Only in dreams

So Ive been mulling over all kinds of info these days. I think my brain is completely fried. But something has been really knawing at me for a long time. (I just wish I could peg what exactly it is.)

A few nights ago I woke up from having the strangest dream. I was just arriving back in Montana. For some reason, I had returned to continue or to start another mission. I remember thinking, this is not the way it was when I came here last time. Meaning, the red tape process... I just arrived and went to it, no training, just meeting up with a companion somewhere Funny that the companion in my dream is my boss in real life (I haven't quite figured out what she is representing -- her characteristics and all) As I haven't quite pegged that part yet, it really isn't important in my story.

Anyway, I remember meeting up with Jenn and saying, "I know where we need to stop first and mentioned a family from my greenie area, the ward mission leaders house. ---This is where I feel really bad because I cant remember their names, but I loved that family. Oh Whitfield I think, maybe--- As we started toward their house, I hesitated. I remember thinking, wait a minute. I can't do this. What will Reed do? I can't be gone from Reed for so long. I was so excited to be back in Montana and was really happy to see the family again (as they were so good to me) and I was really excited to have the structure of the mission, but everytime I would start to go toward their house I would sick up. Reed would freak out. How could I even consider leaving him?

When I first woke up, my reaction was, "That is so wierd" but the more I thought about it, the more I saw what was so plainly laid out. Now those of you who know me know I am a big believer in dreams. I think I got it from my love for psychology. Now, I know I am not a dreamer in a spiritual sense. I guess the Lord knows I need more of the 2 by 4 approach. But I know that there was a definate message for me.

I have never made it a secret that the whole Shane thing has forever changed me. And it/he has been on my mind a lot lately. (Too much, according to some that follow the blog) And I suppose it is true. But I think this dream was letting me know was that it was time to stop looking back on the joys, hurts and what ifs of the past and start living in the now and looking toward the future.
Now mind you I thought I had reached that point a while back, but its funny how a little reminiscing turns to big what ifs, if you let yourself get carried away.

My mom and I have had some pretty interesting conversations throughout the last few years along these lines (usually as those old hurts I thought were long gone reappeared.) I remember her saying that we all have crossroads in our life that we look back to with a little pause. We all have few different paths we would have liked to take and that we can look back on and say, "I wonder" or "I wish I could just see what that would have been like" She said she thinks we all have another "life" or two we all would have liked to live. But that we only have one path.

The other day she was online and when I walked up to her she said she wanted to show me something. She googled some guys name and up popped the most amazing photography. Black and white, nature prints, very similar to -- but I think even more striking-- than Ansel Adams. She told me that this was the work of one of her old boyfriends. Then she went back to the search and just reading the list of results showed that he was a very successful, award winning photographer very well respected by his peers. She then said that she had also downloaded some music that he had composed. I asked her how she had found him and she was embarrissed to admit that it had just come to her one day to google him. (Maybe it was the most recent school reunion, who knows)

But I think, and I dont know how she knew all this was building up the past little while, but I have learned to not question my moms ESP, but maybe she knew I needed to know that we have all been there. Looking back, almost frozen in time as we look around at our current circumstances saying, What have I done? What could I have done? How did I get here? Her little "Ive been there" was a big nudge forward. A reminder that the reverie is alright, but not to let it consume you into thinking you have chosen the wrong "life" and in turn keep you from living life. And to remember that those memories are somehow a little sweeter in hindsight. The what ifs don't contain the realities of life. They are seen through rose colored glasses. Faults are smaller, faces are handsomer, and life is perfect. No challenges, no flaws, no trouble... And no growth.

So it came to me that as long as I was continally drawn back to the past, I was not moving forward. It was more like that part in Alice in Wonderland where everyone is chasing each other around and around in circles. AND GETTING NOWHERE.

I dunno how to sum this all up. Like I said, this has been floating around in my brain in some form or another for a long long time. So if you actually read this all the way through, Im kinda surprised. If you actually followed my train of thought, Im shocked. But I think I have some old pictures and letters to burn.

BLAUGH....

This day will not end. I swear I have been at work for so long I cant see straight. What is it that makes some days fly by and some last forever? And why is it always the ones that last forever that you wish would end and the ones that fly by you wish would last forever?
Wow, if that wan't a murphy's law, I dunno what is.

And now I figure I will kill time by writing, but I really don't have anything to say. Well, I always have something to say... But I dont want to get started on politics again. It makes me queasy to even think about it. And not much to say about Reed. He is doing good. Been cranky lately and running a fever. I didn't think to much of it until he had his 15 month check up and realized he has an ear infection. So at least we found the reason for his grouch fest.

Im still fighting the Gall Bladder Blues... Well post op blues. My weight is out of control and for all the searching for answers all I have found are big forums filled with people just as frusterated as I am. I have yet to find anyone with answers, unless they are trying to sell something. (Isn't that how it always is?

Oh well, enough of my grouch fest for now...

4 FUN

A) Four places that I go to over and over:
WORK (BLAGH), Walmart, Bashas, Margie's house
B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
Linda, Millie, Mom, Kirk
C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
Texas Roadhouse, Panda Express, Moki's, mom's house
D) Four other places I would rather be right now:
In bed--asleep, on vacation anywhere, Montana, anywhere but at work
E) Four people I intend to tag:
Stu, Jeanne, Emily, Trina
F) Four TV shows I watch:
Lost, The Office, Glenn Beck, Fox N Friends

Okay ladies, now its your turn. Its easy, just 4, 4, 4, 4, 4,4 things about you. Have fun.

Midnight snack

Honestly, this kid is into everything. I just installed the cupboard latches in the kitchen and he has already figured out how to open them. If it closes...he knows how to open it, if it has a button... he know what it does and pushes it at appropriate times (IE: water cooler, TV remote, DVD remote -yes he knows the difference- he even aims the AC remote at the unit to turn it on and off) He's crazy smart and Im just plain crazy from trying to keep him out of stuff.

Dennis the Menace

I absolutely love this pic of Reed. I dunno if its the face or that his little overalls and striped shirt make him look like Dennis the Menace... But I love it. Yesterday someone at church commented that he looks like he lost all the baby in him overnight and all the sudden he is all little boy.

Racecar Reed

We had a girl party to the mall last week and poor Reed hated every minute of it, until we found the race car. He was in little boy heaven and it was almost impossible to get him out of it... Until I put quarters in to make it go. It scared him to death and even with me holding on to him to steady him, he still wanted out. That is he wanted out until the ride ended and then it was back to impossible to get him to want to leave.

Breaking points

I dont really have much to say today, but as I read all my other pals blogs, I start to see a trend. Many have expressed that they have hit their breaking point. Im there. I went from being excited because today is my Friday (I now work 4 tens) and planning a "field trip" to the park with Reed and his dad to hitting a wall of exhaustion, frustration and almost tears as I got a call from my mom saying Reed was running a 102 temperature and has been lethargic all day. (He had the barfs last weekend, but I thought we were over it. )

I know that isn't a huge deal, but it seems with everything else piled on, I too am hitting my breaking point.

Add to this, a little too much election coverage, a little too much "history" in the form of some articles explaining that the steps leading up to the Nazi party in Germany very much mirror the circumstances our country is facing and the hard reality that my personal financial circumstances (which were difficult before) may become monsterous as the economy falls apart. And I cant find a logical solution. I can see the stress in my fathers eyes as he wonders "Am I always going to have to supplement Emily in raising Reed? I don't have that many more Pepsi years left in this old body...." He never says anything to me, but I can see it in his eyes. He doesn't joke about me supporting him retirement years anymore.

On the flip side, I just finished a Glenn Beck article where he talked about what we should do now. I laughed as he took basic gospel teachings (things we have been hearing for years) like planting a garden, living within our means, family night, and getting an education and presented them in a "non threatening" secular way. I love Glenn. He has been to hell and back and can sing the song of redemption. He understands the atonement. But in his article, he reminded me that in times where we hit the breaking point, those of us who are wise, return to the basics, return to what we know and are sufficiently humbled to return to our God for a renewal of strength.

After reading about Christal's nightly scriptures and prayers with her little family, I realized that I needed to be doing that with Reed. So every night we get on the "big bed" and I hand him his night time book to hold while I read a chapter from the Book of Mormon out loud. Then we have our prayers and get to read the Goodnight book Grandma and Papa Thompson gave him for his birthday. Anyway, last night we were reading about Sariah who was complaining that her boys must have died in the wilderness when they went back for the plates and didn't understand why her husband had to be a visionary man. It made me laugh. Poor Sariah. She must have been a pillar to have even made it that far....

Anyway, they finally returned and she realized her error in murmuring against God and her husbands obedience. She remembered what she had known all along... That God would provide a way to keep his commandments. She just needed to have the faith and the patience to see herself through to the end of the story (or that chapter of her story.... another one always seems to start after one ends :)

I guess what I am saying, as I am weary and I am tired and anxious about the future (and as I know so many others are...) We just need to go back to basics and take everything a step at a time. Follow the prophets, trust the Lord, and be patient. (Oh thats the hardest part for me, the hardest part....) Turn to what you know, return to the basics and remember that the Lord has an eye out for us all... Nope scratch that, the Lord has His hand stretched out TO US ALL.

Retraction...or clarification

Once again, this dumb blog has gotten me into trouble. So I must clarify for all those concerned about my frame of mind. (This is where I sigh and roll my eyes.) Previously I wrote that I wanted things for me to fall into place, like it does for Nan. I implied that I would like my love life to pan out as simply as her job situation. Very tongue-in-cheek, I included "a date, a quick engagement...." or something along those lines. AND caught Holy Hell for it. So let me explain. When I write a big ....LOL after I write something, it means I am kidding. I will elaborate so there is no confusion.

I would love for something of the sort to fall into place. It wont. I know it wont, so I can laugh about it. Even if I felt like I was in a stable enough place to want to really seriously start dating again (which Im not....I dont trust my taste in men.) But even if I was ready to start seriously dating again, the mother instinct would most likely get the better of me and I would find every flaw in the poor guys, because I want to protect Reed. And if I was able to find someone, I would still make sure that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was right. (Because I want to protect Reed) So for anyone questioning my judgement when I say i want a quick engagement.... Get over it. I was being silly. (thus the LOL) Im not looking to jump into something without weighing every little detail. (I have seen the consequences of others folly and lived my own... Thank you very much) I just realize its time to get back out there.

Back forever ago, when seriously considering marrying Shane, he straight forward asked me if I could be a mother to his sons. Of course, I quickly replied. This bothered him and he went on. We talked about having more kids and I said I wanted five boys. He said, we already have two and I said, no I want to have 5 of my own. He went ballistic. He wanted me to understand that if we were to get married (which we didn't-- not for this reason, others....) But if we were to get married, his boys would be my boys and there would be no distinction between families, no "stepmom" title, they would be mine. When I realized how serious he was about it and when I realized what he was really asking me, I began to really ponder whether I could do it or not. I took it very seriously and spent a long time delving inside myself to really know if I could be that kind of mom. Later, when I met his boys (after everything had fallen apart and they would not be mine) it broke my heart. Because they had become mine, in my heart, I had decided that I was going to be their mother and I mourned for the loss of MY BOYS, because I had spent so much time and energy coming to the conclusion that they would be mine. The short couple hours I got to spend with them is still precious to me and I can still remember everything that happened. How we played, what was said and the look on Tommy's face as he sat on the porch watching us drive away. I tear up just writing about it now. I swear I mourned that loss far greater than I did the loss of Shane in my life. (Maybe because by that time I had already mourned Shane, the boys just reopened old wounds....)

But my mourning is not the point. The point is, I learned a very important lesson, and now I can look back and see a reason behind the pain of the experience. I now truly understand what Shane was asking, I know why he was so serious about it. I know why he reacted the way he did. Because I have Reed. My decisions have consequences far beyond myself, my happiness. My son is included in it. And now as I begin to entertain the possibility of loving again, (as impossible as it seems, I am entertaining the idea) my thoughts trail back to that question Shane asked me and that question that will be on the forefront of my mind if I ever find someone to love again. Will he love Reed as if he was his own son? No, thats not even right. How do you put it with out an "AS IF". Its more will you be dad to Reed. No distinction, no step, just dad. Its a tough question, and a lot to ask. But its vital. I have seen step parents that have embraced this idea and I have seen step parents that make the distinction (my stepchild). It makes a huge difference.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: Any reentry into the dating scene will be cautious and with much thought and guidance by the spirit. No haphazard relationships, no quick engagements, no unprayerful decisions. But I am at a point that I need to get back out there. Like it or not.

Just another day....

No big news from the homefront. Im done training in Ahwatukee and will now be able to go back to work next week in Mesa. (It really wasn't such a horrible thing, cause I was training Nan who just got hired on. Its just a far drive and I was having to work Ahwatukee in the mornings and East Mesa in the evenings...LONG DAYS )Anyway, I was training Nan. I swear that girl is charmed. I went to work in Ahwatukee 2 weeks ago to train the new hire... Who never showed up, just left a phone message saying nevermind. At that same time, Nan was getting word that they had to downsize where she worked and she would be the one let go. She came home crying to my dad that night. And he just told her not to worry it would all work out. So by Tuesday, Nan had been interviewed, hired and allowed to start training the next day. Meanwhile, the economy was falling apart all around and I heard story after story of people that have been looking for jobs for months. She is charmed....or a favorite or something. But that really wasn't what I was going to talk about, it just interesting to see the timing of everything. Now if I could just get everything to fall into place for me. A date maybe, quick engagement.... LOL.

YOU MUST SEE THIS GUYS

Maybe Ive been watching too much Glenn Beck. But I am furious about all this bailout garbage. Now that being said, YOU MUST WATCH THIS UTUBE VIDEO.

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMouthPeace?ob=1

This just solidifies my vote. Obama is scary. Socialist Scary. A BIG OLD LIAR. I cant scream it loud enough.

How many "unfortunate" aquaintences can one person have? Rev. Wright that hates the US and preaches against the "whities"?, the crazy bomber guy that terrorizes the US, ACORN?, or those people that want to break off anything south of the mason dixon and become their own country.... It never stops. I cannot stomach to look at the man anymore.

And after watching the video you see all his connections to Fannie and Freddie and how he and the other democrats rode the company down and collected millions for it. EVEN PRESIDENT CLINTON SPOKE OUT AGAINST THEM!!! President,"I didn't have sexual relations with that woman" Clinton tried to warn them.

Right now, Hillary is looking like a damn good alternative. At least with the Clinton's we know what to expect. I could handle another 4 even 8 years of the Clintons--- if the country must have a Democrat (because, you know, its the Republicans fault the economy is falling apart. Not useless Pelosi, not Barney Frank --who should be incarcerated in my opinion) But if we must have a Democrat... why the HELL does it have to be Obama!!! Its a nightmare!!!!

So watch it, try not to throw up. I want to I get so angry when I watch it. The gaul the Dems had when they acted all insulted that the government would even waste their time investigating inconsistancies in Fannie's and Freddie's books. How they swore there was nothing wrong. That we were trying to fix something that wasn't broken. Well guess what... They are all a bunch of LIARS and once again.... Omaba is all over in the scandal. How anyone could ever want to vote for him is insanity.

Now Im not a huge fan of McCain. Im not convinced I can even call myself a Republican. But honestly... OBAMA is not the solution, he is not the change we need. He is a nightmare and will strip and tax away everything this country stood for. EVERYTHING!!!

PS Hey all you gov officials, nice to see how the bailout worked out so well for us all, I didn't think my 401K could be any more useless than it already was, then I saw the DOW drop even more yesterday. Glad you all came in and spent my 700 billion and saved us.

motherhood

this is why I love being a mother. Cause moments like this are picture worthy and make you smile.

Mommy and Reed

We spend much of our life on this bed... Too much time really, but this is where we have cuddle time after a long day of work and such.