fact, you will spend your life miserable because NO ONE WILL be able to.... INCLUDING YOURSELF. Perfection is just not practical, nor is it (I believe) part of the plan God has for us. (At least not during our time here on earth.... I will address this more in #2) Not all things in life are pretty. I dont believe in sweeping them under the carpet. They will still be there.... If we dont recognize our struggles we do not have nearly as much appreciation for life's beauty. And make no mistake, I love life. I am happy and I dont look for happiness "in spite of life" but celebrate it in full, both good and bad, because I try to learn what I can from ALL of life's experiences. An occasional purge or vent doesn't make me vindictive. It makes me human, with all the failings that go with it.

2. You believe I am a bad example for non- LDS Christians of what a good Mormon should be. My friends span the whole spectrum of faiths. Agnostic to LDS, Non Denominational Christian to Jewish. I find it so interesting and sadly humorous that the common BIG downfall for us all (myself included) is our fingers always pointing out each others shortcomings. Since this entry was so old, I assumed you may have read farther through other posts where I often try to find a lesson in the mundane experiences in life. You see... I am FLAWED!!! I am still learning. I make mistakes all the time and I will never claim to be a "perfect example" of what a member of the LDS church should be. But my dear, none of us are. We were not meant to be. You see the great overarching tenet of my faith, the LDS faith, is that Jesus died for me so that I could come to earth to become perfected "in Him". Not on my own. He is the only reason I can ever be perfect and that is a long time from now. My life here on earth is a school, and learning is a long process, and mistakes and failings are most often the catalyst for learning. I figure, if I am doing what I can to learn from all my mess-ups and relying on the power of my Savior's miraculous Atonement to grant me forgiveness for my mistakes and flaws and then rise above them to gain perspective and wisdom, then I am on the right track and my Savior will make up the difference. As a fellow Christian (I am assuming) I know you must realize we must all rely on the grace of God. I do not excuse my flaws, I do not justify my weaknesses--but I do not pretend they dont exist either. Instead, I try to use them as tools to help me better myself. But this is a LONG PROCESS.

3. You believe my son deserves better. I could not agree with you more! I cry frequently because I am unable to provide all he deserves. My choices brought him into less than ideal circumstances. I would give him all if I could. But that is not the way for any of us. I know that all the things he doesn't have and deserves will help to shape him in his own process of becoming. And I pray that God will continually bless him in my shortfalls.

4. You believe many more are reading this blog than I realize. It is possible. But I find it highly improbable. But I would not worry if they were. I love to blogsurf. Strangers who know a friend that knows a friend....the connections are endless. But what does that matter? Are we not all going through struggles and looking for a little outlet, a little wisdom or at least a little reassurance that we are not alone. That we are not just the "unfavorite Child of God". If someone, such as yourself, does happen stumble onto my blog -- I would hope that they have the wisdom to see it for what it is. A journal of ups and downs, mourning and rejoicing, expressing wisdom through hard lessons learned and frustration with the lesson one just doesn't quite grasp yet. It is just a chronicle of a mundane life, unremarkable at first sight, but inspiring in the raw perspective as it HONESTLY relates to the struggles in life and finds beauty for ashes.

I hope with this entry you look on me a little kinder. Single parenthood was far more difficult than I ever expected it to be, and don't think I was at all disillusioned. I knew it would be amazingly hard. If I could, I would love to trade "moccasins" for a day. Cause I never have downtime. If Im not working at work, I am working at home. My day doesn't end with the timeclock and my week doesn't end with Friday. My criticisms I suppose were more a cry for help from those I know would be reading (and probably with a critical eye, much like yours.) So next time you run into a single mom in your church or even just a mom in the grocery store with a screaming child, dont ask why she does what she does, ask what you can do to help. And even if she thanks you but says no, you will have made her day and she will ask to Lord to bless you as much as you blessed her just by the gesture.

My dear stranger, my unknown friend. I hope you dont read anything critical in my response, I just want to share a perspective with you (just as I try to do with all my readers). Now, I will leave you with your same blessing (just a little tweeked of course)... Good luck with everything. I hope God blesses you with happiness in all facets of life, both in ease and struggles.

How's that thread holdin?

Yesterday was a mix of many emotions, but the haunt of the previously mentioned quote about what our children will look back and say about us continued to echo. I believe I was not alone in my feelings and while muddled and all over the place, I will try to organize them into some semblance of logic.

I had the opportunity to visit my grandfather in Thatcher for July 3-4. We had a great visit though it was impossible to keep Reed outta trouble. One of the first things out of my Grandpa's mouth was, "when ya gonna run for public office?" I thought it was pretty funny, and was a little worried about all the other types of things I blog about that he had been reading.

Thatcher is one of those small towns that is a few decades behind, but that's what gives it charm. We were able to listen to their 4th of July program (which mom says hasn't changed in the last 20 years.) And while we laughed at the "parade" that included more people in it than people watching it, and tried not to fall over rolling because of the singing puppets and the "freedom band" that included a man playing the snare with a tuba on his shoulders... it was great to see that someone remembered to include sentiments reminding us of what we have and our responsiblity to maintain the freedom fought so diligently for us.

The program included the speech from Andrew Jackson's first inauguration. It brought to light just how far we have strayed from the founder's intentions:

In administering the laws of Congress I shall keep steadily in view the limitations
as well as the extent of the Executive power, trusting thereby to discharge thefunctions of my office without transcending its authority.

In such measures as I may be called on to pursue in regard to the rights of the
separate States I hope to be animated by a proper respect for those sovereign
members of our Union, taking care not to confound the powers they have
reserved to themselves with those they have granted to the Confederacy.

Oh that our current leaders followed his example.....



In addition, there were several musical numbers and here are just a few lines that struck me...

Who more than self their country loved...

Confirm thy soul in self-control, thy liberty in law.

Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!

Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just.

Land of the noble free...

Let mortal tongues awake, let all that breathe partake

Long may our land be bright with freedom's holy light. Protect us by thy might, Great God, our King!


Lately, I have had several discussions with friends, family and coworkers regarding the current status of our freedom. I have heard everything from feelings that "all is well" to "I just don't get into that stuff" to concern and to complete resignation. I agree that I have no solutions as we have let the progressive ideas infiltrate our Congress and even the position of President. I wonder that Obama could even take the oath of office without a lightning storm or roof caving in. I was sickened by his speech yesterday as he very craftily excused his and other leaders current "change" as being a part of what the founding fathers intended. And that he used our "unyielding spirit" as a call to forward HIS current agenda. I swear I screamed to the radio... "HOW DARE YOU!!!!, HOW DARE YOU!!!" Add to that our apathy has made it possible for Congress to easily secure their "job" for life.

Amanda and I drove home yesterday afternoon. We talked about Cap and Trade and Nationalized Health Coverage. We talked about the White Horse Prophecy and saving the Constitution that will hang by a thread. And unfortunately, the conclusion we came to was: "we have done this to ourselves and it will be almost impossible to undo it." I then thought about the Children of Israel in captivity. Maybe this is our wandering in the desert, maybe this is our years of captivity to once again bring a proud people back to their knees to praise our God whom so many have forgotten. This gave me hope.

So after all the books I have read, all the calls to action I have heard and all the time spent not really knowing what it is I could do, I realized what my part is. And yours for that matter. I realized, it is time to get down on my knees and sing praise to "our Father's God", "author of liberty." I believe as we recognize His role in our liberty, as we humble ourselves and return to the values of our fore-fathers, we will loose the chains of captivity that we are only beginning to feel bind us. Along with this prayer, another needs to be said for the inspiration of what we need to be actively doing on an individual level to help forward the cause of restoring our freedom and our country to the beautiful light on a hill that it once was. Another, to help soften the hearts of all Christian's to be willing to work together, no matter the sect, to be willing and able to unite in the cause. I believe we are our own worst enemies because of our "differences." We have much more in common than in differences....

Is it too simple? It seems so. But my faith tells me, that He is the only way. He is the only One that can provide us with the answers of How. He is the only One that can save us as he was the Author of Liberty. This is a promised land. And we have not been good stewards and we will continue to become more and more bound by the consequenses of our own indifference, our own dishonesty, our own choices. I believe that if we can all come together in sincere supplication for guidance out of our stuggles we will find answers and we will be safe. As we do all we can, we will be sheltered from the storm ahead. Will we be successful in restoring the what truly made America glorious? I do not know. Is this just one of the many tragic preludes to the second coming of our Savior? Probably.... But I can no longer sit idly by hoping that someone else finds a solution.....

Today.....

"Perhaps when Diana and I are old and gray we shall be able to laugh over them. But I feel that I can't expect to do it before then, for it has truly been a bitter disappointment."

"You'll probably have a good many more and worse disappointments than that before you get through life," said Marilla, who honestly thought she was making a comforting speech. "It seems to me, Anne, that you are never going to outgrow your fashion of setting your heart so on things and then crashing down into dispair because you don't get them."

"I know I'm too much inclined that way," agreed Anne ruefully. "When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts...it's like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud."

"Well, maybe it does," admitted Marilla. "I'd rather walk calmly along and do without both flying and thud. But everybody has her own way of living...I used to think there was only one right way...but since I've had you and the twins to bring up I don't feel so sure of it."

---Anne of Green Gables

Oh, that I had the wisdom of Marilla.....