Random babblings from the mind of Emily

My Special Education

2011-03-27T20:05:00.002-07:00

This past week, Reed had his evaluation to qualify him to continue in his speech therapy program. He has made major progress and will continue with the preschool program next year to continue improving. While waiting for the teacher outside of the school, I caught a glimpse of one of the special ed classes during recess or PE. (I really couldn't tell which.) Either way it was a group of kids all shapes and sizes, but clearly special needs. They were running a "lap" around the outer berm of the playground. As they were getting closer to the school, I noticed as one after another linked hands forming a chain of sorts. Some were pulling others along, but slowing so all could link up and finish the run together. It was a sweet moment when you realize that those spirits in their less than functional bodies, had to something special. (And not just "special" in the generic sense used as a PC label.) They were caring, aware of others around them, not worried about finishing first, just finishing together. I was witness to a mini Special Olympics of sorts. I could almost see a "hugger" at the end of their lap waiting for them all to finish. And this is where I got to tearing up.... After a relentless week of struggles and trials, disappointments, pain and Murphy's Law moments, all I could think was that I need a Special Olympics hugger for me. We may not be burdened with physical differences or mental deficiencies, but more and more I see myself and others burdened with emotional deficiencies, stress and exhaustion from the burdens of everyday life. We may not be considered "retarded" or "special" in the worldly sense but all of us need a "hugger". All of us need to feel the hand of those running this lap with us in ours, encouraging us to the end. Too often we are worried about being first or having the persona of a winner. In reality, we can take a page from these sweet spirits and from the Special Olympics. In the end, as we finish together, we are all winners. So grab the hand of the person behind you and allow the person ahead to grab your hand. Cause we are in this together and we are have our little defects that make these current "laps" difficult. If ya need a "hugger", Im here for ya. Ill tell ya you're doing a great job and that we can do it together. Just promise me you will do the same!

HOME

2011-02-25T21:20:00.002-07:00

As most of my Friday nights go, I spent it cuddling with my baby boy. We watched some Veggie Tales. (I know, we're a wild crew on the weekends.) Reed chose one of my favorites, The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's. Its basically a mesh of the Prodigals Son with a Wizard of Oz flair. Everytime I watch this the end brings me to tears. (Not because of the seriousness of the story... Anyone familiar with my veggie friends, knows while nothing seems to be sacred, sacred things seem to be taught... and actually stick.) I get all weapy because of the song at the end. And while I did actually look up the writer of the song, I didnt write it down. So Mr. Songwriter, wherever you are, forgive me for not giving you your proper dues. Maybe later I'll look it up again and edit this one. Anyway, the song goes (or at least the chorus):

I love you today and I love you tomorrow,
I love you as deep as the sea,
I love you in joy and I love you in sorrow,
You can always come home to me.

Every time I've watched this I have kinda taken the perspective of being the prodigal. Heaven knows I've made my share of severely bad choices and have literally returned home with my tail between my legs begging for forgiveness and help. As a parent, I can even understand the reality of unconditional love and think I would celebrate just as much as the prodigal's father. But tonight was different.

This time, all I could think of was the "other son". The one that had done everything he should. The one that felt the envy and most likely the pain of his father immediately throwing a celebration for the return of his son. I think while a lot of us, (read ME), find ourselves relating to the prodigal and thankful for the love shown to us when we need forgiveness, we are more often put into the position of the "other son".

It seems the lost lesson of the Prodigal Son is the brother's reaction and how often our reaction seems to mirror it. Whether a literal sibling or just a connection of being another Child of God, its so easy to look on, thinking, "they dont deserve forgiveness, let alone a celebration." I think too many of us try to rate our sins on a continuum. "This" isn't as a bad as "that". But the reality is we must be perfect to be with God again, therefore, all must embrace the gift of the Atonement. All of us have sins against us. And for those who still like rate severity of sins to compare each other and think yours are more tolerable and more forgivable, the Lord says: thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. (Luke 15:31). Just like any family, adding another doesn't lessen the love available. All that He has is ours and all the better as more children are able to come HOME.

How Incredible

2011-02-12T19:59:00.002-07:00

Just thought I should share a little gem I found this weekend. Reed has been on an Incredibles kick. I've never been much of a fan, but after multiple viewing lately, I had a little a-ha moment. So without getting into a huge sum up of the movie but prefacing this a bit to make sense, you got a family of super heroes. The teenage daughter is still unsure of her powers and what she is capable of. When faced with the first big demand of her powers, she fails. Even more discouraged and unsure, her mom gives her the pep talk I think we all need to hear.

Things are different now. And doubt's a luxury we can't afford anymore. You have more power than you realize. Don't think and don't worry. If the time comes, you'll know what to do. It's in your blood.

So I'm not coming out of superhero hiding or anything. I'm just thinking we are much like Violet: unsure of our abilities, daunted by the tasks in front of us, wishing we could just disappear into the background at times. But it is in our very nature to be more this and our talents our individual skills are much needed in this world today. And maybe, just maybe I'm not the only one that needed the pep talk too.

Lessons of Lessons

2010-09-17T02:11:00.003-07:00

Its been a strange past few months. I feel like I have run the gauntlet (or at least part of it) and am now standing to the side, breathing heavily,a bit dazed,dehydrated and thinking, "Damn, I shoulda taken those PE classes a little more seriously."

I remember back in high school going to meetings about planning for college and taking excelerated class, they called it "the fast track". I feel like I have been on the life lesson version of that track. The only problem is, I'm not the disciplined scholar needed for the "fast track" to be successful. So if the next few thoughts come out muddled, forgive me. I'm a blogger outta practice and a student that feels like she has been cramming for the big final for the past few months with too little sleep and way too much caffiene.

Life took a sudden and very dangerous plummet a few weeks back. All of the sudden, all my little demons, all my insecurities came back to visit with a vengance. Its so funny how two little words can cause so much trouble. "Should have" should be outlawed. Another dangerous couple, "if only" also seemed to trouble my mind. Its amazing how in stressful times, we (ok I) think its appropriate to drudge up all the old mistakes, the guilt, the what if's of life. Last checked,(and very recent indeed), it still does no good. Never did before, still doesn't now. Doesn't change anything, except possibly skew ones perspective for the future. It was only a few days ago, when speaking to the sweetest man I have ever met, that I got a little reality check. After living more years in prison that out, he is free. His joy in the little things: relaxing in the dining area of a McDonald's, the ability to ride the city bus and the prospects of what to make of his next 30 years, all reminded me of the importance of moving forward.... and allowing others to do the same. It would be so easy to dwell on what was lost or the time wasted. Instead, he was sincerely grateful for the time he had now and for the opportunity to learn from his previous experience and be better for it.

I think the lessons on lessons are the hardest lessons to learn. (I swear that makes perfect sense in my mind....) See, some of us struggle to be humble enough to admit to mistakes and learn from them. Some of us struggle to forgive ourselves and realize that mistakes are a part of the overarching plan for our time here on earth. Some of us struggle in allowing others to learn their lessons on their own timeline and not on the timeline we wish they would learn them. Some of us struggle in allowing others to move past their mistakes and consider them better for the experience. And some of us struggle with all of the above... (pay no attention to the big flashing arrow above the writers head.)

So I guess in a quick sum up, Im sorry its been so long since the last post, Ive been learning about learning. Learning to be patient with myself, trying to be less critical of others who haven't yet learned,looking forward to the future with courage and smashing the hell outta the shoulda's that weasle their way into my thoughts.

time to breathe....

2010-06-02T09:41:00.002-07:00

So everything had been a whirl... so just consider my blog, my brain, my life under construction and hopefully I will be able to get back to routine soon.

Standing corrected

2010-04-08T10:50:00.004-07:00

Many commented (though not directly on the blog) and expressed concern after my last post. I appreciate all the love and support of my friends and family. Rest assured, I am ok. I am struggling with the stress of everyday life compounded with my lack of thyroid. Its tough to keep a positive perspective at times. I am glad to report that as the days pass, work becomes less stressful (or at least more do-able) and I am starting to see glimmers of my old self and energy returning. Thank goodness for replacement meds. They make me sick, but not taking them is far worse.

My lamp has been a little, ok -- a lot, empty recently. Workings Sundays is a tough gig. But I was able to catch the first session of both Saturday and Sundays General Conference and was glad I had made the effort.

After just a few minutes listening, I came to a conclusion. Only one of two things were possible. The first, that this conference was meant entirely for only me. It seemed to speak to everything I was feeling. All my doubts, all my frustration, all my weariness was recognised and addressed. The second, that Im not the only one out there wondering how much longer I can continue. I am now convinced the second is correct.

Its funny how when in our low points of life, when doubt creeps in, we start to look longingly at others "so called" trials and think, "they have it so easy. I could handle that, no problem. Why can't my life be like theirs." I admit, this has been my attitude as of late. Being dismissive of others troubles, being impatient with others gripes. My response has mostly been, "I wish I had it so bad...."

The conference retaught me something that I thought I had mastered a long time ago. Compassion. We are all struggling. None of us has is "easy" right now. It didn't help for me to rate others trials against mine. It didn't lift me or them. It didn't help me learn my lessons any faster. It didn't make my load any lighter. But most importantly it didn't provide the strength or love to friends that they needed and that was my responsibility to give.

So here is my public apology, an owning up of sorts and a thanks for sticking by me. Im not gonna lie and say I will be Sally Sunshine from here on out. But I will be working on keeping a proper perspective and not getting so lost in my self pity.

When life's perils thick confound you

2010-03-25T18:00:00.002-07:00

After several facebook pokes and a few concerned friends asking where I disappeared to, I figured it was time to update the old blog. With the new job has come a new schedule and whirlwind in general. Add to that, all the fun that life has recently added and I feel like sometimes don't have time to breathe.

A few weeks back I was at a funeral for one of my boys. Kale Clay was 25, just recently returned from Iraq and was a passenger in a head on collision. It so strange to lose another one of "my boys." Granted, I had not seen him in a long time, but its funny how the memories seem like they were yesterday. The nighttime lemonade stands, cooking dinner at all hours of the night, his stupid jokes and his sweet cuddle hugs. I was doing ok -- with the news and at the funeral. Its amazing how much stronger one is when you know this life isn't the end. But then the closing hymn at the funeral was God Be With You Til We Meet Again. I knew I was in trouble.

We got to the line...

When life's troubles thick confound you, put His arms unfailing round you...

And I fell apart. I was there. And part of me was envious that Kale was finished, part of me wanted to be back home, part of me wanted to not have to continue to push through the "thick" perils that seem to have moved in. Guests that have long worn out their welcome, but just dont seem to leave. Or when they do, they are quickly replaced with another. But I knew that I still have lots to do and lots to learn.

I have been in "robot mode" since. Just pushing through to the next day off... Doing my best to keep up with laundry, dishes, and Reed. I dont want to read people's blogs and hear how happy everything is in their life. I dont want to read their facebook posts and hear about the great things they do with their kids during the day. I dont even want to hear them complain either.... cause most the time I just wish that my problems were as easy to deal with as theirs are.

Oh, crap, the kids woke up at 530 this morning? Well, lucky you, you can have a nap when they do. I cant. Oh, darn, youre kid has the barfs? Mine too, but I get to clean up the mess after a hell day at work. Oh, you have a migraine? Me too... every day about 2 pm since they removed my thyroid. (Who knew a thyroid effected so many things? I sure as hell didn't!! Dry skin, sore muscles, exhaustion at all times, no appetite, nausea... Blah blah blah.)

Ok, so I realized this is a total downer of a post. Completely unintentional. This is not was I was expecting to write. It was supposed to be more of a focus on the ...put His arms unfailing round you... part of the song. And I promise, I am ok. I am just continuing to push forward and spending lots of time praying for strength that feels a little slow to show up.

Reed is my sunshine in all of this struggle. Its amazing how kids tune into what you need. (Granted he wants to act up more when stress is high, but he knows when to be sweet.) He cuddles and will pet my hair. His sweet face lights up when I get home from work. He keeps me focused on whats important and keeps me going.

GOOD NEWS GOOD NEWS

2010-02-21T11:11:00.002-07:00

After what felt like a lifetime of waiting and testing, I am so HAPPY to be able to report some GOOD NEWS!!!! I know its been posted on Facebook so its no big surprise for anyone. But, its worth sharing again.

-- All labs came back good. My hormone levels are in normal range, further indicating that there has not been a spread.

-- These levels also indicate that the cancer was an isolated incident and no just one of several of a "family of tumors" that often happen with my specific type of cancer. (It likes to grow in clusters... cancer parties)

-- The labs also show that there is no evidence of a genetic link. Reed will not need to be tested and he will NOT need surgery for removal of his thyroid.

-- My wonderful surgeon is double checking that radiation will not be necessary. (Past studies have shown that my type of cancer does not respond to traditional cancer treatment (ie: chemo, radiation). He just wants to make sure that he is completely up to date with current treatment protocol, as the cancer is so rare. But for all intensive purposes, I should not need it.

This leaves me safe to say: I am cancer free!!!! I will continue to have lab work done every couple months to make sure it doesn't pop up anywhere else. And will shortly begin the journey of thyroid replacement therapy, which will be gladly welcomed as living without my thyroid has become quite a challenge. (Although I hear maintaining that is a whole bundle of fun, I am feeling much blessed to finally have more answers than questions for the first time in a long time.)

Again, I just want to take a moment and thank all my wonderful friends and family that have supported me through this trial. It has been a helluva past few months. And while Im sure there will be more on the way, it is so amazing to have so many people caring, offering and providing service, praying, and just plain "stepping up" on my behalf. I am so blessed.

Where have all the bad asses gone?

2010-01-31T20:26:00.003-07:00

I came from the generation where any teenager that had a car, had the bumper sticker saying, "QUESTION AUTHORITY". I think we all thought we were tough stuff, that we knew more than those trying to teach something in the school where we parked our car. The sad truth is: for all of us sporting this bold statement of defiance, we sure missed out on its true meaning.

Flash forward over ten years later as we watch the very foundation of our country being demolished piece by piece. Some look on cheering, some with shock, some with horror, some with complacence and some are just too busy to watch. I look on saying, where are all those who seemed so tough, so quick to fight against the status quo, the political machine, the traditional education. Where have all the bad asses gone?

Maybe they are the ones cheering. I dont know. What I do know is this: No matter what politial affiliaton, no matter what spiritual or logical tenets one subscribes to, NO ONE should be looking on saying, "this is good". Back away from your wants from government. Back away from what you think is justice and fair. Back away from all the rhetoric that gets us all fired up and fighting against each other. That just keeps us occupied so we dont see whats really happening.

I dont care if your views on politics are completely opposite than mine. The pendulum continues to swing from one extreme to another, leaving us all a little motion sick and none of us better for it.

In then end, uncontrolled and unchecked, government is a dangerous thing. Far more dangerous than any extremist, whether they fall into Napoletano's definition or any other.

See, what we dont seem to realize or what we forget in the heat of the moment of trying to provide all for the the people is: for every power we give the government, we lose a little more freedom. You cant have it both ways. Unfortunately, we are living in a society that believes the promises of everything you ever "needed" will be provided, IF ONLY: you trade a little bit of your freedom back to the government. The problem is, we have been doing this for far too long and now we have no control. We are no longer considered the "free-est market in the world". Did you know that?

So now that over a decade since our rebellious teenage years have passed, I believe it is time to resurrect the simple statement of QUESTION AUTHORITY. Not to be subborn or cause trouble, not just to thumb our noses and act like spoiled teenagers again, but to remind us of something we have forgotten along the way or something maybe we liked, but didn't truly understand.

There is power in questioning authority. There is a sense of responsibility in questioning authority. It lets government know that we expect them to do what they say and say what they do, that is means is, that blatant lies during state of the union addresses are not acceptable and that if they cant do the job with integrety, they cant do the job.

Im not calling out one political side, Im calling out all politicians! So quick to point the finger when the other fouls up, but doing exactly what they are pointing the finger for when they think no one is looking. All are guilty. I say start from scratch. Get rid of the whole bunch, cause if you think that they care whether you have insurance or not, they dont. They care about you handing them over the responsibility for it, the power. If you think they care about your right to choose or a baby's right to life, they dont, the like the power to make that decision for you. I could go on an on. In the end, suffice it to say: If something is important to you, that is your responsibility. Not the governments.
Remember: A government big enough to give you everything you ever wanted is big enough to take everything you ever had.

I was reading George Orwell's 1984 a couple days ago and my stomach churned at some of the things that mirrored today. History suddenly changes, words that are no longer allowed -- like terrorist or illegal alien, being punished for thoughts. (IE: hate crimes FYI: A crime is no more or less punishable no matter the reason behind it...) Its scary to see our society turn into that of Orwell's. It also guarantees one very important truth if we come to it: POVERTY. We keep hating the fat cats, but they put food on the table for most of us. Their success is our success. Just ask those who were laid off because of the recession. Big business is cut, so is our way of living.

Just a little glimpse of where my mind goes when it cant sleep at night. I promise to not be quite so far between posts. Its been a rough last little while. But life is good, insane and a bit frantic, but good. Just one more time for all you bad asses in disguise out there.... QUESTION AUTHORITY!!!

A cancer by any other name....

2010-01-16T16:55:00.002-07:00

I saw the surgeon yesterday. I keep thinking each visit will bring answers, unfortunately with every answer, more unknowns show up. The tumor was a Medullary Carcinoma. It is very rare. The results took so long because the slides had to be sent to a specialist at the Mayo in Rochester. I feel pretty special knowing that part of me has now visited Minnesota. (And I didn't even get any pictures!) Mom and I also laughed that of course, my case would be one of the freaky ones... What did he call it... oh, an anatomical abnormality. (Like I didn't already know that!!!) Well, I will never be normal no matter how hard I try!

The good news is, I wont be needing radiation. The bad news is, I have a big lab work up that has to be done. But has to be momentarily put on hold til my new insurance begins on Tuesday. The labs are because:

About 80% of the time, this is sporadic, its just a fluke that just starts growing.
About 20% of the time, there is a genetic marker that kinda predetermines whether you are going to get it.

We have to determine which kind it is because Reed may also have that marker. If he does, his thyroid will also have to be removed as soon as possible. The surgeon said if it isn't tracked, he could be full blown malignant by 10. This is also important, because my sisters are starting to wonder if this little marker is possibly what has been causing havoc for them. (No cancer seen in any of them, but if there is a genetic link, this is important to know)

I will also have to be tested to see if it has spread. The tumor itself is out and the questional lymph nodes that they removed were benign, so that is really hopeful. I will continue to be screened for a specific hormone the tumor produces. The sooner that level increases or doubles the more likely it has spread and will eventually be fatal. (Oh that was hard to type...) But if my levels remain stable or even decrease I will continue to have a normal healthy life like most common thyroid cancer survivors. And again the surgeon is confident that we caught it early, because of the small size and the benign lymph nodes.

I will continue to update the blog and keep my facebook up to date as soon as I know more.

I appreciate all your concern, your love and prayers. I appreciate your own similar experiences that were shared and gave me confidence and increased hope. I know that I have already been so blessed through this. I also appreciate that I know that I can call in favors if needed. This is going to be a stressful next few weeks/months, but I know I am being strengthened through the love and blessing of a Heavenly Father and through my family and friends who continue to plea to Him on my behalf.
I know that He has sent me you to help through your prayers and service. My prayer is that I can learn what I need to from this experience and be able to look back on it as just one of life's many stepping stones that will eventually make me who I need to become.

A little behind (like any kind of behind has only been little around here)

2010-01-09T13:38:00.002-07:00

First and foremost: If you were scheduled to be on the recieving end of 2009 Made by Me giveaway, (Katherine and Jennifer I believe) I must apologize. (Its cut out. Its not done yet.) In the rules it stated I had til the end of the year. I was gonna pretend like I thought it was a year from the date of the post, but then I figured I better just say.... Ya never know when something may show up in you mailbox. But it wont be in 2009. Obviously.

Next, the fun stuff. For those of you wondering how I ended up having surgery so quickly. Here's a quick little overview of Cancer Watch 2009-2010.
-- Last summer my OBGYN suggested I go visit an endocrinologist because of one (just one) hormone that was outta range.
-- October, I finally got into see said endocrinologist. (Waiting list cause he is good.)
-- He ran a bunch of labs, everything normal. But palpated a nodule on my thyroid.
-- November, had an ultrasound of thyroid to find a 1 1/2 x 2 1/2 cm growth.
-- December 17, had a needle biopsy. Was told Dr was going out of town so I may or may not get the results back before the new year.
-- December 21, recieved a call from the Dr saying to be in his office Thursday at 8:30 (before the office opens) to discuss the results.
-- Christmas Eve, I was told:
Biopsy results showed abnormal cells -- but it was inconclusive whether or not it was malignant. Find a surgeon to remove half or all of the thyroid. (By then I had already texted friend to get her surgeon father to do the surgery.) As I left, the nurse said Merry Christmas and smiled and said: "dont worry, if you have to have cancer this is the best kind to have."
I then went back to work to finish off the rest of my day.
I dropped off all the notes at the surgeons house, talked with him a minute and he said his office would contact me about an appointment. I explained that it would either have to be before the end of the year or I would have to wait til March. (I start my new job 1/19/10 and cant miss the training at all.)
Enjoyed Christmas festivities, but all the time wondered what I would do. I knew from the start I would be ok.... I just didn't know what would happen that would eventually get me to well.
-- December 30, surgery day. Went perfectly. Thyroid completely removed along with a couple lymph nodes.
-- January 7, Dr Walker says its healing great and looks better than he expected it to. The bad news is: the pathologist couldn't tell what it was they took out. Its not common. My thyroid is being sent out to more pathologists to look at cause it is a "anatomical abnormality". (Mom and I laughed hard when he called it that. I said, "What's new, I didn't need a surgeon to tell me that!) So I still dont know whether I get to be radioactive or not. The good news is: its out!

I am hoping to find out Monday and will keep everyone posted. In the mean time:
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your meals and visits.
Thank you for the texts of encouragement.

Its funny. I have been through lots in the past few years. And I used to complain and say, "I could deal with all these problems so much easier if I didn't have to deal with them alone. Its so hard to feel picked on and unloved." (Meaning, if I was married this would be much easier to bear my health problems. Keeping a positive outlook is tough without a soft place to fall or a shoulder to cry on.) This time I realized, I may not have a man to hold me and tell me its gonna be ok. But I have about a BAZILLION friends and family that are there. And no one person coulda given all the love and support that the collective have given during these days. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Manheim Steamroller Sucks A**

2009-12-24T09:44:00.004-07:00

Its been way too long since my last snarky post. So in honor of the season -- Here are just a few things I HATE about Christmastime. I'm sorry ahead of time, cause I know someone, somewhere will be offended.

Bell ringing Ok, I know its for a good cause and I keep quarters in my purse for anytime I run into them. But honestly!! The ringing, its killing me. When I finally get rich Im gonna walk up to them with a big bill and say, Ill pay you $1oo to stop just until I leave this store...

Celebrity "save the world" Christmas songs Put your money where your mouth is. Stop singing your stupid songs. Just go do something to help and please don't tell me about it. But stop making me feel bad for enjoying my Christmas celebrations which are way less elaborate then some dumb celebrity's.

Las Vegas Lights Christmas lights should be tasteful. If I get an adrenaline rush from the thought of hitting the jackpot when I drop off your Christmas goodies, you should probably tone it down a bit. Nor should your lights inspire me to start singing Dave Matthews "Ants Marching".

The Christmas Shoes Song This kinda follows along the same line as the Celebrity Christmas song complaint. While this is a sweet little Christmas short story, this makes a mushy super sap song. Keep it in print. The song is way too much. And again, I dont wanna feel bad during Christmas.

The Happy Holiday Feud Im gonna say Merry Christmas cause its Christmas. I dont care what you are celebrating. Just cause you choose not to celebrate doesn't mean Im gonna hide the fact that I do. If you get offended cause you wanna celebrate Hannaukah or Quanza or whatever and not Christmas, Im sorry. If you were to say Happy Quanza to me, I might look at ya funny as I am the whitest girl I know, but I wouldn't get offended. Get over it!

Manheim Steamroller I hate, hate, hate Manheim Steamroller. I hear the concerts are amazing. But I am sorry.... I am not inspired by its John Tesh meets the Disney Electric Light Parade feel. Its lame at minimum and beyond obnoxious in general. So to that all I can say is:

Manheim Steamroller Sucks A**

What we CAN do....

2009-11-30T08:08:00.003-07:00

For those wondering what YOU can do to help stop the deterioration of our country and our freedoms.... Please read the following letter from a fellow Christian, a stranger to me, but a concerned American reminding us of the ONE thing that WILL make a difference. I invite you to join me and millions of other Americans on Sunday December 6th in fasting and prayer for our nation. As I have posted before (Hows that thread holding), I believe God is the only one that can save our country, God is the one that can inspire us to know what WE need to be doing.

DAY OF FASTING AND PRAYER FOR AMERICA

We, my wife and I, are firmly convinced that our elected politicians are incapable of representing the will of the American people – and incapable of adhering to the Constitution of the United States of America which they took a solemn oath to uphold and defend.

We are among the millions of U.S. Citizens who are at our wits end sending e-mails, faxes, telephoning, meeting with elected officials, demonstrating, rallying – and hoping – that those representatives will do the will of the people. They have failed. Have we, as well?
The United States of America is a choice land, a nation that was founded by our forefathers who were divinely inspired by God the Father Almighty.

This choice nation has been the defender of freedom throughout its relatively short history. We have led in the fight for freedom against many tyrants and dictators who have plundered and pilfered their citizens and have subjected them to great sufferings through blood and horror.

The people of those nations who suffered these great injustices knew that they could always depend upon the goodness, power and righteousness of the United States of America to extract them from their plights, and it was done – many times over. It was not done without expense – the expense of the blood and sacrifice of the members of our armed forces – and the suffering of their families.

As the year 2009 soon comes to a close, we the citizens of the United States of America find ourselves facing many of the challenges – which those nations suffered at the hands of their political leaders. We are being attacked from within!

Who do we turn to? To which great nation can we turn to help us keep and maintain our freedom? We do not have the same hope of those nations to whom we were benefactors.
We MUST turn to our Savior. If we are a righteous people, we will be deserving of, and receive of His blessings as He has promised. He suffered and died for us – He atoned for our sins; each one of us - individually.

We know that - as a nation – we can once again be the choicest of lands. However, we cannot achieve that blessing without our willingness to please our Lord and Savior.

We are asking that all who read this message that have faith in Christ designate Sunday December 6, 2009 as a day of fasting and prayer for America .

You do not have to march on the nation’s Capitol nor go to a tea bag rally. From the comfort of your home, you can get on bended knee and with a broken heart and contrite spirit, petition the Lord to bless this nation generously according to His will. Then, keep the fast for that day. Make that Christ-like commitment to our Heavenly Father. He will listen, He will answer. That has been promised.

“And whatsoever he shall ask the father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you.” (3 Nephi 18-20) “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” (Matthew 21:22)

Joe and Janice Hagen St. George, UT.

Thanksgiving thoughts

2009-11-27T09:04:00.003-07:00

Thanksgiving is always a weird time of the year for me. I am usually sick. Which often keeps me from the usual thanksgiving binge and does not stir very thankful feelings in me.
The past few years have been more healthy (as I am not snotting myself or delirous from fever) but have been a struggle to find my thankful heart. This year was no exception. Faced with struggles and frustrations that seem insurmountable, I find myself stirring the feelings of a glass half empty. But I know there is so much to be grateful for. So here is my list of some of the things I am grateful for when I changed my perspective:

-- A son who loves me, even when I am a less than stellar mom. All my mess ups all my inadequacies melt away when he hugs me.

-- A son with a major stubborn streak. I know it makes my job harder now, but I am hoping that I can harness it and channel it and he will be "firm, steadfast and immovable" as this world spins out of control.

-- A minor health scare that reminds me that my time is limited and that I still have a lot to accomplish. The reminder that life is precious and that I need to not waste any second.

-- A home. Its not the most ideal of living situations, but I am sheltered, safe and secure. Small as it is, its full of love (and hotwheels and trains).

-- Family. They make me crazy (or at least they genetically predetermined my high chances of insanity), but I wouldn't trade them for the world. They are the reason I survive the whirlwind that seems to be my life.

-- A year of struggles that remind me that I dont have to do it all, that I dont have to do it all by myself and that both are ok. (Cause Im good enough, Im smart enough and dog-gone it, people like me! Ha ha... I swear thats what that sounded like....)

-- A job that pays the bills, a good looking resume (that will hopefully get me job I dont hate.. that pays the bills), and a desire to get more of an education and continue to better myself.

-- A sense of humor that helps me laugh when I want to cry, makes me appreciate the beauty of Will Ferrell movies and enables me to change song lyrics so I walk around like Im in my own little personalized musical. It also allows me to drive my ugly truck and not comletely fall apart from embarissment....

-- A truck, even if ugly, that gets me to work and teaches me humility.

-- Friends that always seem to know exactly when to call, text or show up, that always seem to know exactly what to say and more importantly what not to say. (THANK YOU!!!)

-- An understanding of the bigger picture. A knowledge that I am watched over by a loving God that wants the best for me, even if it includes the painful process of "becoming".

Jennsylvania's New New Moon

2009-11-21T18:45:00.001-07:00

This is a must see. Go visit www.jennsylvania.com for her new new moon post. Its just stills, but I laughed just the same.

DO SOMETHING MORE

2009-11-18T14:51:00.004-07:00

So I was listening to Glenn today at lunch and he was going on his usual tangent (which I eat up, of course) and he said we need to wake up. That we needed to wake up and do something. Me being me and naturally playing the "song lyric/movie line game" started singing the hymn, Have I Done Any Good? And it reminded me of a post I was mulling over ages ago and never did write, so I will attempt it now.

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone's burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

There are chances for work all around just now,
Opportunities right in our way.
Do not let them pass by, saying, "sometime I'll try,"
But go and do something today.
'Tis noble of man to work and to give;
Love's labor has merit alone.
Only he who does something helps others to live.
To God each good work will be known.

Before you all stop reading and wonder when Im gonna get to my point... Ill get to it, I promise.
This was a common hymn choice growing up but I spent my whole childhood and into my early adulthood singing it WRONG! I know! How is it possible? The lyrics are right there typed out, but I sang it wrong every single time.

I did really good through the verses. But for some reason I got the Chorus and messed it all up. See the chorus reads:

Then wake up and do something more
Than dream of your mansion above.
Doing good is a pleasure,
A joy beyond measure,
A blessing of duty and love.

I know its pretty simple, but please say I am not alone in messing this one up. See I always sang it as:
Wake up and do something more.
THEN dream of your mansion above.

And while some of you are saying, "Umm, yeah, and...." Really if you think about it, its kinda a HUGE difference. (In fact read it both ways again, I was singing the exact opposite of the message the good Will Thompson was intending.... OOPS! My bad Will.)
Never once in this or any other hymn are we allowed any time to sit and think about how great it will be when its all said and done and we get to be in heaven... There is not time for that. There is so much we need to be doing. And honestly if a dream of our heavenly mansion is our only motivation, I think we still have lots to learn and have kinda missed the overarching point of it all. As reads in the second verse, "Love's labor has merit alone."
So next time you sing this in church, you all can laugh at how silly I was to be singing this song wrong for the majority of my life....

The Cloward - Piven Strategy

2009-11-06T07:43:00.002-07:00

The more I learn, the more I realize I do not know enough... The more I learn, the more I realize the Winston Churchill quote: A nation that forgets its past are doomed to repeat it. May I add that a nation that forgets its past and ignores other nations mistakes are doomed to repeat them. If you want an eye opening look at current politics, follow the link. Let me know what you think.

http://swampie.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/puzzled-by-obamas-missteps-read-the-cloward-piven-strategy/

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T20:18:00.008-07:00

So...If you have to shave a head for a halloween costume, you MUST take a couple mohawk pictures too....Reed didn't seem to agree.

SHREK!

Reed still didn't seem to get the concept of people wanting to give him candy, so we only visited a couple people. When we went home, he did realize that we were passing out candy to people coming to our door. He then proceeded to help himself to a piece of candy everytime someone at the door got one. He really liked that part. Maybe next year...

Greener Grass

2009-10-30T12:53:00.004-07:00

So after a few not posted comments to my blog, a few observations from both myself and my mom, a very amazing talk on Sunday, and a temple recommend interveiw with my bishop (I KNOW--ARE YOU EXCITED AS I AM?), I have come to the conclusion that I have a very bad attitude.

I have decided that the current set of challenges are God's current lesson plan to teach me how to be happy, no matter what. Bishop empathized with me and said that this is probably one of the toughest lessons to learn. I assured him that God was not scrimping on the lessons....

So I woke up today, exhaused, but happy for Friday. I had a renewed goal to be happy, to be grateful, to be content.

This was going well. And then the physical therapists started in on me at work, and have been relentless. Close to tears before I ever made it to lunchtime, I thought what a stupid day to choose to start being Pollyanna! Unfortunately, I dont think circumstances at work or in life in general will change anytime soon. So, in an attempt to help my attitude, I will work on my current "life theory".

The grass is always greener on the other side.

We hear this a lot. What I have only started to ponder on is:

How did "their" grass get so green?

Rainy Days
Manure (I promised mom I would not use naughty words for this one...)
Trimming
Lotsa yard work

If this is the case, Im gonna have an amazing lawn!!! And eventually people will being looking at my greener grass with envy. Cause contrary to the 2009 Almanac, there has been an abundance of rain lately. Add to that, a load of manure spread evenly throughout the year.

So now I just got some trimming and some yard work to do. (See Dad's lessons on the $5 yard.)

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

2009-10-23T13:20:00.003-07:00

Yesterday's quote of the day came from the one and only L. Frank Baum. If you are scratching your head thinking, "who?" He was the writer of Wizard of Oz.
A few years back, while in NY for my sister's wedding reception, we took a quick little trip to visit his home town, Chittenango, NY. (ps I voted to take a trip to the city, but it never happened.... I was not happy.)
That should say it all... I should end this before I even begin. Cause honestly, the name fits the town. Its a tiny town that has only survived by clutching onto the fact that "the" Mr. Baum was was born there. Otherwise, it would be only what its name suggests. A rest-stop. To Sh** and then Go.... Anyway, this is all neither here nor there. It just helps to accent my disgust for Mr Frank Baum and his self importance.

The quote of the day read: I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.

PALEEZE: Who the L. Frank Baum do you think you are? Give me a break.

Now I could go on and on about the power of one and give many quotes that conclude that Mr Baum is full of what tourists leave behind in their visit to his hometown.

So in response to Mr Baum's opinion on the common man, all I have to say is: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT....

The Deal, AKA the Raw Deal

2009-10-21T14:36:00.004-07:00

So a few days ago Mom told me I needed to do a follow up. She said that there were probably more than a few people thinking that I had cancer or something.
The good news is that the bad news is not health related. Although I have developed a head cold and the bad news may eventually effect my health....
But No, nothing so severe as that. As I mentioned before, at any other time in my life this wouldn't even be a blip on my radar. I woulda bitched about it for a day and then moved on. But not so. Its funny how all of the sudden things change when ya got a kid in tow. All the sudden you jump to how things effect them. Sure, at most its an inconvenience for me, but for Reed... its a complete change in routine. Which for a two year old is no small thing.... As some of you may know.
Anyway, work gave me a kind of ultimatum. I could move to the Central Phoenix office or I could get laidoff. When I asked for some kind of monetary compensation. They said no, I was just lucky to have a job.... ASSES!!!
So instead of the posh set up I had working 2 miles from home, working 4 days a week, working with people I like.... I now have a 45 minute commute (on a good day.... 25 miles from home), I work 5 days a week, with another front office girl that seems to be quite unhappy that I am here. (add to that the financial aspect.... another day of daycare to pay for and a whole lot more gas to pay for. And with the disappearance of child support, Im feeling a bit pinched.... More like sunk....)
So if you have recieved an email regarding my current job hunt. YEAH!!! Please keep an eye out. If you haven't, its probably cause you dont live in AZ. But if you have any out of state prospects worth looking into feel free to send them on. I would probably consider it at this point.

So to sum up. No, Im not dying. Im just really good at finding new things to bitch about.

There is just no way to title it....

2009-10-15T17:31:00.002-07:00

Ok God. So I'm having a really hard time not thinking that you must totally hate me..... You gotta help me understand this one. Cause Im not and Im starting to feel a little (actually a lot) picked on. At any other time in my life, this would be nothing. But this is everthing, now. How do I fix it? How do I weather it? And what will it do to Reed?

Fortune Cookie Fun

2009-10-13T08:32:00.002-07:00

Its been a while since I had a fortune that was worth sharing. But yesterday I went and got chinese from some whole in the wall place. The food was so-so, but I had a good laugh.

You maintain a sense of balance in the midst of great success.

I dont quite know what to make of it. At first I found it funny cause you know I am sooooo very successful. Then I realized maybe its not my success that I am in the midst of. Kinda like being the middle child. Studies show that middle children are the most well adjusted adults basically because they get ignored. (Ok, ok that isn't really the reason. ) Maybe I should say they are a bit overshadowed by the precedence of the oldest and the rotten monster shenanigans (that are considered cute, BTW) of the youngest.
But I dont have issues....HAHAHA.

So then I decided to list my great successes that I gracefully float through with a sense of balance. But after a couple I decided it was way too sarcastic and self depreciating... even for me.

So then I decided to brainstorm who else may be providing the surrounding great success that I manage to be surrounded by..... But I realize I surround myself with crazy more than anything else... So I scrapped that.

So.... I finally just decided to read said Fortune cookies thus:

You will maintain a sense of balance in the midst of your great success.

Dont worry, I wont forget all the "Little People" that helped make me who I am. HAHAHAHA
(SIGH)

Realities of War

2009-10-12T08:51:00.008-07:00

(FYI: this is the one that broke my heart....)

Thank you to Joe for letting me use his pictures. So I have been following as best as I can the course of the war. I have seen friends leave and return. I have seen aquaintances not return. I have listened to those in power use it to further their political careers. And my opinion on its neccessity has swung back and forth like a pendulum.

None of this mattered when I saw the above pictures. See Joe, made it personal. For some reason seeing his sweet face out there in the heat surrounded by guns... (and not little guns for sport, but GUNS) broke me. I cried.

I held Joe as a baby. (He was Joey then...) I used to watch him now and again. I remember playing video games with him and being totally mad that he could beat me every time when playing some monster truck game. I remember his gloating because he did win every time.

So after much thought, this is my view.

If the war is necessary, then we need to give it our all. Stop stalling on sending more troops. When they say they need em, send em. They should have our 100% effort on this end. Cause God knows they are giving their 100% over there. After all... Mr President, This is originally the only thing the Federal government was originally intended for. Not for some TARP to save businesses that should be allowed to fail and for lining the pockets of those that got you into office. Not some bullshit Medical care coverage for illegal aliens, not some program teaching kids to sing praises to the almighty Obama. The only power and responsibility the federal government was intended for was for protecting the states as a whole from international threats and for building international relationships. So if this is the case, all the energy spent elsewhere right now needs to be refocused. If this is a necessary war, then get to work and fight this with all we got. Not half heartedly, in an attempt to please all the people and try to salvage a second term of office.

If the war is not necessary, then get us the hell outta there.

Now, notice I did not say whether I believed the war was necessary. I have no idea. I do find it telling that the President Elect Obama had big promises for removing us and now as President Obama has now decided not to follow through with his promises (although this doesn't say much considering how many of his promises have remainded unfulfilled-- Thank goodness!!). Now privvy to Presidential info, more troops have been sent. And more continue to be requested. Still, I can honestly say, I dont know. So I will leave you with this....

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disasterous as to lose one. - Agatha Christie

And to Joe, his buddies and all others fighting. My prayers are with you. I appreciate your willingness to serve.

Abide with Me

2009-10-07T12:51:00.007-07:00

The other night I was listening to the IPod that was passed down to me. (Yes I still get hand me down, and gratefully BTW.) Random songs played and all of the sudden I found myself in tears listening to the Hailey Westerna version of Abide with Me.

The "funk" that I was experiencing a few weeks back has never really subsided. I am struggling against my natural tendency to become "bitter party of one". Now I know we all have our seasons, I know we all have our struggles. I get it. But guess what. There are only a few of you who get to go through those trials with no help meet. There are only a few of you who know what its like to not have a "soft place to fall." There are only a few of you who really get what its like to be celibate. (Especially after a season of not). So before anyone quickly responds with sweet condolences, dont. Cause honestly. It would test our friendship. I would get ugly, really ugly. Im just venting and taking the long way round to get to my point.

And to be quite honest, the point is more a reminder for me. Readers are just along for the ride. You may read and be sympathetic... BUT DO NOT TELL ME AS MUCH!!!! If I have one more pitiful look, I will scream. And again it will not be pretty. (But again, I digress....)

So while listening to the IPod, the waterworks turned on and I had a bitter, but healing cry. I think that sometimes music is the only way I survive and keep hope up when everything tells me there is no reason to hope or to try or to even bother. Since hearing the hymn, it has been constantly running through my head. Probably saving me from doing something really, really stupid.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through clouds and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

If there was ever anyone watching the darkness deepen, if there was ever anyone feeling completely helpless and without comfort, it is me....
I see glimpses of comfort, but no long term answers to my pleas for help. So I will just keep singing my hymns and having a good cry now and again.

Looking for inspiration

2009-10-07T09:18:00.003-07:00

So in an attempt to really get me enthusiastic about writing again, (I have had a bit of a dry spell lately), I have been looking for outside catalysts to help. This is what I have found so far.

-- What seems mundane and trivial is the very stuff that discovery is made of. Edward Lindaman

-- Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly

--Never hope more than you work. Rita Mae Brown

The last is now vinyl on my wall. But in order to be more "positive" its reads: Work as hard as you wish. I like it. (Although I think some days I tend to read and say, "I do not wish to work today....") But it got me motivated enough to open up my files and read the little I have already written. Now I just gotta commit to getting more down. Thanks to Amy for continuing to kindly remind me that I need to get to work.

Why wait....?

2009-10-01T13:40:00.002-07:00

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

I know I said I would wait a while, but I couldn't help myself. If you like Jane Austen, let me introduce you to my new friend, Elizabeth Gaskell. She is a contemporary or I suppose you could call her the next generation in English lit. And I have fallen in love with her writing. (And also with the BBC adaptations of her writing.)

"Margaret, do not dispise me; I have a heart, not withstanding all this good-for-nothing way of talking. As a proof of it, I believe I love you more than ever- if I do not hate you- for the distain with which you have listened to me this half hour. " North and South, Elizabeth Gaskell.

I think I am so infatuated with these authors because not only can they write a great man speech, they also write amazing man speech rebuttles, AKA: the refusal. Maybe next post Ill enter a few of the refusals. They crack you up. And when you aren't laughing at them, you are screaming back at them for being so stupid for refusing the diamonds in the rough.

I have now just realized I live too much in fantasy.... I need a real life.

Its not breathing, but it has a pulse...

2009-09-30T15:36:00.002-07:00

So romance may be close to obsolete in my personal life. Really. This is where you absolutely dont respond with a "dont worry honey, you're next" and definately not a "there is someone out there for everyone, just be patient" and I can't guarantee your safety if you say, "he is still being groomed, he will be ready for you soon." B-A-R-F!

But in an attempt to rekindle my hope and to "get my fix" so to speak, I will now share with you a favorite "man speech" and we can pretend together that it is directed at me. (Sigh)

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant." Jane Austen - Persuasion

For those of you not familiar with Persuasion. It is my favorite of all the Jane Austen stories. Go find the 1996 (I think) Cyrian Hinds version. And have a good cry for/with me. Cause maybe just maybe, even though all you smug marrieds are not suffering from the plague of being single, you may just be needing a romance fix as much as I do.

FYI: I enjoyed this so much, I may just have to have a "man speech" periodically.
Next time, I think I will pull it from North and South (Elizabeth Gaskell) or Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen). There are tons to choose from....

Parenting for Dummies

2009-09-25T14:44:00.003-07:00

So I, needing all the help I can get, have been on the hunt for some good parenting books specific to boys.
Mom found me a book called "So You Want to Raise a Boy" by Cleon Skousen. I found this humorous. And tried not to get my feelings hurt thinking my mom was commenting on my parenting skills or lack there of.
After some not so proud parenting moments in my short but full career.... I have decided that I too should write a parenting book. Mine will be a straightforward, honest look at the beauty of parenting. Here is my brainstorming for titles. These may also just end up being chapter titles.

1. So you want to beat your child.....

2. When your childs first name is Dammit

3. The flusher, the flooder, and the flatulent. Boys in bathrooms

4. Oh my gosh, is that poop? And other things you never thought you would be saying...

5. Watching for split pea soup... (aka: no, your child isn't possessed.)

6. Nobody told me your real name was Damien...

7. Sanity is not an option.

8. When all else fails, lock them up. (this one is dedicated to Amy...)

9. Gifted and obnoxious aren't the same thing. (a book for stage moms....)

10. Oh Shit, I am turning into my mother... (This is dead on perfect for me.... cause boy is it happening!)

Alice, Alice, Wake Up Alice

2009-09-24T15:40:00.003-07:00

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
Cat: You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.
(Alice in Wonderland)

I have way too many moments in my life where I realize that I am Alice, surrounding myself with insanity and then wondering why I am the only sane person in the room and then wondering why everyone else thinks I am crazy.

God is Awake

2009-09-21T09:18:00.003-07:00

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.

---Victor Hugo

I have had a pretty low past couple weeks. Im not sure why. No big stress, just the constant push to make it through the day. I was glad to find this quote.

Too often of late, I have to be reminded that God is not asleep at the helm. Too often as of late, I have needed reassurance. But I bump along in the storm, white knuckled and continually cry out, "Carest thou not that we perish?" or in modern Emily terms, "Can't you see me? Im breaking down. I cant do it anymore." And in the moments that I am willing to listen, I can hear so very quietly..." The wind and the waves shall obey my will, Peace be still."

And then I have to take a deep breath, and continue to push forward.

Still

2009-09-14T13:29:00.003-07:00

Reed and I had a pretty good day at church yesterday. Usually we end up in the hallway for the sacrament and then go home. But we lasted most of the meeting before heading home for a nap. It was the primary presentation. A big woo-hoo goes out to little sis Ella for her violin performance. Outstanding! You are amazing.

As a part of the program, the congregation sang the third verse of How Firm A Foundation. (For those of you who didn't know...) This is one of my favorite hymns. It was one of those that got me through tough times in Montana. I remember sitting through meetings sobbing as we sang it. So it holds a ton of memories and emotions in it. Anyway, the third verse:

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.
I strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

So the use of the word "Still" really stuck out to me. I never really noticed it before. But its a comfort to me now. See, sometimes we think we have made too many mistakes or we just aren't worthy for God's help. But God will never turn his back on us. No matter what, He will still give us aid. We are never so far gone that we cannot be redeemed. That is the beauty of the gospel.

I can even hear the conversation in my head...

Me: Umm. Are you there?
God: Yes, Emily, How are you today?
Me: Much the same. I'm just checking in.
God: Well, I am here.
Me: I know. Sometimes I forget.
God: Oh, dont I know it!
Me: Ha ha. Thats funny. You know everything.
God: Well, Im here when you remember again. And Ill probably find ways to help you remember if you do forget.
Me: Like last time?
God: Yeah. Like last time. And the time before. And before that.
Me: Yeah. Im pretty predictable, huh.
God: Yeah. But I know everything anyway, remember.
Me: Yes. You got me again. You really do have a great sense of humor.
God: I do. But dont ever think that I dont take you and your life seriously. Ill always be here.
Me: Even if.....?
God: Even if..... But how bout you just take my word for it and not try it.
Me: Ok. Sounds good. But what if.....
God: Yes. Even then.
Me: OR.....
God: Even then.
Me: But what about.....
God: You silly child. Aren't you catching on yet? Even then.
Me: Oh. OK. Can you hear me now? HAHA Im kidding.
God: I know. (sigh)
(See I know that I make God sigh a lot... this is a common occurance.)
Me: Ok. Well. Ill probably ask again tomorrow. So be ready.
God: I'll be here waiting. Have a blessed day.
Me: Isn't that kinda up to you?
God: No, Emily, That's kinda up to you.... (chuckle, sigh)
Me: Ok thanks.

See you may laugh. But thats probably the most realistic example of my prayers. People think Im crazy watching me talking (to what seems to be myself, but isn't) as I drive down the road and stuff. But you get the idea. STILL?

The quote for the day....

2009-09-09T17:24:00.004-07:00

There is an ancient saying, famous among men, that thou shouldst not judge fully of a man's life before he dieth, whether it should be called blessed or wretched.

--Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC)

Funny that this is the quote for the day as I watch Reed's dad return to prison this week. There is a part of me that sighs with relief. There is a part of me that is saddened that he has not yet recognized that he is better than the life he chooses to lead. My hope is that he will eventually learn the lessons he needs to, so that he can become a man one would judge as blessed. I find comfort in this. Not only for Reed's fathers sake, but for my own.

My life too has had major valleys, major low point, times that I look back at with shame. But I can also look back at those times and use them as a baseline to see how far I have come. And it gives me an opportunity to recognize how far I still have to go so that my own life can be called blessed.

Catching up.

2009-08-30T22:00:00.017-07:00

The one downfall of blogging at work (shh... dont tell) is that I dont have access to my pictures. So this post is way past due. Instead of doing each separately, I figured a pic tells a thousand words. So here is what my sweet little man has been up to lately.

Birthday celebrations with Daddy at Chuckie Cheese's. Who knew there were celebrities there!

Aunt Nan loves Reed so much she was willing to make his the bestest cake ever.

This was Reed's reaction. He loved it.

"Smile Reed", and this is what I get. Oh well.

And Reed got Thomas all to himself. S-P-O-I-L-E-D!!

Martin Family Campout 2009. This was my favorite shot. Check out those legs!

Reed and his favorite, Uncle Brian. Reed loved going out hiking and Brian was the best to keep taking him exploring. (I actually got a nap!)

Camping. HOW ADORABLE! What do people with ugly kids take pictures of?

Best Buddies.

Helping Papa with the yard work.

Tom is Reed's new pal for setting mom up with this sweet computer. Reed is super excited for the aquarium screen saver and all the movies that got put on it just for him.

Reed's new favorite passtime is to wash dishes. This is just fine, except he usually throws all the clean drying dishes into the soaking dishes. Making extra work for mom. But I am hoping to exploit this new talent later on.

Reed still doesn't say much these days. But he sure knows how to communicate. I believe this is his way of saying, "Damn it mom, put away the stupid camer and leave me alone!"

New Perspective

2009-08-24T15:24:00.002-07:00

This past Saturday, I attended a funeral for David King. He was an aquaintence at most. But the little contact I had with him led me to believe I knew him very well. His death shook me. It was overwhelming to think, "he is my age. He is my age and he was taken home."

The funeral was a simple, but beautiful service. His parents and close friends spoke of his life. It was a life spent with no regrets, no wasted moments, no fear --except the fear of not making the most of his time.

David was not supposed to live. The night he was born, his parents were told to prepare for the worst, that he would not make it through the night. With the skill of a surgeons hands, the technology of a pioneering surgery and the grace of God, he lived long beyond his expected time. Maybe that is why he lived the way he did. He was ravenous for information and had a knack for recalling facts he learned. He was implusive and fun. (Which explains how he became introduced to me, when he ran off to Vegas to marry my dear friend Sara.) In this short, sweet service, I was reminded of a very important lesson. And that is simply, to live.

I think we get so busy with the routine, that we forget that all of our days are numbered. We forget that we need to make the most of our time. David had this special insight, knowing he was living on "borrowed time." It gave him a perspective I yearn for. It gave him a fearlessness, a love of the days he had and the desire to make the most of every second. I want this. In the short 4 months that I knew of David and the short 2 months that I spoke with him, I never met him, but I knew he was something special. I am glad for the few encounters and all that I learned from his life. My prayer is that I walk away from this short aquaintence with a renewed joy for life, with the desire to make the most of my time, with the courage to live without fear, to speak my beliefs loudly, to find all the treasures that life can give and to LIVE like David lived.

Thank you David. For the glimpse into a life well lived, for the reminder that I can live and make my life an inspiration to others. You will be missed! And I expect you to be waiting at my finish line, cheering me on. I expect a hug and a job well done because I will LIVE my life from this day forward.

David Michael King

November 29, 1977 to August 14, 2009

Too many tears to shed.

2009-08-18T15:53:00.002-07:00

Its been a stressful past week or so.
I am waiting to hear from Reed's father about seeing Reed prior to his return to, (I cant think of a funny way of putting it, so Ill just throw it out there), prison. I keep waiting and waiting, but I hear nothing. Which usually isn't a good sign. Part of me will be relieved when its all said and done and I dont have to feel like I have to anticipate the unexpected from his father. But a much bigger part of me is just sad for how everything has turned out. I wanted him to rise to the challenge of parenthood. It breaks my heart that he hasn't been able to yet.
I have hit a major crossroads in life and cant see what to do next. I am frozen at a precipice wondering, "do I take the leap of faith?" or do I turn around and find a different path. I know things cant remain the way they are.
I have watch loved ones suffer more than anyone should. I want so much to take away their pains, but realize I have no immediate solution, no balm to ease their ache.
My heart seems to ache constantly as of late too. Not the ache of a failed romance or the ache of damages done by another, but a sore constant ache for something I cannot define. I am weary.
Everything makes me cry. Veggie tales made me cry. I cried while cleaning the kitchen. I cried when the birthday cake I made for my sister didn't harden soon enough. I cried for a new friend that I will not continue to get to know because he has since been called home. I cried for my dear Sara who is a widow for the second time this year. I cried because I feel so guilty for crying over my problems that are trivial in comparison. I cried with frustration that I feel so stuck and agitated with current circumstances. I cried because Im afraid to change said circumstances because I might make another mistake. I cried because I couldnt even get a small car loan because of my credit. How humiliating, how sad to be too risky. I cant blame them, but I cried anyway.
While the tears are shed and dried and my game face is back on, there are more waiting in the wing. I can feel them building.

Long work week

2009-08-13T16:24:00.002-07:00

I got too much time on my hands. Thats all there is to it.

WALL-E --- Well Worth another Watch

2009-08-11T08:28:00.007-07:00

For all of you who were a little put off by WALL-E and the blatant global warming/Al Gore/ anti consumerism/anti capitalism propaganda, here's a reason to give it another chance.

WALL-E and I have become fast friends as that is Reed's new favorite movie. I am glad for the break from Thomas the Tank Engine and his other (very obnoxious) train movies. The songs from them are still stuck in my head.... So I appreciate the songs from Helly Dolly replacing them. But I digress.

After watching WALL-E for the billionth time, maybe I have been indoctrinated enough to find merit in its message. Here is my attempt to sway you.

Lately the subjects of survival, self reliance, preparedness and such have been nagging at me. I recently prepared my (and Reed's) 72 hour kit. (And one of these days I'll get to that post.) Before you ask, "What in the world does WALL-E have to do with this?" let me explain.

For a long time, we as a society have been acting very similar to those people on the Axiom. Everything was handed to them. Everything was automated. They need not lift a finger or get up from their shuttle seats. They had no concept of the world surrounding them because they were too busy looking at the computer screen continuously in front of them. Because they didn't need to do anything for themselves, they became unable to do anything for themselves.

While the Axiom is a gross exaggeration of what can happen, we can see this slow decline in ourselves if we take a moment to look.

--- How many of us rely on the drive thru to provide dinner?

--- How many of us rely on the Safeway bakery to provide bread?

--- How many of us rely on the ATM machine to pop out cash 24 hours a day?

--- How many of us rely on the Credit Card to make up for a negative bank account?

--- How many of us rely on the Mobil station to have gas at a moments notice?

--- How many of us rely on the 24 hour Walmart to have any basics we need all the time?

--- How many of us rely on our car for short trips to close by destinations?

Ok, ok, you get it... And yes, I am as guilty as the next person. And its ok that you answered yes

to all of the questions. BUT and this is a big BUT... DO YOU HAVE A BACK UP PLAN?

More importantly, do you have the skill set required to survive should all of the above disappear?

I'm not getting all doomsday on you, but this something that prophets, government leaders, and others have warned us about.

One of the most emphasized problems with this (our) society in WALL-E is the effect our "have it now, have it easy, no work involved" society has on us physically. All the people on the Axiom are severly overweight and unable to perform simple actions for themselves (including walking.)

Now we all know that I am not the poster child for successful weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight. This is another one of those things that have been nagging at me lately. More for Reed than any other reason. But if you need a little motivation or a new perspective to give you a push in the "healthier lifestyle" direction, read what a fellow blogger had to say.

Maintaining a higher level of Physical Fitness will increase your ability to survive the worst possible conditions. Unfortunately, many Americans are overweight and almost never engage in physical activity. When the balloon goes up and SHTF (shit hits the fan), your body may be the biggest asset you have during the crunch. Vehicles brake down and run out of gas but a well tuned fighting machine that is properly hydrated, nourished, and trained to endure the extremes will never fail you.... (survivetheworst.blogspot.com)

When things get tough (and I do mean when, not if) we will all be better off if we are starting from a good place physically, temporally, spiritually, mentally. This is the time to prepare. This is the time to start placing emergency plans. This is the time to begin increasing your skill set. This is the time to start paying attention to what is going on locally and federally. Soon, tomorrow will be too late. Now I'm not saying that you need to live on a farm and grow all you eat and never participate in the perks of urban living. Im just reminding you (and me) to keep it in proper perspective and not live completely reliant on it.

Tragic necessity? Aren't we being a little too dramatic?

2009-07-29T15:21:00.004-07:00

The quote of the day reads:

One realizes that human relationships are the tragic necessity of human life, that they can never be wholly satisfactory, that every ego is half the time greedily seeing them, and half the time pulling away from them.
---Willa Cather

Now my friend Willa was quite an interesting character. What she writes (both in her books and the random quotes from her I have read) reveals a lot about her. And many presume that she preferred to "taste the rainbow" so to speak. But as much as this quote is crazy revealing and seems on the bitter side of life, the more I read it, the more I tend to agree.

Relationships in all forms seem to be an awkward kind of dance to reach a comfortable middle ground from both participants. Add to that, each individual is constantly evolving, making the definition of what exactly is the middle ground just as fuzzy. I have seen the tug and pull that she refers to. I have been the seeker and I have been the one pulling away, as we all have at some point. No real lesson or overarching sum up. Just one of those human nature things that makes one laugh cause we are all so silly. Does that make it them a "tragic" necessity? I dont think so. It sure keeps life interesting.

Represent....

2009-07-28T16:46:00.002-07:00

On my computer at work, I have a quote:

You are called to represent the Savior. Your voice to testify becomes the same as His voice, your hands to lift the same as His hands. His work is to bless His Father's spirit children with the opportunity to choose eternal life. So, your calling is to bless lives. Your call has eternal consequences for others and for you. In the world to come, thousands may call your name blessed, even more than the people you serve here. They will be the ancestors and the decendants of those who chose eternal life because of something you said or did, or even what you were... You see, there are no small callings to represent the Lord.
---Henry B Eyring (who just happens to be my favorite)

So, today, instead of watching the clock tick ever so slowly on, I found myself reading through this quote. I read it often. But today, I kinda read it in opposite perspective. What about all those depending on my voice, my hands, my example.... when I choose NOT to speak, or choose NOT to help, or choose NOT to be a good example. In the world to come, thousands may call my name in disappointment, asking why I did nothing. They were counting on me and I chose wrong.

For a long time, my friend at Greenfield and Southern has been on my mind. I never knew his name but I would see him outside of Walgreen's or McDonalds frequently. If I was in the drive thru getting a breakfast burrito, I got two. He always said thanks, but I never took much time to talk to him (as I was always on my way to work or in a hurry) and now he is gone. I worried when I saw his things strewn about. I worried even more when I drove past and his things were completely gone. All I can think now is, What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to? Did I do enough? I thought maybe I should ask inside the local businesses to see if they knew where my friend went to... But part of me is afraid to ask. And then there is another part of me that thinks maybe just maybe if he is really gone, that is not a bad thing at all. But I am still afraid to ask... And there is still no sign of my friend.

For a long time and even still, I look at my time in Montana as a big waste or at least purely selfish. I feel like I gained a bunch ( not just weight, but life lessons) but I wasn't able to really feel successful in helping others... As I look at the list of baptisms and reactivations, none seemed to stay strong and quickly moved on to other philosophies. (Shoot even I kinda lost what I learned there for a while...) And while I felt such a strong prompting almost audible telling me, "You need to go now or it will be too late and then it wont really matter", there was and is no obvious reason for the specific time frame. I still dont know the reasons for all that happened in Montana. But it is another situation that I look back on and ask: What could I have done? Did I do what I was supposed to do? Did I do enough"

I guess this is a backwards call to action of sorts. For you and for me. I guess its time to really REPRESENT. But not just in name only. I have always been one that says that all the scripture reading, family night lessons, and prayers in the world are useless if you are not kind and look on your neighbors with a critical eye. In the end, love is the ultimate lesson. And love is a verb. And while, I highly doubt any would call my name blessed, I never want to be in the position to have people ask why I didn't speak, help or live my religion when I should have.

Oh, Orson! (my favorite brooding manly man)

2009-07-23T15:32:00.005-07:00

"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." -Mr. Rochester, Chapter 23, pg. 221

This is my favorite, favorite part of Jane Eyre. And while I attempt to read thewhole book now and again(not just this chapter), nothing brings it more to life than watching the Orson Welles verison. (sigh)

So to all who think my heart has shriveled and am forever doomed to the titles of cynic, pessimist or "bitter: party of one"... here is proof it hasn't and there is hope, though I have had moments of bleeding inwardly.

Addendum

2009-07-21T11:03:00.001-07:00

Just a little side note for laughs. After writing about waiting and waiting for the storm, it finally broke! It woke me this morning about 4 and was it amazing!!!

Watching the storm

2009-07-20T17:11:00.002-07:00

It seems with the discovery of Facebook, I have neglected my much loved blog. I will now attempt to give it some love and give you an idea of what has been going on in my head these past few days (in more than just one sentence thoughts).

I love this time of year. Yes it is hell fire hot. But we are at that time of summer where every evening the dark clouds build out east and south and we sit in anticipation, begging the clouds to break and give us a much needed respite from the heat. We know the storms at their worst can cause all kinds of damage, but there is something magical in the lightning and something so healing in the rain.

Lately, I have been feeling (and in talking to others I am not alone...) a similar yearning for a figurative storm to break. I can see dark clouds of life looming and can feel the "barometric pressure" closing in on me. I seem to drag myself: surviving the refining fire of the day, seeking but never finding a restful sleep, and waking exhausted to begin again. I think we are all yearning for the storm to break. We see the clouds of life hovering over us. How much worse will it get before we recieve the cooling drops of rain we long for?

The funny thing is: Its waiting for us. Unlike the rain that seems so fickle, so quick to disappoint, we have living water to rely on, to refresh us as the pressure builds. And it is there waiting for us to partake of it. All we gotta do is ask. So many times in my life, I have watched the storm clouds gather and waited and waited for the answers, for the healing to come. But I never thought to ask.

"....If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water." John 4:10

For all of us facing the storm, waiting for the cooling drops of rain to heal us... I think we are all aware that this is only the beginning of the long portent leading up to the return of our Savior. It will be difficult, so overwhelming. But we dont have to wait for his return to find respite and peace.... We just have to ask.

Pics from the 4th

2009-07-11T11:57:00.010-07:00

We stopped in Globe to eat on our way to Grandpa's. I had to take a pic of the sign. It was classic.

At the parade. Reed was going nuts because of all the firetrucks.

Reed with Grandma, Papa and Abram.

Little boys dream day. Firetrucks.

At the end of the Thatcher program it is tradition that the fire trucks cool everyone off. Reed loved it. I tried to stay as far back as possible and still keep an eye on Reed. I still got wet anyway. This is when Reed finally realized he was cold and wet and needed a nap.

Yes, I have the cutest kid in the world.

Road trips with Nan are the best. We were having a great time being silly...Making up new song lyrics, telling boy stories, making jokes and trying hard not to pee ourselves. Reed was not quite so entertained by our antics.

Shamless Self Promoting....

2009-07-10T08:54:00.002-07:00

After a very long hiatus....I have decided I should actually drum up some business for me so I actually get some use outta my education.... The few massages I have done lately have reminded me just why I love being a massage therapist. With that being said... I hope you excuse my shameless self promoting! (And in honor of the late Billy Mays...please read the following advertisement in you best professional yeller voice.)

Stressed? Are those tiny little muscles between your shoulder blades crying out for attention? Just need to run away from life for just a little while? A day at the spa is just not reasonable...especially in this economy. What do you do? Well....

Everyone is Family Here!

For a limited time, massage sessions are family rate for everyone! $40 a session. But wait, there's more.

As always, first time clients get 50% of their first visit.
$20 for a massage??? That's unheard of!!! But wait, there's more!

You may ask yourself, how can I "Lock in" that $20 massage rate??? Well, every time you refer a new client, you both get a half price massage!

Act now! And when you call ask about other treatment options.

acupressure
reflexology
structural/deep tissue
exfoliation scrubs ( a must for summertime)
pariffin dips
and more!

Ok so now we all know why I didn't ever follow through with that career in advertising. (I may have a talent for changing words to any song to fit any situation, but this is a totally different facet of advertising that is lost on me. And I worked for an incoming call center that took infomerical calls....) Anyway. If you want to set up an appointment, you can call and leave a voice mail @ 480-518-5067. I apologize ahead of time. I screen my phone calls, so if I dont recognize your number, I wont answer and if you dont leave a message, I wont call back.

Have a relaxing day!!!

In response to Anonymous....

2009-07-08T15:29:00.005-07:00

A few days ago I got a comment from my "purge" entry, that I thought would be worth addressing. The comment reads as such:

I dont know you, I was just looking at some blogs and someone mentioned that this blog belonged to a member of the LDS church. Life is tough for sure and ya your son deserves a mom he can look up to. I had a close friend that was a member of the church and he stressed how you guys like to be Christ-like... Not gonna life if you are purging to get revenge that sucks and maybe your son deserves better. Not to bash, I dont know you or your situation, but maybe you should adopt a journal or something, because more people are reading than you realize. Im sure you are a woman of God, this kid I know is married to one of those too. It helps to have that example from you women who enhance those Christ-like attributes in your church because you guys carry a lot of the few left out there. I dont mean to offend just something I noticed. Good luck with everything I hope God blesses you with happiness in spite of life.

Well, Im not gonna lie to you either..... while I get the jist of what you are saying, you are all over the place. So I will attempt to make sense of the comment and address some of your concerns. Please understand, I am sincere in what I say, but I do have a sense of humor and cant help being surprised and humored by some remarks.

IF I understand correctly:
1. You believe I am motivated by revenge
2. You believe I am a bad example of what an LDS woman should be.
3. You believe my son deserves better.
4. You believe there are many more reading my blog than I realize and I should chose a different venue.

1. You believe I am motivated by revenge. I often write when frustrated, but I believe there is a vast difference between the two. I know that my thoughts and feelings are very raw and unfiltered. I do not believe in sugar coating my posts. There would be no point for me or my readers. Those who know me, recognize and appreciate my candor. Im sure my sentiments at times may seem coarse and far too revealing for the general public. (But realize there is much detail not revealed.) And this is my outlet. I can tell that you are young and hold very firm to strong ideals. I can appreciate that. But just because you hold high ideals doesn't mean others will live up to them. In fact, you will spend your life miserable because NO ONE WILL be able to.... INCLUDING YOURSELF. Perfection is just not practical, nor is it (I believe) part of the plan God has for us. (At least not during our time here on earth.... I will address this more in #2) Not all things in life are pretty. I dont believe in sweeping them under the carpet. They will still be there.... If we dont recognize our struggles we do not have nearly as much appreciation for life's beauty. And make no mistake, I love life. I am happy and I dont look for happiness "in spite of life" but celebrate it in full, both good and bad, because I try to learn what I can from ALL of life's experiences. An occasional purge or vent doesn't make me vindictive. It makes me human, with all the failings that go with it.

2. You believe I am a bad example for non- LDS Christians of what a good Mormon should be. My friends span the whole spectrum of faiths. Agnostic to LDS, Non Denominational Christian to Jewish. I find it so interesting and sadly humorous that the common BIG downfall for us all (myself included) is our fingers always pointing out each others shortcomings. Since this entry was so old, I assumed you may have read farther through other posts where I often try to find a lesson in the mundane experiences in life. You see... I am FLAWED!!! I am still learning. I make mistakes all the time and I will never claim to be a "perfect example" of what a member of the LDS church should be. But my dear, none of us are. We were not meant to be. You see the great overarching tenet of my faith, the LDS faith, is that Jesus died for me so that I could come to earth to become perfected "in Him". Not on my own. He is the only reason I can ever be perfect and that is a long time from now. My life here on earth is a school, and learning is a long process, and mistakes and failings are most often the catalyst for learning. I figure, if I am doing what I can to learn from all my mess-ups and relying on the power of my Savior's miraculous Atonement to grant me forgiveness for my mistakes and flaws and then rise above them to gain perspective and wisdom, then I am on the right track and my Savior will make up the difference. As a fellow Christian (I am assuming) I know you must realize we must all rely on the grace of God. I do not excuse my flaws, I do not justify my weaknesses--but I do not pretend they dont exist either. Instead, I try to use them as tools to help me better myself. But this is a LONG PROCESS.

3. You believe my son deserves better. I could not agree with you more! I cry frequently because I am unable to provide all he deserves. My choices brought him into less than ideal circumstances. I would give him all if I could. But that is not the way for any of us. I know that all the things he doesn't have and deserves will help to shape him in his own process of becoming. And I pray that God will continually bless him in my shortfalls.

4. You believe many more are reading this blog than I realize. It is possible. But I find it highly improbable. But I would not worry if they were. I love to blogsurf. Strangers who know a friend that knows a friend....the connections are endless. But what does that matter? Are we not all going through struggles and looking for a little outlet, a little wisdom or at least a little reassurance that we are not alone. That we are not just the "unfavorite Child of God". If someone, such as yourself, does happen stumble onto my blog -- I would hope that they have the wisdom to see it for what it is. A journal of ups and downs, mourning and rejoicing, expressing wisdom through hard lessons learned and frustration with the lesson one just doesn't quite grasp yet. It is just a chronicle of a mundane life, unremarkable at first sight, but inspiring in the raw perspective as it HONESTLY relates to the struggles in life and finds beauty for ashes.

I hope with this entry you look on me a little kinder. Single parenthood was far more difficult than I ever expected it to be, and don't think I was at all disillusioned. I knew it would be amazingly hard. If I could, I would love to trade "moccasins" for a day. Cause I never have downtime. If Im not working at work, I am working at home. My day doesn't end with the timeclock and my week doesn't end with Friday. My criticisms I suppose were more a cry for help from those I know would be reading (and probably with a critical eye, much like yours.) So next time you run into a single mom in your church or even just a mom in the grocery store with a screaming child, dont ask why she does what she does, ask what you can do to help. And even if she thanks you but says no, you will have made her day and she will ask to Lord to bless you as much as you blessed her just by the gesture.

My dear stranger, my unknown friend. I hope you dont read anything critical in my response, I just want to share a perspective with you (just as I try to do with all my readers). Now, I will leave you with your same blessing (just a little tweeked of course)... Good luck with everything. I hope God blesses you with happiness in all facets of life, both in ease and struggles.

How's that thread holdin?

2009-07-05T13:10:00.008-07:00

Yesterday was a mix of many emotions, but the haunt of the previously mentioned quote about what our children will look back and say about us continued to echo. I believe I was not alone in my feelings and while muddled and all over the place, I will try to organize them into some semblance of logic.

I had the opportunity to visit my grandfather in Thatcher for July 3-4. We had a great visit though it was impossible to keep Reed outta trouble. One of the first things out of my Grandpa's mouth was, "when ya gonna run for public office?" I thought it was pretty funny, and was a little worried about all the other types of things I blog about that he had been reading.

Thatcher is one of those small towns that is a few decades behind, but that's what gives it charm. We were able to listen to their 4th of July program (which mom says hasn't changed in the last 20 years.) And while we laughed at the "parade" that included more people in it than people watching it, and tried not to fall over rolling because of the singing puppets and the "freedom band" that included a man playing the snare with a tuba on his shoulders... it was great to see that someone remembered to include sentiments reminding us of what we have and our responsiblity to maintain the freedom fought so diligently for us.

The program included the speech from Andrew Jackson's first inauguration. It brought to light just how far we have strayed from the founder's intentions:

In administering the laws of Congress I shall keep steadily in view the limitations
as well as the extent of the Executive power, trusting thereby to discharge thefunctions of my office without transcending its authority.

In such measures as I may be called on to pursue in regard to the rights of the
separate States I hope to be animated by a proper respect for those sovereign
members of our Union, taking care not to confound the powers they have
reserved to themselves with those they have granted to the Confederacy.

Oh that our current leaders followed his example.....

In addition, there were several musical numbers and here are just a few lines that struck me...

Who more than self their country loved...

Confirm thy soul in self-control, thy liberty in law.

Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!

Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just.

Land of the noble free...

Let mortal tongues awake, let all that breathe partake

Long may our land be bright with freedom's holy light. Protect us by thy might, Great God, our King!

Lately, I have had several discussions with friends, family and coworkers regarding the current status of our freedom. I have heard everything from feelings that "all is well" to "I just don't get into that stuff" to concern and to complete resignation. I agree that I have no solutions as we have let the progressive ideas infiltrate our Congress and even the position of President. I wonder that Obama could even take the oath of office without a lightning storm or roof caving in. I was sickened by his speech yesterday as he very craftily excused his and other leaders current "change" as being a part of what the founding fathers intended. And that he used our "unyielding spirit" as a call to forward HIS current agenda. I swear I screamed to the radio... "HOW DARE YOU!!!!, HOW DARE YOU!!!" Add to that our apathy has made it possible for Congress to easily secure their "job" for life.

Amanda and I drove home yesterday afternoon. We talked about Cap and Trade and Nationalized Health Coverage. We talked about the White Horse Prophecy and saving the Constitution that will hang by a thread. And unfortunately, the conclusion we came to was: "we have done this to ourselves and it will be almost impossible to undo it." I then thought about the Children of Israel in captivity. Maybe this is our wandering in the desert, maybe this is our years of captivity to once again bring a proud people back to their knees to praise our God whom so many have forgotten. This gave me hope.

So after all the books I have read, all the calls to action I have heard and all the time spent not really knowing what it is I could do, I realized what my part is. And yours for that matter. I realized, it is time to get down on my knees and sing praise to "our Father's God", "author of liberty." I believe as we recognize His role in our liberty, as we humble ourselves and return to the values of our fore-fathers, we will loose the chains of captivity that we are only beginning to feel bind us. Along with this prayer, another needs to be said for the inspiration of what we need to be actively doing on an individual level to help forward the cause of restoring our freedom and our country to the beautiful light on a hill that it once was. Another, to help soften the hearts of all Christian's to be willing to work together, no matter the sect, to be willing and able to unite in the cause. I believe we are our own worst enemies because of our "differences." We have much more in common than in differences....

Is it too simple? It seems so. But my faith tells me, that He is the only way. He is the only One that can provide us with the answers of How. He is the only One that can save us as he was the Author of Liberty. This is a promised land. And we have not been good stewards and we will continue to become more and more bound by the consequenses of our own indifference, our own dishonesty, our own choices. I believe that if we can all come together in sincere supplication for guidance out of our stuggles we will find answers and we will be safe. As we do all we can, we will be sheltered from the storm ahead. Will we be successful in restoring the what truly made America glorious? I do not know. Is this just one of the many tragic preludes to the second coming of our Savior? Probably.... But I can no longer sit idly by hoping that someone else finds a solution.....

Today.....

2009-07-02T13:37:00.006-07:00

"Perhaps when Diana and I are old and gray we shall be able to laugh over them. But I feel that I can't expect to do it before then, for it has truly been a bitter disappointment."

"You'll probably have a good many more and worse disappointments than that before you get through life," said Marilla, who honestly thought she was making a comforting speech. "It seems to me, Anne, that you are never going to outgrow your fashion of setting your heart so on things and then crashing down into dispair because you don't get them."

"I know I'm too much inclined that way," agreed Anne ruefully. "When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts...it's like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud."

"Well, maybe it does," admitted Marilla. "I'd rather walk calmly along and do without both flying and thud. But everybody has her own way of living...I used to think there was only one right way...but since I've had you and the twins to bring up I don't feel so sure of it."

---Anne of Green Gables

Oh, that I had the wisdom of Marilla.....

Common Sense

2009-06-30T17:43:00.008-07:00

I just finished Glenn Beck's Common Sense. I love, love, love Glenn. (We are on a first name basis.) I know many of you tire of my rambling on and on about politics and government, but HELLO GUYS!!! WE ARE LOOSING OUR COUNTRY!!! WE ARE LETTING PEOPLE TAKE AWAY OUR GOD GIVEN FREEDOMS because we are too busy, or we dont know where to start, or we dont like the dirtiness of politics. At this day and age, political discussion should not be considered taboo or coarse. We need to be speaking up and LOUDLY!!! We need to be teaching each other and our kids WHY this is so important. WHY they should work hard. WHY they are not ENTITLED. WHY a government with the power to give you all you want has the power to take everything from you.....

Go get yourself a copy, or if you dont want to buy it, Ill lend you mine, or buy you one. (The same offer still applies to the 5000 year leap.) Cause HELLO...

"One day we will face our children and grandchildren as they ask us what we found more important and valuable than freedom. They will ask if our big, unaffordable homes, "free" universal health care, and "buy it now" lifestyle were worth enslaving them for.

HOW WILL YOU ANSWER?

Just as we look back with pride and awe at what the generations before us did to preserve the cause of freedom, our children and grandchildren will look back at us. But should we now fail, it won't be with pride or awe, it will be with disgust. As they toil under oppressive taxes and tyrannical rule, they will continually question what we were so busy doing that we did not notice the stripping away of our freedoms and liberties. As they are forced to carry the yoke of servitude imposed by their domestic and foreign masters they will question why we did nothing. Did you not see it coming? They will wonder."

---Glenn Beck

Obama Bumpers

2009-06-24T11:06:00.010-07:00

Tom posted one of these yesterday and I thought it was great. He sent me the link to where I could order it. When I went looking for it, I found a plethora of others that were just as wonderful. I thought I would share. And not to turn this into a commercial, but these are all available on http://www.zazzle.com/. ENJOY

PURGE!!!

2009-06-23T22:18:00.004-07:00

Be forewarned that not everyone wants to read this entry. Im sure by now you know who you are. And while I was going to wait to write this til I was officially private. Im festering and seething right now. And I will not sleep if I dont purge myself from this.

That being said, the father will be mentioned and those who dont want to read this, will say I am being unfair, bitchy, or some other similar sentiment. Get over it! Ya wanna make him the victim, go ahead. I am done trying to be all nice and sweet without any kind of support or help from the donor or his family.

I read a lovely blog post today, regarding Reed's grandfather, who I happen to think very highly of. In response to this post, I made a comment. I dont have the exact message, but the basically it said, "That was so sweet, I too am very thankful for your dad, as he is a perfect example for Reed of what a good man should be." Unbeknownst to me, this spread like wildfire and I became a poriah because they all thought I was making commentary on Reed's father's parenting skills. Funny, the only way one would jump to that conclusion is if you knew his parenting skills were lacking and in some cases down right unacceptable. BUT-- I never mentioned the father, he never came to mind, I was just expressing my thanks to Reed's grandfather. Well, needless to say, I became quite the talk and received several less than happy messages from those who read my comment. I tried to explain, that I was not making commentary on the father. Just expressing gratitude. This explanation went unnoticed by most. So, since I am considered the villian. I figured I might as well play the part. That way, all those victims of my cruel comment can truely be the victims they want to be so badly.

--- I am the villian because I wouldn't interrupt my father's day plans to drive Reed over to see his dad. I ask, where is your father? Can he not bring you? What about the bus? After much running around trying to make sure that the father had his parenting time, I decided that it was not my responsibility. As clearly stated in the parenting plan, each parent will pick up the child when their parenting time starts. This was clearly explained long before father's day. Logical sure. I thought so.

--- I am the villian because I didn't wish the father a happy birthday. As we are no longer in a relationship, it slipped my mind. This was a much bigger deal than the times my birthday was forgotten when we were in a relationship.

--- I am a villian because for once in my life I am learning to stand up for myself. I decided I only needed to talk to the father when it pertained to Reed and visitation.

--- I am a villian because I get child support and now the father has to have a second job. Nevermind that I dont get his half of the day care or his half of the medical copays and deductables. I dont get money for the babysitters that I have to hire when he frequently chooses not to show up for his parenting time, and I need to get stuff done.

--- I am a villian because the grandma who lives far away doesn't ever get to see her grandchild. Im sorry, after paying for the day care and medical expenses that are you sons responsibility, I just dont have extra money for plane tickets....

Ya know, the list could go on and on. But somehow, I have just come to the conclusion, that I will always be the villian. Nevermind all the past crap, nevermind all the current crap. Im the villian.... And I suppose, if I must be, I better just learn to live it up.

Going private...

2009-06-23T20:34:00.003-07:00

As much as I dont want to do this, its time. Going private is, I think, a pain in the butt for everyone. But in my high drama world, it was inevitable. Email me if you want to continue to follow. Or if I have your email, I will be sending out invitations...or whatever they are called.

Until then, peace out.

Dads lessons within the lesson

2009-06-22T10:18:00.003-07:00

I didnt get a chance to write this blog earlier. But its only been a day so I dont feel too bad. I figured I would take a chance to give mad props to and to laugh a bit at my dad. So in a sorry attempt to celebrate what makes my dad, my dad, I will share with you just a few of the lessons I have learned from my dad... for some reason they were all outdoors!

1. The $5 lawn: Dad never let us being girls get in the way of us doing our part in the work outside. I cant count the number of times that he told us the story of a $5 lawn job. I guess back in the day, that meant you went above and beyond the basic mow. $5 isn't much these days, but in all the time spent mowing lawn, I dont think I have ever come close to achieving a $5 lawn. But the lesson was taught.... Take pride in your work. Work hard so that when you are finished you can stand back and be proud of the job you did. Do you work with the goal to achieve a $5 lawn.

2. Another 2 hours?: Growing up, we hated Saturday. Most kids loved Saturday, but not us. Saturday meant WEEDS. We hated that we had to spend most every Saturday morning pulling weeds and made sure he knew how much we hated it. His response? Another 2 hours... Our hours piled up so much faster than the weeds. And we complained all the more. We were slow to learn that it was much easier to just get the 2 hours done without complaining. But eventually, we got it. So now when faced with a job I really dont want to get done, whether at work or at home, I realize its just easier to get the job done and not spend so much time dreading it.

3. Wake up call: Being silly little girls, and having a night owl mother, we loved staying up late with mom during the summer. Poor dad hated this. He sometimes started work as early as 3 in the morning. The worst was when he happened to find us still awake when he getting up to go to work. When we were especially silly and loud, he would come in the the living room and growl at us. When this didn't work, we were taken outside. This was most effective in the winter (think Christmas vacation) He would let us know that if we couldn't be respectful of the one who worked to provide the roof over our head, we would temporarily lose it (the roof) until we understood and learned to shut up. I remember standing outside with Margie, shaking, barefoot while he explained why we needed to be quiet. We can laugh about this now.

4. Black River Tutorials: I alway love going to Black River with dad. It was one of the few times dad was super extravagant. Eating out on the way there and back. Treats when we stopped to get our fishing licenses. One on one time. Its funny how all those fishing trips were more than just fishing. Every story told (many times over), every encounter with nature, every meal prepared was a lesson. How to "set the hook", how to tie a certain knot, what to do when you come across a skunk, snake or even a bear or bear cub. I can even light a fire in pouring rain and keep it going. I can gut and fillet a fish (if I must) and I can cook it on my fire. More than that, the lessons became an overarching lesson of being self sufficient and being able to survive extreme conditions.

5. Plant a Garden: Dad always has a garden going. He always made us a part of the word somehow. Whether we helped plant or water or harvest, we were able to participate. Gardening was one of his big multi-lesson lessons. We learned to work, we got to see the rewards of hard work, we saw dad's example for following the words of the prophet, we grew up with a love for vegetables... most kids cant say they love turnips, spinach, tomatoes, broccoli.... neither can most adults.

Quote for the day

2009-06-18T13:39:00.002-07:00

"The health of a nation is inversely proportionate to the number of laws needed to govern it."
-- Thomas Frey

Umm, if thats the case, I think we are in deep shit.

Arizona Activist!!

2009-06-17T14:35:00.004-07:00

So yesterday Glenn Beck read a letter on his show from a woman in Arizona. It was directed to all of our nations leaders. I thought it was fabulous and worth a reprint. Please take the time to read this.

I'm a home grown American citizen, 53, registered Democrat all my life. Before the last presidential election I registered as a Republican because I no longer felt the Democratic party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. Now I no longer feel the Republican Party represents my views or works to purse issues important to me. The fact is I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. There must be someone. Please stand up and tell me that you are there and that you're willing to fight for our Constitution is it was written. Please stand up now. You might ask yourself what my views and issues are that I would horribly feel so disenfranchised by both major political parties. What kind of nut job am I? Will you please tell me?

Well, these are briefly my views and issues for which I seek representation:

One: Illegal Immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking of drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. PS, Im not a racist. This isn't to be confused with legal immigration.

Two: The Tarp Bill. I want it repealed and I want no futher funding supplied to it. We told you no, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.

Three: Czars. I want the cirumvention of our checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, no to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution and honor it.

Four: Cap and Trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There is more to say.

Five: Universal Healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night and then go on break. Slow down!

Six: Growing Government control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real obligations. Why don't you start there.

Seven: ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 Census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes. Stop funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do no trust them with taking the census over. I do not trust them with our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.

Eight: Redistribution of Wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs. That is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person. Why do you want me to hate my employers? Why -- what do you have against shareholders making a profit?

Nine: Charitable Contributions Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.

Ten: Corporate Bailouts Knock it off. Sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. Have you ever ripped off a Band-Aid? We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us a chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.

Eleven: Transparency and Accountability How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please try -- please stop manipulating and trying to appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from me.

Twelve: Unprecedented, quick spending STOP IT NOW!

Take a breath. Listen to the people. Let's just slow down and get some input from some nonpoliticians on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed reading our bills into law. I am not an activist. I am not a community organizer. Nor am I a terrorist, a militant or a violent person. I am a parent and a grandparent. I work. I'm busy. I'm busy. I am busy, and I am tired. I thought we elected competent people to take care of the business of government so that we could work, raise our families, pay our bills, have a little recreation, complain about taxes, endure our hardships, pursue our personal goals, cut our lawn, wash our cars on the weekends and be responsible contributing members of society and teach our children to be the same all while living in the home of the free and the land of the brave.

I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep you from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the debt that you have laid on all of us and our children. We did not want the TARP bill. We said NO. We would repeal it if we could. I am sure that we still cannot. There is such an urgency and recklessness in all of the recent spending.

From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our vacations, our time spent with our children, any relaxation time we may have had and money we cannot afford to spend on you to bring our concerns to Washington. Our president often knows all the right buzzword is unsustainable. Well, no kidding. How many tens of thousands of dollards did the focus group cost to come up with that word? We don't want your overpriced words. Stop treating us like we're morons.

We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we're so busy with our lives athat we will never come for you? We are the fomerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work, pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone and we are now looking up at you. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. That may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office. W have cancelled our vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn't ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced by someone who will. There are candidates among us and they will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution.

Democrat, Republican, independent, libertarian. Understand this. We don't care. Political parties are meaningless to us. Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution and that is all that matter to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you. If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be, one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for your? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. We the people are coming.

If you finished reading this through, I hope you got chills like I did. The author, Janet Contreras, of Arizona, said everything that I and many others have been feeling for a long time. I loved that she reminded all of us... with our busy lives that our time is worth giving to this cause of cleaning house. I hope this letter helped someone else feel the need to get involved. I know it did for me.

PS I apologize for any type-os. Im tired and instead of cutting and pasting like any sane person would, I instead typed it out....

Writers block

2009-06-16T14:25:00.003-07:00

Postings are a bit sparce this month. Im experiencing writers block or something. No big ah-ha moments, no big laughs to relate. I cant even come up with any witty one liners for facebook. I was gonna post some cutie pics of Reed. But I cant even get that to work for me right now.

Ive been working on Reed's and my 72 hour kits and was going to give a rundown of putting it together... but its a bit of a work in progress and so the post will have to wait.

I had some other great ideas for posts... but have since forgot them. The ideas usually come late at night so I dont do anything about em. Maybe I wasn't really having great ideas, maybe I was just dreaming about having great ideas.... I have had vivid dreams lately.

Oh well, Im hoping it is just a phase.

Music Appreciation Day

2009-06-11T16:27:00.008-07:00

Im a Parrothead. Granted, Jimmy entered my life as I began my descent into the fog. And unfortunately there are some not so proud moments that he provided the sountrack for. But Jimmy still holds a sweet place in my heart. Maybe cause he was singing about what I was so desperately looking for. Calm. Peace. Silly diversions. An escape from the real world. I think thats why there are so many die hard Parrotheads. Jimmy provides a mini vaca, a beach in your brain(without crowds or Cali smog)....a deep breath and perspective.

Since it is my Friday, I am feeling a big pull to shake of the remains of the work week and find this feeling. (Ive been searching all week....and failing miserably.) And while this sensation may be found much quicker with one of the margarita's made famous by another Jimmy song..... This will be sufficient. If you turn up the volume on your computer you will find my playlist. Topping the chart (as soon as I get home today, since I cant get on that website at work) is my favorite Jimmy Buffett song, ever. And that's saying something... cause Jimmy's Asshole Song, is killer funny.

All I gotta do is turn this song on and it transports me to another world. Overall its playful and upbeat, but the chorus brings you to a dreamy almost reminiscence of that One Particular Harbor -- though you have never been there...you have.

But there's one particular harbor
Sheltered from the wind
Where the children play on the shore each day
And all are safe within.

Most mysterious calling harbor
Sor far yet so near
I can see the day when my hair's full gray
And I finally disappear.

This is probably the most vivid of daydreams for me. Everytime I hear this song, I am instantly there. I swear my blood pressure drops, my neck and back muscles start to release their deathgrip flexion, and my breathing slows and deepens. So when things get crazy, come join me in my One Particular Harbor. AND ENJOY!

Stuck

2009-06-07T13:10:00.006-07:00

Im having one of those "stuck" times. You know, those moments where you dont feel like you are active in your own life. You just float through the routine cause its easier than fixing stuff. I suppose thats not totally true. I had some major breakthrough moments these past few weeks and so I am here looking at the weight of what it all means and wondering, "What comes next?" I suppose you could say some long straggling loose ends were tied up...stuff that's been keeping me in the "stuck" times and now I dont quite know what to do with myself.

The other day I was talking with an old friend who has been through a lot since we were stupid kids in high school. (The most of it coming at her in the last couple years. ) And her reaction was, "I dont even know who I am anymore." She had lost a routine, a loved one and a way of life recently and replaced it all with new and different. At first, I thought it was strange. My reaction was to tell her not to try to put a label on stuff and realize we are all a work in progress, continually evolving. Funny how not 2 weeks later, I feel the same way. Not in a Who am I, where did I come from, where am I going sense. But in a "Who am I? Without all the labels and the daily activities that keep us so busy.... that don't really define who we are, even though we try to use them to describe us."

I dunno the more I think about it, the more I realize its kind of a stupid question to ask in the first place.... Too abstract to truly answer and too many variables to consider that effect the answer. Now my head hurts.

Wonder Woman!!

2009-06-04T13:21:00.005-07:00

I am having a wonder woman kind of day. Maybe even last couple days...

--I think I am getting a cold, my voice is froggy, Im stuffy and I kinda have a headache.
--Work is slow and so the day is dragging...again.
--I got a big o mess of an apartment and laundry that needs attention.
--The father of Reed, who wishes to be nameless now, has pushed me to the point of pure rage. (He will now be known as Him who we do not speak of... or the donor...or I dunno any other suggestions?)
--I am lonely and need a date, just a reaffirmation that Im not a complete social retard.
--I am having a bad hair day, which is difficult as it is super short and I wear it messy and spikey on purpose. But the left side of my hair grows faster than the right and it makes me nutty nuts.
--The button on my pants fell off so I have been using a safety pin to keep it fastened, but because there is no button, the zipper wants to unzip... and if I bend down the safety pin pops open, becoming unsafe, and poking my belly.

But with all that crap, worries and responsibilities that swirl around like a whirlpool ready to pull me under.... Im feeling DAMN powerful today.

I put on a new shirt and noticed that while the cut tends to make it look like a maternity shirt, it does accentuate the not as fat as everywhere else part of my body that I rely on. It is the first time in a very long time I have not been crazy self conscious about the way I look. Add to that my pants feel big. And I start to wonder, Is it possible? Could I be shedding some of this weight?

I haven't been good about what I am eating, I haven't been taking my meds like I should, I pooped out of my exercising every day goal after about a week. But this little glimmer makes me wonder what could happen if I actually tried. YEAH!!!

Lovin the little things

2009-06-03T12:34:00.005-07:00

Reed was especially cute this morning. I usually leave him sleeping in the morning while I get ready for work. When I walked into the room to wake him up, he was already awake, staring off into space. When he saw me he smiled. I started singing to him, as I usually do and he laughed. And laughed. It made my day.

Work today has been ordinary. While Im happy for no big crisis, it makes the day drag. I was happy for my lunch break. I had to stop at the store to return some t-shirts that were too BIG. YEAH. There is hope!!!

I went to El Pollo Loco for lunch and got me a BRC. I used to get these all the time when I worked in Tempe. In Tempe, a BRC stands for Beans, Rice and Cheese. This is what I was expecting. (Its on their dollar menu. Its cheap and good. Cant beat that) Apparently at the Pollo Loco on Power and the freeway today, BRC stands for Beans, Rice and Chicken. Jackpot!!! So I got a burro with yummy chicken in it, that would have cost me a few dollars in Tempe, for just 1.29.

Yes... It is the little things in life that help us dance on through the crap.

Domestic Goddess

2009-06-01T16:01:00.003-07:00

My mom has been out of town playing with her bestest friend since forever and so I have been playing mommy to the fam. I have loved pretending to be a domestic goddess, trying out new recipes and cooking more than I have in I dont know how long. My favorite website is Recipezaar.com cause you type in ingredients and it will pull up recipes. So I have been able to use freezer stuff and pantry stuff to make all kinds of fun things.

It sucked to come back to work today. I could have stayed home and continued "playing" forever. Once again, I am faced with the reality that I was born in the wrong era. Damn all you women's libbers that made it almost impossible to be a stay at home mom. (Nevermind that my own choices didn't help my chances for that anyway...) Cause I like cooking and keeping house (even if Reed makes keeping it clean almost impossible.) I like baking cookies and perfecting my less than perfect culinary skills. I like my bra.... or at least what it does for me. Damn women's libbers.... Although I do appreciate some of what they accomplished, a lot of it did nothing for us and its sad to see their work go down the tubes as girls have cycled back to only being valued for their waif-like, unfeminine bodies and silicone breasts. But thats another blog for another day.

OH TO BE A HOUSEWIFE....

MoleAsses Cookie Recipe

2009-05-30T15:37:00.006-07:00

Ok... So anytime my mom cooked with molasses, she would have to tell us some stupid joke about a family of moles. I really dont remember the story. Maybe they went out for a while, leaving dinner or cookies or something. So when they came back and walked into their hole, one of the family members said, MMM smells good. And the reply was.... "Well it smells like a bunch of MoleAsses to me." Anyway, writing up this recipe made me think of it. Ill have to ask my mom the real version of the story when she gets back into town.

MoleAsses Cookie Recipe (Soft and Reduced Fat Version)

3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 C molasses
1/2 C low-fat buttermilk (Isn't that an oxymoron?)
1/4 C vegetable oil
2 C flour
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 C sugar (I added this in cause I didnt want the cookies to be too bitter, but I dont think it really needed it.)

1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Dissolve baking soda in molasses in a large bowl.
3. Combine buttermilk with oil; stir into molasses mixture.
4. Combine flour, ginger, sugar and salt.
5. Add flour mixture into the molasses mixture.
6. Coat hand with cooking spray. (I just used water)
7. Shape dough into little balls and place 2 in apart. (FYI: The "dough" has a consistancy closer to cake batter. So don't be surprised if its sticky. Thus the cooking spray.)
8. Bake @ 375 for 10 min.

Glaze:
Combine in a zip-loc baggie:
1 C powdered sugar
1 T water
1/2 tsp vanilla
I noticed that the glaze was super thick and I didn't like it. I added 2 T water the second time and it was too watery. So I think its just a play it by ear thing on the water depending on how thick or thin you want your glaze to be.

Cut the corner of your zip-loc baggie and squirt glaze over top of cookies.
MMMM. ENJOY.

I suggest making these while watching Lonesome Dove or Open Range. That way you almost feel like you were a part of all the fun back then.

FYI

2009-05-30T10:29:00.003-07:00

For anyone that saw James' temper tantrum on Facebook before I was able to remove it, Im sorry. I realize now its probably not a good idea for him to have access as a friend. It has been corrected.

Reeds morning

2009-05-30T10:20:00.003-07:00

I cant wait til nap time. Reed has been especially fun this morning. He squirted his juicebox all over my bed. I usually limit his juicebox time by drinking half of it before I give it to him, but I was in a hurry to get in the shower so I just put the straw in and handed it to him. He LOVES juiceboxes because the become Old Faithful with just a squeeze. (And Old Faithful is right, cause without fail, if Im not watching him, he squirts it everywhere.)

The other big Reed fun this morning was that he discovered eggs. He gets into the fridge all the time, but this was the first time he actually took out the eggs, opened them up and decided that they looked like balls. AND THREW THEM. When I walked out of the bathroom from doing my hair...which takes about 10 min, he launched one right at me. I walked forward to the open fridge door and found half a dozen more broken on the ground. He had a big smile on his face and started playing in the yolk of one. I was supposed to be proud I guess.

I should have taken pics, I guess. Except I wasn't especially proud of the dirty floor underneath that would have been captured.

So for now I count down til nap time and then I can actually start my cleaning day without new messes to clean up.

Adenoid land

2009-05-28T14:25:00.004-07:00

For Katie: Everyone give Katie and Derek (Marley) congrats on the arrival of baby boy #2, Weston.

I told Katie that I would give her a little more detail about Reed's surgery so it wont hurt my feelings if you just ignore this post from here on.

I listened to Reed snore from the time he was like a month old. It got progressively worse and was especially horrible if he had a cold. He would get mid-snore and then either stop breathing or make this horrible "water draining from the tub" sound. It was almost like the snore got stuck and he was trying to force it through. Eventually, he would gasp and kinda wake up. It freaked me out. The pediatrician gave us a prescription for Flonaise and I was supposed to squirt it up his nose at night. It was supposed to help shrink the size of his adenoids I guess. Well, that was a HUGE joke because IF I was lucky enough get it squirted up his nose, he went ballistic. All the crying just made him even stuffier and defeated the purpose of the Flonaise in the first place.

I relayed this to the Dr, who sent us to a pediatric ENT. He was fantastic (Too bad you aren't here in AZ, Id tell you to go to him). They took X-rays and verified that Yes, his adenoids were bigger than usual. Thus the surgery.

The first couple hours after the surgery were tough. He fussed and was pretty pissed coming out of the anesthesia. (Which the Dr said was normal for kids) Pretty quick though he started to get back to his old self. He hated the IV and kept trying to pull it out. But he ate better than he ever has for me at home. Originally, we were told he was so young we would have to stay in the hospital overnight, but at 6pm he was doing so well, the Dr let us go. Thank heavens.
He was prescribed antibiotics and pain killer. Which was difficult cause I had to try to find a way to hide it in his food or juice. (He wont take it alone)

About 2 days after the surgery the poor kid had meat breath. It was horrible. Most the time I was checking his diaper cause I thought he was pooey. No, it was his breath. It kinda had the smell of raw chicken that has been outside in the trashcan too long. YUCK. For a while, I had to turn away so he wasn't breathing directly at me. That lasted about 2 weeks.

There weren't any complications, it was a quick surgery, and there aren't any sutures or anything. And it seems to be very successful.

Every once in a while I hear him buzzing lightly, but any snoring (more of a hum really) is a full breath in and out. It doesn't get "stuck". I dont worry about him not being able to breathe at night. I dont stay up at night listening to him thinking, "I have to stay awake and listen or he will die in his sleep." Also, he doesn't breathe out of his mouth as much. So he looks a little less cromagnon than he did before. I think it is definately worth talking to the pediatrician about. If you have any more questions, let me know or even better email them to me so you dont have to go through the blog. blueyedmle@msn.com

Lion King

2009-05-27T16:31:00.003-07:00

Lion King is playing in our waiting room today. As Scar was singing his little "be prepared" song, all I could think of was Obama.

Caution: Graphic images.

2009-05-27T16:00:00.007-07:00

I needed a good different sweet snack today, so I bought Cinnamon Bears at Sprouts. MMMM. These Cinnamon Bears look exactly like the kind Gracie and I used to get in the waiting area at the hospital in Billings. We used to have play bear conversations and I remember some bears kissing at one point. We may have not liked each other much, but we did have fun at times. Memories.... Anyway, in scooping them out I accidentally semi-decapitated one of the poor little bears.

Another lesson from the fire-- Perspective

2009-05-25T18:14:00.005-07:00

I realize the original thought that inspired the last blog entry was completely forgotten when I sat down to write the other day. So I will add it now.

As a was cleaning the soot off the wall, I looked up and noticed a huge spider web up in the corner. It was blackened like everything else. I looked around and found two other webs throughout the room, also dark with soot.

I always thought I was pretty good about cleaning up the corners of cobwebs, but the smoke from the fire had a way of really bringing to light some of the cobwebs that had been missed.

Hard times in life, like the fire, have a way of bringing out some of the little things that need attention. The little parts of our life like our character flaws or little bad habits, little idiosyncracies if youwill, that need cleaning or fine tuning can be magnified or highlighted during these times. And usually we do a couple of different things: We can either get discouraged and beat ourselves up for it, we can ignore that they were ever brought to our attention, or we can turn the trial into a learning experience and take the opportunity to correct our flaws.

With just a little effort, my sooty cobowebs were cleared away. Unfortunately, many of the metaphorical cobwebs require a little more time. But Im grateful for the subtle, kind reminder that there is still work to be done.

What we gained in the fire.

2009-05-24T14:27:00.005-07:00

So I never saw that movie: What we lost in the fire. But I will put a spin on it.
What I gained in the fire:

1. Angels surround us. This could have been huge. I wasn't in my apartment. This could have easily been the whole house. I kinda freak out if I think about it much. 25 years gone in an instant. We are watched over.

2. The Lord's promptings are exactly what they need to be, not what we think they should be. You would think I would have heard a prompting like, "somethings wrong, go out to the apartment." Instead, the thought was, "Send Millie out to get the leftovers from last night." Not conventional, but it got the job done. ** Notice mine was about FOOD.**

3. Be prepared. I need to put new batteries in the smoke alarm. I never paid attention to it, til it didn't work when I needed it to... NOT GOOD. (Ironic considering I organize the fire inspection and drill info for all of our PT centers at work...) But how many things in life do we NOT think of til we really need it? Prayer? Food Storage? A full gas tank? For a long time, the idea of a 72 hr kit has been nagging at me, I putter around with it now and then, but I think its time to really get it together.

4. Nothing in coincidental. Last year, while working at our Tempe office, the Rural Metro guy came to inspect the fire extinguishers. One was not up to code for a commercial area so he replaced it with a new one and told me I could have the old one. Not thinking much of it, I said, Ok, I guess... A few months back when straightening up, I got frustrated that the stupid thing was taking up space (as it is so limited in my apartment) I almost got rid of it, but I figured Id just keep it out by my washer/dryer instead of in the apartment. Just in case. This was a lifesaver. Thank you Rural Metro.

5. If you are prepared you wont be afraid. When I rushed out to the apartment, I knew exactly where I had my fire extinguisher. I looked into the smoke filled kitchen, saw it was the range, quickly turned off the burner and went outside to grab my fire extinguisher. Now, I had never used one, it was a bit intimidating, but because of fire drills at work, I had a basic understanding. My heart was pounding, but I wasn't afraid.

After my firefighter experience was over, I came back in to the house to let Millie know everything was ok. Her train of thought was the same as mine. It could have been so much worse. It hit home when she realized that her room backs up to my kitchen. My response was, "We were so lucky." She, being much wiser (even if she is 15 years younger) said, "No Emily, We are blessed." Yup. Humbled by my bratty teenager sister. OUCH. And of course she was right.

Hells Kitchen

2009-05-24T00:21:00.004-07:00

I set my kitchen on fire. OOPS. So this one's for you Jeanne. I was just getting back from the grocery store. Had a handful of groceries and a grouchy kid. Sent my sister w/said grouchy kid into my parents house. I went the the apartment w/groceries. I dropped purse and groceries that didn't need to be refrigerated onto floor next to my oven, put the eggs, milk and cheese into the fridge. Walked outside and into parents house. Said to my little sis, hey go get the leftovers from last night out of my apartment. I start a bath for Reed. She did, next thing I know, she comes running into the house to tell me my kitchen is on fire. I tell her to stay with Reed, run to the apartment find my range on fire, lots of black smoke, smell of burning plastic as I was draining clean sippy cups in my dish rack on top of said range.

Turns out, when dopping groceries and purse next to stove, my purse strap got caught on the back burner knob of my range. It turned on. I was in and then out so didn't notice anything. Because Millie went right out to get dinner from my room, she was able to catch it in time. She didn't know what to do, so she came and got me who just happened to have a fire extinguisher that was given to me by the Rural Metro Fire guy that inspects our fire extinguishers at work. Coincidental... I think not. Millie going out to my apartment to get me something, just after I came in? Happenstance?... nope. (Although, I end up making the girls do this all the time the poor things.) Me being calm enough to actually figure out how to make the fire extinguisher work... MIRACLE.

So the only damage consists of:

1. My back burner needs to be replaced as it is now covered in melted sippy cups.
2. The brand new sippy cups I just bought are melted to above mentioned burner.
3. A flame kissed pine shelf above the range. (I think it adds personality actually)
4. A wall that after being washed down, still has black residue in corners.

Tomorrow....Ill explain:

What was "gained" in the fire.....

Sweet Ride

2009-05-23T12:19:00.003-07:00

I want a mustang, Shelby preferrably, and I want the license plate to read: DRTYPNY

I also want a Honda Element 0r one of the original Scions, I want to paint it bright yellow and I want the license plate to read: SHRTBUS.

Name that movie part 2

2009-05-22T12:56:00.005-07:00

So the movie lines were such fun I think I may have to do it again. I thought So I Married An Axe Murderer would be difficult, but obviously you guys have no life and watch too many movies just like me. I think there will be no more hints. So with that said: My favorite movie of all times.

"Dinosaur world is the only place a boy like me can be truely happy!"

"Haaaaaaaa. A hankering for CHOCOLATE. I need it badly."

'They told me about things they did on their motorcycles, some of them were fun, but some of them were scary!"

"They tried to touch me in my no-no special place."

Name that movie

2009-05-21T09:03:00.004-07:00

Quote #1:
...Because he puts a highly addictive chemical in it that makes you crave it nightly, smart ass....

Hint: Say it with a Scottish accent.

Still need help?

Quote #2:
She smelled like Beef Vegetable Soup.

Hint: No accent for this one.

Quote #3:
He'll be crying himself to sleep on his HUGE pilla...

Hint: This one has the Scottish accent.

Facebook Fixation

2009-05-21T08:46:00.003-07:00

Umm. So after recieving a few invites to join facebook, I finally did. I know, I know, Im so behind in the times. In a matter of about 5 minutes I was reintroduced to people I haven't seen since high school. It was crazy. It was way more user friendly than MySpace and super crazy how it interconnects you with others and I was just scratching the surface. I haven't even gotten started on special interst groups. Add to that the comments that come piling in, its like blogspot on crack. And one just cant help but keep checking to see what is happening next.
And while I am completely fascinated by how many people have already added me as a friend or requested being my friend because I was added to someone else, or written on my wall... (I believe that is illegal in some states...) I cant help being a little frightened of it. BIG BROTHER and all. Especially lately. So the jury is out. The big downer of being on Facebook is I have limited time I can be on Facebook. I get all these request and cant do anything about it at work. And the draw to "put my two cents in" as I get emails about whats going on is intense. So I guess we will see...

Desperado

2009-05-20T12:57:00.005-07:00

HAHA I wrote the other entry too soon. My musical day has come full circle. I will have to stop listening now cause Desperado, (The Clint Black version) came on. ENOUGH already. No more of those memories.
So I will just pretend it was the Don Henley version as it has much happier memories connected to it. A few years back, Margie and I just happened to be on the recieving end of some Eagles tickets. It was fabulous! And of course they saved Desperado for the very last song of the concert about 10 encores into it. The funny part was, from the first encore, this stupid kid kept yelling, 'Play Desperado' over and over again, like they could hear him and like they were going to NOT play it and like they didn't have a play list, even for the encores. Needless to say, we laugh frequently when one randomly yells out "play Desperado!"

Gone Country

2009-05-20T09:38:00.005-07:00

So I have been at work exactly one hour and 40 minutes. Today, Justin the PT here in Gilbert, decided it was country day. I haven't listened to country in years. For a very good reason. Country was the soundtrack for my life just after my mission. A wonderful, carefree, all the world is beautiful time in my life. I was in LOVE. I know, I know, all this unfiltered bliss? No sarcasm, no cynicism, no complaints? Thats not the Emily we know!!! Well it didn't last and I turned the station after it all disappeared. And hadn't listened since. Til today. I kid you not, every song that could drudge up my memories of that time in my life has played. In the last one hour and now 45 minutes. Of course, there is no escaping Tim McGraw when listening to country, Im not dilusional. But come on.... Nitty Gritty Dirt Band??? Fishing in the dark? Darrell Worley...I miss my friend. DAMMIT. Pray I survive today without falling over crying or doing something really stalkerishly stupid.

And just for the record, Im not a cynic. Im a Disappointed Idealist. There is a huge-o difference.

Going gun shopping

2009-05-19T16:29:00.006-07:00

So a few days back, My Montana passed a law that if they wanted to manufacture guns in Montana and sell them in Montana to people that would reside in Montana, then they did not need to use the National system for registering said guns. A big shout out to My Montanan's out there for telling the feds where they can shove it and reaffirming their sovergnty.

So this is where things get grey. I dont live in Montana. I wish I did... is that close enough? Cause... I want one of those non registered guns. Just to say I have one. I want it to have printed across it (as required by Montana's new law) Made in Montana. I want one just to say, "F U Obama", more than for any practical reasons. Truth is, Montana's major gun manufacturers pretty much only produce .22's, high end specialty guns and historical reproductions. Not much of a big draw for all those crooks that want to get past the feds background checks. But this is fixing up to be quite the brawl in the courts.

In the mean time, I want in on it. So I fight back and forth with myself about contacting some old friends in Montana to see just how easy it would be to get my hands on my Made in Montana gun. (Most likely a .22) Would that make me a weapons smuggler? Or would I have to use this as an excuse to return to My Montana for good?

Dinnertime donts

2009-05-14T10:07:00.004-07:00

So I was just reading my cousins blog and she mentioned that if you want good chinese you need to go visit Yum Yum Chinese (or something like that) at the Tempe Marketplace. She said it was better than my usual choice of Panda Express. Funny how yesterday, while speaking to a coworker, I was told NOT to eat at Panda, as his wife went to school with someone that worked there and advised against it. Bad news is I didn't get a reason why. But this is not the first time I have heard this.

I figured this would be a fun blog to open up to comments or to use as a tag, where you dont eat and why....

For Example: I do not eat at Waldo's BBQ anymore. A few years back I got a mixed dinner that included ribs. Yummy right? Yeah, yummy until I saw that attached to one of the ribs was the little piggy esophagus, GAG! I have never been back.

Example Number 2: Back in the foggy days, James' roommate was a prep cook at Pei Wei. Now most people think Pei Wei is a little higher end than your typical restaurant. (Chili's and such) Dont be fooled by the giant horsie statue outside. If you saw this cooks hygiene habits you wouldn't step foot in the place. Add to this an incident that I was made aware of. One night he got stinking drunk. Nasty stinking drunk (I think it was his birthday) Anyway, he got sick, didn't make it to the bathroom and instead Yacked in the corner of his room. Come the next morning, he got up just in time to leave for work, realized his work clothes (dirty from the day before anyway) just happened to be in the corner that he had yacked in the night before. NO big deal.... he shook them off, put them on and left for work. He was not sent home to change.

Example Number 3: When I went to St George one time, James and I stopped went to eat at Dave's BBQ. We were promptly seated and then promptly ignored for 30 minutes. Nothing. No one came to take a drink order, nothing. We left and Ive never been back to any of the Dave's BBQs because of it.

See Im really awful about restaurants. Once you have grossed me out or pissed me off, I will not ever go back. So if you have any suggestions for good alternatives Local or Not (ya never know when I may be in your neck of the woods) or have any other gross out stories (local or not) let me know.

Second rate goods

2009-05-13T16:55:00.005-07:00

So yesterday I begged Ella to watch Reed for me so I could take a nap as I was feeling a bit under the weather and completely exhaused from the ordeal the day before..... I tried so hard, but couldn't fall asleep. Instead this is what ran through my mind.

Back when I was a kid, 12 or so, I used to watch a movie a lot. One of the lines referred to girls that marry really young as, "Second rate goods that had to be sold in a hurry". If you can name the movie, you get the prize.

Anyway, I laughed and continued down this train of thought.

If this is true, then does that make me.....

An impluse buy that was later returned w/o being opened, that was then bought by someone else when it was on super clearance, then used, and then returned to the store?

You know, like once, I bought a DVD player when visiting my little sister in Thatcher so we could watch some movies we rented. But I knew I wasn't gonna keep the DVD player so we kept all the packaging and repacked it and returned it to the local Walmart. EXCEPT we forgot to take out the DVD that we had RENTED and had to go back to the return lady at Walmart and ask her to get the DVD back out of the DVD player. So much for being all smooth and crafty about "deciding we just didn't want that type of DVD player". I think we told the return lady that my "husband said no, that he wanted a name brand and he made me bring it back." Im not very good at lying, especially considering the rented copy of Moulin Rogue still inside.

But would I even be considered "bought"? Like was I put on Layaway but then never picked up so I was put on Super Clearance, BUT just got lifted cause even the super clearance price was too much, then I was used, and then returned to the store for store credit? So the crook made money in the process?

See this is why I cant ever get a nap.

OH WELL....
"I don't want sunbursts or marble halls", I just want get bought one of these days.

Reed

2009-05-12T18:59:00.003-07:00

I realized I didn't tell ya'll what they did to my poor little boy. He had an adenoidectomy. (He has his adenoids removed.) He snored like an old man/grizzly bear and had sleep apnea. I just cant imagine who he inherited that from? Because he was so young, they take sleep apnea pretty serious. Thus the surgery. Funny, after the surgery, while still coming out of the anesthesia, he was snoring just as loud as usual. The nurse laughed and said it wasn't an instant fix because of the swelling.

Surgery day

2009-05-12T12:20:00.007-07:00

This had to be the most miserable day ever. Waiting around in the hospital 4 hours with a not whining, but screaming, kid. Hungry cause he couldn't eat, tired cause it was nap time and mad cause there was a big plastic id chafing his little kankle. It was horrible.

Thank heavens, he recouped fast and while we had to stay til 6, the Dr didn't make us stay the night as originally planned. These pics are all post op as we tried to amuse ourselves til they gave us the go ahead to leave. I had to get really creative in entertainment cause otherwise he was trying to pull out the IV and pick off the monitor stuck to his big toe.

On a side note, the surgeon said he was a trooper and would be a linebacker in the near future. He said I must have my hands full. He fought the nurse all the way down the hall and into the operating room. I wanted to say, "yeah, thats why I told the nurses station that trying to wrestle him for 4 hours prior to his surgery was 'bullshit and that I was loosing it fast'." (Those were my exact words by the way.) Instead, I just smiled and agreed.

First swim in a big pool

2009-05-12T12:16:00.006-07:00

Mother's Day Regrets?

2009-05-08T12:26:00.008-07:00

I have a wierd confession. I am old. Wanna know how I know I am officially old? I am a talk radio junkie. Well, not really. I just would rather listen to that then the current and even not so current music alternatives. So if you are to get into my truck at almost any time, you will most likely find it on 92.3 (KTAR, talk radio in AZ.)
Last night, I was driving back from Tempe, and they were talking about Bristol Palin being a spokesperson for abstinance. The commentator was very distainful of this decision. Not because he didn't disagree with abstinance as a preventative measure to combat teen pregnancy, but because she had stated at an earlier time that abstinance was not really a practical solution. I was ready to call in. See, I understand exactly how it is possible to have these thoughts come from the same individual, relatively close together in time.
I understand how hard it is to say, "No I dont regret having my son, I love him dearly. I wouldn't trade him for the world." Even when all the world knows what choices led up to you having him. But I also know what its like to say, "I wish I would have had my son under different circumstances. I know now why a family should have a mother and a father. I now understand why kids should be born to parents committed to each other through marriage vows. Cause I know just how hard it is to do it alone. And while I would never, ever trade my son for anything in the world, I can and do regret the events that led up to his arrival.
When interviewed, it seems the media wanted Bristol to admit that her son, Tripp, was a mistake. She never did. But she expressed many of the same feelings I have felt. I can say "No, my son was not a mistake, but the choices that led up to me having were." There is a big difference. I think instead of the media condeming her and saying she is a hypocrite, I think they should realize that she is using her "name" to be able to say to kids, "Don't make the same mistakes I did." I applaud her for being able to admit her choices were not wise and be willing to use her experience to help other girls make better decisions. As for her original statement that abstinance was an ideal but unreasonable expectation for teens, I see it this way: in this day and age, it certainly is difficult, but I think it mirrors Tripp's father's thinking more than her own and it also works as a baseline to show us just how much she has learned in her short time as a mother. See NO ONE, NO ONE, can begin to explain how life altering a baby is. Especially, if you are a single parent. It is only through actually experiencing it that you realize how much it changes who you are and what you believe, what you can and can't do, and just about every facet of your life.
Because of the circumstances of Reed's conception, my first mother's day was very hard for me. I was back at church, big as a barn already - even though I was not due til July. I just cried all day long. Somehow it didn't count for me. My motherhood was not a celebration for anyone. It was shameful, a big glaring spotlight displaying my bad choices.
Im happy to say my second Mother's day was much different, more a pat on the back for actually living up to what motherhood required and surviving (that far). I was no longer wasting time beating myself up for things I couldn't change. I think I just didn't have the time or was just too tired. Actually, I had begun down the road to repentance and learned that looking back did no good.
This year, who knows? Do I think Im a fabulous mom that deserves a huge celebration. HELL NO. I make do, I make mistakes, I cry lots, but I try to get the job done the best I can and pray the angels help with anything I miss. I supposed that's all any mother can do.

Lil explanation...

2009-05-04T17:21:00.004-07:00

I was talking to Nan today and she said that I needed to explain the first pic below. She said it didn't make any sense out of context. So I will explain. On a very very enjoyable roadtrip to my Montana, back before we had responsibilities (namely Brian and Reed) we meandered through Yellowstone, and got lost. Anyway, this was taken there, and at the time it was very funny (as most things are when on roadtrips when punchy from no sleep and too much time in a car.) We stopped here as this "thermal area" was popping and bubbling and making the funniest of noises. Are own "bog of eternal stench" (Yet another reference to Labrynth.... wow) Anyway, it struck us as funny as most fart references are. The pic while triggering memories for me and Nan and making us laugh, unfortunately does not effectively convey the beauty of this moment for any random person. Sorry. But, seriously, it was halarious!!!!

Here's your sign....

2009-05-03T16:15:00.012-07:00

Just a bunch more pics from the past that made me laugh. This last one was on the sight of the Unibombers cabin. I enjoyed the trip down memory lane. Hope you find some humor in it too. Soon this blog is gonna end up like a missionary slide show that never ends.

MMMM

2009-05-02T10:37:00.005-07:00

"I thought I was your snack pack."

Fortune Cookie #2

2009-04-30T13:31:00.003-07:00

Yeah!!! Its my Friday. (I work 4 tens, M-Th) I was good and didn't go out for lunch all week long so I rewarded myself with Panda Express. This is why I am a "not thin" person. I reward myself with food. Anyway, I have wanted to have the fortune cookie posts be a consistant thing, but the last few times, my fortunes have been crappy. Because of said fortunes, I decided I would write my own fortunes. This proved to be a much more difficult task than I ever could've imagined. That Confuscius had a tough gig, I always just took him for granted. So I scrapped that idea. So I figured Id go back to my original idea. But now I am totally sidetracked.

Todays fortune: Your magnetic personality will draw people to you.

WOW, I just always thought it was my amazing baking skills. I make a mean chocolate chip cookie.

Unexpected Answer?

2009-04-27T16:32:00.005-07:00

Not long after boo-hoo-ing on my blog yesterday, I decided I needed a nap. (Reed was asleep and I had a chance!!!) But naptime went as usual. My mind started reeling about all the things that didn't get done this weekend and various other stresses. I yelled at my brain, trying to will it to stop for two seconds so I could rest and there it was.

"You have no power over me...."

For those of you without the "in my world" context, I will elaborate. This is a movie line (shocker) from The Labrynth. I love love love that movie, always have. Anyway, this girl messes up, gets her little brother taken away from her (who she was supposed to be watching) and has to go on this fantasy world wild goose chase to get him back. Finally at the end, faced with her brothers kidnapper (no less than the fabulous David Bowie) after playing his games for what seems like forever, she pauses and says... "You have no power over me..." Immediately the "Labrynth" around her shatters and the dream world she has been stuck in disappears and she is reunited with her brother.

This movie line became my mantra not long after I found out I was going to have Reed. All of the sudden, the reasons to stay in a bad situation didn't matter. I had the power. I realized the "fog" I was stuck in was all a false reality. Kinda like in Labrynth or Alice in Wonderland. I just had to stand up and take back my power. I was hellbent on making sure everyone saw that my powers had returned. I was a crusader. I have since mellowed, but realize I may have let a little too much of my wonder woman escape. So I think I was getting a big ol reminder to not cower or give in to the fog that is waiting, wanting to engulf me. And I knew this was a course in life I did NOT want to relearn.

As I was guided to remember my former mantra, I was also guided to pull out some old books on tape. The Amulek Alternative and The Simeon Solution both by Anne Osborn Poelman. One was sent to me in Montana by Shaunasee. (Shout out to you girly. Who knew your package would be even more helpful than it was so many years ago.) I put in the first tape that happened to be on the second side and I was too lazy to rewind (Oh we are spoiled these days...) and figured Id just listened to it from where it was. And the author was basically saying the exact same thing. She went on to reference the Joseph Smith story and the intense dispair he felt just before having his vision. The light came just before he felt he could no longer hold on and he was going to give himself up to the power binding him. So that triggered memories of the Michael McLean song, while trite and very dated, (I always loved Michael McLean) "Just hold on, the light will come." So between the two, I realized I was getting some answers. Just not exactly what I wanted. The knowledge that I have the power of choice and am far stronger than the storm that rages around me and the faith that the light, the safe harbor and the answers to my unending pleas will come was the answer I needed.

PS the books come HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. I just ordered hard copies from Amazon.

FRUSTRATED

2009-04-26T13:40:00.006-07:00

Just a need to purge a bit. I am currently experiencing the same exact horrible feelings I felt back 6 or so years ago that sent me into the dreaded "fog" period of my life. Inside I am screaming, please, no, not again. And while I know I dont want to go about dealing with it the same way as before, I dont know how to move through it gracefully and happily. And now I got baby boy in tow that doesn't need his little happy life tainted by moms issues. Why do we go through times in life where our prayers seem to hit the ceiling and fall back down? That has to be the only explanation. Last time, I just thought I wasn't loved enough to be heard or helped. I know better now, but still I dont know what to do....
And if anyone says I need to pray harder or just be patient, I will personally fly to where ever you are and BEAT the ever-lovin out of you! Cause that is really easy to say when you aren't in the thick of it!

It all makes sense now.

2009-04-25T14:05:00.005-07:00

All of you who used to wonder how in the world a wonderful girl like me is still single can now begin to understand. The below pics are proof that I am more fit for a mental institution than the institution of marriage.

**Although many would argue there is not much difference.**

Enjoy this moment of personal humitiation as I unvail the "real Emily". And the next time you think to yourself, "Poor girl, I wish she could find someone", remember just exactly why that just isn't probable.

The Multiple Personalities of Emily

2009-04-25T13:07:00.009-07:00

Montana and I were a perfect fit.

"KISS It... Both cheeks, both lips."

This one could not be posted without caption. There are just so many to choose from. IE: "Twins". Or "Ok, which ones the smart ass and which ones the dumb ass?"

I cant come up with a caption, some things are beyond words. If you can think of one leave a comment. Ill send a prize to the best one.

Everyone has a little bit o short bus in em. I just happen to have more than most.

Again, the best caption from you recieves a prize.

Thanks you Stu, for making it ok for me to pick my nose.

This was a happy time in my life...

After rooting through all my old photos looking for a lumberjack that never existed (thanks a lot TEX the COWBOY) I realized I should share the joy. None of these is current, I cry when I see the length of my hair back then. Most are from my mission. But all show a little facet of what makes me Emily. This also was a big reminder that life does not have to be as serious as it has been lately and its time to be a little silly again. Forgive the pics, as none are very flattering. But I figured any embarrisment is worth the laugh in the end.

Memory failure, part 2

2009-04-24T14:24:00.004-07:00

So I went on the hunt for my SNL commercial. I could only find one, "Big Braun" which was similar, pads not tampons, and the quote was "feels like a lumberjack between my knees". So Strike 2. But funny none the less. I swear there is another one. I will find it, eventually.

The man himself

2009-04-23T22:49:00.005-07:00

So I went on the search for the burly lumberjack, and came to realize my memory had failed me. He was just a dumb ol cowboy!!! But big he is. Notice how small I look??? He did his job well. (I think I must have a lumberjack pic somewhere, but try as I may I couldn't find it.)

In the search for Tex up there, I had a fantastic time rummaging through pics and reminiscing about the good old days. So this has triggered a whole slew of blog opportunities and pics that need posting. I apologize ahead of time!!! But who knows you may laugh as hard as I did. And you may even be a part of the fun... Either way, I will enjoy it and thats good enough for me.

The Burly Lumberjack

2009-04-20T15:38:00.007-07:00

I know, after the last post I was milking some major pity points. On the other hand some may be saying, "Emily isn't happy unless she is complaining about something." Which may be pretty accurate. And still some of you may just be asking what exactly a "burly lumberjack" would consist of... and why this would be the type a guy a girl (like me) would want. So I figured I would give you a little background on the evolution of the BURLY LUMBERJACK.

The term "Burly Lumberjack" dates back to my teen years and a much loved SNL skit. If I could stream media at work, I would try to find it on utube. Anways, it was a SNL commercial for all natural, biodegradeble tampons, made from tree bark. One of the tag-lines was, "It feels like a burly lumberjack between my thighs." I know, I know, my humor is so crass. Mom is now embarrissed and wants me to tell you that I didn't get it from her. (yeah, right I didnt) Dad would just be rolling his eyes and say, "damn kids" and trying to remember what horrible thing he did in his youth to warrent having 5 daughters.

But back to the tag line. I laughed til I cried. And it stuck. And so at the most random of times, I have to insert "feels like a burly lumberjack between your thighs" into conversations just for kicks. (Its a fun game to play, kinda like the "that's what she said" game. Its just a lot harder to find times that you can effectively insert it into a convo. But thats why its so genius.)

Anyway. From then on, when someone asked what kinda guy I wanted, it was a burly lumberjack. Maybe just cause it makes me laugh every time I hear/say it and maybe cause it captures so well what I want. So what is a burly lumberjack:

-- Cromagnon man meets Edgar from Men In Black (you know, the guy before his body gets taken over by the alien cockaroach...."Edgar skins hanging off your bones..." That guy.

-- As dad would put it, "Strong back, weak mind." (Which is not totally true. I want him to have brains, just enough to say "yes dear, what ever you like dear, I love you, baby."

-- A little bit of red-neckedness. Not that he is red when necked. (I might be) But that he is a bit hick. Thus the draw to places like Arkansas, Alaska and Montana.

-- At least 6 ft tall, at least 40 in waist, barrel chested. Why so big? Well, ladies, I was not blessed with an overly feminine frame. (Oh, you didn't notice, how kind of you!) And nothing makes a lady feel less ladylike than standing next to a wimpy or even average man. I always joked that if I couldn't wear his jeans, I didnt want to date him. I think it still stands, but unfortunately it rules out more men lately.. (sad face). Time to bust out the Turbo Jam. Anyway, I may not be small, but its nice to feel that way and the only way to feel that way is to stand next to a big bear of a man.

-- Hairy. Now, I must explain.... I luv, luv, luv scruff. The look of it. I dont like getting my cheeks raked raw from a kiss, but its a trade off. And well worth it. And while Im not a big fan of running my fingers through a man's back hair, unfortunately, it kinda comes with the territory. And a second down side is the direct correlation between great scruff/back hair and balding up top. What a wierd phenomenon. They grow it everywhere else but not where it should be. Luckily, my daddy was bald and so I see the beauty in it.

-- A Carnivore. I just cant respect a man that doesn't like steak. And I dont want to out eat a man...ever!!!

-- Finally and most important to qualify for the burly lumberjack title he has to be handy. ( NOT Handsy--you dirty mind you!!!) He's got to be able to take on a honey do list and actually do a resonable job at it, and not have to call a professional.

Ok, That was super fun. I hope after this read you will come to appreciate the loveability of a Burly Lumberjack as much as I do!!!

PS If anyone has a copy of the burly lumberjack from Great Falls, MT that is already scanned and "digitized" email it to me so I can post it. If I don't hear from you I will go digging to find my pics, cause he is definately worth posting with this one.

Baby cravings and other pitiful confessions

2009-04-16T17:50:00.006-07:00

So I have a bit of a dilemma and have been rolling around in it for a while. I cant really think of a nice way of putting it all out there, so Im just gonna toss it to the wind so to speak and if it comes out rational and interesting, great. If instead, it is a mess of blubbering and seems a bit desperate. Oh well... Ive been called worse.

Today at work the cutest little baby girl came in for PT. A little 7 month old, about the size Reed was at 4 months. Today, a 1 week overdue pregnant girl (woman) came lumbering in. I had passed on some acupressure tricks to her to try to get her started and while she did begin having labor pains, they quickly went away.

I am heart sick. I want that. For the most part, I loved the feeling of being pregnant. (That is after I got past the barfy months and before my ankles disappeared.) Beyond that, I am baby hungry. Maybe hungry isn't the right word, how bout ravenous? There is something in me screaming out that I need to pop me out some babies!!!!

I have always wanted the perfect little life with the ruggedly handsome (read: Burly lumberjack) big teddy bear husband and 5 boys. (Preston, Porter, Colton, Hunter, and Fisher. And maybe an Archer --- but NOT call him Archie.) Things never seem to quite pan out the way we plan and here I am. I adore my sweet little poop child, Reed. But I recognize in me a urge for something more. I want my football team.... I want my football team that includes my hubby coach!!!! I want my football team that brings other players over to eat me out of house and home and chill and say, "thanks, mom" even if Im not their mom. I want to be on the PTA.

Lots of times I think, Its my own damn fault and that I have chosen my path. But then there's this part of me that says, "Hey Lord, Im doing really good. I have come so far in the last few years, please send me someone so I dont have to do this alone anymore... its so hard." But to no avail. To be fair the Lord would have to throw him onto the roof of my truck or just plant him at my front door for me to be able to meet him. (My social time is minimal.) So in a total act of, I dont even know what to call it, Im just gonna throw this out there.

I need your help! While Im not a firm believer in blind dates (my last one turned out to be a child molester and is now in prison) I do believe that many miracles happen through God's little helpers, mainly, FRIENDS. So if anyone out there reads this, I want you to take a few secs, mull it over and see if there is not someone out there that you might think would be a possibility for me. No qualifications (besides the whole church member, NON child molester, obvious musts) No specifics. I am open. K Im done.

If you think this is horribly pathetic then I hope you all realize how pitiful this is to me too. But you cant imagine how hard life is alone.

Breaking News: Im a threat to national security!

2009-04-14T14:50:00.006-07:00

So I am aware of how quickly my blog is not read when I start getting all politically preachy. But this one was too rich to be ignored. So before you just skip down to the adorable pics of my son, give this a quick read.

I am officially a threat to national security. Really. Our fearless leader of Homeland Security, who according to herself has done more for national security than anyone else (this is when I huff with a sarcastic look in my eye--cause she didn't do jack crap for border control while our governor) has pronounced me so. Thanks Janet (bitch). How is this possible?

In a 9 page report issued last week she stated that the US is no longer threatened by international terrorist such as we are battling in Iraq. No, they aren't a threat. Neither are the millions of illegals bringing over drugs and abusing our system and draining our states of much needed funds. No, they aren't a threat either. They are all under control. The big threat to our country (are you ready for it??) are extreme conservatives. She went on to define "extreme conservatives" to include basically any conservative in general. I would be attenting the tea party tomorrow if it weren't for work. I believe the national govt is out of control. I am therefore an "extreme conservative" and a threat to my country.

YEAH!!!!! I kinda gives me a sense of pride. Funny how Im not a violent person. I try to follow the "rules" as best I can. I try to take care of myself and my son. (Although I do participate in the WIC program.) I get angry when patients come driving up to PT in brand new lifted trucks and hand me their AHCCCS (medicaid) insurance cards with finely manicured nails just before they answer a very important call on their blackberry. Im not happy with the government and I agree with the Texas governor who stated, "I believe that our federal goverment has become oppressive in its size, its intrusion into the lives of our citizens and its interference with affairs of our state." I may need to move to Texas soon. You know they are the only state in the union that have it written into the constitiution that they can legally secede from the union at any time. They are also the only state that can fly their flag above the US flag. Interesting....Too bad the weather is so horrible and the landscape so barren. But I digress.

So if any of you out there qualify to be a national threat too, congrats!!! Its sad when defenders of the constitution and basic freedoms become an enemy of the nation. Kinda backwards isn't it?

Tomorrow I will be wearing a tax protest shirt of my own designing and wishing I was at the local tea party. And if I get just one person to ask me about it and why I am wearing it, I will have accomplished my goal. And if any of you actually read this the whole way through dispite your lack of interest in my political spoutings, I will have accomplished yet another goal. And if by chance I have sent out a little spark that caught in anyone else and caused them to get involved and begin to question the abuse of power going on in our federal goverment (and locally) then I think I deserve a pat on the back by way of the local dairy queen.

Thought for the day.

2009-04-13T16:41:00.005-07:00

I get a "...of the day." email. It has a word of the day, this day in history, who's birthday is it, article for the day and a quote for the day. This one struck me as especially good. Maybe cause it gives me hope.

If thou hast never been a fool, be sure thou wilt never be a wise man.

William Makepeace Thackeray

Whats On Grandmas Camera?

2009-04-09T18:46:00.009-07:00

Just the cutest kid in the whole wide world... Thats all.

Happy Easter

2009-04-09T09:01:00.002-07:00

Comedy: the balm for all your woes

2009-04-09T08:58:00.003-07:00

Barbie, the later years.