PURGE!!!

Be forewarned that not everyone wants to read this entry. Im sure by now you know who you are. And while I was going to wait to write this til I was officially private. Im festering and seething right now. And I will not sleep if I dont purge myself from this.

That being said, the father will be mentioned and those who dont want to read this, will say I am being unfair, bitchy, or some other similar sentiment. Get over it! Ya wanna make him the victim, go ahead. I am done trying to be all nice and sweet without any kind of support or help from the donor or his family.

I read a lovely blog post today, regarding Reed's grandfather, who I happen to think very highly of. In response to this post, I made a comment. I dont have the exact message, but the basically it said, "That was so sweet, I too am very thankful for your dad, as he is a perfect example for Reed of what a good man should be." Unbeknownst to me, this spread like wildfire and I became a poriah because they all thought I was making commentary on Reed's father's parenting skills. Funny, the only way one would jump to that conclusion is if you knew his parenting skills were lacking and in some cases down right unacceptable. BUT-- I never mentioned the father, he never came to mind, I was just expressing my thanks to Reed's grandfather. Well, needless to say, I became quite the talk and received several less than happy messages from those who read my comment. I tried to explain, that I was not making commentary on the father. Just expressing gratitude. This explanation went unnoticed by most. So, since I am considered the villian. I figured I might as well play the part. That way, all those victims of my cruel comment can truely be the victims they want to be so badly.

--- I am the villian because I wouldn't interrupt my father's day plans to drive Reed over to see his dad. I ask, where is your father? Can he not bring you? What about the bus? After much running around trying to make sure that the father had his parenting time, I decided that it was not my responsibility. As clearly stated in the parenting plan, each parent will pick up the child when their parenting time starts. This was clearly explained long before father's day. Logical sure. I thought so.

--- I am the villian because I didn't wish the father a happy birthday. As we are no longer in a relationship, it slipped my mind. This was a much bigger deal than the times my birthday was forgotten when we were in a relationship.

--- I am a villian because for once in my life I am learning to stand up for myself. I decided I only needed to talk to the father when it pertained to Reed and visitation.

--- I am a villian because I get child support and now the father has to have a second job. Nevermind that I dont get his half of the day care or his half of the medical copays and deductables. I dont get money for the babysitters that I have to hire when he frequently chooses not to show up for his parenting time, and I need to get stuff done.

--- I am a villian because the grandma who lives far away doesn't ever get to see her grandchild. Im sorry, after paying for the day care and medical expenses that are you sons responsibility, I just dont have extra money for plane tickets....

Ya know, the list could go on and on. But somehow, I have just come to the conclusion, that I will always be the villian. Nevermind all the past crap, nevermind all the current crap. Im the villian.... And I suppose, if I must be, I better just learn to live it up.

Going private...

As much as I dont want to do this, its time. Going private is, I think, a pain in the butt for everyone. But in my high drama world, it was inevitable. Email me if you want to continue to follow. Or if I have your email, I will be sending out invitations...or whatever they are called.

Until then, peace out.

FYI

For anyone that saw James' temper tantrum on Facebook before I was able to remove it, Im sorry. I realize now its probably not a good idea for him to have access as a friend. It has been corrected.

Hells Kitchen

I set my kitchen on fire. OOPS. So this one's for you Jeanne. I was just getting back from the grocery store. Had a handful of groceries and a grouchy kid. Sent my sister w/said grouchy kid into my parents house. I went the the apartment w/groceries. I dropped purse and groceries that didn't need to be refrigerated onto floor next to my oven, put the eggs, milk and cheese into the fridge. Walked outside and into parents house. Said to my little sis, hey go get the leftovers from last night out of my apartment. I start a bath for Reed. She did, next thing I know, she comes running into the house to tell me my kitchen is on fire. I tell her to stay with Reed, run to the apartment find my range on fire, lots of black smoke, smell of burning plastic as I was draining clean sippy cups in my dish rack on top of said range.

Turns out, when dopping groceries and purse next to stove, my purse strap got caught on the back burner knob of my range. It turned on. I was in and then out so didn't notice anything. Because Millie went right out to get dinner from my room, she was able to catch it in time. She didn't know what to do, so she came and got me who just happened to have a fire extinguisher that was given to me by the Rural Metro Fire guy that inspects our fire extinguishers at work. Coincidental... I think not. Millie going out to my apartment to get me something, just after I came in? Happenstance?... nope. (Although, I end up making the girls do this all the time the poor things.) Me being calm enough to actually figure out how to make the fire extinguisher work... MIRACLE.

So the only damage consists of:

1. My back burner needs to be replaced as it is now covered in melted sippy cups.
2. The brand new sippy cups I just bought are melted to above mentioned burner.
3. A flame kissed pine shelf above the range. (I think it adds personality actually)
4. A wall that after being washed down, still has black residue in corners.

Tomorrow....Ill explain:

What was "gained" in the fire.....

Desperado

HAHA I wrote the other entry too soon. My musical day has come full circle. I will have to stop listening now cause Desperado, (The Clint Black version) came on. ENOUGH already. No more of those memories.
So I will just pretend it was the Don Henley version as it has much happier memories connected to it. A few years back, Margie and I just happened to be on the recieving end of some Eagles tickets. It was fabulous! And of course they saved Desperado for the very last song of the concert about 10 encores into it. The funny part was, from the first encore, this stupid kid kept yelling, 'Play Desperado' over and over again, like they could hear him and like they were going to NOT play it and like they didn't have a play list, even for the encores. Needless to say, we laugh frequently when one randomly yells out "play Desperado!"

Gone Country

So I have been at work exactly one hour and 40 minutes. Today, Justin the PT here in Gilbert, decided it was country day. I haven't listened to country in years. For a very good reason. Country was the soundtrack for my life just after my mission. A wonderful, carefree, all the world is beautiful time in my life. I was in LOVE. I know, I know, all this unfiltered bliss? No sarcasm, no cynicism, no complaints? Thats not the Emily we know!!! Well it didn't last and I turned the station after it all disappeared. And hadn't listened since. Til today. I kid you not, every song that could drudge up my memories of that time in my life has played. In the last one hour and now 45 minutes. Of course, there is no escaping Tim McGraw when listening to country, Im not dilusional. But come on.... Nitty Gritty Dirt Band??? Fishing in the dark? Darrell Worley...I miss my friend. DAMMIT. Pray I survive today without falling over crying or doing something really stalkerishly stupid.

And just for the record, Im not a cynic. Im a Disappointed Idealist. There is a huge-o difference.

Second rate goods

So yesterday I begged Ella to watch Reed for me so I could take a nap as I was feeling a bit under the weather and completely exhaused from the ordeal the day before..... I tried so hard, but couldn't fall asleep. Instead this is what ran through my mind.


Back when I was a kid, 12 or so, I used to watch a movie a lot. One of the lines referred to girls that marry really young as, "Second rate goods that had to be sold in a hurry". If you can name the movie, you get the prize.

Anyway, I laughed and continued down this train of thought.

If this is true, then does that make me.....

An impluse buy that was later returned w/o being opened, that was then bought by someone else when it was on super clearance, then used, and then returned to the store?

You know, like once, I bought a DVD player when visiting my little sister in Thatcher so we could watch some movies we rented. But I knew I wasn't gonna keep the DVD player so we kept all the packaging and repacked it and returned it to the local Walmart. EXCEPT we forgot to take out the DVD that we had RENTED and had to go back to the return lady at Walmart and ask her to get the DVD back out of the DVD player. So much for being all smooth and crafty about "deciding we just didn't want that type of DVD player". I think we told the return lady that my "husband said no, that he wanted a name brand and he made me bring it back." Im not very good at lying, especially considering the rented copy of Moulin Rogue still inside.

But would I even be considered "bought"? Like was I put on Layaway but then never picked up so I was put on Super Clearance, BUT just got lifted cause even the super clearance price was too much, then I was used, and then returned to the store for store credit? So the crook made money in the process?


See this is why I cant ever get a nap.

OH WELL....
"I don't want sunbursts or marble halls", I just want get bought one of these days.

Mother's Day Regrets?

I have a wierd confession. I am old. Wanna know how I know I am officially old? I am a talk radio junkie. Well, not really. I just would rather listen to that then the current and even not so current music alternatives. So if you are to get into my truck at almost any time, you will most likely find it on 92.3 (KTAR, talk radio in AZ.)
Last night, I was driving back from Tempe, and they were talking about Bristol Palin being a spokesperson for abstinance. The commentator was very distainful of this decision. Not because he didn't disagree with abstinance as a preventative measure to combat teen pregnancy, but because she had stated at an earlier time that abstinance was not really a practical solution. I was ready to call in. See, I understand exactly how it is possible to have these thoughts come from the same individual, relatively close together in time.
I understand how hard it is to say, "No I dont regret having my son, I love him dearly. I wouldn't trade him for the world." Even when all the world knows what choices led up to you having him. But I also know what its like to say, "I wish I would have had my son under different circumstances. I know now why a family should have a mother and a father. I now understand why kids should be born to parents committed to each other through marriage vows. Cause I know just how hard it is to do it alone. And while I would never, ever trade my son for anything in the world, I can and do regret the events that led up to his arrival.
When interviewed, it seems the media wanted Bristol to admit that her son, Tripp, was a mistake. She never did. But she expressed many of the same feelings I have felt. I can say "No, my son was not a mistake, but the choices that led up to me having were." There is a big difference. I think instead of the media condeming her and saying she is a hypocrite, I think they should realize that she is using her "name" to be able to say to kids, "Don't make the same mistakes I did." I applaud her for being able to admit her choices were not wise and be willing to use her experience to help other girls make better decisions. As for her original statement that abstinance was an ideal but unreasonable expectation for teens, I see it this way: in this day and age, it certainly is difficult, but I think it mirrors Tripp's father's thinking more than her own and it also works as a baseline to show us just how much she has learned in her short time as a mother. See NO ONE, NO ONE, can begin to explain how life altering a baby is. Especially, if you are a single parent. It is only through actually experiencing it that you realize how much it changes who you are and what you believe, what you can and can't do, and just about every facet of your life.
Because of the circumstances of Reed's conception, my first mother's day was very hard for me. I was back at church, big as a barn already - even though I was not due til July. I just cried all day long. Somehow it didn't count for me. My motherhood was not a celebration for anyone. It was shameful, a big glaring spotlight displaying my bad choices.
Im happy to say my second Mother's day was much different, more a pat on the back for actually living up to what motherhood required and surviving (that far). I was no longer wasting time beating myself up for things I couldn't change. I think I just didn't have the time or was just too tired. Actually, I had begun down the road to repentance and learned that looking back did no good.
This year, who knows? Do I think Im a fabulous mom that deserves a huge celebration. HELL NO. I make do, I make mistakes, I cry lots, but I try to get the job done the best I can and pray the angels help with anything I miss. I supposed that's all any mother can do.

Unexpected Answer?

Not long after boo-hoo-ing on my blog yesterday, I decided I needed a nap. (Reed was asleep and I had a chance!!!) But naptime went as usual. My mind started reeling about all the things that didn't get done this weekend and various other stresses. I yelled at my brain, trying to will it to stop for two seconds so I could rest and there it was.

"You have no power over me...."

For those of you without the "in my world" context, I will elaborate. This is a movie line (shocker) from The Labrynth. I love love love that movie, always have. Anyway, this girl messes up, gets her little brother taken away from her (who she was supposed to be watching) and has to go on this fantasy world wild goose chase to get him back. Finally at the end, faced with her brothers kidnapper (no less than the fabulous David Bowie) after playing his games for what seems like forever, she pauses and says... "You have no power over me..." Immediately the "Labrynth" around her shatters and the dream world she has been stuck in disappears and she is reunited with her brother.

This movie line became my mantra not long after I found out I was going to have Reed. All of the sudden, the reasons to stay in a bad situation didn't matter. I had the power. I realized the "fog" I was stuck in was all a false reality. Kinda like in Labrynth or Alice in Wonderland. I just had to stand up and take back my power. I was hellbent on making sure everyone saw that my powers had returned. I was a crusader. I have since mellowed, but realize I may have let a little too much of my wonder woman escape. So I think I was getting a big ol reminder to not cower or give in to the fog that is waiting, wanting to engulf me. And I knew this was a course in life I did NOT want to relearn.

As I was guided to remember my former mantra, I was also guided to pull out some old books on tape. The Amulek Alternative and The Simeon Solution both by Anne Osborn Poelman. One was sent to me in Montana by Shaunasee. (Shout out to you girly. Who knew your package would be even more helpful than it was so many years ago.) I put in the first tape that happened to be on the second side and I was too lazy to rewind (Oh we are spoiled these days...) and figured Id just listened to it from where it was. And the author was basically saying the exact same thing. She went on to reference the Joseph Smith story and the intense dispair he felt just before having his vision. The light came just before he felt he could no longer hold on and he was going to give himself up to the power binding him. So that triggered memories of the Michael McLean song, while trite and very dated, (I always loved Michael McLean) "Just hold on, the light will come." So between the two, I realized I was getting some answers. Just not exactly what I wanted. The knowledge that I have the power of choice and am far stronger than the storm that rages around me and the faith that the light, the safe harbor and the answers to my unending pleas will come was the answer I needed.

PS the books come HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. I just ordered hard copies from Amazon.

FRUSTRATED

Just a need to purge a bit. I am currently experiencing the same exact horrible feelings I felt back 6 or so years ago that sent me into the dreaded "fog" period of my life. Inside I am screaming, please, no, not again. And while I know I dont want to go about dealing with it the same way as before, I dont know how to move through it gracefully and happily. And now I got baby boy in tow that doesn't need his little happy life tainted by moms issues. Why do we go through times in life where our prayers seem to hit the ceiling and fall back down? That has to be the only explanation. Last time, I just thought I wasn't loved enough to be heard or helped. I know better now, but still I dont know what to do....
And if anyone says I need to pray harder or just be patient, I will personally fly to where ever you are and BEAT the ever-lovin out of you! Cause that is really easy to say when you aren't in the thick of it!

The Burly Lumberjack

I know, after the last post I was milking some major pity points. On the other hand some may be saying, "Emily isn't happy unless she is complaining about something." Which may be pretty accurate. And still some of you may just be asking what exactly a "burly lumberjack" would consist of... and why this would be the type a guy a girl (like me) would want. So I figured I would give you a little background on the evolution of the BURLY LUMBERJACK.

The term "Burly Lumberjack" dates back to my teen years and a much loved SNL skit. If I could stream media at work, I would try to find it on utube. Anways, it was a SNL commercial for all natural, biodegradeble tampons, made from tree bark. One of the tag-lines was, "It feels like a burly lumberjack between my thighs." I know, I know, my humor is so crass. Mom is now embarrissed and wants me to tell you that I didn't get it from her. (yeah, right I didnt) Dad would just be rolling his eyes and say, "damn kids" and trying to remember what horrible thing he did in his youth to warrent having 5 daughters.

But back to the tag line. I laughed til I cried. And it stuck. And so at the most random of times, I have to insert "feels like a burly lumberjack between your thighs" into conversations just for kicks. (Its a fun game to play, kinda like the "that's what she said" game. Its just a lot harder to find times that you can effectively insert it into a convo. But thats why its so genius.)

Anyway. From then on, when someone asked what kinda guy I wanted, it was a burly lumberjack. Maybe just cause it makes me laugh every time I hear/say it and maybe cause it captures so well what I want. So what is a burly lumberjack:

-- Cromagnon man meets Edgar from Men In Black (you know, the guy before his body gets taken over by the alien cockaroach...."Edgar skins hanging off your bones..." That guy.

-- As dad would put it, "Strong back, weak mind." (Which is not totally true. I want him to have brains, just enough to say "yes dear, what ever you like dear, I love you, baby."

-- A little bit of red-neckedness. Not that he is red when necked. (I might be) But that he is a bit hick. Thus the draw to places like Arkansas, Alaska and Montana.

-- At least 6 ft tall, at least 40 in waist, barrel chested. Why so big? Well, ladies, I was not blessed with an overly feminine frame. (Oh, you didn't notice, how kind of you!) And nothing makes a lady feel less ladylike than standing next to a wimpy or even average man. I always joked that if I couldn't wear his jeans, I didnt want to date him. I think it still stands, but unfortunately it rules out more men lately.. (sad face). Time to bust out the Turbo Jam. Anyway, I may not be small, but its nice to feel that way and the only way to feel that way is to stand next to a big bear of a man.

-- Hairy. Now, I must explain.... I luv, luv, luv scruff. The look of it. I dont like getting my cheeks raked raw from a kiss, but its a trade off. And well worth it. And while Im not a big fan of running my fingers through a man's back hair, unfortunately, it kinda comes with the territory. And a second down side is the direct correlation between great scruff/back hair and balding up top. What a wierd phenomenon. They grow it everywhere else but not where it should be. Luckily, my daddy was bald and so I see the beauty in it.

-- A Carnivore. I just cant respect a man that doesn't like steak. And I dont want to out eat a man...ever!!!

-- Finally and most important to qualify for the burly lumberjack title he has to be handy. ( NOT Handsy--you dirty mind you!!!) He's got to be able to take on a honey do list and actually do a resonable job at it, and not have to call a professional.

Ok, That was super fun. I hope after this read you will come to appreciate the loveability of a Burly Lumberjack as much as I do!!!

PS If anyone has a copy of the burly lumberjack from Great Falls, MT that is already scanned and "digitized" email it to me so I can post it. If I don't hear from you I will go digging to find my pics, cause he is definately worth posting with this one.

Complaints

So I am torn between wanting to defend my last post. I know I have lots to be thankful for and no life is not that bad and I know we all have our little bouts with "hard life" So I just want to say thanks for the help. But -- I just needed to vent.

On the flip side I super glad to know someone out there is actually reading this insanity!

Bad attitude

These past couple weeks have been a pain. The other front office lady has been out sick and so I have spent my days running around like a crazy lady hoping I can get everything done. Leave it to the central billing office to choose these past 2 weeks to roll out 3 different "projects" to work on during our downtime (but have done by the end of the week...) I couldn't even get the regular stuff done.... So I have come home from work every night, exhausted.
Add to that a yearly physical that turned into a blood test cause my body is out of control right now. Add to that the insurance not covering the meds to help said crazy out of control body be normal (or as normal as possible.) I have been told if I don't get my health under control I will have major problems. (Cause the ones now aren't major yet. I guess.)
Add to that Reed being sick for a week. (Read: Grouchy baby and snot on my shoulder, at all times. I have stopped wearing black because of it.) Add to that Reed's check up where we got referred to an ENT specialist because he has sleep apnea and needs his adenoids removed.
Add to that I have to give up or at least minimize my Diet Pepsi cause of above health problems. Cant imagine how I could make it through the day w/o my pepsi.
Add to that the nurse also told me I needed to take "me time". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I could keep adding but my head hurts too much--another perk of my health problems.

So I have decided I have a bad attitude.

But I walked into work today and I wasn't alone.
And while waiting for the Dr. today, Reed made me laugh out loud when he told me no and shook his head at me. (This will probably be the only time I think its funny but his verbal skills are still limited and I love when he uses his big boy words)
And the sandwich lady at Sprouts greeted me by name today.
And I get done with work in 2 minutes
And I have dinner and a movie waiting for me at home (dinner, thanks to mom, and a movie courtesy of Reed and PIXAR)
So I have to remember that I have things to have a good attitue about.

Retraction...or clarification

Once again, this dumb blog has gotten me into trouble. So I must clarify for all those concerned about my frame of mind. (This is where I sigh and roll my eyes.) Previously I wrote that I wanted things for me to fall into place, like it does for Nan. I implied that I would like my love life to pan out as simply as her job situation. Very tongue-in-cheek, I included "a date, a quick engagement...." or something along those lines. AND caught Holy Hell for it. So let me explain. When I write a big ....LOL after I write something, it means I am kidding. I will elaborate so there is no confusion.

I would love for something of the sort to fall into place. It wont. I know it wont, so I can laugh about it. Even if I felt like I was in a stable enough place to want to really seriously start dating again (which Im not....I dont trust my taste in men.) But even if I was ready to start seriously dating again, the mother instinct would most likely get the better of me and I would find every flaw in the poor guys, because I want to protect Reed. And if I was able to find someone, I would still make sure that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. (Because I want to protect Reed) So for anyone questioning my judgement when I say i want a quick engagement.... Get over it. I was being silly. (thus the LOL) Im not looking to jump into something without weighing every little detail. (I have seen the consequences of others folly and lived my own... Thank you very much) I just realize its time to get back out there.

Back forever ago, when seriously considering marrying Shane, he straight forward asked me if I could be a mother to his sons. Of course, I quickly replied. This bothered him and he went on. We talked about having more kids and I said I wanted five boys. He said, we already have two and I said, no I want to have 5 of my own. He went ballistic. He wanted me to understand that if we were to get married (which we didn't-- not for this reason, others....) But if we were to get married, his boys would be my boys and there would be no distinction between families, no "stepmom" title, they would be mine. When I realized how serious he was about it and when I realized what he was really asking me, I began to really ponder whether I could do it or not. I took it very seriously and spent a long time delving inside myself to really know if I could be that kind of mom. Later, when I met his boys (after everything had fallen apart and they would not be mine) it broke my heart. Because they had become mine, in my heart, I had decided that I was going to be their mother and I mourned for the loss of MY BOYS, because I had spent so much time and energy coming to the conclusion that they would be mine. The short couple hours I got to spend with them is still precious to me and I can still remember everything that happened. How we played, what was said and the look on Tommy's face as he sat on the porch watching us drive away. I tear up just writing about it now. I swear I mourned that loss far greater than I did the loss of Shane in my life. (Maybe because by that time I had already mourned Shane, the boys just reopened old wounds....)

But my mourning is not the point. The point is, I learned a very important lesson, and now I can look back and see a reason behind the pain of the experience. I now truly understand what Shane was asking, I know why he was so serious about it. I know why he reacted the way he did. Because I have Reed. My decisions have consequences far beyond myself, my happiness. My son is included in it. And now as I begin to entertain the possibility of loving again, (as impossible as it seems, I am entertaining the idea) my thoughts trail back to that question Shane asked me and that question that will be on the forefront of my mind if I ever find someone to love again. Will he love Reed as if he was his own son? No, thats not even right. How do you put it with out an "AS IF". Its more will you be dad to Reed. No distinction, no step, just dad. Its a tough question, and a lot to ask. But its vital. I have seen step parents that have embraced this idea and I have seen step parents that make the distinction (my stepchild). It makes a huge difference.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: Any reentry into the dating scene will be cautious and with much thought and guidance by the spirit. No haphazard relationships, no quick engagements, no unprayerful decisions. But I am at a point that I need to get back out there. Like it or not.

Just as requested... For you James

I must preface this blog entry. For all those faint of heart, those who don't want dirty laundry and those who feel I need to be more discriminating about my subjects this is not an entry you want to read.

James, called me wondering why I hadn't updated everyone with the current circumstances. When I told him I had, I just gave an overarching "life is stressful" statement, he didn't see that it was the same thing and again questioned why I hadn't written about him. So here is the James update, Just for you buddy!!

James has relapsed. I, by what could only be divine inspiration asked for another drug test, which he refused, again. (2 in the last how many months... 4) So that's twice now he has been caught using. (Yes the last time I lied, after all the hullaballo about me airing dirty laundry and such, I actually lied for him....)

I told him his chances to change are over and now I will do all I can to protect Reed from him and his addictions. I begged him to sign his rights away. His response was of course no.... although he hardly uses his parenting time, has never paid a dime of child support and is only a risk to both Reed and I.

Since then he has called the courts to find out when the child support case is. See, he didn't want to pay the filing fee so its a default case, and he just signed that he agreed with the terms of the parenting plan and child support amount. I was the only one supposed to go before the judge. But now that the agreement isn't good for him (Under the agreement if he has a positive drug screen or refuses to take one then it is up to my discretion when and if he can see Reed) he wants to go plead with the judge to change it.

Funny how it always has to be about him, not whats best for Reed. So everyone... applaud with me for the Father of the Year. Congrats on your accomplishments. Its your day!!

PS. Is this what you had in mind, James?

Loose ends

So September seems to be Loose Ends month. Or they tie-ing of loose ends month. My court hearing for both the bankruptcy and child support are both this month, in fact...within a week of each other. Its nice to be on the downhill with it all but its exhausting to wrap my mind around. I just hope that finalizing everything will help to pull me out of the past and help me to look forward to the future (on so many levels far beyond the obvious). I am scared to death to think of what the future will hold, but thank goodness it will be a far cry from the past few years. And there is so much of me actually ready to move forward. Our stake just formed a singles ward and I am thinking about going one week, just to assess. See if there is anyone my age. (Doubt it as I could only be a member of that ward for less than a year as I turn 31 next July, but hey, you never know.) I have also been looking at apartments in the area. That way Reed can have his own room and I can have a little more living space. Im afraid to commit to that, as I would be relying on the actual child support to be able to make rent, but I cant see being in mom and dad's apartment for much longer. The small space of the studio is killing me and Reed has no place to play in it. Anyway, no point in this, just burning a little anxiety and a little time at work.

HMMM....

So I have been told I am too negative and that I say too much. And so I have been mulling over just how to respond... My initial reaction is, "if you don't like it, don't read it!" To be fair this did start out as a means of getting pics of Reed out to the far reaches easily. In writing as time passed, it morphed into something else. And while I guess I have a false sense of anonymity, I know those that really know me, love me despite the "dirty laundry".

So what comes next? I almost shut this thing down altogether. But I knew I would start up another one, posting much the same. So after much thinking through, this is my solution.

Instead of starting from scratch and limiting my audience, I will remain at this address. If this is not info you want or need to know, feel free to stop reading. I will provide updated Reed pics as frequent as it is requested through my email.

In addition, I will clear up a matter of some controversy. And that is the portent of information about Reeds dad. From the beginning, I said I didn't care what all the adults in Reed's life thought of each other, as long as he didn't know. We could all hate each other for all I care. Just dont tell him that. So this blog is gray in that it has come to my attention that it colors James in what I have been told is an unfair way and at some point (in the far future, in some odd chance of the fates...not really sure how) Reed may get access to this. If this is the case, Reed and I will have a long talk at that point. As far as my perspective on James, let me go on the record of saying: James is doing fabulously. He has made several leaps and strides in the past year. I am proud of how far he has come and I gain more and more trust in him as a father and person in general as I watch the changes he is making. In addition, I recognize how much he as overcome up to this point and I am amazed at that progress in such short time. I, being human, need more time and more of the same positive behavior before I can truly say I can put my full faith in him. But I do not doubt he can do it , if he wants to.

So to recap... I will state again that this blog has become something different than what it began. You can choose to lose the web address and never visit again. You can peek in now and again and just look at the pics. What ever you chose I ask that you accept my decision to continue to blog and I will try to be more "fair" in my writing and more "discriminating" in my subjects. But this is me, guys. And what I have gained from my putting my thoughts and feeling and the support and love I have felt from those who choose to respond is more helpful than anyone can imagine.

Big Sigh...

Too much stress makes one crazy Emily. But I am now calming and happy for answered prayers. Now we just have a few million more to go and I might be able to get through a sick weekend without worrying about what if. And I may still wonder then. Oh well. But I am feeling much better! Thanks for all the love and support. Its hard to think that anyone even cares when so much of the stress of my current situation was brought on by my own stupidity. Mom Christensen-- you are the best. I keep saying I need to find a time to come visit AK again. Maybe next time I have a reserve of vacation time that isn't used up in the hospital!!

Actually, I have a whole week saved up so I get a real vacation this year -- not spent in the hospital!!!) I have some CEUs to get for my massage license, so I am spending a few days in Tucson and then I will spend the rest of the week camping with the family. Reed on his first campout . What am I thinking? Oh well, it will be an adventure. And if I know Reed he will spend the whole time attached to Aunt Nan.

Anyway, just wanted to let y'all know that things are feeling much better round here and while this silly blog has become more of an outlet for all of my frustrations, I really am ok and not a total Negative Nancy all the time.

Just another grouch session....

So James didnt take Reed this weekend. He has been sick. But this happens more frequently than ever and so I start to wonder. Is he sick? This was his classic excuse when he was using. So now I am sick, my stomach churning, all kinds of doubts invading my peace of mind. Is he using? God, no please no. So I finally get the nerve to ask him for a piss test. And I got a refusal and the retort "will I have to take a test every time I get sick." For now I guess the answer is yes. I dont understand why he cant see why I need the reassurance. And I was given the promise that I could request one whenever I needed it. A refusal might as well be a confession. My stomach still churns. Do I go to his work to get one? He knows Im suspiscious. If I wait too long it wont show. Meth only shows up in the system for 3 days.
For now I just let him know that until I saw a clean result, he wouldn't be able to see Reed. I think more than anything Im heartbroken. I want him to be clean. For Reed, for me, for himself. Mostly because I love the clean him. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. When he is clean James, he is amazing. But I cant risk myself, Reed, our futures on the hopes that the clean James will stay for long. And I am deathly afraid of Meth James. I know his powers and I hate him.
James knows this is his last chance. If he shows up positive ever again, he will never see Reed again. I will make sure of it. So why risk it? I cant imagine he ever would. So the thought of having to test him seems ubsurd. BUT I KNOW I NEED TO. I just pray its negative.

Welcome to What If Wonderland....

So before I start spouting out the most horrible realities of the inner workings of my brain, I must, must preface it with this. I love my son. More than I thought was possible. My days, my nights, my downtime (is there any anymore) all revolve around him. With that said I will continue.

So for some reason my head has been spinning with the what ifs of my life. I think I am looking back on the wasted time since I graduated high school. Scratch that, since I got my AA and AGS. I suppose you could even give myself a little credit for my mission. So I am looking back on the wasted time since I returned from Montana.

I have to admit the things that happened right when I got home seemed to start me on some crazy roller coaster or some other barf inducing ride. But whatever the catalyst, the effect has been the same. I lost about 6 or 7 (has it really been 7) years of my life. My mom counts it up to depression, too many years without medication or something of the sort and I suppose that has something to do with it. But now that I have no time of my own, I look back longingly at a few years back when I had all the time in the world and for some reason, let it waste away. I accomplished so very little. So now I live in what if land. What if I would have gone to ASU as planned after I got my AA/AGS? Would I have my Psyc. degree? Would I actually have a decent career? Why did I not continue with school? (Sure I have my Massage License, that I dont really use.... but what good has that been?)
Add to that my damaged heart.... What if I would have married Shane? Would we already be divorced like my dad predicted? Or did I let my hesitation push away "the one". Mind you, I dont really believe in "the one". Seems like a load of shit to me. But is that cause I dont wanna admit I let it go, or is it because I haven't found it yet. DUNNO...
All I know is I am living in a cesspool of what if that is killing me. I wouldn't trade Reed for anything, but I would love for the circumstances to be different.
And as I sit here putting together the final pieces of info for my bankruptcy, I think, damn it... I could be buying a house right now. This is the perfect time to buy. I need the room for Reed. But I cant buy because I let myself get dragged into a fog so that I couldn't see what was happening on any level of my life until I ended up 50 grand in debt for a man that never saw me as anything more that a meal/meth ticket. And it makes me wonder, Is that all I ever saw myself as? Was I in such a low spot in my life after Shane, that I ended up trying to buy (on credit) James' love.
This also makes me a skeptic for anything good that comes around. Maybe it was the guy my sister tried to hook me up with that just didn't take for me, and that a year later ended up going to prison for molesting his scout troop. Or maybe the other man nightmares have all just piled up on each other and I am left wondering if there are any decent men alive that arent total messes, that act like grown ups. (Anybody know any? Im taking resumes)

I just hope all of this is just because I am in major transition right now. In the middle of child support paperwork and bankruptcy paperwork. In the middle of a job I dont like and get paid very little for. (Im worth so much more... HA HA) Im in the middle of waiting for the storm to clear. Does it ever, really?? Nope, didn't think so. So WOO HOO, time to pull myself up by my proverbial boot straps and forge ahead. And work my ass off, work my ass of like theres no tomorrow to make sure the next 7 years aren't wasted too!!!